When Two Sinners Say, “I Do” - Luke 11:17 - May, 6, 2012
Series: After The Honeymoon - #4
[Ideas for this message came in part from Dave Harvey's book entitled "When Sinners Say I Do" - I highly reccomend it for any couple!]
You have probably heard the story of the hillbilly who took his family to the big city for the first time. Walking the streets they were overwhelmed by the towering skyscrapers, the crowds of people, and the noise of the passing traffic. Caught up in the excitement of the moment they found themselves swept along with the crowd that surrounded them.
Soon, along with many others, they enter into one of the larger buildings. Stepping inside they were momentarily taken aback to find themselves in a great open area surrounded by dozens of shops. The mother and daughter stop and stare open-mouthed at what appears to be a moving staircase that takes people from one floor of the building to the next. Never have they seen such a thing. Father and son travel further into the building over-awed at all that they are seeing as well. Eventually they can go no further. Before them stands a row of shiny metal doors, two by two, with buttons beside each one of them.
Numbers above the doors are constantly changing, some are increasing one by one, while some are decreasing. They are perplexed as to what it’s all about when along comes an old woman, wrinkled, by the passing of the years, back stooped, hair well grayed. One set of doors that they’ve been staring at suddenly slide open to reveal a small room into which the elderly woman enters. And then just as suddenly as they opened, the doors close. Father and son are uncertain as to what it all means. Why would this little old lady enter into this tiny room and allow herself to be shut away behind these metal doors?
It’s all made clear a few moments later when the doors open again and out walks a beautiful young woman where an old woman had once entered in. Not daring to blink, or even to take his eyes off of this miracle machine, the father shouts for his son to hurry and to go and get his mother and bring her back real quick like so that she might try out this thing called an “elevator.”
Well we’ll get back to that in just a moment but for now let me just say that this morning we are continuing with our series on marriage, entitled, “After The Honeymoon.” Our desire is that good marriages become great, that hurting marriages find healing, that struggling marriages find hope, that those not yet married but who one day would desire to be, would discover a firm foundation on to which they will one day build, and that all our marriages would glorify God.
But marriage isn’t easy. It’s hard work. Along with the joy and the excitement and the enthusiasm there is also pain and hurt and frustration. These come into every relationship. Leading up to the wedding day we have stars in our eyes. We have great expectations. It’s when the honeymoon is over, and we settle down to doing life together day by day, that some of the glamour begins to wear off and we began to see a different side of our spouse than we ever saw before.
Husbands, you might discover after you’ve been married for a bit that this woman that has agreed to share life with you, this woman who radiates beauty and joy and love and makes your heart burst with excitement, well she wakes up each day with morning breath that curls your toes, she makes unseemly noises while she sleeps, and sometimes while she’s awake, and there are some areas of your life together that she sees completely differently than you do.
And wives, this prince charming, that you’ve taken into your heart and whom you’re now building a life together with, who seems incapable of doing any wrong in your eyes, is the same guy who will scratch himself in unseemly places, who leaves the toilet seat up, the cap off the toothpaste and puts the toilet paper on the wrong way even after you’ve told him for the hundredth time the “proper way of doing it.”
As the weeks turn to months, and the months to years, little things can become big things, and big things can become huge, and the two who were once joined as one before God, began to become two again. Different ways of understanding the world around us, different desires, passions and expectations, unresolved differences, harsh words, criticism, and so much more can begin to take their toll on any relationship and that divide widens.
In the 11th chapter of the Gospel of Luke, Jesus says that, “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.” (Luke 11:17, NIV) That’s just another way of saying, “if husband and wife aren’t on the same page, if they are constantly at odds with one another over the daily things of life, that marriage probably isn’t going to make it.” Our society would call it “irreconcilable differences.” If such a marriage does make it, it is likely to be one that is full of hurt and sorrow and bitterness, shattered dreams and failed expectations. It will fall far short of what God has intended for our marriages to be which is a living proclamation of the Gospel of Christ.
Marriage is for our good, but it is for God’s glory, and God is glorified as our marriages become places where the gospel – the good news of Jesus – is being lived out in our hearts and homes on a daily basis.
Those of you who are married, let me ask you a question: What’s the greatest problem in your marriage? What’s the biggest issue that you find yourself dealing with, and maybe having to deal with again and again? Don’t shout out your answers but consider the question seriously because I want you to have something specific in mind. What is the biggest issue, or point of tension in your marriage?
Studies would suggest that the biggest areas of stress and tension in a marriage relationship typically revolve around two specific things – any idea what they are? …… Money and sex are the two biggest issues that couples identify as points of tension in their relationship and the fact that you got those right suggest that those are things we struggle with even as Christians.
When it comes to money the issues revolve around how much each one spends, or saves, or invests, or what that money is spent on. One wants a vacation, one wants to pay down debt. Or one wants to save while the other wants to spend.
When it comes to sex it is usually because there is a difference in perceived need and desire. One partner typically wants to share that sexual intimacy more often than the other. Neither is necessarily wrong in their desire, but because the desires are different, it can lead to division in the marriage.
And when we’re hurt, or feel that our needs or desires are not being met, we can react in a whole lot of unhealthy ways. Married or not, stop for a moment and consider how you react when you come face to face with someone who sees an issue differently than you do. How do you respond when you don’t get your own way or when you feel that your needs aren’t being met? Do you get angry and scream or yell or throw things? Some people do. Do you walk away and walk out on your spouse? Do you avoid discussing the issue but let it simmer in your heart till you have a great big heap o’ bitterness and resentment boiling away? Do you point the finger of accusation at your spouse and lay the blame for your unhappiness on them?
There are some who respond with physical violence. Often our response is not as overt, yet just as painful, as we withhold our affections from one another or distance ourselves emotionally from our spouse. Sometime we lash out with harsh words of criticism. And when we do any of those things, what we’re really doing is placing the blame for our own unhappiness on another person. In essence we’re saying to them, “your job in life is to make me happy and you’re not doing your job very well.” That’s not fair to them – that’s not their job! Your spouse doesn’t exist to meet your every need – if you do that you make an idol out of your spouse. God is the one in whom your needs are to find their fulfillment.
What we’re really doing when we lash out at our spouse is to attack the one with whom we are meant to build a marriage that glorifies God. If you’ve ever played sports there is an unwritten rule that everyone knows: If you’re on a football team, you don’t tackle the guy wearing the same color uniform that you are. You’re a team. You’re headed the same direction. You’re looking for the same thing. So should it be in a marriage as well because a house divided against itself will not stand; cannot stand.
Sometimes you hear people talk about having “marriage problems.” What they usually really mean by that is that they are having problems with their spouse. In some way, shape or form they believe the problem their marriage is experiencing lies with their spouse and what they would really like to do is to fix the marriage by fixing their spouse. It’s true, isn’t it? Think of an issue that’s come up in your marriage. If your spouse saw that issue the same way you did, would there still be a problem? Of course not! If your spouse saw everything the same way you did there would be no occasion for problems to arise and so our natural reaction when troubles come, is to blame the other person.
It goes right back to the Garden of Eden. God calls Adam and Eve on their sin and what do they do? Adam blames God and Eve blames the serpent. Just like that hillbilly who wanted to put his wife in the elevator to change her to meet his desires, so too do we, when confronted with issues in our marriages, want to change our spouse.
But folks, the marriage isn’t your problem, and your spouse isn’t your problem, and even the issue that you think is the issue isn’t really your true problem either. Take your Bibles with me and turn to those verses that ___________________ read for us from 1 Timothy a few minutes ago. 1 Timothy 1:15-16 and lets just read them together again. This is what Paul has written as he was led by the Holy Spirit to do so …
“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His immense patience as an example for those who would believe in Him and receive eternal life.” (1 Timothy 1:15–16, NIV)
The real problem that makes marriage so very difficult, is sin. Not so much the sin of your spouse, as it is your own sin. You, are the biggest problem in your marriage! Paul says, “I am the worst of sinners.” How can he say that? Because he knows himself and he knows himself well. This man of God, whom we would not hesitate to call a, “great man of God,” knew the sin and the darkness that lurked in his own heart even after he came to faith in Jesus and had his sins forgiven.
And if we’re honest with ourselves, we know that same darkness hides in our own hearts. The word of God tells us that the things we say and do come forth from the overflow of our hearts. So when the pressure is on at home, and things are getting tense, and our impatience, anger, or bitterness shows through, we’re being shown what is really in our hearts.
Why is it that when Jesus is mistreated, falsely accused, horribly beaten, and even crucified, and we don’t have any record of Him throwing a fit, lashing out, passing on the hurt, or any other thing like that? Why? Because He brought forth that which was in His heart, which was love. God is meant to be glorified in our marriages. He is glorified, in part, as we are daily being molded into the image of Christ, so that when hurts and heartaches and disappointments come our way, that our response is no longer resentment, bitterness, spite, or self-pity, but rather love. When that happens our relationships proclaim the gospel message as Paul says, as we display God’s own heart for both family and world to see.
What’s the greatest problem in my marriage? In my flesh I want to say, “Heather is!” If she just thought like me, and liked the things I liked, and had the same interests, passions and abilities then our marriage would be just fine. But the truth is that if I think there’s a problem in our marriage, it isn’t her; it’s me. It’s my sin. And when you’re having problems in your marriage, you’re not having marriage problems, or spouse problems – what you’re really having, is sin problems! Turn with me to the book of James. James 4:1-7 …
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:1–7, NIV)
What causes the fights and quarrels that shipwreck so many relationships? The desires that battle within us. We desire something that we do not have and so we kill the love and the joy and the peace with harsh words and anger and bitterness and accusations. We covet and do not get what we want and so we quarrel and fight. That’s the way of the world. That’s the way of Satan who comes to steal, kill and destroy. But what does God desire? He longs for His Spirit to dwell in us, to mold us and shape us, that when those desires are at war within us, when they threaten to overwhelm our relationships, that grace wins out.
And grace can only win the day when we truly understand the reality of our own sin. Jesus tells us that he who has been forgiven much, loves much as a result, and that the one who has been forgiven little, loves only a little. If there is not much love in your relationship anymore, if it’s because pain, hurt and bitterness have grown in the place of love, peace and joy, perhaps it’s really because you’ve forgotten the deep seated reality of your own sin and the grace you have received from God’s hand.
When we understand ourselves as the greatest of sinners we begin to see the enormity of God’s grace. When we are humbled by that grace we respond to God in worship and thanksgiving, but we respond to others by extending that grace to them. When I understand the problems I may experience in my marriage are a result, at least in part, if not in their entirety, of my sin, I stop pointing an accusing finger at my wife, and start looking within, and looking towards God asking His help to transform my sinful desires or wants, or whatever the case may be, that the character of Christ might be developed within me and my response might be love. When I understand that I am a sinner, and that I bring hurt and heartache into my own home because of that, it produces within me a godly sorrow. Scriptures says, “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV) And in Acts, Peter urges the people to, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.” (Acts 3:19, NIV) Both those verses speak of the salvation of our souls but there is a sense in which they speak truth into our relationships as well. When we humble ourselves, when we confess and repent of our own sin, times of refreshing come upon our marriages as we extend grace to one another in love and God is glorified because we are living out the hope of the Gospel.
We’re going to talk more about this in another day but for now I want to leave you with this truth to wrestle with, “Until our sin be bitter, marriage may not be sweet.” (Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say, “I Do,” pg. 38)
Let’s pray …
