Ephesians 4:15, 25
Matthew 18:15-17
Luke 17:3-4
Matthew 5:43-48
Purpose: To lay out the major pit falls that come when discord is evident in the church.
Aim: I want the listener to demonstrate love through forgiveness and avoiding gossip.
INTRODUCTION: Two men who lived in a small town got into a terrible argument that they could not resolve. So they decided to talk to an old man who they thought had a lot of wisdom. The first man went to the old man’s home and told his version of what happened. When he finished, the old man said, “You’re absolutely right.”
The next night, the second man called on the elderly gentleman and told his side of the story. The old man responded, “You’re absolutely right.”
Afterward, the old man’s wife scolded her husband. “Those men told you two different stories and you told both of them that they were absolutely right. That’s impossible – they can’t both be absolutely right.”
The old man turned to his wife and said, “You’re absolutely right.” [1]
The old man was no help at all. The temptation is to come to our own conclusions about problems, or to look to others for their input, rather than searching the Scripture for help.
2 Timothy 2:23-25 23 But refuse foolish and ignorant speculations, knowing that they produce quarrels. [i.e. solutions to problems that are not based on God’s Word] 24 The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, 25 with gentleness correcting those [using God’s Word] who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, (NAU)
When we depend on God’s Word for answers to our problems then peace will be the result. Matthew 11:28 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. (NAU)
In order to have a happy year we have to take care of the past, before we can work on the future.
► I. Unload Baggage from the Past
► A. Speak about past problems biblically
Ephesians 4:15,25 15 but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, 25 Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. (NAU)
These two verses are in the middle of a discussion about church unity and precede the topic of relationships in the church.
Relationships stand or fall on their communication.
► 1. Verbalize your thoughts “speaking the truth...speak the truth”
The idea here is that face to face communication is preferable. Written communication is more impersonal and the tone of what is said, and the attitude of the writer can be misunderstood.
This is why John said, 2 John 12 Though I have many things to write to you, I do not want to do so with paper and ink; but I hope to come to you and speak face to face, so that your joy may be made full. (NAU)
Paul certainly implies a face to face situation when he says, Galatians 6:1 Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted. (NAU)
► 2. Tell only the truth “speaking the truth...speak the truth”
A little girl came to her mother, saying, "Which is worse, Mommy, to tell a lie or to steal?" The mother replied that both were so sinful she could not tell which was worse. "Well, Mommy," replied the little one, "I've been thinking a good deal about it, and I think it's so much worse to lie than steal." "Why, would you say that, sweetheart?" asked the mother.
"Well, you see, Mom, it's like this," said the little girl, "If you steal a thing, you can take it back, unless you've eaten it, and if you've eaten it, you can pay for it; but a lie is forever." [2]
For the Christian, honesty is not the best policy , it is the ONLY policy.
There are times we shouldn’t say every truth we are thinking. If you are asked, “What do you think of my new dress?” It might be best to say, “Well, it is a new dress, isn’t it?” or “That is a very interesting dress.”
Sometimes we hear the maxim, “the truth hurts.” But, nothing hurts like a lie. The truth can hurt, but it also has power to heal. Once a problem is identified then it can be solved. If sin is discovered, then there is a cure: God’s forgiveness.
John the Baptist's message from the wilderness was not, "Smile, God loves you." It was "O generation of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come." Jeremiah was not put into a miry pit for preaching, "I'm OK, you're OK." It was for crying against the adultery, idolatry and other wickedness of his nation. Noah's message from the steps of the ark was not, "Something good is going to happen to you." He condemned the world and was a preacher of righteousness. Jesus Christ was not crucified for saying, "Consider the lilies, how they grow," but for saying, "Woe unto you scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites . . . children of hell ...fools and blind guides . . . whited sepulchers ...generation of vipers." [3]
► 3. Talk to anyone, not just a select few “speak truth each one of you with his neighbor”
It is not enough that Christians tell the truth to some other Christians. We all must tell the truth all the time with everybody. This is a responsibility that every part of Christ’s body has, “for we are members of one another” .
This is necessary if the body is to be coordinated. Every part of the body needs accurate information in order to function. This takes a lot of hard work. Everyone one of us needs to be careful that the other parts of the body always knows what they need to know.
We can’t just tell the truth to a few Christians and ignore other Christians.
► 4. Always talk lovingly “speaking the truth in love”
Truth that is not spoken in love is no longer the truth because it reveals an ulterior motive.
It is possible to say the truth and still communicate error.
For example, you could confront someone because they did not do something they had promised to do, but because you conveyed anger with your rebuke you would have shown them that you love getting the job done more than you love them. You would have communicated error.
Anytime we show a temper or resentment we are shutting down communication.
James 3:16-17 16 For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. 17 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without hypocrisy. (NAU)
Philippians 4:5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near. (NAU)
► B. Confront past problems biblically
Matthew 18:15–17 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (NAU)
► Mt. 18:15 1. Try to restore privately “show him his fault in private”
► Mt. 18:16 2. Try to restore with help from others “take one or two more”
► Mt. 18: 17a 3. Try to restore with help from the whole church “tell it to the church”
► Mt. 18:17b 4. Try to restore by excluding them “let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector”
► C. Release past problems biblically
God requires forgiveness in order for relationships to be right. There is no other way!
Lk. 17:3-4 1. Always forgive when asked “if he repents , forgive him”
Luke 17:3–4 “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. 4 “And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” (NAU)
Colossians 3:13 bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. (NAU)
How does God forgive us? God forgives when we repent. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (NAU)
God forgives regardless of how much a person needs forgiving. Romans 5:8-10 8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9 Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. 10 For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life. (NAU) That’s how He forgave us.
Jesus made it clear how important forgiveness is in, Matthew 6:15 “But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. (NAU)
This means three things: 1) No one goes to heaven unless he is forgiven, 2) Those who are forgiven are willing to forgive others and, 3) No one goes to heaven who is unwilling to forgive.
► Mt.5:43-48 2. Always be loving toward those who hurt you
We can’t forgive someone until they ask for it, but we can always act loving toward them. Matthew 5:43–48 “You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44 “But I say to you, love your enemies [Jesus didn’t say forgive them] and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 “For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 “If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 “Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (NAU)
Remember that revenge is God’s job. Romans 12:19 Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY,” says the Lord. (NAU)
We should be more concerned about an enemies need for God’s forgiveness than we are with our personal feelings and fears. Otherwise we are leaving the door open for bitterness to grow. Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled; (NAU)
► II. Refuse to Engage in all Future Gossip
Four church members who were taking a short breather from their heavy schedules, sat down on a park bench, chatting and enjoying an early spring day.
“You know, since all of us are such good friends,” said one, “this might be a good time to discuss the problems that bother us the most.” They all nodded in agreement.
“Well, I would like to share with you the fact that I drink to excess,” said one.
There was a gasp from the other three. Then another spoke up. “Since you were so honest, I feel like I should admit that my big problem is gambling. It’s terrible, I know, but I can’t quit. I’ve even been tempted to take money from the collection plate.”
Another gasp was heard, and the third church member spoke. “I’m really troubled, brothers, because I’m growing fond of a woman in my church – a married woman.”
More gasps. But the fourth man remained silent. After a few minutes the others coaxed him to open up. “The fact is,” he said, “I just don’t know how to tell you about my problem.”
“It’s all right, brother. Your secret is safe with us.”
“Well, it’s this way,” he said. “You see, I’m an incurable gossip.” [4]
What is gossip? Sharing negative information about a person with someone who can’t make it better. Proverbs 11:13 He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter. (NAU)
Proverbs 26:22 The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels,[they appeal to our curiosity] And they go down into the innermost parts of the body. (NAU)
The Bible talks about two kinds of sin involving the tongue: slander and gossip.
The OT word for "slander" simply means "bad report." This is what Joseph did to his brothers. Genesis 37:2 . . . And Joseph brought back a bad report about them to their father. (NAU)
There was a law against this sort of thing in Israel. Leviticus 19:16 You shall not go about as a slanderer among your people, . . . . (NAU)
Debbie Scales, in an article in Christian Woman magazine, says: "This verse brings to mind the picture of a person making her way through the ranks of the already murmuring and unhappy Israelite travelers. As she goes up and down among the people, she whispers the latest news of the camp. 'Don't quote me on this, but I've heard that Moses may be on his way out. There are other men, you know, who could lead just as well as Moses anyway--probably better. And by the way, have you noticed how the Zuriel family is always the first group out to gather manna every morning? I probably shouldn't even mention it, but there's no need to be greedy, if you ask me. Oh, there go those rambunctious Ashbel boys again! I do wish their parents would control them a little better. I don't like to talk about people, but he way they let those boys behave is just a shame!” [5]
The NT has two interesting words regarding this kind of verbal sin.
a. Katalaleo ("slander").
b. Psithuristas ("gossip"; KJV--"whisperers").
Only difference between "gossip" and "slander" is one of degrees. Suppose you wanted to kill someone. There is more than one way to do it. You could take a shotgun, walk right up to their face, and then blow them away. That's slander. Or, you could take a rifle with a scope. Attach a silencer to it, hide yourself a safe distance away, kill them from long distance. They may never know who shot them. That's gossip.
► A. Keep private matters private
Proverbs 25:9-10 9 Argue your case with your neighbor, And do not reveal the secret of another, 10 Or he who hears it will reproach you, And the evil report about you will not pass away. (NAU)
As we saw earlier, Proverbs 11:13 He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, But he who is trustworthy conceals a matter. (NAU)
► B. Refuse to say negative things about others
Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor (NAU)
Ann Landers said, “People of high intelligence talk about ideas. People of average intelligence talk about things. People with no intelligence talk about other people.” Where are you in this line up?
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (NAU)
►The “THINK” principle
►T – is it true?
►H – is it helpful?
►I – is it inspirational?
►N – is it necessary?
►K – is it kind?
► C. Challenge gossip
It is important to be alert where gossip is likely to happen.
Gossip will stop if no one is willing to listen. Proverbs 26:20 For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down. (NAU)
How do we stop gossip?
Say, Jesus told us, Matthew 18:15 If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. (NAU) Have you spoken to this person about this?
Smile sweetly and say, I’m feeling very uncomfortable with this conversation.
Say, If ______ knew we were talking about them like this they’d be really hurt.
Always ask yourself, Is what I am saying (or hearing) about this person helping him? Would I be comfortable if this person were to walk in on our conversation right now?
Chinese proverb: “Speak only well of people and you need never whisper.”
CONCLUSION: Clara Barton (the famous Civil War nurse who was known at the "Angel of the Battlefield.") never harbored resentments. One time a friend recalled to her a cruel thing that had happened to her some years previously, but Clara seemed not to remember it.
“Don’t you remember the wrong that was done to you?” asked the friend.
“No,” answered Clara. “I distinctly remember forgetting that.” [6]
Until we learn to let go of the past and love those around us we will never be the testimonies for Christ that we should be. Philippians 2:14–15 Do all things without grumbling or disputing; 15 so that you will prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, (NAU)
Alexander Maclaren (1826–1910), looking out over his congregation one Sunday, was shocked to see a well-known skeptic in the audience. As they chatted after the service, Maclaren persuaded the man to attend church for four more Sundays, for the sermons were on the main doctrines of the Christian faith. On the fourth Sunday, the man told Maclaren he had decided to become a Christian. The preacher asked which message had brought the man to that decision. The former skeptic replied:
“Your sermons, sir, were helpful, but they were not what finally persuaded me to become a Christian. A few weeks ago, as I was leaving church, I noticed an elderly lady with a radiant face. Because she was making her way with difficulty along the icy street, I offered to help her. As we walked along together, she looked up at me and said, ‘I wonder if you know my Savior, Jesus Christ? He is everything in the world to me. I want you to love Him, too.’ Those few words touched my heart, and when I got home, I knelt down and received the Savior”. [7]
Those that look to be happy must first look to be holy.
Richard Sibbes [8]
[1]David Moore in Vital Speeches of the Day
[2]From Illustrations of Bible Truths Copyright © 1995, 1998 by AMG International, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.
[3]From A Treasury of Bible Illustrations Copyright © 1995, 1998 by AMG International, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by Permission.
[4]Arlene Quant, quoted by Alex Thien in Milwaukee Sentinel
[5]"I Don't Mean to Gossip, but ..." in Christian Woman 3, Sept/Oct 1987, p. 17
[6]Robert J. Morgan, Nelson's Complete Book of Stories, Illustrations, and Quotes, electronic ed., 314 (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000).
[7]Robert J. Morgan, Nelson's Complete Book of Stories, Illustrations, and Quotes, electronic ed., 50 (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2000).
[8]I.D.E. Thomas, The Golden Treasury of Puritan Quotations, electronic ed., 158 (Simpsonville SC: Christian Classics Foundation, 1996).
