The Grace of Marriage
Mark 10:1-12
A common mistake in Bible teaching is when the teacher/preacher takes a passage and presents it as if it were all God says about a subject. Proper Bible study of a subject must take what all the Bible says about a subject and recognize what each passage adds to the overall subject.
This passage today is one of the sections and topics, according to Dr. Bob Utley, professor of Theology at East Texas Baptist University, that preachers and teachers are most guilty of teaching as the complete word. Although the topic today could be studied from the scripture for weeks, we will try to conclude with a summery of the overall truths of scripture.
I am certain we will fail to strike a complete balance, but that is our goal. May God add to that which we minimize and minimize that which we overstate.
Our goal with this subject as with any other we address is to uphold God's righteous standard while recognize the all pervasiveness of His grace and love.
(Prayer)
Mar 10:1 “And he left there and went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan, and crowds gathered to him again. And again, as was his custom, he taught them.”
Jesus' last journey to Jerusalem for His last week was obviously a busy one. As if on a final tour, Jesus tried to touch as many lives as He could on the way to His death. This also brought up opportunity for His critics to attempt to trap Him again. However, God used every trap to reveal His heart to us.
Mar 10:2 “And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’"
This was not a question that required a simple "Yes or No" answer. According to Josephus, the secular, government writer who often sheds light on the times and culture of 1st Century Christian life....The two leading Hebrew teachers about divorce were Hillel (a liberal rabbi) and Shammai (a conservative rabbi).
The question involved the Mosaic Law. Deu 24:1-4 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, 2 and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, 3 and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, 4 then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance.”
A clarification; the certificate of divorce, which is defined as an accusation and evidence in writing, had to be taken to a priest, who would investigate thoroughly and rule according to righteousness (when the system worked). One of the benefits of this type of approach is that it stopped people from seeking a divorce in a rash of anger and took time. This time was beneficial in many couples cool down and reconciling.
Hillel viewed the "indecencies" as anything that displeases the husband. He said if the husband didn't like how the wife's coffee tasted, kick her out.
Shammai taught that adultery was the only "indecency" that was grounds for divorce.
This question was presented to Jesus to divide his followers, but there may have even been a more devious purpose.
Herod had killed John the Baptist because of his tough teachings on marriage and his accusation of Herodias, Herod's sister-in-law and new wife, as an adulteress, in chapter 6. This question may have been used to anger Herod and Herodias and bring severe opposition to Jesus and His followers. (The Christ of the Gospels, J. W. Shepherd).
The question, however, was not asking what Jesus taught about divorce and remarriage. It was, "Does God recognize divorce at all?"
Mar 10:3 “He answered them, ‘What did Moses command you?’"
Jesus had a point to make, and the best way to make a point is to start at a starting point. Here, Jesus directed the Pharisees to the source of their misunderstanding.
Mar 10:4 “They said, ‘Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.’"
In answer to His question, they said divorce was allowable for a man if he writes up the certificate of divorce. Ref. Deut. 24:1-4.
Mar 10:5-9 “And Jesus said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.' 7 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.’"
Jesus said God had to make an exception to His original design. The reason was because mankind wouldn't, as usual, conform to God's holy standard.
Jesus answered the question masterfully, avoiding the so-called authorities of the Hebrew teachers, even going to a point before Moses. He pointed to God's original design and instructions: One man, one woman for life. He quoted from Genesis 2:24, a proclamation of Adam, basically, his wedding vow. He shows that what mankind does in making a marriage on earth creates a spiritual unity that is recognized in heaven.
This answer, trumping the spiritual teachers of the day, and asserting Jesus' authority over the Law of Moses, seemed to shut up the Pharisees.
Mar 10:10 “And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter.”
All indication here and in Matthew 19 was that Jesus' answer also surprised the disciples. The asked for a clarification when in private with Jesus, something they commonly did.
Mar 10:11-12 “And he said to them, ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her, 12 and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.’"
Although this is not seen in Matthew 19, it appears that the portion of the discussion that Mark brings to the Gentile audience is God's heart about marriage and divorce. In Matthew, written to the Jews, it did not indicate a woman could divorce the husband. However, in the message to the Gentiles, where a woman-initiated divorce was legal, another portion of Jesus discussion was included to relate to our reality.
With this, let's look at three points that demand equal attention, as best I can tell. Please take this sermon as a whole and don't misunderstand the message. At the end, I will attempt to cover some topics briefly to balance to the subject by relating to other passages.
I. God's Aspiration (Original Design and Heart).
Marriage is a living illustration of the relationship God desires desire with mankind. Joshuah 23:8 "...you shall cling to the LORD your God just as you have done to this day." This is the same “cling to” word that Adam used in his wedding vow.
The apostle Paul said he would forsake all other valuables in life to know Jesus more. That is God's desire for you, and marriage is a gift and a shadow of what closeness to God could be.
Let me clear something up for anyone confused. If God makes a marriage, it is God who defines it, not government. Marriage has always been a "God" thing, belonging to religion, not government. It existed before government. It is the first institution. Government cannot define marriage. God already has. Man, woman, for life. God wants His artwork to be preserved, not destroyed. Only mankind can take the artwork of God and defile it.
Marriage was supposed to be the artful representation of our God loving and becoming one with His people. Thus, Adam said, "What God put together, let no man separate." God designed marriage to be a lifelong relationship. Our vow states, "till death do us part." (Yes, I still say it.)
Jesus made it clear that the unity we share in this life in marriage is only a dull reflection of the relationship we will have with God and every believer after death. The need in Heaven for the picture of fellowship will be ended.
II. God's Allowances.
It was never God's intent for a man and a woman to covenant together and be allowed break it. It was never God's intent for divorce. Jesus proclaimed, "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
Marriage was established before the fall, however. Adam, the very one who said, "If God enjoins, don't let man defile" corrupted the entire universe with his choice to sin and the natural connection between God and man.
God joined the marriage of Adam and Eve by walking with them in the cool of the evening. Ref. Romans 5:17 says, "... because of one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man..." Ref. Romans 5:18 states, "...one trespass led to condemnation for all men..." Adam sinned and defiled the universe, the human heart and the artwork that was marriage. Because man was fallen and broken, God allowed divorce to be in the law.
There were other times when God allowed man to choose a less than perfect path. For instance, when the Hebrew nation came to the promise land and vote to turn away, God allowed them (Number 13), but not without terrible consequences.
When the nation of Israel demanded a king against God's wishes, God told Samuel, "Go ahead, Samuel, and anoint them a king. They are not rejecting you but rejecting my authority."
Samuel warned them, telling them they would regret it, but they said, "No, give us a king," (Samuel 8). God allowed Saul to be king, but not without terrible consequences.
Deuteronomy 33:1-3 clearly states that God gave us His way because He loves us and knows what hurts us. God allows us to veer from the path in our stubbornness. Each and every time God has made allowances for hardened hearts. A hardened heart is one that is determined to do what we wants and not take God into consideration. God's allowances show that this righteous, holy God, despite of our hardened hearts, does not give up on us. He makes a way, no matter how deep we fall.
Our hardened hearts will even seek to find "God's will" in a wrong decision. If I want it bad enough, I can find a reason for God to approve it. But we stamp God's will on more things than God does, and that just don't work.
This is true of divorce, too. God knows it hurts to rip someone from our hearts and it always tears the children's lives in two if children are involved. A couple who are once married are never fully separated from each other even after the divorce. There is always a connection with an ex-wife or ex-husband that a piece of paper can't erase. Marriage makes a spiritual unity that lasts a lifetime. God set it up that way.
He knew violation of that would be damaging to us.
III. God's Acquittal.
Grace and Forgiveness covers divorce. Forgiveness removes the condemnation but not the consequences.
It was not God's intention that man and woman divorce. But let's be completely real here. It was not God's intention for man to lie, but we lie, even to ourselves. It was not God's will that man should cheat, but we cheat, particularly against God. It isn't God's will that we gossip, view ourselves in self-dependency and pride, but we do. It was not God's design for us to sin at all, but Paul said well when he explained that there is none born of woman except Jesus Christ that does not sin. Therefore Jesus purchased our forgiveness.
It is not unforgivable for a man to murder, but he must live with the consequences after forgiven. It is not unforgivable for a woman to have an affair, but the consequences remain after forgiveness and even restoration. It is not unforgivable for a man to steal another man's wife, but even after forgiveness, there are consequences that will last a lifetime, and not they are not pleasant.
Divorce is not the unforgivable sin, but there are consequences to divorce and remarriage.
Let's hit a few points before we conclude this topic.
First, if you have been divorced, there is forgiveness for you. Sometimes divorce is not of your doing, but that of a wandering partner. All you need to confess to God (and God alone, not to us) is your portion of wrong in the separation and divorce.
I am sure if I were wounded by a departing wife, I would not respond perfectly. You may not be guilty of the separation or the divorce, but be honest about all your behavior afterwards. God is faithful in not only His forgiveness, but in His honest revealing of our sin.
Now, this is not a time to beat yourself up. It is a time to honestly seek a spiritual bath for your sins. "If you confess your sins, God is faithful and just to forgive your sins and cleans your unrighteousness." Ref. 1 John 1:9.
Oh, that is the Grace of God.
Second, what about remarriage after divorce?
Before remarriage, as in counseling, I advise against it. I must be honest with the couple about the difficulties they face, but ultimately, that is between the persons involved and our God. I make that clear.
However, after remarriage, I will insist that the remarriage be valued as n work and act that is recognized by God. That vow and promise, made to God, witnesses and each other is still a sacred covenant.
Fight for that marriage. Once you say "I do", it is God's will for you.
Church, God calls for us to accept, encourage and love the couple and family of remarriage with no distinction from those who are in their original marriage.
That is the grace of God. We are to model God's grace amid our congregation and in our community. We must help the couple fight for the success of their marriage, pray for them, teach them the biblical truths about marriage, rejoice with their victories, cry with them in their losses, and love them as Christ loved us.
Oh, that is His grace.
Third, no marriage is perfect.
There are marriages in this congregation, even first and original marriages, that are unsatisfying and hurtful. Husband and wife are not drawing closer to each other, but are trying to adjust to walls and barriers between themselves. We have determined that marriage is not going to get better. That is not God's design.
God will renew your marriage if you draw near to Him. Drawing near to God, however, can painfully reveal some things wrong with me.
But God only does that to express His love in forgiveness and cleansing. Without it, marriage will continue to be hurtful and unsatisfying. God wants to work on your marriage, but you have to give Him yourself first.
Some of you need to do that today; let God work in your life and in your marriage.
Oh, that is to experience the grace of God.
Fourth, If Marriage is the process of two becoming one, the process of unity starts during dating and ends at death.
The falling in love (which is a new concept), the engagement, the wedding and the following life are just steps in the process of becoming one. Dating unites the heart. It's when you fall in love. It creates a unity of spirit.
Gen 2:23 “Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’"
Yet dating should remain pure, involving only the heart. Dating does not involve a vow to God, friends, family and each other.
Engagement unites the mind. That's when you begin making plans that always include each other.
Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
The engagement should remain pure, involving the heart and the mind. It adds to love the unity of the soul, or mind. The engagement today involves promises, but not a vow to God, friends and family. When done properly, with purity throughout, a decision can be made to break at this stage.
The wedding unites the couple physically.
Gen 1:28 “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.’"
The wedding completes building the bridges for unity. It creates the unity of the flesh. But it is not complete unity, as this is to be discovered throughout the lifetimes. It does include the marriage covenant, a vow and promise to God, friends and family. The process of unity continues through a life of loving, serving one another, honoring one another, exploring one another's desires and joys.
When a couple stops moving towards each other in becoming unified, the marriage is in trouble. A continual growing unity is God's design. When "he has his and she has hers", the couple stops enjoying the growing intimacy that marriage was meant to be. Just as one begins moving away from God, he loses that growing intimacy and joy of discovery in his relationship with his Creator.
Marriage should be a constant growth towards one another. That is God's design for a man and a woman in marriage.
The easiest way to grow ever closer to each other is for both to grow closer to God. If I am heading towards God and my wife is heading towards God, no matter how distant our points of origin are, we are moving towards each other.
That is God's design for marriage, and that is His grace.
What about indiscretion and failures before salvation?
The truth, we all failed miserably before salvation, otherwise we would not need a Savior.
2Co 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come."
Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."
Salvation forgives us of our sins but does not remove us from our life and situation. Sin is removed but not the consequences of our choices and those of our sins.
This is a short answer for those who may ask, "What if I am saved and my spouse is lost?" or ""What if both of us were not saved and forgiven, but I get saved, should I leave my lost husband since I am a new creature and the past is gone?"
Short answer, Jesus told the disciples, He saved them in the world but not out of the world. Jesus saved you in your situation and gave to you life in that situation. God wants to use the new you in that situation to redeem those around you. Stay and pray.
What about abuse? Short answer.
1 Peter 3, particularly verses 7-8, prohibit abuse in a marriage. Therefore, if you are in an abusive situation, get to a safe place. Seek help for yourself and your mate.
Finally, what if I am not saved? I have known people who were not Christians who had wonderful marriages.
Yes, there is an imitation and a balance that can be achieved by mankind without God. Yet many though the years have experienced it before they experience the authentic. They testify that they never imagined how wonderful marriage and life could be with Christ when He was not part of the relationship.
I cannot convince you of that, I know, but the Spirit of God can, right now. I depend upon Him, not a tricky story, to validate His truth.
If you are not saved, you stand guilty with the whole law of God condemning you. We all have sinned.
"All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Ref. Romans 3:23.
You may find methods to drown out or sooth that condemnation. But God wants to forgive you. If you have never placed your faith in Jesus Christ and called upon Him for salvation. Ref. Romans 10:9-12. Jesus can save you today if you seek His way.
