PRAYER
INTRODUCTION
Let me start my message this morning with a little confession. I have a habit, an addiction that really drives my wife Paula crazy. I pop my knuckles. I try hard not to do it around her. ‘Cause I love her and I don’t want to annoy her, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.
But, other times, I Pop my knuckles just to annoy her because something she’s done has driven my crazy. So I’m like take this: Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop.!!
Anyone else been there? It’s not popping knuckles but you do something or several things that drive your spouse or significant other crazy!
Here are a couple of questions: How many of us have little things that come between us and our spouse or us and our boyfriend/girlfriend? ….And, how many of us have let these little annoyances and grievances grow up to become real problems, maybe even monsters in our relationship?
Here is a story about an engaged couple. Their names were Joey and Alicia, and they went to their pastor for pre-marital counseling. The pastor wanting to catch any little issues in their relationship before they became real problems in their upcoming marriage asked both of them to write 5 annoying things about their spouse to be.
The couple looked at their paper for about 5 minutes and when the pastor asked them to share, with stars in their eyes, Alicia said, “There is noting that annoys me about Joey. And Joey responded in kind: “There is nothing that annoys me about Alicia.” (EGH…Young love! I tell you what, naïve.)
The pastor laughed. Then he got somber and said if you don’t really think about this question and take this exercise seriously, ….by this time next year, each of you will need a notebook to write down all the grievances you have against each other.
Anybody have a notebook of grievances about your significant other? You probably don’t have a notebook, but chances are many of you have pretty good mental lists of grievances and annoyances about your spouse or date.
This morning we are going to look at what the Bible has to say about these things and what we should do about them, as we look at Song of Solomon 2:14-15, part of a 3000 year old poem about love and relationships that really speaks into our reality today! That is why I can’t wait each week to teach this series! This book is so applicable to us today.
CATCH THE FOXES (15)
Let’s begin. Are you dating and need a good date idea? ….I’ve got one for you. Take a look at verse 15. Tirzah says let go: "Catch for us the foxes,…” Now that sounds like fun doesn’t? I wonder if it is something like catching a pig at a greased pig contest at the county fair. Can you imagine Solomon, King of Israel, saying Yeah! Let’s go catch foxes! Sounds like fun!
Well, Tirzah isn’t really saying let’s go on a date and catch some foxes. Remember, this is poetry. “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom."
What is she saying? She is saying, let’s catch the little annoying things in our relationship before they turn into big problems,….Let’s get the foxes before they ruin the love we have for each other! Let’s get ‘em while they’re little! She is saying our vineyard, our love is in bloom, let’s deal with the problems in our relationship so we can enjoy the fruit of our love as we grow old together!
Every Marriage Has Foxes
Every marriage has little foxes that come in. Most of the time they are small, you don’t see them. They are sneaky. They devastate and wreak havoc on your marriage if left alone. They grow larger and reproduce or multiply.
Is your relationship like a lush vineyard full of fruit to enjoy with each other, or is the fruit sparser than you’d like? Or, maybe there is very little fruit to enjoy in your relationship with each other? Don’t give up hope. There can be a bountiful harvest in the future if you commit to getting rid of the little or even big foxes in your relationship.
A Few Types of Foxes
One scholar describes the foxes this way: “The foxes represent as many obstacles or temptations as have plagued lovers throughout the centuries.” Perhaps it is the fox of uncontrolled desire …that drives a wedge of guilt between the couple.” I’m going to address this fox in a week or two. This fox usually enters the vineyard when you’re dating! But can come at any time.
Possibly you have the fox of mistrust and jealousy, …which breaks the bond of love. Are you a jealous lover? Do you make your spouse be with you at all times or most of the time? You don’t let him or her out of your sight! …Do you get upset or jealous when you significant other goes out with girls …or does something with the guys? Do you make your wife stay home, except to go to the store and work, unless you are with her? Are you afraid to let your boyfriend or girlfriend have a life outside of you? That is the little fox of mistrust and jealousy.
Conceivably you have the fox of selfishness and pride which refuses to let you acknowledge your faults to each other. Is there anything worse than your spouse, a boyfriend, or girlfriend not admitting they were wrong? ….Have you ever tried to communicate that something your date or mate did, bothered you and they just put their arm around you, maybe give you a kiss, or even say that they are sorry what they did hurt you, …but they never admit they were or what they did was wrong. …Like a kiss makes it all better. It doesn’t! Over time this lack of confession builds up and ruins relationships and marriages!
On the other hand, there is also the fox of an unforgiving spirit that will not accept and apology from the other. It is a fox that wants to make the other person pay for what they did. Pay over and over and over again, …with the silent treatment, …or with a lack of physical intimacy, …or by doing things you know will make them hurt for what they did to you. You stick the knife in a twist a little bit, like me popping my knuckles. These foxes have been ruining vineyards for years.
What foxes are in your vineyard? Are your foxes related to people and circumstances?
Overwork, Kids, Finances, Pornography, Conflict with Relatives, Communication Issues? Or are your foxes related to attitudes and emotions? Apathy? Anger and resentment? Shame? Grief?
If any of these foxes are in your relationship address them before they get bigger! Catch the foxes before they grow and multiply!
HOW TO CATCH FOXES
So how do you catch these foxes? How do you figure out they are there? Let’s look at the relationship between Solomon and Tirzah to see how they did it!
Listen for the Alarm in Your Relationship (14)
First, I think we have to listen for the alarm, the fox alarm, in our relationships. Look at verse 14. Solomon says:
My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.
Background
Let me explain what is going on. Last week learned that Tirzah realized that Solomon was the one. Her heart was committed to him! And her heart was in a dangerous place because he hadn’t officially committed to her. She was aching for him to ask her to marry him and make it official.
Then we see Solomon come running down the path to her home, leaping and bounding like a gazelle so he can ask her to marry him in verse 13 as he says, “Come with me my beautiful one!” What is her answer? ….He doesn’t get one!
We learn what happens next in verse 14: He doesn’t get an answer. She’s gone. He can’t see her and he can’t hear her! He says, “Show me your face, let me hear your voice.” You know Paula did this to me right before I proposed!
Here is the alarm you need to listen and look for. Distance! We become distant when there is a fox in our relationship. Am I right?
2 Alarms
Take a look at this diagram of this verse. I think it sheds a little light on how men and women are tuned to hear this alarm.
A. Show me your face
B. Let me hear your voice
B’. For you voice is sweet
A’. And your face is lovely
Inner Distance Alarm
What I think we see here is that there are two alarms. First, we have the inner alarm. It is an emotional alarm and is usually the 1st alarm to go off. It alerts us to an inner distance between us and our date or mate. This alarm has to do with what is on the inside. When a little fox hurts our feelings or our emotions, we close off our insides. We don’t share or talk about our thoughts, our emotions, or our dreams with our significant other. We become distant on the inside and our lover doesn’t hear our voice.
This alarm is generally quiet. It’s like waking up to easy listening music on the radio. Women are usually quick to hear the inner alarm and pick up on inner distance. What’s a matter? You haven’t said anything since you’ve been home. You were kind of quiet at the party, was anything wrong? Lots of times they know something is wrong before we do. Don’t they guys? Isn’t that amazing! In general, God has wired women to pick up on this alarm!
Outer Distance Alarm
The second alarm that goes off is the outer alarm. It is a physical alarm. It alerts us to physical distance. Its buzzer is related to the things that happen (or maybe I should say don’t happen) on the outside. You know what I mean
You reach out to take your spouse’s hand, and it’s like holding a limp fish! Your like: REALLY? What’s going on! Think of it this way guys…BMM. BMM. BMM. BMM! Your wife is setting of the outer alarm, guys!
How about this one? You lean out to give your spouse a kiss before you leave for work. Your kiss is real. But, the one that land on your lips, is the tiniest little peck you could imagine. He or she is pulls away before you even got started. That hasn’t happened to any of you has it? Then all of a sudden you have a Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding Ding moment. Something is wrong! That is the outer alarm going off.
Which Alarm Did Solomon Here
Which alarm do you think it was that got Solomon’s attention: the Inner Alarm or the Outer Alarm? Not hearing Tirzah or not seeing Tirzah. I think it was the outer alarm. He missed seeing her. The word for face is translated other places as physical form. He misses seeing her body in those cute clothes when the go out!
Men, when do you realize your wife is upset and there is a fox ruining your vineyard or
relationship? ….Most men realize there is something wrong when it affects their physical relationship with their spouse! And this usually means it takes us a lot longer to realize something is wrong, doesn’t it. We tend to ignore the inner alarm. I’ve slept thru it many, many times. ZZZ. ZZZZ. Didn’t mean to, but I did. I bet I’m not the only guy that sleeps thru it!
Unfortunately, some men don’t even hear the outer-alarm until it affects them in the bed. Or, they don’t want to deal with their inner-life or their wife’s inner-life (THE REAL PROBLEMS IN THEIR MARRIAGE) until it affects them in the bed.
Here is a little advice. If you are single and your boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t hearing your inner-alarm about the foxes in your relationship when it goes off, ….don’t marry him or her. Don’t think marriage will change things and help your date open up to you. It won’t! It will only get worse! The foxes will only multiply eat the rest of your blooms before there is any real fruit in your relationship.
Become a Student of Your Date or Mate
How do you begin hear the alarms about the foxes in your relationship. Become a student of your date or mate. Everyone’s alarm is a little different! And everyone has different foxes in their relationships.
Why is Tirzah distant, hiding from Solomon? There is a fox in their vineyard. Let look at verse 14 again to see what that fox might be. Solomon says: “My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside,…”
Doves are shy, timid, insecure birds that fly away at the slightest hint of threat. Solomon, the King, came leaping and bounding to her home to ask her to marry him. I bet his confidence scared her a bit. She took flight and hid herself from him.
Women’s Insecurites (Appearance)
Why? Well, I think it is because her insecurities have come to the surface again. You see, she still lacks total self-confidence! Remember, in chapter 1, she tells the models in Jerusalem, “Don’t stare at me because my skin was darkened by the sun.” She is insecure about her appearance.
I am sure she can’t help but wonder why Solomon didn’t pick one of these models in Jerusalem. He is a handsome king, he could have anyone! She is poor, shy and tentative about herself.
Remove Foxes w/Compliments
Solomon studied his fiancé. He knew her deepest fears and insecurities, and that her number 1 insecurity was self-image or appearance. And he worked hard to help her remove this fox by complimenting her. Men, many times, our significant other’s insecurities have to do with appearance and we should help them remove this fox by complimenting them as Solomon did!
Look at chapter 1 verse 8. Solomon says Tirzah is the most beautiful of women. Verse 9, You are the finest in all the land 1 in a million. Verse 10, I love your cheeks. Verse 11, I love your neck. Verse 15, Beautiful my darling; How beautiful. Your eyes are gorgeous!
Now in Chapter 2 verse 8, he addresses his fiancée’s real concern: Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. In other words the models in Jerusalem have nothing on you! They are thorns!
Now verse 14, after all of this her insecurities come to the surface and he says, “Your voice is sweet; and your face is lovely!”
What do we learn? We can never compliment enough! Especially when it comes to the areas where are date or mate or insecure.
Men’s Insecurities (performance)
This is good advice for women too! Guys have insecurities as well. Generally, they are not related to our looks or self-image. We don’t care a lot about that—look around the room and take a look at us! Belt crooked here. Collar not right over there…You know what I mean.
Women our insecurities are generally related to our performance! If a guy is struggling at work, guess what he is going to come home and be distant from you. His mind will be elsewhere. He will be thinking how he can improve and make his situation better. Ladies….that his inner-alarm going off! There is a fox in your marriage.
What should you do? Don’t tell him how bad he is for not engaging when he gets home. No, that will send him further away. He will start thinking about how he has to fix this too and it may overwhelm him with other situations he is dealing with. He will disengage even more.
Don’t criticize, compliment! Tell him how much you appreciate him putting himself in that difficult situation, day in and day out for you and your family. It will put him at ease at home and make it easier for him to open up to you. It is hard to open up or engage with the person that criticizes.
Let me give you an example from my life. When we first got married, I wanted to please my wife. So, I’d try to help her fold the laundry. Guess what, I didn’t fold the same way Paula did. And she let me know…over and over and over again. So now, I don’t touch the laundry! I’m afraid to engage. She can do it herself. You know what I mean guys! Maybe if she would have said, hey I appreciate you trying to help me. That is so wonderful! Hey can you try to fold the towel like this? Maybe there would have been a different result.
Compliment your guy for trying. He is already insecure about how he will perform! If he works on the house to save money for the family, compliment him for trying. Maybe he doesn’t get around to the honey-do list, because he is afraid his performance won’t meet your expectations.
Solomon became a student of his significant other. Learned about the fox of insecurity in her life and did he best to catch it and remove it! The fox of insecurity is best removed by compliments not criticism.
Learn to the Language of Your Spouse
Real quickly, I want you to see that Solomon took the time to learn to speak his fiancée’s love language to help remove the foxes in their relationship. In chapter 1, he encourages her by using his language and it is the language of sight. He describes visually what he likes about her. He is speaking the only language he knows. Men are visual.
Compare that to how Tirzah’s speaks to Solomon in chapter 1. She uses all of her senses when describing him: She compares him to things she smells, things she sees, things she touches, things she hears…Her language is full!
No fast forward to chapter 2. When we listen to Tirzah’s account of how Solomon proposes to her, look at how his language has grown. He describes the new life he sees them sharing with sights, and sounds, colors, and fragrances. We hear cooing birds, we smell blossoming plants. We feel the warm air of spring and see its colors. He has learned her language and is speaking it.
If we are going to remove the foxes in our relationships we must take the time to learn our mates love language. Or what we are saying will not make sense to them. This could be a sermon series on its own. I recommend you read a book called The Five Languages of Love.
Take The Time to Be a Student!
Next, it takes time to be a student of your date or mate. If you want to keep out the foxes that will devastate your relationship or your marriage, you have to take the time to be a student! In Deuteronomy 24:5 we learn that God thought this was so important that he gave the Israelite men 1 year off from the military duties when the first got married. He did this so they could focus on being a student of their wife and so their wife could be a student of her husband. If you have a lot of foxes in your marriage, you have to take the time and maybe give up certain responsibilities to work at knowing your spouse and ridding your marriage of these pests that want to ruin it.
WHAT FOXES ARE RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD?
Finally, because our relationships are meant to teach us about our relationship with God, let me ask you these questions. How is your relationship with God? Are there any foxes ruining your relationship with Him? Take the time to identify them and remove them from your life!
Don’t ignore the alarms in your in your marriage or in your relationship with your date. These alarms let you know there are little problems. Deal with them! Don’t let them multiply and devastate your marriage or your relationship with God.
