First Presbyterian Church
Wichita Falls, Texas
February 12, 2012
THE HORSE BEFORE THE CART
Of Horses and Carriages – Part 2
Isaac Butterworth
Ephesians 5:15-21 (NIV)
15 Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. 21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Leo Tolstoy opened his novel, Anna Karenina with this line: ‘Happy families,’ he said, ‘are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.’ I don’t know if that’s entirely true, but, of course, what is true is that there are happy families and there are unhappy families. Some people get married, and it seems they ruin each other’s lives. Others get married, and they are never happier. What do you suppose makes the difference? I want us to look at that question today. Because a lot is at stake in marriage; a lot is at stake in your marriage.
Marriage provides opportunities like no other relationship, opportunities for frustration and defeat on the one hand or opportunities for deep satisfaction and fullness on the other. I want to propose to you today that the marriage you want -- the marriage that leads to genuine happiness and lasting fulfillment -- is the marriage that fits God’s purposes. How can you have such a marriage? Let’s look at three essentials.
I. KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP AGAINST
The first one is: Know what you’re up against. The truth is: You and I are married to sinners...and so are our spouses! We are all fallen creatures, and that one fact has enormous impact on our marriages.
Take a second look at Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage. What do you make of it? It’s a power struggle, isn’t it? It’s distressing to see how this couple used their kids to manipulate each other. Isaac and Rebekah’s marriage was little more than an arena for tactical maneuvering. They had no common goals, only competing agendas. And the sad thing is: They were too tangled up in their dysfunction to know what they were up against.
That’s why, in Ephesians, Paul writes, ‘Be...careful...how you live.’ In fact, he says, ‘Be very careful...how you live -- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.’ What’s he saying? He’s saying we’ve go to recognize the potential for evil in every relationship, but especially in the marriage relationship.
As sinners, we are bent on seizing the advantage for ourselves. Self-absorption is our middle name, and we are determined to serve our own ends rather than the needs of others around us. And we are masters at deceiving ourselves and others about what we’re doing. We rationalize self-interest and convince ourselves that it’s the straightest path to real happiness. There’s an ‘Isaac’ or a ‘Rebekah’ in every one of us.
We’ve got to be wise to this. We’ve got to ‘be...careful’ with it. It’ll destroy a marriage. That’s why the first essential is to know what you’re up against.
II. KNOW WHAT YOU’RE IN IT FOR
And the second is: You have to know what you’re in it for. ‘Do not be foolish,’ Paul says, ‘but understand what the Lord’s will is.’ If I were to ask you, ‘What is the Lord’s will for your marriage?’ what do you suppose you would say? Did God have a purpose in bringing you and your spouse together? The marriage you find yourself to be a part of -- do you know what you’re in it for?
I want to suggest to you something that may seem entirely novel to you, and that is this: Your relationship with your spouse is the crucible God uses for shaping your heart and soul and, of course, the heart and soul of your spouse. It is the primary staging area on which God will stretch you both and mold you into the likeness of his Son.
And guess how he does that. He transforms you into a person who finds greater joy in serving than in being served. That’s why Paul says in verse 21, ‘Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ That’s the only way you and I are ever going to have a marriage that fits God’s purposes.
Now, this is a big step. Many of us think that our marriage is acceptable if we function at a minimum level: avoid infidelity, remember anniversaries and birthdays, go to see the in-laws without complaint, help around the house – in other words, pay the rent so that your spouse will stay off your back. But God has something far more interesting in mind for your marriage.
The New Testament calls it ‘sanctification.’ It means that God is at work in you -- in your heart, in your mind, in your relationships, in your circumstances, you name it -- he’s at work in all of it to transform you into a different kind of person. In fact, his priority for your life isn’t to make you happy or rich or comfortable or appreciated or whatever you think it ought to be. His priority for your life is to make you more and more like his Son Jesus. And he will make you miserable if that’s what he has to do in order to make you Christlike. So, whether it’s the difficult co-worker at your office, or the fellow church member that annoys you, or the unsympathetic spouse you live with, you reverence Christ by submitting to God’s purposes in that relationship. God has placed you where you are so that you will learn how to serve. Jesus himself said that he ‘did not come to be served, but to serve,’ and reproducing that mentality in you, my friend, is God’s primary aim in your marriage. When it comes to your relationship with your spouse, you need to know what you’re in it for. And if you’re not in it for God’s purposes, you’re missing the point.
III. KNOW HOW IT WORKS AND DOESN’T WORK
So, what have we said so far? If you want a marriage that fits God’s purposes for your life together, you need to know what you’re up against and you need to know what you’re in it for. Those are the first two essentials. The third one is this: You need to know how it works and how it doesn’t work.
Let’s say that you’re ready to embrace all this. Let’s say that, when it comes to your marriage, you’re in it to reverence Christ by submitting to God’s purposes for your relationship. Let’s say you’re ready to be the kind of person who’s here to serve, not to be served. Let’s say all that’s true. You still have something else to deal with. You have to remember the first essential. You have to know what you’re up against. And what you’re up against is an internal wall of resistance.
You may want to be a servant to your spouse, but, remember, you’re a sinner and there’s a part of you that doesn’t want that.
You’re not going to be able to ‘muscle’ your way on this. You don’t have the resources within you to be the kind of husband or wife God has in mind for you to be. What you need is going to have to come from beyond you. Put very simply, it’s going to take a work of God. That’s why Paul says in verse 18, ‘Be filled with the Spirit.’
The Christian life is not a self-help program. Neither is a Christian marriage. You have to know how this works and how it doesn’t work. And it doesn’t work apart from grace. If you try to do it on your own steam, you will get the cart before the horse. If you’re going to go anywhere in this, anywhere at all, you’ve got to get the horse before the cart. Only the Spirit can form you into people who ‘submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.’ You must ‘be filled with the Spirit.’ But how can you do that? How can you ‘be filled with the Spirit?’
Here’s how: You use the means of grace. And the primary means of grace is the Word of God applied to your heart by the Holy Spirit. The Spirit’s usual means of working is through the Word.
So, as you read the Word of God and hear it proclaimed, the Spirit exposes your sin and gives you the grace to acknowledge it and to repent of it. That’s critical, but that’s not all. The Spirit also uses the Word to show you the grace of God. There is mercy for your sin and power for overcoming it. That mercy and that power are in Jesus Christ, and the Spirit gives you the faith to trust Christ for pardon from your sin and for power in living. And that becomes the pattern of your life: repentance and faith, repentance and faith. And by this means, God sanctifies you. He makes you into a loving person, and -- guess what! -- loving persons are lovely persons, and they make wonderful spouses.
I’m not suggesting that this is easy; it isn’t. You and I may fail repeatedly and only succeed occasionally. The ego won’t sit by in approving silence. When it goes, it goes kicking and screaming. But grace is a real source of power for overcoming the ‘Isaac’ or ‘Rebekah’ that resides in each of us. And when we look to God for grace to become less like them and more like Christ, our marriages will more nearly fit God’s purposes.
