Matthew 5:27-30
Lust and flirting – marriage’s kryptonite
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Marriage. The 21st century - where is marriage in the 21st century? Where is it going? A hot topic in the news is gay marriage. But some wonder what the fuss is about, - after all, most couples these days live together, try it out beforehand, before they formally tie the knot. And in the eyes of the law, these de-facto marriages have just as much legal standing as a legal marriage. Why? Well people don’t want commitment. And of course, even if you are in a legal marriage, it is easy to end it and go and find someone else. Today’s society treats marriage as an option, and the focus is all about “me” - what “I” want.
Kids are often the product of marriages – and non-marriages. I am constantly amazed to hear today of the multitude forms of blended marriages - people with multiple mums and dads, some of whom hate each others’ guts. And today we are urged that to be progressive, we should even have same sex adoptions so that kids can have multiple mums and no dads or vice versa.
Marriage. We’ve got our ideas about marriage, but, friends – our ideas are not important. One of the first things that God did when He made people, was to found the institution of marriage.
Genesis 224 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
God is serious about marriage, and our next two sermons in Matthew are about marriage and about protecting marriage - that sacred union between a man and a woman, where two people become one. When we read Matt 5:27-32 it looks like Jesus is teaching us about adultery. Why? What’s that got to do with marriage? Because it is adultery that destroys marriages. Adultery is like kryptonite to marriage. And so today as we look at Matt 5:27-30, it looks at adultery of the mind, the things that can lead to destroying our marriages. And the following few verses, which we won’t get to for a few weeks time because next week and the following we have guest speakers, talk about divorce – when the marriage is ruptured. So hold on to your seatbelts, like last Sunday’s sermon on murder and anger and when Christians have something against other Christians, this sermon is also tough - but it is necessary. And I also need to warn you now that because of the topics covered in today’s passage, if you have young kids here and you haven’t talked to them yet about the birds and the bees, then you might want to take them down to Kingdom Kids because we’ll be talking about the birds and the bees today. Not in a crude way, but in order to understand what Jesus is saying to us today. In verse 27 Jesus repeats the 7th commandment from the Old Testament:
Matthew 527 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
Fine, I think, I’ve never committed adultery. I’ve always been faithful to Marcela – I’ve never slept with another woman. And I know here today many of us can say that about our spouses - although I realise that some of you here today may have actually committed adultery, and we will talk about that in a few weeks time. But before I can get all smug because I’ve never committed adultery, Jesus then continues with the next verse, which I’m sure most of us know!
Matthew 528 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Now that makes it a lot harder. I’ve hung around for guys long enough to know that most of us have committed this sin at some stage, and many people – men in particular – constantly struggle with it. But we do need to ask what exactly this verse means. Normally it is taken with the meaning that if a bloke sees an attractive woman - whether in the flesh, or in a magazine, on the TV or on the internet - and lusts after her, that that is what this verse is talking about. And it’s true that it does include this. But this verse is actually talking about a lot more than men looking at attractive women and thinking the wrong thing. This passage is talking about the things that can undermine a marriage, and the biggest killer of a marriage is adultery.
And so we need to ask – what is adultery? Well, let’s not mince words. Adultery is either someone who is married who has sex with anyone who isn’t their spouse, or anyone, even a single person, who has sex with a married person. That is, two people have sex and at least one of them is married, but not to each other. And next time I preach on Matthew, we’ll be having a closer look at what God’s definition of marriage is. So I guess all the singles might be asking a question now: does that mean it’s okay for me to have sex with another single person since neither of us are married? Well – no, because while sex between two single people before marriage is not adultery, it is fornication, or in modern words – a type of sexual immorality. And I need to remind you that other parts of the Bible say that any sex outside marriage is wrong, even if both parties are single.
But in this case here in Matthew it is dealing with the situation when at least one party is married - that is adultery. This passage, along with the next one we will look at in a few weeks’ time, is concerned with protecting marriage, and warning us not to be a part of breaking the sacred marriage bond between a man and a woman, whether it is our marriage or someone else’s. So if you are single here today you might think this passage is not for you, and in some ways it isn’t, but in some ways it might be because:
a) you might be single now but one day you might be married, so it is good to know what you are signing up for when you do get married.
b) as a single person there is the potential for you to desire someone who is already married.
c) perhaps the biggest shock of all, if you have been married before, although you might think you are single, and you might be single in the eyes of the law, God might still regard you as married – but more of that next time when we look at God’s definition of marriage.
So back to adultery. It’s an action that could be policed by other people. But Jesus is again interested in not just what our actions are, but also in what goes on in the mind. Have you ever seen someone of the opposite, or even the same sex, who is not your husband or wife, and desired to have sex with them? Or even if not sex, wished that that person was your husband or wife, instead of the one you currently have? Or you’re single and you’ve wished that someone who is already married was your husband or wife? That’s what Jesus is talking about here. If you’ve done that, then you’ve committed adultery in your heart. And one of the biggest areas this happens is with us men who are very easily stimulated visually. And as a bloke, if we see a woman and lust after her, as soon as you lust, desire to touch that woman – any sexual thought - then Jesus says, hey – that’s adultery.
Now, you might ask, why is this so bad? Surely what goes on in my head, in my mind, if it doesn’t become reality, doesn’t hurt anyone? In our society the idea of, “you can look but don’t touch” is the accepted norm. “Window shopping”, one might say. But even if it doesn’t hurt anyone else - although that is debatable - it definately hurts you, and it shows who the real you is. And that’s what Jesus is interested in – your heart, not just what you look like on the outside, but who the real you is on the inside.
But there is a sense when it does hurt others, and if you have a really close look at the grammatical structure of this verse in the Greek it comes out. It’s very complicated to explain why this is the case, and if you’re into the Greek and want to know why, come and ask me later (it’s all to do with the subject of an infinitive verb being in the accusative case), but you see there’s two ways to translate verse 28. One is the way you see it in most Bible translations such as the ESV:
Matthew 528 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
but it can also be translated as
But I say to you that everyone, who, looking at a woman so that she lusts, has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Do you see the difference? In other words, it is looking at a woman, interacting with her in a way that tempts her to desire you. We call that “flirting.” And of course it goes the other way too. There are things a woman can do which entice a man to desire you. It’s often been said, that it only the one who looks and desires who is the one who sins, but what this is saying in our verse, is that it’s also a sin to entice someone to desire you. And sometimes that can be intentional, and sometimes unintentional.
As to intentional flirting: well – you know what that is, and if you are in the habit of doing it: STOP! If you’re married - don’t’ flirt with that guy in the office. Don’t flirt with that girl in the shop. That’s adultery of the mind. And if you’re single, don’t do that with anyone who is married, Or you aren’t sure if they are married or not. Don’t play with fire. Marriage is sacred, anyone married is off limits. And as we will see in a few weeks’ time, that can also include people who are separated but who are still married in God’s eyes. For married people our courting days are over.
But what about unintentional flirting? This goes on more than you might think. The reason it goes on more that we might think, is that men and women are turned on in different ways. And so a men can be unintentionally turning on a woman without realising it, and vice versa.
So how do men turn on women? Well to be honest, I don’t really know. But I’ve been told that men can turn on women with things like, a gentle touch, a complement about how they look, even by helping them with some task. And some women can also be turned on by the physical appearance of some men. Now – does that mean we should avoid all touch, comments about looks and helping people? Well, I will get to that soon.
And women - how do you turn men on? As a man I can tell you exactly what turns men on. Men are attracted visually to women, more so than women are to men. I know I’ll get in trouble for saying this, but I have to say it because it’s important: be careful what you wear – or don’t wear! Men are attracted by the female figure, and clothing or lack of clothing that is revealing or accenuates the figure can tempt a man to lust after you. You don’t realise how that can turn a man on, and that’s because women aren’t turned on as visually as men are, so women often don’t realise how powerful a temptation it is to men. You may not be flirting intentionally, but you may be doing it unintentionally.
So what should we do? What is the solution? Should we do what they do in Yemen and other Islamic countries, and totally separate men and women from each other so that no temptation can go on? In strict Islamic societies, such as in Yemen, the women have to wear head-to-toe coverings. All you can see is their eyes. Why? It’s so the men don’t lust after them. That’s the reason, plain and simple. Women have to wear these hot and uncomfortable clothes because of men’s lust problems. And not only that, they practice something called “purdah.” That is women are secluded from men. They keep separate as much as possible, women are kept inside as much as possible, in separate rooms to men. Except for very close relatives, men and women operate in separate universes. And you might have noticed from the street scenes of Yemen how there are hardly any women on the streets. Why? It’s an attempt to try and remove any possible possibilty of temptation for both men and women. So going back to what I said before, should we have it also that men not touch women, or comment on their looks, or help them, and women wear head to toe clothes so that the temptation to lust is removed?
But when we read the Bible, we see no such grounds for that sort of separation. We read that men and women who were not married to each other did associate with each other. In the early church, men and women worked together. Jesus even broke taboos by speaking to a Samaritan woman. And some of those things can be good things - it can be good to be helpful to people in need. It can be helpful to tell someone they look good today, or give a side-on hug to someone who needs comfort. And as for the the different shapes of men and women’s bodies, well God made us like that for a reason: so we would be attracted to each other - but in the right context!
So what is the answer? It’s not easy to give you a clear cut answer. It’s tempting to make rules, for example – men - don’t touch a women for more than 1.5 seconds. Women – skirts at a certain length, etc. But to make rules that govern how Christians should live, rules that aren’t in the Bible, is what is called legalism. But we should use common sense, remembering that Christ has written His law on our heart. And we should be sensitive. Women – ask your husbands or if you are single - your fathers or even your friends who are male: the clothes I wear – are they appropriate? Men – ask your wives – or if you aren’t married, ask your mums, your friends who are female - are there things I do that could be misconstrued, that could be taken the wrong way? Be sensitve and be careful that even if unintential, that you aren’t enticing others to sin.
Because if you flirt with the result that someone else lusts after you, then you share in that sin..
But of course, that does not absolve responsibility for the one who does the lusting. If you are tempted by someone who is not your wife or husband, and you succomb to that temptation and lust, that is – you sexually desire that person, or you wish they were your spouse instead of the one you have, then you’ve committed adultery of the heart.
So as we look at this command, we realise how difficult it is to keep. Guys – there is the battle of the mind. We are turned on so easily by visual images, but if that causes us to desire or fantasise about having sex with someone who isn’t our wife, or who is someone else’s wife, then that’s adultery of the heart. And women, if you are turned on by a man who isn’t your husband, or who is someone else’s husband, then that is sin. Or if you know another guy and wish he was your husband instead of the one you have, then that’s adultery of the mind. And you know I’ve heard heard both husbands and wives complaining to their spouse, “I wish you were like so and so – look how he or she treats their spouse.” Saying and thinking things like that undermine your our marriage relationship.
But you might be asking now, does this really matter? Is it really so serious what goes on in my mind? Is really that harmful if I engage in a bit of harmless flirting? Harmless? Let’s have a look at an example of two people in the Bible who weren’t careful with their eyes or thoughts…. David and Bathsheeba.
2 Samuel 112 It happened, late one afternoon, when David arose from his couch and was walking on the roof of the king’s house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; and the woman was very beautiful. 3 And David sent and inquired about the woman. And one said, “Is not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite?” 4 So David sent messengers and took her, and she came to him, and he lay with her.
First of all – what was David doing on the roof of his palace walking around, from where he could see down into people’s coutyards? I have sneaking suspicion he knew what he could see from up there. He was perving. And I wonder what Bathsheeba was doing bathing, outside, were she could be seen from the roof of the palace. Then when David saw Bathsheba bathing, why didn’t he quickly turn around and head back downstairs? Instead, he found out her name, and that she was married! Then invited her over to his place. When Bathsheeba received the invitation, why did she go to his house? And the next thing we know they are in bed together.
You know marriage is sacred to God. It started right back in the Garden of Eden and is the foundation of society. And marriage these days is being eroded and the results are catastrophic. But even if your lust, your perving, your flirting doesn’t lead you to do the actual act, it is still serious because it shows what’s in your mind, your heart, the real you.
Now how serious is all this? How seriously should we try to deal with this if we have a problem with lust or flirting? Well let’s see what Jesus says about it in the next few verses:
Matthew 529 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
There’s that “h” word again. Hell. Jesus seems to use it quite a bit. It’s not somewhere I want to go, so I need to listen to what He says here. And Jesus’ solution is some very radical surgery. Such as removing your eye or your arm. Does that mean that next Sunday we should come with our right eyes and arms removed – literally? Randal will be busy this week doing amputations. Well, I don’t think Jesus means it literally. Why? – well because Jesus says to remove your right eye and your right hand. Now I don’t know about you, but I can lust just as well with my left eye as my right eye. If removing your eyes would solve the problem of lust then Jesus would tell us to take them both out! But He says the “right” eye and “right” hand because in that culture, the right was considered more valuable that the left, and so Jesus is using a metaphor and saying - if you have a problem in this area, do something about it, even if means losing or giving up something valuable.
This is where the rubber hits the road. So guys – if you have a problem with lust – images, scantily-clad girls etc, do something about it. If certain TV shows pose a problem for you, don’t watch those shows. If you can’t stop yourself watching them, get rid of the TV. You think that’s drastic? Well – it’s not as drastic as pulling out your right eye, and Jesus says it is better to do that than go to hell! What about the internet? Ditto. If you are tempted to go to porn sites, put on an internet filter such as x3watch.com or Covenant Eyes, or only use the internet when someone else is home so that you are accountable. And of course one of the problems with the Internet is you don’t even have to go looking for porn - it comes to you! You can be on the most mundane sites and the sidebars have scantily clad women. Or you can do the most mundane search and all of a sudden you realise that the name of the thing you were searching for is also the name of a whole lot of women who are too poor to buy clothes. When that happens, you’ve gotta be strong, and do something straight away. Click the refresh button so those sidebar adds change. Close that search - whatever it takes. Whatever it is, if it’s causing a problem and leading you to sin, get rid of it.
And all of us - if you are finding yourself in a situation of being tempted to flirt, or being tempted by someone flirting with you - remove yourself from that situation. If that means working somewhere else – do it. If that means changing your wardrobe – do it. And if there is someone you are currently flirting with that you shouldn’t be - then pull back. And if that means avoiding that person, even changing jobs, moving towns, do that. It is better to do that, it is better to lose that part of your life, than keep it all and the whole lot of you goes to hell. Friends, those are harsh words, but that’s what Jesus says here in black and white.
You might be asking now, how does that fit in with grace? Aren’t we saved by grace? And these commands, they are impossible to keep. Remember what I said about this with anger, where Jesus also talked about hell? These commands of Jesus ought to drive us to realise how inadequate our righteousness is before God, and call us to cry out to Him for mercy. It is only through what Jesus did on the cross, through which we can share His righteousness, that we can avoid the pits of hell. So when you sin in the area of anger, or of lust or flirting, then cry out to God for forgiveness. As 1 John 1:9 says:
1 John 19 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
But note that God doesn’t just forgive us of our sins when we confess them - He cleanses us. So that means that while we recognise that we will never be truly free from our sins until we are perfected in the coming kingdom of heaven, that Kingdom of Heaven is coming in; is establishing itself in our lives, and part of that is making Jesus Lord and king of our lives. It is letting Him reign in us, and that means we need to be co-operating with Him, in removing those things in our life that lead us into sin and working with Him to become holy and pure, and striving for that perfection He requires of us, even though we know we won’t attain it in its fullness until the next age.
And the other way these commands of Jesus are also gracious, is it gracious, loving, of Jesus to warn us of something than can consume us and separate us from Him. If you to to a doctor and he sees that you have cancer, would it be nice and loving for him to tell you that you don’t have cancer, because you might be upset to hear the bad news? And meanwhile the cancer grows and grows and kills you because you didn’t do anything about it, because you weren’t aware of how dangerous it was. Friends, sexual lusting, flirting, is exactly like cancer. If you have a problem with it, and you don’t do something about it, it will grow, get out of control, until it separates you from God. And I’ve met so many people who let that happen.
I hope that all makes sense. It’s a difficult topic today, and if you are still confused or have questions please come and talk to me more about it.
