Matthew 18:15-20
(15) "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
(16) But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
(17) If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
(18) Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
(19) Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. (20) For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them."
Mat 18:21-22
(21) Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?"
(22) Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
“Against me” is genuine here. (Robertson)
“The man who asks such a question does not really know what forgiveness means” (Plummer).
Some people don’t deal with conflict so well…
Sacramento, Calif.—A man who hit his wife with a frozen squirrel was jailed on suspicion of spousal abuse, police said Monday. Kao Khae Saephan, 26, had been arguing with his wife early Monday morning when he walked into the kitchen and took several frozen squirrels from the freezer, police spokeswoman Betsy Braziel said. The woman told police that when she walked in the room, her husband swung the squirrels at her and struck her in the head with at least one of them. She fell against a table and received a one-inch cut above her eye, Braziel said. Saephan was booked into the county jail.
Spokesman-Review, 12-17-1991
French novelist and playwright Alexandre Dumas once had a heated quarrel with a rising young politician. The argument became so intense that a duel was inevitable. Since both men were superb shots they decided to draw lots, the loser agreeing to shoot himself. Dumas lost. Pistol in hand, he withdrew in silent dignity to another room, closing the door behind him. The rest of the company waited in gloomy suspense for the shot that would end his career. It rang out at last. His friends ran to the door, opened it, and found Dumas, smoking revolver in hand.
“Gentlemen, a most regrettable thing has happened,” he announced. “I missed.”
Today in the Word, Moody Bible Institute, Jan., 1992, p. 33
How to Turn a Disagreement into a Feud
1. Be sure to develop and maintain a healthy fear of conflict, letting your own feelings build up so you are in an explosive frame of mind.
2. If you must state your concerns, be as vague and general as possible. Then the other person cannot do anything practical to change the situation.
3. Assume you know all the facts and you are totally right. The use of a clinching Bible verse is helpful. Speak prophetically for truth and justice; do most of the talking.
4. With a touch of defiance, announce your willingness to talk with anyone who wishes to discuss the problem with you. But do not take steps to initiate such conversation.
5. Latch tenaciously onto whatever evidence you can find that shows the other person is merely jealous of you.
6. Judge the motivation of the other party on any previous experience that showed failure or unkindness. Keep track of any angry words.
7. If the discussion should, alas, become serious, view the issue as a win/lose struggle. Avoid possible solutions and go for total victory and unconditional surrender. Don’t get too many options on the table.
8. Pass the buck! If you are about to get cornered into a solution, indicate you are without power to settle; you need your partner, spouse, bank, whatever. Ron Kraybill, quoted in Tell it to the Church, Lynn Buzzard, David C. Cook, 1982, p. 23
Larry Crabb wrote “The difference between spiritual and unspiritual community is not whether conflict exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. When conflict is seen as an opportunity to draw more fully on spiritual resources, we have the makings of spiritual community.”
EOLS: Jesus teaches us to address conflicts with our brother (sister) quickly and to follow four steps toward resolution.
“Why can’t we all just get along?” (Rodney King)
Well the reason is simple: As long as we live in a world of sin and strife, conflicts and offenses will be a reality of life in the Kingdoms of this World. It seems to me that it’s near impossible to avoid some kind of conflict for any length of time. You might be fortunate and go a few days free, but trust me, it will come!
But wouldn’t it be nice…one day when the Kingdoms of this World become the Kingdoms of our Lord in Christ, conflict will be no more. But until that day we need to learn some basics of how to manage it, direct it and let God work it out in our lives.
Today we turn to the classic passage where the Lord Jesus himself addresses this issue of human conflict. Once again today we’re talking primarily about human interpersonal relations. Matthew 18:15-20 is Jesus giving His way that people should operate with one another, and then with the larger community. He gives the path to conflict resolution.If we do it His way, we can watch him turn conflict into a learning process, and often it can result in both parties growing spiritually.
Matthew 18 is the manual for church discipline; addressing problems that rise in the Christian community. The principles however work well in business and other relationships of life. There is a time and a tried and true and a pathway to address interpersonal issues.
My story of conflict this week (the work situation)
Someone has to take the first step, lead the way.
The Interpreter’s Commentary:
“we have no right to nurse our grudges, whine about our wounds, and resist efforts at healing. We are to take the first step - to risk the engagement that can lead to a restored relationship.”
I. The Conflict Clarified
It’s important that we understand the conflict for what it is:
“If your brother”- this is a conflict between two believers, two from the same family. This is not a question of good versus evil or an all-out war for justice or freedom. It’s often not a clear-cut case. There ’s all kinds of detail, things may have gone back and forth. There are likely shades of grey involved-only God knows the truth. To get to the Truth, we will need to seek God.
It may have been brewing way too long. It may have been intentional or unintentional. The sin is more than just a personality conflict, it’s an actual transgression against someone, yet it may be that only one party sees it.
It is imperative that we address it quickly
Jesus tells us to take care of it quickly, don’t let problems brew and simmer, because they can easily escalate out of hand and get resolved outside of the scriptural process.
Mat 5:25
(25) Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison.
Get rid of the dramatics and the mind-reading! (I know what you meant by that…) It’s not just teenage girls that thrive on drama-I know plenty of grown men who love nothing more than to stir something till it stinks! If we move quickly and appropriately, we can dispense with the drama.
It’s important here to take the rhetoric out of it. Get rid of the he-said-she-said. Get to the facts, Jesus says. These types of communications are always counter-productive.
Dancing around the issue, name-calling, dredging up the past are never effective in resolution and only inflame the situation. Say what you mean, mean what you say. The words you use are very powerful. Address the situation head on.
QUOTE:
I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent. (from Horton Hears a Who, Dr. Seuss)
Mat 5:37
(37) Let what you say be simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything more than this comes from evil.
You need to identify the issues, and focus on those. You cannot get inside another person’s head and know what they were thinking or what their motives are/were.We also need to take an honest look at the issue at hand. Is it really worth it?
We have to cut to the chase, get to:
II. The Core Issue
We must separate the person from the action. Nice people can do bad things. Look to the person behind the “evil mask.” We have to face the fact that we ourselves hurt people sometimes both innocently and intentionally.
We must remember “hurt people, hurt people.”
It is the rare case where a person is pure evil operating as a tool of satan exclusively. The devil often uses “fine Christian folk” to do his work, and all it takes are his planting seeds of doubt, fear and destruction.
III. The Corrective Action
The goal is resolution, with the best possible outcome of restoration and reconciliation. The context follows the restoration of the lost sheep, the one who was separated from the ninety-nine.
The goal comes out early “gain your brother.”
We must acknowledge however that sometimes the individual does not respond well when confronted even in the most loving way. Pride causes people to bristle and often becomes a blinder which will not allow them to see their own fault. If the individual does not respond to the private meeting, then we are to return with two or three witnesses. Talk it through. Let the witnesses tell what they have seen. Perhaps when the individual realizes it’s not just one person, but others have observed the offense they will then be broken in their pride and respond well.
Rom 12:18
(18) If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Finally, where the individual will not respond to the witnesses, then Jesus says to “take it to the church” or the assembly. Take it to the larger context, the venue where the relationship occurs (a church, workplace, a school, a family, etc) and the person who refuses to acknowledge their own error and strive for reconciliation and peace must be marked and removed.
The interesting case of an old friend who was "put out" of the church and years later restored... for example.
Cases from other walks of life.
There comes a time for separation.
IV. The Continuing Relationship
The best and highest outcome is to gain your brother, for full reconciliation. But if the steps do not bring this to fruition (it takes two to agree), then a parting of ways may be appropriate.
Don’t “stomp off” before the steps have been fully implemented because it will short-circuit the process. Only when we have taken these steps can we say we’ve done everything possible in our power to reconcile the situation. Then the offended party can live in peace. The Holy Spirit has spoken through the process.
In the practical sense, often times there are things that need to change on both sides. When this process works best, both parties are moved in love and anything that needs to come out will do so.
We must forgive, forgiveness is about my relationship with God. I need to forgive regardless of what the other person does.
Yet restoration is another matter. We may have to go our separate ways, while forgiving.
V. The Conclusion:
Someone needs to take that first step-if you wait for the explosion then it’s usually too late.
Act quickly, agree if at all possible. Even if you have to agree to disagree, forgive and forget and amend the working relationship if possible.
Focus on the issues, spelled out in detail. Make sure you listen as much as you talk.
Allow the Holy Spirit room and time to work. In practice, when things work out you will often have both sides giving and receiving forgiveness and love.
Celebrate God’s reconciliation-the healing! Today is our Communion Service.
