Introduction: (Laura) We loved our house even before we moved into it. The people who owned it before us were friends and they loved and cared for that house – they had great memories and lots of personal history associated with that house. We could see that just by walking in. After we bought it we wanted to make it our own so we did a lot of work to the inside – mostly, paint and wallpaper. We went with the styles and colors that we “in” at the time. It was an older home but with the updates it was as if it were brand new.
(Michael) Fast-forward 10 years. We knew we had to make some repairs to our home and that prompted discussions about some other things inside the house. Our once up-to-date stuff – wallpaper and paint – were no longer up-to-date. In fact, in 10 short years they were now out-of-date. So, my little home decorator here set out to choose colors and put into motion ideas she had had to set the place right and make that old house new again. And you know what, that’s okay; that’s a good thing. In fact, it’s biblical. God loves to make the old new again.
(Laura) We are in a series entitled “Home Improvement” and this is week #3. Today’s topic is “Why Update?” (Making the Old New Again.) Today we plan to get personal, very personal. Our goal is not to embarrass anyone, we just want to help you recover the luster if you’ve lost it or protect what you have from potential decay. So, relax and smile. This will be over before you know it.
(Michael) Sounds like a dentist appointment.
When you were a kid playing games with the other neighborhood kids and something in the game didn’t go quite right you might call out “do-over.” The kid in the lead would of course protest but you were undeterred – you just wanted another shot at whatever it was to increase you chance of winning. Did you know that God is into “do-overs?” In the OT He proclaimed every 50th year to be the great year of do-overs. Everyone got a fresh new start.
(Laura) In fact, everyday is a do-over. Lamentations 3:22, 23 (ESV) says “The
steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are
new every morning; great is your faithfulness. That means you can have a fresh new
start – in your life, in your walk with God, and in your marriage.
(Michael) the Bible says that God makes all things new. So let’s talk about how to
make some things new in your relationship. We’ll talk about three things – not
wallpaper, paint, and tile but vision, connection, intimacy.
Vision = direction (Where are you headed)
Connection = friendship (Where hearts become one)
Intimacy = sex (Where love is “made”)
1. Vision = Direction (Where are you headed)
A. Vision is not the first thing people think of when they think of a
successful marriage. But whether people realize it or not, every successful endeavor begins with a vision.
1. We had a vision of what we wanted our marriage to be when we first set out. The same holds true of our family.
2. Amos 3:3 (NKJV) Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
B. Vision is about what you see for your future, where you want to go in your life. Sometimes as we grow and/or as our life-circumstances change our vision undergoes adjustment. We need to make sure we’re on the same page.
1. Talk about your future together. Share your dreams.
2. Assess your ability to make those dreams become a reality. Be sensible about your aspirations.
3. these are not individual dreams but dreams of your future together.
C. Agree on your vision – the picture of your desired future.
1. Amos 3:3 (NKJV) Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
2. If you are going to “walk together” you are going to have to agree.
3. In the Hebrew “together” = “as a unit, as one”
4. Where have we heard these words before? In the most oft repeated verse in the Bible – Gen 2:24 (KJV) Therefore, shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
5. Every time we teach on marriage it always comes back to this. Oneness is the key to happiness in marriage. And that starts with agreeing on where we want this marriage, this life together, to go – vision.
6. We move toward oneness when we come into agreement over our desired future.
D. Make your vision new again by:
1. Putting the kids to bed, ordering some food, lighting a candle and talk over the future.
2. Check into a hotel and dream together about your tomorrow as a couple. (Ask a friend to keep your kids for a night and them trade the favor.)
3. Attend a marriage conference together.
4. Design your own personal retreat – mountains or beach – for just the two of you and talk about the future.
E. The key is to come into agreement!
2. Connection = friendship (Where hearts become one)
A. Few people think of marriage when they think of friendship.
1. Friendship is often viewed as a lesser relationship than marriage. Like marriage is something else.
2. But every successful marriage is based on friendship and one of the keys to keeping things fresh is maintaining that friendship – not just marital partners but friends, not just parents but friends, not just lovers but friends.
3. The most sacred of all relationships – your relationship with God - includes friendship. John 15:15 (NIV) I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends
B. Friendship includes three things: Common Interests, Time, Counsel
1. Common Interest
a. Common interests brought you together in the first place but those common interests may no longer be relevant (some might not have been legal!)
b. It might be time to upgrade the paint or change the wallpaper altogether! It might be time for something fresh.
c. Find something you both enjoy – sport, activity, TV series to watch together, book series, hobby, etc.
d. Don’t say, “We have the kids – that’s our common interest.” Of course that’s true and it is right for you to be together on how the kids should be raised. But you need a connection a part from the kids. She needs to be a wife, not just a mom. He needs to be a husband not just a dad. You needs something special just between the to of you.
e. It doesn’t have to be something major – just something that is yours in common.
2. Time
a. All relationships take time and require time to maintain them.
b. Your time is your life so when you invest your time in someone you are investing your life.
c. Some time counts more than other time. Time sitting together in the movie theater counts very little but the discussion about the movie you have over coffee and desert afterwards counts a lot.
d. Some people feel like this, “We are together al the time! We live in the same house, drive in the same car, parent the same children.” But being in proximity to a person over time is not the same as spending time with them.
e. When you think about spending time with your spouse think “connection” – time spent connecting with them.
f. A few practical ideas: lunch together once a week, breakfast on your day off, gardening or working in the yard, travel, the weekly date.
3. Counsel – advice given with your best interests in mind
a. Advice is everywhere – TV and radio talk shows, co-workers, parents on the sidelines at your kid’s practice.
b. You should be wary of advice given by people who are not “in the boat” with you. I liken them to people who are standing on the banks of the river as you float by shouting out ideas. Don’t listen to them. But if your buddy who is in the same boat offers and idea? Now that’s one you should listen to.
c. No one on the planet is in your boat quite like your spouse.
d. Prov 27:9 (NIV) Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.
e. Sadly, many react to the counsel of their spouse because they have pigeon-holed them – “I know what you are going to say, so I don’t need to ask.” But the truth is no one knows you better and no one will feel the impact of that counsel more since no one is in the boat quite the same way as your spouse. Listen!
3. Intimacy = sex (Where love is “made”)
A. People assume that intimacy comes naturally. But the truth is, while the act of intimacy may come naturally, true intimacy does not.
1. Sex is an action but love requires a heart connection and that is where intimacy grows.
2. Lust gets. It says, “Take care of my needs.” Love gives and serves to meet the needs of another.
3. When the sensation is all a person is after then no connection is required. Sex becomes a biological function.
4. Now a word of balance - In the ebb and flow of life, especially a busy life, it is unrealistic to think that every time you come together with your spouse that the earth will move or that it is even supposed to. There are times where it is simply important to take care of the biological side of things. Sometimes life circumstances demand that it is that way.
5. But we should regularly sow into the intimacy aspect of your marriage.
B. “Routine” leads to being in a rut which produces boredom and boredom is the enemy of intimacy.
1. When you don’t have to think, you are in a routine.
2. When you know what is going to happen before it happens you are in a routine.
3. When it no longer sounds exciting you are in a routine.
4. When you do it because you have to you are in a routine.
5. When you do it but you’re bored with it you are in a routine.
C. The opposite of “routine” is “new.”
1. Try some new ideas. Simply Romantic Nights
2. Try some new places. Use your imagination but be careful. Go on a date that ends up in a hotel.
3. Try some new clothes. Gym shorts, sweat pants, snuggie, flannel pj’s are not on the list of intimacy producing clothes.
4. Try a new approach. Start with flowers, a card, text him and tell him what you are wearing … or not wearing.
5. Try a new line. Communicate emotionally – your need, your appreciation, your love for him or her. Tell her what you have been dreaming about her. But, “Hey, you wanna do it?” Might not be the best approach.
6. Try making a new plan. A plan helps her with anticipation and sets you up to focus on connection and not coercing.
7. Try some new things or old things as long as they are not part of the routine. But as we said in week #1, break the boredom but don’t break the rules. Violating Scripture will only violate your conscience and defile your intimacy. It will backfire on you. Marriage is one husband and one wife so no others can be included in any way – physically, emotionally, visually as in porn.
Conclusion: Even the best of things can get old. And often they get old before we
realize they are. The key word is “fresh” – a fresh look, fresh paint, fresh colors.
The same is true of our marriages and relationships. Take a fresh look at your vision
– where you re headed together. Freshen up your connection and deepen you
friendship with each other. And don’t be afraid to break up the routine by embracing
some new ideas as regards your physical intimacy.
