find James chapter 1. When you have found it, look up here. Joyce asked me on the way to church tonight, “Adrian, what is your subject matter?” And I said, “I am going to be speaking tonight on communication between husbands and wives.” (Laughter) She said, “Well all right, but remember I will be sitting out there listening (Laughter) to every word.” I think perhaps the number one problem in most of our homes is in communication. As a matter of fact, one marriage counselor said eighty percent; eighty percent of those who come in for counseling about marriage have a problem that roots in poor communication.
Well, James is talking about communication here in James chapter 1 verses 19 and 20. Let’s look at it. “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” There is awesome power in communication, the power of the tongue. As a matter of fact, if we don’t in our marriages learn to communicate, most likely our marriage will disintegrate.
Let me give you a few ancillary verses even before we even get to our main text. Proverbs chapter 18, verse 21, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.” Now folks that is powerful. “Life and death are in the power of the tongue: and they that love life shall eat the fruit thereof.” That is, if you want a happy life, you are going to have the fruit of a good conversation to nourish that life.
And then again, to husbands and wives over in 1 Peter chapter 3 verse 10, “For he that will love life, and see good days.” Now who doesn’t want to see good days? For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile.”
Now sometimes it is hard for husbands and wives to communicate because men and women are different. They were sitting on the front porch on the swing. It was a wonderful night. They were in love and, there across the valley, through the vale, was the little country church with the yellow light streaming out through the window. And the choir was practicing and the strains of the choir practice were echoing through the valley. And she was beautiful; he was handsome. They were very much in love. Beneath the porch were the crickets chirping. He, thinking about fishing, was listening to the crickets. She, romantically, was listening to the music. And she said to him, “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever heard?” He said, “It is.” Said, “They tell me they make that noise by rubbing their hind legs together.” (Laughter) That is the difference between a man and woman. And sometimes we are not on the same page at all. (Laughter)
How do we communicate? Well, number one, there is the frivolous level. That’s where we talk about the weather, we are talking about sports, we are talking about clothes, maybe just nonsense. Somebody said people are frequently overheard saying nothing.
And then there is the factual level. We move it up a little bit different and we talk about facts without our personal involvement. And we talk about facts very much like people talk about the evening news. And that is the way we may talk to a person on a bus or standing on a corner somewhere.
And then there is the fellowship level. Where we go a little deeper, and we go beyond facts, and we begin to talk about ideas, and judgments, and philosophies, and so forth. Now, when we get to this level, (pages turning) we know that we are risking because we are putting our ideas out. The thing has become personal and we know we may be contradicted or we may be judged by what we say.
And then there is a deeper level. We go to the feeling level. We talk about how we feel about these facts, and these ideas, and philosophies, and judgments. And we kind of open up our heart and let somebody look into our heart.
And then there is the freedom level. That is the deepest level where we tell the other person everything. We don’t hold back anything; our hurts, our wounds, our dreads, our fears, our ideas, completely, openly. That is the word, intimate. It comes from the Latin word “intamus,” (sp.?) which means inward. Very few people ever get to that level, even husbands and wives.
And so I want to talk about conversation, and how to handle arguments, and how to achieve intimacy in marriage. And I think we can find it right here in what James said. Let’s look at the verse again. Verse 19, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
It may surprise you to learn that husbands and wives have conflicts in the best of marriages. Adrian, do you and Joyce ever have any conflicts? Is the Pope Catholic? (Laughter) We do. And they have never ever ceased. From the time we got married to this time, we have some wonderful, wonderful discussions. (Laughter)
Now, is it wrong to debate with your mate? Let me read what a wonderful man said, a marriage counselor and a Ph.D., Dr. Neal Clark Warren. Here is what he said, “I know a couple who fight like cats and dogs.” By the way, Joyce and I don’t fight like cats and dogs. “I know a couple who fight like cats and dogs but they are wildly in love with one another.” Joyce and I are wildly in love with one another. But now let, get back to what Dr. Warren said. “I know a couple who fight like cats and dogs but they are wildly in love with each other. What’s more, I think they have one of the healthiest marriages I know. Does that shock you?” This counselor says they fight like cats and dogs, yet they have one of the healthiest marriages I know. And he says, “Does that shock you? If it does, get ready for some bigger surprises. My thirty years as a psychologist have slowly taught me a difficult to believe fact. The amount of conflict in a marriage only determines the speed at which the marriage is moving toward greatness or toward disintegration. If you want to sit still in your marriage, rule out all conflict. If you want your marriage to crash and burn, let conflict rage but refuse to learn the skills necessary for managing it. Well, managed conflict is like a stairway that can lead you to higher and higher levels of marital greatness.”
Now, that is a statement from a man quoted in materials from Focus on the Family. And as I analyze that, what he is saying is, if you have conflict, the great issue is not whether or not you have conflict but how you handle that conflict. If you learn to handle that conflict wisely and in a healthy way, your marriage will grow. If you don’t, it will disintegrate.
Now James says three things in this passage of Scripture, and they are absolutely fundamental. He says be quick to listen, be slow to speak, and slow to wrath. Now let’s just look at those. How many husbands and wives are here tonight? Let me see your hands. All right, that is most of us, so I want you to listen. The rest of you have been married and perhaps you are widowed or divorced, others anticipating marriage. And so, let’s listen very carefully.
First of all, he says in this passage of Scripture, we are to be quick to listen. Why do you think God gave us two ears and only one mouth? When we listen well to our spouse; we are well on the road of good communication. As a matter of fact, Joyce and I, on the way over, began to talk about communication when she knew what I was going to speak on. I said, “Now be careful what you say, for anything you say may be used as a sermon illustration.” (Laughter) And Joyce said, “Well, you need to listen more.” And, and that is what James says. James says, “Be swift to hear.” When we listen, we encourage our mate to talk. And when we know that somebody is listening to us, really listening, it is a great encouragement. Now let the wise listen, the book of Proverbs says, and add to their understanding.
Now, if you don’t listen, if you refuse to listen, there is going to be a great barrier in your marriage. Why do we refuse to listen? A little three letter word, it is called e-g-o, ego. It is ego that keeps us from listening to the other person. That ego may show itself in defensiveness. We don’t want to hear what the other person has to say, and so we tune them out to keep from hearing. Or it may just be assumption. We think we know what they are going to say. We have heard it before. And so we just assume that we know the answer. And while they are speaking, we are already preparing a response. Joyce frequently chides me for finishing her sentences, getting out ahead, come to a sentence before she is finished. Like assuming, I know what she is going to say or what her response is supposed to be.
So let me give you some things I have learned through my study and painfully through life about how to listen. Number one, concentration, very hard for a man to do. Very hard for Adrian to do. Concentration. Listen with your eyes. Look at the other person who is speaking. And if you look with your eyes, number one, they are going to assume that you are listening. And number two; you are going to learn something about them if you listen, not with your ears only, but with your eyes. You watch their body language. Watch their facial expressions. Look into their eyes and look for anger, or look for joy, or look for confusion, or look for tears, or look for excitement. People communicate with more than words. When you give your full attention like that, and you concentrate, they feel that you are interested in them. And if you are interested in them, perhaps you love them. Lean forward, nod; make motions to say that you are listening. Let your face say, tell me more, tell me about this. That will encourage your spouse to listen. Don’t pretend to listen. One man said, “I am concerned about my wife. She goes around the house talking to herself all the time.” (Laughter) “Well, does she know she is doing it?” “No, she thinks I am listening to her.” (Laughter)
Don’t selectively listen. In the reading I did, said that twenty percent is all we really get. We tune in and then tune out, and we come back in to listen to what they are saying and then we tune back out. Listen with your eyes, listen with your ears, listen with your brain, listen with your heart, concentrate on your mate. Learn to listen by concentration. Let your mate say, “He/she has one hundred percent of my attention right now or they are giving me one hundred percent of their attention.
I also read that most marriages would be far better if the partner were given, listen to this, at least fifteen minutes of concentrated attention a day. Just fifteen minutes, we don’t even get that. First of all, concentration. Got it? Say concentration. (says concentration.) All right, so you are listening.
Now, next, not only concentration but consideration. A part of good listening is not only to hear but to consider what you have said to us, what has been said, to assess what the other person says, to think about it, to think about it, to turn it over. Assess their words; listen to their words. What did they really say? Are you hearing their words? But not only listen to the words; listen to the meaning of their words. Now, what I mean by that is what do you think they mean? Sometimes, they will say one thing and really mean another. Joyce will do that sometimes. She will say, “Don’t listen to what I say, listen to what I mean.” That is the reason you have to pray a lot when you listen. (Laughter) Sometimes words get twisted. Sometimes phrases don’t come out right. So don’t jump to conclusions. Once there was a dog named August who was always jumping to conclusions. One day he jumped to the conclusion of a mule. That was the last day of August. (Laughter)
Try to listen not only to words but to the meaning. And then also listen not only to words and meaning but feelings. How do they look? What are they feeling? The emotions have a lot to do with communication. And sometimes when a person is angry or hurt, they are going to say things they don’t really mean.
So there is concentration, consideration, and then clarification. You know if we were not human, we wouldn’t need to clarify things so often. But in any conversation, there is what we say and what we thought we said. And there is what we hear and we thought we heard. There is big gap in all of that. And so, we have to clarify it. Sometimes when Joyce and I are in a discussion, I will say; now tell me what you think I said. And she will say something completely different than I meant. Now whether the problem was in my mouth or her ear is academic. But we need to clarify what we have said so the other person really understands.
And sometimes we are to stop and say; can you repeat what you think I said so we can get it clear. Now what James says is we need to learn to listen. We need to tune in. I confess before you that I am a better talker than listener. We need to listen. But not only do we need to be swift to hear, we need to be slow to speak. That is what James says. Now our mouths are going to get us in trouble if we are not careful.
Let me give you some more Proverbs before we come back to James. Proverbs 10 verse 19, “In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.” That is a good one to put on the refrigerator. Let me read it again. “In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin.” That is, if you keep talking long enough you are going, you are going to make a big mistake if, if you just let your words run on. “But he that refraineth his lips is wise.” Here is another one, Proverbs 17 verse 27, “He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.” Here is another one, Proverbs 21:23, “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue, keepeth his soul from troubles.” Great stuff here. (Pastor chuckles) Ecclesiastes 5 and verse 3, “For a dream cometh through the multitude of business; and a fool’s voice is known by the multitude of words.” A fool’s voice. Somebody said that speech is silver; silence is golden. The old rabbis used to say that we have two ears given to us and one tongue. Our ears are open and exposed, our tongue is walled and behind our teeth. And they drew this conclusion, that we ought to listen twice as much as speak.
Now, let me tell you some mistakes that we make in our speech. And these are roles that we play. We assume that we are to play these roles sometimes and these are communication killers. And see if you find yourself or your mate playing one of these roles. Sometimes people play the judge. And by the way, I want to use 1 Corinthians 13 as an example of love and compare it to what we do that is antithetical to love. For example, the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is kind. But sometimes we want to play jury, judge, and executioner. If you are the one in an argument who lays out the blame and then condemns the other person. We as, as a judge we assume false and wrong. We use words like, and if you do these, these are great communication killers, to say “you always.” Have you ever started a sentence that, with your mate that way? “You always,” or “you never.” It would be far better for you to say, “I feel,” or “I need,” or “it seems to me.” Have you ever said, “I told you so?” “You are just like your father.” “You are just like your mother.” “You are always in a bad mood.” “You just don’t think.” “It is your fault.” “What’s wrong with you?” “All you ever do is complain.” “I can’t do anything to please you.” “You are getting what you deserve.” “Why don’t you ever listen to me?” “Why can’t you be more responsible?” “What were you thinking?” “You are impossible.” “I don’t know why I put up with you.” “If you don’t like it, you can just leave.” “That was stupid.” “All you ever do is think of yourself.” “You are such a baby.” “You deserve a dose of your own medicine.” “ Do you always have to be right?” Those are phrases that the judge will use. Don’t do it.
Now maybe you won’t play the judge, maybe you will play the professor. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13 “that love vaunteth not itself.” The professor acts superior. The professor talks down to the other person and his conversation is filled with constant put downs. “That is stupid.” “If you had an ounce of brains, you would know that that is stupid.” “You couldn’t understand if I told you, you are a woman.” (Laughter) Well, listen. You know what women do? They don’t even put it in a sentence. They have just got one word, men. (Laughter and applause) Every woman knows what that means. (Continued laughter) One word, men. Putting the other person down. One man said to his wife, “How could you be so dumb and so beautiful at the same time?” She said, “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.” (Laughter) When you play the professor, and you put somebody else down, you are attacking their self worth. And I can give it to you almost totally with full assurance, that when you attack somebody else’s self worth, you are headed for trouble, you are headed for an argument.
Now, maybe you don’t play the judge, maybe you don’t play the professor. Maybe you play the psychologist. And the Bible says love is not puffed up. The psychologist is always figuring out why the other person does what do. They analyze the other individual. Let me tell you why you said what you said. Let me tell you why you did that. Do you know why you think that way? And we try to get into the other person’s heart and analyze their motives and their thoughts when the Bible clearly forbids it and tells us not to judge one another. Only God can do that. Don’t be the psychologist with your wife or with your husband.
Or maybe we play the historian. The Bible says love thinketh no evil. That means that it doesn’t keep score. Sometimes you will be in the middle of a real diver, a real discussion and as a diversionary smoke screen, the person you are talking with will leave that subject and go back to something that happened yesterday, or last month, or ten years ago, or fifteen years ago. One man said, “My wife gets historical.” He said, “You mean hysterical?” He said, “No, historical.” (Laughter) She goes back and digs up all of these other things and it becomes a rerun of old arguments. Don’t do that. Close the door on yesterday. There is so much bad stuff in yesterday folks, don’t go back and dig it up. Don’t play the historian.
I will tell you what else some people do. We’re talking about how to learn to speak. Don’t play the dictator. There are a lot of bullies around. The Bible says love seeketh not her own. A person who wants to show force in his communication is a poor communicator. Have you ever heard a person say, “I will not allow this?” Oh, yeah. “I demand that you do this or that.” “If you do that one more time, you are going to be sorry.” “Try that once more and see what happens.” And you begin to demand and coerce. Someone has said, “The honeymoon is that period of time between I do and you’d better. (Laughter) Playing the dictator.
How do we coerce other people in communication? There may be physical force. There may be, if you are a man, laying your hand on your wife’s shoulders and pinning her to the wall. Or taking her by the arm and squeezing her arm. If you do that, you are a bully and a coward. You ought to be tied to a wagon wheel and whipped. Don’t ever lay a physical hand on your wife. (Applause)
Then there is the wife who plays the neurotic invalid, always moaning and groaning and looking for sympathy. I am not talking about a true invalid. I am not talking about a person who has true physical disabilities. There are those who play dictator by withholding money. Some of you men have the idea that it is your money because you bring home the paycheck. I wouldn’t trade places with my wife for the work she does for the work I do. It is our money, not your money, not her money. Sometimes, sex and affection is withheld. Sometimes we dictate by sulking and pouting. A dictator is a cruel person. And a person who is dictatorial is going to frustrate his or her mate. What the dictator says is “I can do a better job with your life that you can and when I want your opinion, I will give it to you.” Don’t be the dictator.
And don’t play the critic. Love does not behave itself unseemly. Never compare your mate to any other individual. Never say, “Why aren’t you like thus and such a person?” “Why aren’t you like John?” “Why aren’t you like Mary?” “Or why are you just like your father, just like your brother, just like your mother?” And above all, never criticize your mate for something your mate has no control over. I mean don’t control them about, don’t criticize them about parents, or their upbringing, or physical traits, things they cannot control.
And don’t play the preacher. Don’t go home and preach this message to your mate. Love rejoiceth not in iniquity. Never use the Bible as a club to beat your husband or your wife over the head with. Never appear holier than thou. Ruth Graham said concerning their marriage, “It is your job to love your husband; it is God’s job to make him good.” Don’t be the critic. Now, be swift to hear, be slow to speak, and then last of all, be slow to wrath.
I read this in the amplified version and this is the way it gives it. “Be slow to take offense and to get angry.” “Slow to take offense and to get angry.” Now there is such a thing and righteous anger. He doesn’t say don’t get angry, he says be slow to wrath. What is righteous anger? The Bible says Jesus was moved with anger. Be angry for the right reason. What made Jesus angry? It was the hard hearts of human beings in the face of human hurts. Be angry for the right reasons. Be angry at the right things. You may be angry at the wrong done without being angry at the wrong doer. We should hate sin and not the sinners. Jesus hated sin but He was a friend of sinners.
And then be angry in the right way. Your anger ought to make you a part of the solution. The wrath of man works not the righteousness of God. Righteous anger moves us to righteous action. An uncontrolled temper is a terrible thing. One of the ways that I know the grace of God is in my life is that God is helping me to control what was an ungovernable temper, even as a boy before I got saved. What does a bad temper show about you? Some people are proud of their quick temper. I will tell you what the Bible says about temper, when a person is not slow to wrath. Let me give you some Scripture, Ecclesiastes 7:9, “Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” I didn’t call you a fool, God did, if you are one of these people who fly off the handle. Listen to it. “Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools.” It shows a foolish mind. It shows a weak character. Proverbs 16 verse 32, “He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.” Anger opens the door to all other kinds of sins. Proverbs 29 verse 22, “An angry man stirreth up strife, and a furious man aboundeth in transgression.” Anger is like a stone thrown in a hornet’s nest. This kind of anger will destroy your testimony before your children, before your wife, and in the neighborhood.
Well, how are you going to handle this kind of anger? When James says be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, slow to wrath. How do you handle it? Well, husbands and wives listen to your pastor. You don’t handle anger by avoidance and by running away. Remember what we said in the introduction to this message, what the marriage counselor, and the psychologist said? We need to learn how to deal with conflicts.
Has this ever happened in your home? You said to your wife, “What is wrong with you?” She says, “Nothing.” Now you are in big trouble. “Nothing.” Now friend, nothing is further from the truth than that when she says, “nothing.” It means everything is wrong when she says nothing is wrong. No, sometimes people have the idea if I just retreat and back away, it will go away. Sometimes we don’t want to confront our mate because of what we are going to learn about ourselves. But you cannot practice avoidance. It is not going to go away. You drive it down deeper into the subconscious, and if nothing else, your stomach is going to keep the score. You kick it out the front door and it will run around the house and come in the basement window. And show up as an ulcer. Or show up as the inability to sleep, or digest, or a pain in the neck, or whatever.
Don’t avoid it, not avoidance, and not appeasement. I believe I see more appeasement with Godly women, and I am sorry that I do. Appeasement is giving in, letting the other person always have his way, letting the other mate run over you and dominate. Sometimes we men appease. Joyce and I want to have a vacation. I want to go to the seashore; she wants to go to the mountains. And so we compromise and go to the mountains. (Laughter) One man said, “I lied on my tax returns; I signed the thing as the head of the house.” (Laughter) When you appease, what you do is to internalize. If he gets violent and you get silent, then it is going to go down. And like rags, it is going to smolder, like rags, oily rags in a closet. And then somebody, one day somebody is going to open the door and it is all just going to burst into flames. And you are going to say, “What went wrong?” Somebody who has been constantly appeasing until finally they can take no more. Not avoidance, not appeasement. Compromise, yes, appeasement no.
Now, let’s see another thing that you do. You don’t, you don’t run away; you don’t appease; and you don’t practice aggression. When you get angry, don’t flare up. Speak the truth but speak the truth in love and sarcasm is never in order. If sarcasm were a spiritual gift, I would have the gift of sarcasm. I mean I, I can think of a lot of things to say that I ought not to say. You see, we need to learn to attack the problem and not one another. There are no problems to big to solve, just people to small to solve them. And so, don’t practice aggression.
Let me tell you how, how to handle this thing. Number one, if you are having a genuine conflict, choose the right time to talk about it. And don’t talk about it just before mealtime when your blood sugar is down. In the reading that I did preparing for this message, I found out that ninety percent of arguments, according to counselors, take place just before meals. It is interesting, ninety percent. Or secondarily, on the way to a social event. Did you and your wife, don’t lift your hand, ever get into an argument on the way to a party? On the way to a social event. Make sure that you have the right time. Make sure that you have the right tone. The Bible says that a soft answer turns away wrath. Again, one of my problems, you need to know what you have got for a pastor. I have to watch that I don’t use, I have just a big voice anyway. Sometimes I can sound gruff when I am not really gruff. Somebody said keep your words warm and soft, you might have to eat them. The right time, the right tone, and this is very important, the right turf. What I mean by that is, don’t ever assassinate, or correct your mate in public. You know why we do this sometimes? Because we are afraid to do it in private. So we wait until there are a lot of people around so they can’t really retaliate or we can get some people on our side, we hope. Really, that is a cheap shot when you do that. Don’t do that.
Now here is some things you can do. I am almost finished now. We are talking now about being slow to wrath. We said not appeasement, not avoidance, not aggression, what do you do? The right time, the right tone, the right turf, and here is what you do. Number one, learn to accommodate. Say to yourself, “I will change.” Accommodate your mate. For example, if you don’t have enough time together, learn to do what he wants to do. Or learn to do what she wants to do. Learn to do some things together. Why not learn her sport? Why not learn his hobby? Practice accommodation. Practice acceptance. Accept the fact that there are some things about your mate that are not going to change. A wise person said, “Getting married is like buying an old fashioned phonograph record. You buy it because you want what is on one side and you just accept what comes on the other side.”
People are different. And they may change. Love them, and they may change. But accept them if they never change. Never marry a person with the idea that you are going to change them. Joyce and I are so different it is incredible. On these personality charts, I am high on she is low on. Things I am low on, she is high on. And you put them on a graph and they make a perfect X. And yet we are desperately in love. We have a wonderfully happy marriage. I would put our marriage up against any marriage in the world, but we are so different.
The Rogers family was so different than the Gentry (sp.?) family. She was a Gentry. And in my family, when you sat around the dinner the table, I mean it was zinging back and forth with a quip, and a repartee, and a story, and always it was back and forth like this around the dinner table. That was just normal.
In the Gentry family, they never did that. Everything was a kind, sweet remark. (Laughter) And, if anybody were going to tell a joke, they would lead up this way, “I have a joke I want to tell.” (Laughter) Who ever tells a joke that way? (Laughter) Just so different. Learn to accept.
All right. Now look. Practice accommodation and then practice a judgment, adjustment. You can both change. I like to stay up late. Joyce likes to get up early. Every morning for me is a resurrection. (Laughter) Now, I have to get up. Don’t get the idea that I just lie around the bed, I don’t. Don’t say the preacher sleeps all day. I don’t. But I tell you it is job to get the bed off my back. (Laughter). Joyce is up, “La, la, la, la, la, la.” I go in the bathroom and have to put my knee on the toothpaste to squeeze it. (Laughter) Just a difference. God made us different that He might make us one. We need to learn to adjust. And rather having a war where both parties lose, have a compromise where both gain. Now I didn’t say appeasement, I said compromise. Sometimes we watch football but not all of the time. Sometimes we go to bed early, sometimes we get to stay up late. Sometimes we eat Mexican but not always. (Laughter) Learn to live together as heirs of the grace of life. Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. Deeply spiritual, intensely practical.
Bow your heads in prayer. Heads are bowed and eyes are closed. “Lord, I just pray that You will help us as husband and wife to listen to one another, to listen with our hearts and our minds and our eyes as well as our ears. Lord, let the law of kindness be in our mouths. Help us Lord not to be judgmental, and to put other people down, or to criticize, or to assign blame. And Lord help us to control our tempers and Lord to keep our spirits in subjection to your Holy Spirit. In the strong name of Jesus. Amen.
