Truth Series #3
MARITAL LIES
Eph. 4:31-32
CHCC – July 10, 2011
INTRODUCTION:
Marital wisdom from 8 – 10 year old kids:
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
• On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
• No person decides who they’re going to marry until they grow up. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
• You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
• It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
• Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Today we’re going to talk about some of the marriage lies that we tend to believe. One of the most common ones is:
1. Marriage is supposed to make me happy …
This LIE has some truth mixed in it … because a good marriage DOES bring happiness. There’s nothing better than a happy marriage …
• it gives companionship, comfort, and fun …
• it provides a healthy environment for raising children …
• it brings blessings to the couple and everyone around them.
Statistics consistently show that people in a stable marriage gain all kinds of benefits from marriage.
But the ironic thing is that if you make personal happiness your GOAL, then your marriage probably can’t thrive. Here’s why: Marriage could be defined as: “two sinful people pledging to live together, with all their faults, for the rest of their lives.”
How can this work? The answer is: only by the grace of God. And that’s the point. A happy, lasting marriage requires that we live in connection with Jesus Christ … exhibiting grace, forgiveness, endurance, and radical unselfishness.
Before I go any further, I want to give some ground rules for listening to this sermon. Marriage is a painful topic for a lot of people. Probably everyone here has been affected in some way by divorce. --- Whether it was in your own past, or your parents or your friends and family members. When it comes to marriage, there are all kinds of difficult situations.
When it comes to the topic of marriage it’s easy to fall into the trap of either condemning yourself for failure, or of condemning other people for their failures. These are examples of the LIES we talked about during the last 2 weeks. Don’t listen to Satan’s lies while you’re listening to this sermon!
No matter what is in your past, remember the TRUTH of Romans 8:1 - There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Replace Satan’s lies with the TRUTH of Philippians 3:13-14 Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Apply what you hear today to your PRESENT circumstance … think about how you can glorify God in your life and family … starting today.
I read a book a while back called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. He started the book by saying, “I think most of us who have been married for any substantial length of time realize that the romantic roller-coaster of romance eventually evens out to the terrain of a Midwest interstate --- long flat stretches with an occasional overpass. When this happens, couples respond in different ways. Many will break up their relationship and try to recreate the passionate romance with someone else. Other couples will descend into a sort of marital gorilla warfare, a passive-aggressive power play as each partner blames the other for personal dissatisfaction or lack of excitement.” (p. 16)
The LIE that Marriage is supposed to make me happy is usually based on a shallow ideal of romantic love. But the problem is, Romantic love has no elasticity – if you stretch it, it simply shatters.
In C.S. Lewis’ book, Screwtape Letters, he has a section where demons discuss how easy it is to destroy human marriages because humans believe that marriage is based on feelings of romantic love. Screwtape says, These humans “regard the intention of loyalty to a partnership for mutual help, for the preservation of chastity, for the transmission of life, as something lower than a storm of emotion.”
Unfortunately many people go into marriage expecting an extended adolescence full of non-stop excitement and passion. Very few people think of marriage as a truly sacred relationship.
A lot of people are like the girl who sent a picture of herself to her fiancé with this inscription: “My dearest Tom, I love you with all my heart… I love you more & more each day… I will love you forever & ever… I am yours for all eternity…” It was signed “Diane,” and it contained a P.S.: “If we ever break up, I want this picture back…”
In America today, about 50% of marriages end in divorce … and in most divorces, at least one spouse breaks their vows in a quest for happiness. They’ve bought the lie that Marriage is supposed to make me happy. When that fails to happen, they try to find happiness elsewhere. But the truth is that very few find happiness at the end of the divorce rainbow.
Dr. Lana Staneli, author of a book on marital triangles reported these telling statistics:
• Of those who break up their marriage to marry someone else, only about 10% actually marry that person.
• Of the ones who do remarry, only 30% stay married ...
• and only half of those describe their marriage as happy.
(If you do the math, I think you’ll find that having an affair gives you about a 2 ½ % chance for living “happily ever after” And those statistics only consider the happiness of the unfaithful spouse … they don’t even address the pain that divorce brings to the children of that marriage.
There is a better way! It is the Biblical Way – the pattern for marriage prescribed by the Creator of Marriage. Ephesians 5:32-33 says this about marriage: This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
In God’s plan, marriage is a picture of the relationship we have with Jesus Christ. Marriage is the only human relationship that is a mutually CHOSEN, life-time commitment that is based on LOVE. It is the only legal contract where the vows are, not just to fulfill obligations, but to love and cherish each other and to be faithful to each other. It is the most intimate human relationship … the only one where the Bible says, “The two become one.”
This is the point of Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage that I quoted earlier. He says that the point of marriage is “not to make me happy, but to make me holy.” Marriage gives us the opportunity to love our spouse the way Jesus loves us … to live out unselfish, sacrificial love in our everyday lives.
• Do you want a “Happy marriage?” Then start by replacing the LIE: Marriage is supposed to make me happy …
• With the truth: Marriage is supposed to make me holy …
Another lie that causes all kinds of trouble is this one:
2. My spouse should be like me …
Jesus made a simple statement with deep meaning in Matthew 19:4 when he said “Haven’t you read, that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female?” That may seem self-evident, doesn’t it? Well, you’d think so, but people often try to deny the obvious. A lot of misunderstanding in marriage could be avoided by catching on to the simple fact that the Creator ‘made them male and female. Maybe you can identify with one of these cartoons:
Sometimes it seems like we need an interpreter to help us communicate. I ran across this explanation that might help:
When she says:
• “It’s your decision.” She really means, “The correct decision should be obvious by now.”
• “Do what you want.” She really means, “You’ll pay for this later.”
• “I’ll be ready in a minute. She really means, “Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.”
• “Nothing. She really means, “Everything
When he says:
• "I’m hungry.” He really means, "I’m hungry.”
• "I’m sleepy.” He really means, "I’m sleepy.”
• (While shopping) "I like that one better.” He really means, "Just pick one, and let’s go home!”
• "What’s wrong?” He really means, "I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal about this.”
Dr. James Dobson said it this way: God made men and women differently. We need to realize that there are honest differences, and recognize that not all problems will be resolved. Someone once said, "Reconciliation means burying the hatchet, not burying the issue." It is possible to disagree agreeably. We can walk hand in hand without necessarily having to see eye to eye.
• If you ever believed the lie: My spouse should be like me …
• Replace it with this truth: We can walk hand in hand even when we don’t see eye to eye.
The next lie has ruined many marriages:
3. If our marriage takes hard work, then we must not be right for each other …
Have you ever heard this truism? If love is a dream, then marriage is the alarm clock!
Don’t be like the man who looked up from his hospital bed and said to his wife, “You’ve always been with me when I have had trouble. When I lost my shirt in a poor investment, you were there. When I had the car accident, you were with me. When I got fired, you were there. I realized that in all these misfortunes, you were there. Now I believe what all my friends kept telling me --- you’re nothing but bad luck!”
The truth is that marriage takes hard work because life itself takes hard work. The problem comes when we blame each other instead of supporting each other in the hard times of life. When hard times hit, we need to learn how to pull together instead of pulling apart.
When Jesus was asked about divorce, he answered, “Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of your hearts. But it was not this way from the beginning.” The opposite of hard-hearted is tenderhearted!
That’s why it’s so essential for us to live out the message in Ephesians 4: Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Being tenderhearted is hard work. It requires continual, habitual, non-stop, grace-filled, Holy-Spirit inspired FORGIVENESS.
Recently, a Survey was made of 200 married adults in regards to forgiveness. The researchers were wondering how the ability to forgive would affect marital satisfaction and personal well-being. The results were astounding! This research suggests that there is a huge relationship between marriage satisfaction and forgiveness. In fact, it appears that as much as one third of marriage satisfaction is related to forgiveness.
The study concluded, “Not only does the ability to forgive impact the marriage relationship, it was significantly related to personal emotional distress. As forgiveness ability went up, individuals reported fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety, and fatigue!” Peter J. Larson, New Forgiveness Research Jan 27, 2003
The good news is that God will help us forgive each other. The Holy Spirit can keep our hearts tender. Jesus, the great physician, can heal our marriages.
• If you have fallen for the lie: If our marriage takes hard work, then we must not be right for each other …
• Replace it with the determination: I will keep my vows and ask God to heal my marriage.
CONCLUSION:
A former Pastor in Seattle, WA wrote this powerful statement about marriage…
I'M STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE
I am standing for the healing of my marriage!
I won’t give up, give in, give out, or give over till that healing takes place.
I made a vow; I said the words; I gave the pledge; I gave a ring; I took a ring; I gave myself; I trusted God; and said the words and meant the words…in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad; so I’m standing now, and won’t sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down, or be down till the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances; or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what’s trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous.
Nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing.
Nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s Word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what god hates, namely divorce.
In a world of filth, I will stay pure.
Surrounded by lies, I will speak the truth.
Where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God.
Where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse, and when the odds are stacked against me, I’ll trust in God’s faithfulness.
I’m a stander, and I won’t acquiesce, compromise, quarrel, or quit.
I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor the economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up till my marriage is healed up. AMEN!”
