Have you noticed that, as much as couples seem to ’get along’, they also spend just as much time ’not’ getting along? Statistics show that in the late 1800’s, only one out of every 34 marriages ended in divorce. By the mid 1900’s, one out of every 7 marriages ended in divorce, and through 2010, statistics show that one out of every two marriages now end in divorce.
Why is that? Have we lost our ability to love over the years? Maybe we have lost our ability to see people as they really are. Or, maybe we have just become so concerned with our being comfortable that we are unwilling to expend the work necessary to have good marriages.
I know a man who says the best way to really know a woman is to go shopping with her. And I also know a woman who said it took Moses 40 years to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land, but if a woman had been leading them, they could have made it in two weeks. And thus, the battle continues.
Marriage is the very foundation and bedrock of our society, yet we see it dissolving before our very eyes. When these foundations, which God formed in righteousness, are weakened by our attempts to change them to fit our desires, it will create a much different foundation; a foundation founded upon unrighteousness.
A husband and wife were sitting in the living room after a hard day’s work. She was reading a magazine and he was reading the newspaper. He read an article that quoted researches who said women talk twice as much as men do. She said that was because women had to repeat everything twice. He lowered the newspaper and said, “Did you say something?”
There seems to be more and more people confiding in me that their marriages are having problems, and most times the one confiding says it is the other person’s fault. That reminds me of the story where a well-to-do gentleman met a very beautiful woman and began dating her. After several months, he decided to marry her, but hired a detective first to investigate her past. Several weeks later, the detective gave this report: “The lady seems to be beyond reproach. Her past is spotless and her reputation is pure. The only thing negative about her is that in the last few months, she has been seen in the company of a man who does not have a good reputation.”
We always tend to blame others while overlooking our own faults, don’t we? The first thing we instinctively do is see a problem come into our relationships and see it as something our spouse caused. I think we need to remember what my father used to tell us kids: “Anytime you point a finger of blame at someone else, you must remember that there are three other fingers pointing right back at you.”
To have happier marriages, we must understand what marriage is. And the first thing I would tell you is that marriage is not a human-instigated concept, but a union that was created and ordained by God Himself.
1. HAVING A “DESIRE” ISN’T ALWAYS A GOOD THING
In GENESIS 3:24, we read how God created the marriage relationship.
“A man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.”
As far as why God created this union, we need to read verse 18.
“God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is like him.’”
It seems that nobody has a problem with the fact that God made man and then He made woman, and then He made marriage. What many seem to have a problem with is figuring out who is in charge. And to understand who is “in charge”, we need to know what they did and what God told them afterward.
In chapter 3, we read about the serpent talking Eve into eating the forbidden fruit, we see where she encouraged Adam to join her. The next thing we see is Adam also showing total disregard for what God had told them and he accepted the fruit. This is where man fell from grace because he was only focused on what he wanted, not on what God wanted for him. He became disobedient, and then he found out what consequences were.
When God found out what they had done, He gave them each a curse.
Staying in chapter 3, reading verse 16, God told Eve,
“… You will bear children in anguish, and your desire will be for your husband, but he will dominate you.”
God is not telling the woman that she will love and want her husband, but that her desire will be to rule over him; to be his boss; but her husband will actually dominate her instead. The Hebrew word for “desire” is “tesuqah” which the Brown, Driver, and Briggs lexicon calls "unusual and striking".” It only occurs three times in the Old Testament. It can carry the sense of deep longing, or it can show the desire to overcome or defeat an enemy. This latter meaning best fits the meaning in verse 16.
The husband-wife hierarchal relationship is best summed up in:
1 CORINTHIANS 11:3 where the Apostle Paul said,
“Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”
And in verse 17, we see what God told Adam.
“Then to Adam He said, ‘Because you have listened to the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree I told you not to eat from, cursed will be the ground you will work from. In toil you shall eat of it all the days of your life.’”
And because Adam listened to his wife instead of God, Adam was exiled from the Garden of Eden and made to work land that would give him very little back for all the hard work he would have to put into it.
To answer the question of most married couples, biblically speaking, the husband is the leader of the marriage. God didn’t qualify that by saying “if” the woman agreed, or “if” she would allow it. He said the man would dominate the woman. The man is the leader of the household. But we know that God still loves both the husband and wife, and He is always faithful to be fair to both of them.
Because man will always change everything, including the word of God, to make it fit his comfort level, God has also given us –
2. WHAT ABOUT ’LOVE’ AND ’RESPECT?’
The wisdom and depth of God’s love for us is beyond our ability to understand, but it is clear that marriage and family are prominent in God’s plan for us. Any changes to that structure are a direct affront to God. Marriage is of divine origin, and any changes in it are nothing less than man’s rebellion against our Creator.
I have seen many men who believe that since the man is the head-of-household, or the spiritual leader, he is automatically “the boss” in the marriage. Let me say this very emphatically: There is only one “boss” in a marriage and it is Jesus Christ; not the man nor the woman. Since we are Christians, we are called to love one another in Christ’s name, and that includes our spouses.
We read in EPHESIANS 5:22-24;
“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
This is a tall order for the wife, isn’t it? I believe the key words here are; ‘as to the Lord.’ Certainly, the Lord does not want to have our relationship with him be like our relationship might be with our employer. He wants us to love Him and have a yearning to please Him. That is the kind of relationship the Lord also wants between the husband and the wife.
In verses 24-28, we find instructions for the husband.
“2Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and even gave Himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle in any such thing, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
Now it is very important to also read verse 33.
“To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.”
This passage in EPHESIANS is among the best as far as letting each spouse know how they are expected to feel towards one another. As humans, we know there will be times of great difficulty and even times of arguments between the two. But we must again refer back to what is tells us in verse 33: the husband is called to ’love’ his wife, but the wife is only called to ’respect’ her husband.
Men, if you really love your wife, you will show it to her at all times, even when your carnal nature wants to say something to get back at something she might have said to you.
And wives, you must always respect your husband to the degree that when push comes to shove, you will fully support any decision he has made, even if you really don’t want to. If you take love away from a wife, she will crumble into sin. It will all but destroy her emotional state. Likewise, if you take respect away from a man, the same thing will happen to him. If you love her, she will respect you, and if you respect him, he will love you all the more.
There was a woman who went shopping one time, and as she opened her purse to pay for what she had bought, the sales clerk noticed a TV remote in her purse. She asked the lady if she had forgotten to leave it at home, and the lady said that she and her husband had an argument and that was the most evil thing she could think of to do to him. Ladies, even when you are mad, don’t do things like this because it will only serve to escalate things when you get home.
And, husbands, don’t be like the man whose wife asked him what was on TV and he replied by saying, “Dust.” Show your wife the same level of admiration you showed her when you were trying to get her to date you.
3. WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER THINGS IN A MARRIAGE?
The biblical concept of sex in marriage is much different than the concept most people have today. Let’s read 1 CORINTHIANS 7:3-5.
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
How often should a married couple have sex? The answer is: Every time either one wants to. And just as we do not have total authority over our own bodies, a married person does not have total authority over their own heart or mind. I cannot stress this loudly or often enough - do not EVER hold your body or your heart away from your spouse just because you might be upset with them. By doing so, you are committing a sin against them and against the Lord.
In every single way, show your spouse how very important they are to you. Show them how much you need them to be happy. Let them know that when you look at them, your heart melts like hot butter. For instance, when walking through Walmart recently, I stopped my wife and told her that all I wanted to do was hold her close to me and tell her how very much she means to me. Now, common sense will dictate that there are some places where Godly decorum must be demonstrated, but do not let those words of new love depart from your marriage.
God may bless you with a spouse, but He expects you to constantly work at being happy with that spouse.
Anyone who has been married for more than a week knows there are times when both spouses will need some time away from each other. This is normal, and is not something either one should fear or mistrust the other over. When one needs a break from the other, or some breathing room away from the other, they should not rely on a night out with the friends, or a quick trip to the local bar.
We are to avoid places of temptation like the plague, because temptation starts with the eyes and quickly falls into the mind when we think about it, and then drops straight down into the heart where we act on it.
The pastor asked the young boy if he were entertaining sin and the boy replied, “No sir, but it sure is entertaining me!”
Stay away from places where temptation might lurk. Instead, go to the store or for a short drive. And always tell your spouse where you will be before you go, especially if you need some time alone during or following a disagreement! You should view your marriage, not only as a contract you entered into with your spouse, but a holy covenant you entered into with God Almighty. And you should do everything in your power to keep that covenant holy.
It has been said that if either one of you find yourself in even a flirtatious situation that you cannot totally stop, it is more important to quit your jobs and move away from the area than it is to let it continue and even take a chance on having it ruin your marriage.
Communicating is an all-important part of your marriage relationship, too. That is not just talking but listening as well. And when we listen, pay attention to the smallest of details. In a marriage seminar, the instructor asked one man if he knew what his wife’s favorite flower was. He said, “Pillsbury.” Listen to the other as if your life depended on it …. because with answers like that, it just might!
We certainly do not have time to have a full-fledged marriage relationship seminar here today, but I wanted to at least touch on some of the more important parts of being married. Pre-marital counselors report that 66% of those they counsel say that children are the most important thing to discuss before marriage, followed by finances, and then way down on the list is religion.
I disagree. I think your beliefs are the most important thing you could ever discuss before entering into a marriage. Everything else will pretty well find a way to fit if the two of you are believers in Jesus Christ.
In closing, let me ask you a question. What would you do if you were sitting in your recliner and happened to see a rat running down the hallway? I don’t think any of you would just ignore it and go back reading the paper or watching TV. I firmly believe that everyone in here would jump up in pure panic and haste to grab something you could use to kill the unwelcomed rat. That is just how much we value the sanctity of our homes.
Are you aware that if we are not focused on living a Godly life, Satan can send in his demonic influences into our homes? They are as despicable as those rats, and just as unhealthy. They can influence your children and wreck your marriages. That is why we are called to be ever-vigilant in our duties as protectors of ourselves and our homes.
We read about the tools we need to do this in EPHESIANS 6:10-20.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
"Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.”
If you are serious about having a good marriage, you will be more than willing to do the work necessary in having a good marriage. Not surprising, the tools you need to do that are the same tools you need to be a good Christian individual.
Stay in the Bible and make a habit of reading at least a chapter or more every single day. Pray for divine understanding of what the word of God means. Put on the armor of God, for it will keep the enemy’s arrows from penetrating your mind and heart. Lift your spouse in daily prayer for protection, love, and closeness with Jesus, and ask God every day to help you love him or her more than you did yesterday.
Value God. And value the blessing He has bestowed upon you: Your marriage with your spouse. I have advised many people to go home and turn off the phones, radios, TVs, etc. Send the kids over to Aunt Ethel’s for an hour. And then take two kitchen chairs, putting them facing one each other. And then you and your spouse sit in them, knees touching, and holding one another’s hands.
Look each other in the eyes and tell your spouse what it was about them that made you interested in them in the first place. Tell them how you couldn’t stop thinking about them and how much you yearned to be with them when you were apart. Do this every few months for the rest of your lives. Not as a habit or tradition, but as a way to express the love you have in your heart for them.
The natural order of things will carry you away from one another, not bring you together. But you can make it with His help. Don’t give up. Don’t throw in the towel.
Marriage may be made in heaven, but it takes some down to earth maintenance to keep it working properly. Every couple in the sound of my voice can do that if they so choose. But first, they must decide if they really want a good marriage. And there is only one reason a marriage will fail. That is if one, or both, spouses quit and give up.
Your marriage relationship does not so much depend upon how you might feel about your spouse on any given day, but how much you are committed to them. You have given your word to be devoted without wavering. Now, you have to decide whether you have the integrity to stand by your word. Are you true to your word or do you flip-flop on your word depending on what’s happening from moment to moment?
Please join me in prayer that the Lord will help us be fighters; not against one another, but against Satan and his attempts to break us apart.
INVITATION
