A LOVE AFFAIR WITH THE FAMILY
A Love Affair – 3
Ephesians 6:1-4
INTRODUCTION:
This morning we will be concluding our series title “A Love Affair.” So far we have looked at having a love affair with the Father, with the Faithful and today we will look at having a love affair with the Family. In our last series we took a look at the issue of marriage in the creation of Eve as a wife for Adam and so I want to look at the relationship between parents and children this morning. So today we will be studying what Paul wrote about this subject in Ephesians 6.
This is a very important passage because it seems that there is a great disconnect between the generations. There seems to be a break down in the faith, in the morals and in the values of each succeeding generation. Children seem to have a general lack of respect for their parents. They no longer value their parents’ counsel, values, work ethic and so forth. And the breakdown is not just on the part of children. In fact, the breakdown that we see in the younger generations is probably largely to be attributed to the preceding generations’ failures. We often hear about problem children, but the greater trouble may actually be all the problem parents.
But rather than wasting our time trying to assign blame this morning it would be far more construction for us to simply get into God’s word and discover what our responsibilities are in all of this and to begin to step up to the plate and do our part. Children and parents both need to learn to walk together under the authority of God’s word.
First, let’s look at what Paul has to say to the children.
I. THE COMMANDMENT FOR CHILDREN.
There are two parts to the commandment that Paul gives to children in this passage. The first is…
1) Give Heed To Your Parents.
Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
The word “obey” (hupakouo) means to submit to, to comply with, to heed, to follow directions or guidance. The bottom line is that children have a responsibility before God to do what their parents tell them to do.
a. The Responsibility of Obedience.
Paul adds the qualifying phrase “in the Lord” to describe children’s responsibility to obedience. Children are responsible for following their parents’ instructions so long as the parent is acting in the Lord. Therefore, they do not have the responsibility for being obedient to instructions or commands from parents that go against the instructions and commands of the Lord. In other words, children should obey their parents as long as to do so doesn’t go against the Lord. For example, if a parent is abusing a child, then that child is not obligated to submit to such abuse, but is justified in telling a trusted adult or teacher about the abuse.
In fact, one of the most serve warnings ever issued was given by our Lord to those who engage in the abuse of children. Mark 9:42, “If anyone causes one of these little ones – those who believe in me – to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.” Jesus spoke those words shortly after he had taken a small child in his arms. While those words may not have been directly pointed towards physical or sexual abuse they are certainly appropriate. One of the things that God will not tolerate is the abuse of children
Another example would be if a parent were to tell a child to lie or to cheat or to steal something, then the child would be justified in disobeying their parent in order to obey God. When a parent is not acting in the Lord, they are not to be obeyed.
However, beyond these kinds of exceptions parent’s are to be obeyed in all things. Even if your parents aren’t Christians and aren’t living for the Lord, as long as their instructions don’t violate God’s word they are to be obeyed.
b. The Reason for Obedience.
Paul says that the reason we are supposed to obey our parents is because “this is right”. I think that it is interesting to note that according to Scripture the reason it is right to obey your parents is not because it pleases your parents, but because it pleases the Lord.
Colossians 3:20, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” We don’t obey our parents because this makes them happy, although it certainly does have this effect. Rather our primary motivation to obey our parents should come from our love for the Lord and our desire to please him. Of course we love our parents and we desire to please them and receive their approval. But we must first and foremost desire the approval of God or else we will get so far off track that we will end up pleasing neither. But when we are living for the love of the Lord obedience to our parents will be the natural result.
In his “Devotional Studies on Galatians and Ephesians” Lehman Strauss makes the point that the law of obedience is the first law of the universe. In other words, the law of obedience regulates everything in the whole world including the stars, the planets and even the seasons. All of these things are governed by set laws to which they must be obedient. If they weren’t, chaos would ensue.
This same principle that is true in the physical realm is also true in the realm of our relationships. There must be order and structure. Their must be a hierarchy and that hierarchy must be obeyed or else anarchy will reign and society will be ruined. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that God would require us to obey our parents.
The second part of the commandment to children is to…
2) Give Honor To Your Parents.
Ephesians 6:2, “‘Honor your father and mother’ – which is the first commandment with a promise –”
The word “honor” (timao) means to esteem and value as precious, to show respect, reverence, kindness and courtesy. It is important to note that the Scripture is not speaking to children of any particular age here, but is rather speaking to all of us who still have living parents no matter how old we may be ourselves. When you grow up and move out on your own you are no longer bound to live in obedience to your parents, but you will never outgrow the command to honor and respect your parents and that is a value that Western culture has flushed down the toilet.
Younger children dishonor their parents by disobeying them, by talking back to them, by ignoring them, by calling them names or making fun of them. And when it comes to grown children they disrespect their parents by neglecting them, by putting them away in an old age home and forgetting about them, by not giving them credit for all they have done to raise you and provide for you, and by not adequately providing for their needs.
Scripture speaks very clearly to the issue of caring for aging parents. 1 Timothy 5:4, “…children…should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.” Leviticus 19:32, “Stand up in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.” First, your parents cared for you when you were unable to take care of yourself and then when age has turned the tables it is your turn to take care of them and by doing so you honor them.
Take note of the promises that are given to you, if you will honor your parents.
Ephesians 6:3, “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Two weeks ago we saw this same promise in connection with living in obedience to God’s commands. So it should be no surprise to find it connected to this command as well.
a. Improve the Quality of Your Life.
Things will go well for those who honor their parents. Does this means that if you honor your parents that you will never have any problems and that life will always go smoothly? Well, if that’s what it means, then I sure must have dishonored my parents badly! No. I think it means that as we go through life we will always have God’s blessing with us. That means that we will always have God with us to strengthen us and to take care of us so that we can get through the trial and tribulations that come our way. But I also believe that as a general rule those who live right – those who honor their parents and obey the Lord – will have fewer problems and will find the power to manage the ones they do have. We all have problems because we live in a fallen world, but when we live in sin and disobey God’s rules – including the one to honor your parents – you only make more troubles for yourself. And that is the last thing that most of us need. So obeying the Lord and honoring your parents in particular will improve the quality of your life. It will improve the quality of your life far more than a new job or a raise ever would or could. And that is good news because we can’t all land a high paying job, but we all can honor our parents.
b. Increase the Quantity of Your Life.
The second part of the promise is that we will “enjoy long life.” We talked about this some two weeks ago so I don’t want to get into it too much this morning. Again, I think long life is probably best understood as being relative. What about the infant who gets ill and dies? Do we honestly think that happened because the infant somehow dishonored his or her parents? All we can say about someone who dies “before their time” is that we must trust that God knows what is best and that in his sovereignty he saw fit to take them home. Beyond that I honestly don’t think there are answers to those questions to be had this side of heaven.
Before we move on I want to focus in on the word “enjoy” for a moment. I think that this word is part of the key to understanding this promise as well. Some people live a long life and they are bitter and cranky and horrible to be around. Others are sweet and good natured and a real blessing to others. Why is that? Well, I want you to notice that the promise isn’t just that you will have a long life, but that you will enjoy that long life. Living in obedience to God and honoring our parents enables us to enjoy life while those around us are rotting away in misery. And personally I think that part of the promise is more important than the number of years you get. I would rather have a few good years than a whole bunch of miserable ones. I think that this promise means that Christians who obey God and honor their parents will generally live long, enjoyable lives.
Well, that is enough about children so let’s move on to see what the Scripture has to say to the parents.
II. THE PLAN FOR PARENTS.
There are two key components to the plan for parents. One is something parents are supposed to do and the other is something they aren’t supposed to do. Let’s take a look at them now.
1) Don’t Provoke Your Children To Spiritual Frustration.
Ephesians 6:4a, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children;”
The English Standard Version says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger…” Now parents are bound to upset their children from time to time. I know that I do mine. Discipline and correction and punishment are seldom enjoyable experiences, but they are a key part of parenting. Telling your children “no” is bound to upset them and irritate them. However, this is not what this instruction is forbidding.
The word “exasperate” means to provoke to wrath, to provoke to the point of resentment. While children may resent being disciplined to some extent, nevertheless, in the long run, if it is done in the right spirit, they will come to appreciate it one day. But let me share a few things – based on the Scriptures – that are sure to exasperate your children.
a. Overcontrolling
Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” This is the result of over controlling your children – of over disciplining your children. For some of you disciplinarians out there it might be hard to imagine, but there is such a thing as too much discipline. This can range all the way from well meaning but overdone restriction and discipline to child abuse. Disciplining and restricting your child too much will stifle the child’s growth and development or drive them to rebel even more against authority or even to flee from the parent. They may flee in the sense of withdrawing emotionally and relationally or they may take the extreme case of actually running away.
b. Undercontrolling
On the opposite end of the spectrum we have the problem of under controlling our children. In fact, as I look around at society today I think that this is actually the far more prevalent problem of the two. It seems that there is a tendency among parents today to pamper and indulge their children by giving them everything they want and letting them do whatever they want to do. Today more than ever parents need to be reminded that there is not only such a thing as over disciplining, but that there is also such a thing as under disciplining. Although I doubt very much that you have ever heard that word before.
This problem is not a new problem. In fact, we find this very problem all they way back in the Old Testament book of 1 Samuel. There we find Eli the priest who was a good man, but his sons, who also served as priests, were dishonest and immoral. One night God spoke to the prophet Samuel concerning Eli and said in 1 Samuel 3:13, “For I told [Eli] that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons blasphemed God, and he failed to restrain them.” His sons blasphemed God and he failed to restrain them. Doesn’t that sound like a lot of kids today?
Some people under control their children in order to escape from personal responsibility. I think that may have been Eli’s problem. It is just easier to let kids do their own thing than to try and discipline them. Discipline is hard work and a lot of parents don’t want any part of it.
Some parents indulge their kids because of social standing or because they are trying to relive their own childhood. They want there kids to have everything they didn’t have when they were growing up. Or they want to keep up with the Joneses. They want to make sure that there kids have everything the neighbor’s kids have. They may be well meaning parents, but they are misguided parents. Children need discipline and they need boundaries. If you don’t give them those things, they might think that you are cool for a while, but eventually they may decide that you just didn’t care enough.
c. Unacceptance
Kids struggle with acceptance and where they belong and how they fit in. And no matter what challenges they may face at school or in society they must know that they are loved and accepted at home. Maybe your child isn’t the student that you were. Maybe your child isn’t the athlete that you were. Nonetheless, you must accept them for who they are as unique individuals made in the image of God himself.
Romans 15:7, “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you…” If you fail to accept your own child for who he or she is then you are only compounding their problems and I can guarantee that they will resent you for it.
d. Inconsistency
You could take this a couple of different ways. Let’s go back to the discipline issue for just a moment. If you are inconsistent in the way you hand out discipline you will frustrate your children. What I mean by that is do you punish harshly for an offense one time and then let them off lightly the next time? Do you come down harder on one child than you do on another child? We, as parents, must be consistent in these things.
The other area we must be consistent in is the area of our personal walk with the Lord. If we are always telling our kids one thing and then turning right around and doing the same thing, then what do you think our kids will do? They will likely end up following your example. It doesn’t do much good to teach your children not to swear if you are always cursing when you get upset.
The Bible is full of examples of kids who grew up and followed the negative influences of their parents. Look at what the Bible says about Ahaziah, who was the son of Ahab and Jezebel. 1 Kings 22:52, “[Ahaziah] did evil in the eyes of the LORD, because he followed the ways of his father and mother…” What will God’s assessment of your children be like, if they grow up and follow your ways?
Well, that is probably not an exhaustive list, but those are some of the ways that parents exasperate their children. If you do these things your children will be spiritually frustrated. However, if you will accept them for who they are, live a life of integrity before them, and discipline them in a fair and balanced way, they will respect you and honor you in the long run.
2) Do Provide Your Children A Spiritual Foundation.
As a Christian parent it is your responsibility to bring your children up in the ways of the Lord.
Ephesians 6b, “…instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
a. Train Them to Live for the Lord.
The word for “training” refers to the whole training and education of children which includes the cultivation of mind and morals, commands and admonitions, reproof and punishment, correcting mistakes and curbing the passions. A key component of this kind of training is corrective discipline.
b. Teach Them to Love the Lord.
The word “instruction” refers to counsel and exhortation. Note that the spiritual education of your children is not assigned to their Sunday School teacher, but to you. The home should be the child’s primary classroom and the parents should be the head teachers and the Bible should be the primary textbook.
I think it is significant that both of these words – teaching and training – are identified in the Scriptures as the very purposes of the Bible. 2 Timothy 3:16, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness…”
Note also that the parents are not to raise their children after their own ideas of what is best for the children or after what they believe to be right and wrong. Rather they are to raise them after the ways of the Lord and the Bible becomes our manual.
These two elements of teaching and training must go hand in hand. You have to teach your children about the Lord and about the Bible, but then you have to train them to live out the lessons that they have learned. Teach them to love the Lord and train them to live for the Lord.
CONCLUSION:
Let me close by saying that there are no guarantees in how your kids will turn out. You can do your best to teach your kids right and you can do your best to set a good example for them and they can still not turn out the way you want – they can still turn their back on the Lord. The key is that you must do your part for that is all you will be held accountable for.
And to the children let me say that although you don’t have the perfect parents, because none of us parents are perfect, you can still choose to accept the Lord and live a life that will be pleasing to him. The bottom line is one of personal responsibility and accountability to the Lord for both parents and children.
