The Art of Marriage
Part 3 – Lessons for Wives
Ephesians 5:33
February 27, 2011
Audio of this message can be heard at www.aberdeenwesleyan.org.
Introduction
This is the last in a 3-part series on the Art of Marriage.
We’ve talked about the foundation of a marriage being God’s design laid out in Genesis.
Last week I visited with the guys about using Joseph – Jesus’ foster dad – as a model of someone who took care of his wife and children.
Today I want to visit with the ladies.
And the issue I really want to address today is the issue of respect for your husband.
I’m going to talk much more about what that means here in a little bit, because I want you to understand that I’m not saying you ignore his shortcomings and do whatever he says to do, regardless of whether it’s good for the family or not.
That’s not a Scriptural view of marriage. But the Bible does command wives to respect their husbands, just like it commands husbands to love their wives and provide for them. Okay?
Modern culture, and especially TV programs, doesn’t model respect of a wife toward her husband.
Just watch almost any current TV sitcom. The husband is, in most cases, a bumbling idiot who can do almost nothing right, especially when it comes to understanding and loving their wives.
Commercials are the same way.
Just watch TV on any given night – or during any sporting event and tell me I’m wrong.
And I would hope that reasonable people would see the humor in that and at the same time see how false that model is.
Ladies, as we go through this time today, I want you to hear me loud and clear:
Your respect for your husband will affect the strength and success of your marriage.
And to the degree you disrespect your husband, you can expect a weakening and walking toward failure of your marriage.
Ladies – you can make or break your husband and his willingness and ability to fulfill God’s expectations for him as the husband and leader of your family.
You play such a key role in our success as men. And this whole deal of respect is essential to that.
So I hope you’ll catch what I believe God wants to tell you today from a very short passage of Scripture.
God/You:
Ephesians 5:33 –
However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
This short verse will be the foundation of everything I’ll be sharing with you.
I’m going to be sharing a number of things, and while I won’t be putting a Scripture passage with them, all of them are principles you’ll find throughout Scripture.
“Respect” can be a rather loaded term, so I want to start by defining it a bit before we go on to how it applies to respecting your husband.
Respect is both a noun and verb.
Definition of respect:
Noun (Merriam-Webster) 3a – High or special regard.
Verb (M-W) – 1a. To consider worthy of high regard.
Some positions in life are automatically due respect:
- Police officers
- Fire fighters
- Military personnel and their superior officers
- Judges
- Sports officials
On a personal level, some may not deserve your respect. Believe me, I get that.
We’ve all heard stories of police officials, judges, military officers, and referees who, on a personal level, were nothing but slimy jerks.
But their position gives them an authority that in and of itself deserves respect.
One other position that deserves that respect: husbands.
Wives – I KNOW that all husbands are jerks some times, and that some husbands are jerks all the time – it seems to be programmed into their DNA to be selfish idiots who push other people around, including their wives.
The only answer for that is quite frankly, for God to do a miracle in that guy’s life – which I’ll talk about a little later.
How can a wife show respect for her husband? Let me give you 3 ways you can really make a difference in the life of your husband – and therefore your marriage.
Here’s the first on:
1. Allow him to lead.
I know it’s not very politically correct nowadays, but the fact of the matter from Scripture is that the man is the head of the household, as Christ is the head of the Church.
The bottom line of what that means is that God is holding him responsible for the direction – right or wrong – of his family.
That, ladies, is a huge burden for the man who understands that.
It’s so important that you allow him to lead the family, especially financially (in providing for you if he is able), relationally, and spiritually.
You can do that in a couple of ways:
• Understand your unique role as a helpmate.
Here is where misconceptions abound, in society and the church.
People see this “helpmate” thing as being a second-class citizen, and nothing could be further from the truth.
I mentioned last week that God brought all the animals to Adam to see what he would name them, and it says that among all of creation, there was no suitable helper for Adam.
Until Eve.
Only a woman created in the image of God can fulfill the role of completing the man.
Women are uniquely created by God to help us be the men we need to be and do the task God assigns us.
When you come alongside him – in any number of ways, including this thing about respect, you are fulfilling a God-given role that only you as a woman can fulfill.
And in talking to many women over the years who grasp that, I find that they are the most fulfilled in their marriages.
Because they see that they are doing exactly what God called them to do – support their husbands.
And their husbands respond with love, caring, and respect toward their wives, as well as the stuff about providing for their needs.
Ladies, if you only knew how often Debra has saved my bacon because she brought something into the discussion I hadn’t thought of, or brought a perspective on something that I had absolutely no clue about, you’d understand how much I value her and how much I value the fact that God has gifted us men with you.
Please don’t ever think of “helpmate” as anything other than an honored and honorable task that God has uniquely equipped and gifted you to do.
• Trust God for the results.
What I mean is this: as your husband makes decisions and looks to take your family in a particular direction – whether it be financially or spiritually, or whatever – and you allow him to do that, then you can trust God to take care of you, even when his decision is wrong.
Even when the decision brings harm. God can bring beauty out of that as you trust Him by letting your husband lead.
Obviously you should give your input, but in the end, God will be holding him responsible, not you, as you obey God in this.
Here’s the second way you can show your husband respect:
2. Speak well to him and about him.
• Encourage him both privately and publicly.
Ladies – you have no idea how powerful your words are to your husband.
He literally craves to hear honest, sincere praise and appreciation from you.
He might get compliments all day long at work, but one negative comment from you blows it all away.
It knocks him out and takes all the steam out of him.
It takes away his motivation in every area of his life and marriage.
On the other hand, a complimentary word from you fills his sails and lifts his spirits, and give him the motivation to keep going.
Encourage him with your words, and do it when you’re alone and in front of others.
• Watch how you talk to him, especially in front of the kiddos.
A lot of wives not only won’t encourage their husbands, they’ll spend all their energy talking negatively to them and about them, contradicting them anytime he says anything, and talking to their husbands like their little kids.
But you are his wife – not his mother.
Don’t talk to him like a child. Talk to him like he’s the man of your life.
This vitally important for your kids to see as well. They need to see you talking well to your husband.
It builds security for them, and just as importantly, models something that they can bring into their own marriages down the road.
And you know what? If you don’t respect your husband, your kids won’t. And as devastating as it is for you to disrespect him, having the kids disrespect him will be the final straw and you’ll lose your man – even if he never moves you.
It’s vitally important that you speak well to your husband and about him in front of the kiddos.
• Let others hear.
Vocalize your love and respect for your husband in front of others, even when he’s not around.
It’s a cliché about how women will get together and complain about their husbands over dinner at the restaurant.
If you’re in a situation like that, that’s a perfect opportunity to say something complimentary about your husband.
It’ll shock and stun them that you’re refusing to join in the husband-bashing, and you’ll be modeling something positive for them as well.
Don’t speak negatively about your husband to your circle of friends – even at Bible study and prayer meeting.
Yes, I know your husband needs prayer. We all do. We all have shortcomings and weaknesses and issues that need prayer.
But you can share stuff without belittling your husband or giving people negative impressions of your husband.
I hate to tell you this, ladies, but guys have egos. And they are easily bruised by our wives. We need to know that you’re not trashing us behind our backs.
Speak of the positive aspects of your husband.
Here’s the third way you can show respect for your husband – the respect he so badly needs:
3. Pray for your husband. (And WITH him, if he’ll let you)
Obviously, if there is anybody in your life who needs prayer, it’s your husband.
And we know that. So we WANT you to pray for us.
Here are some things you can pray for your husband:
• His spiritual health.
Pray that He would follow Jesus in every area of His life, that he would be in the Scriptures regularly, learning and applying them so he can be the man God wants him to be and the husband and father you need him to be.
Maybe he doesn’t know Jesus yet. Well, that’s a great place to start praying for him, don’t you think?
I mentioned before that some husbands are just engrained jerks and that it would take a miracle for him to change.
The good news is that Jesus is in the business of transforming people – including husbands who aren’t living up to the standards that God has for them.
So here’s what I suggest:
Pray that Jesus would become his savior and master.
When that happens, the Bible says that he becomes a new person. Just like you become a new person when Jesus enters you.
This is an act of God!
You can’t make him a new person. Only God can do that.
And the good news is that He WANTS to do that – in both of you!
It starts with being spiritually healthy. If a husband is spiritually healthy, he will be a healthy husband and father – a healthy leader that you and your children can follow with confidence that God will take care of everything.
• Energy and strength to provide for the family.
Most husbands aren’t afraid to work to provide for their families.
But we get tired from time to time, especially when we see the bills piling up and we’re not sure if our paychecks are going to cover it.
But with your encouragement and prayers, we’re ready to go slay the dragons and kill that bear so our families can eat.
So pray for us in that regard. You can also pray that your husband…
• Takes initiative in spiritual leadership.
I talked about this last week when I talked to the guys, but we can use God’s help to take that leadership, so we value your prayers.
Dads who are new believers in Jesus really need your prayers because taking intentional spiritual leadership is new to them.
So encourage your husband and pray for him as he takes the reins of spiritual leadership in your home.
Another thing you can pray for is that your husband…
• Models biblical character, especially to his children.
I’ve said over and over again that especially with children, more is caught than taught.
So it’s critical for dads to demonstrate growth in Christlike character.
He can’t do it alone, ladies. He needs you.
He needs to know that you’ve got his back as you’re before the throne of God in prayer, asking God to help your husband be transformed by His Word into a godly husband and dad.
Okay – allow him to lead, speak well to him and about him, and pray for him.
Now let me talk for a few minutes about what respecting your husband does for him:
Gives him a desire to work even harder to provide and protect.
Boosts his confidence in leading the family in the right direction.
Gives him a greater desire to deepen his own relationship with Christ
Which leads to greater wisdom in leading, decision-making, and parenting, as well as being an even better husband – that’s what I’d call a win/win!).
He will work harder than ever to earn your respect as a man and not just a figurehead.
We need your help to be the husbands and leaders that God has called us to be.
We won’t admit it very often, so I’m admitting it on behalf of every guy here and every guy you’ll ever know – and especially your husband.
We need to know that you love us and respect us that you’ve got our backs.
When we know we have that, we want to conquer the world for you. And we’ll have the confidence to do it.
Any husband with a shred of common decency will give his right arm for a wife and children who love, respect, and appreciate his efforts for them.
It’s highly motivational for us to be thought highly of by our wives and kids. We need to know that our wives hold us in high and special regard, even when we make a mistake or a wrong decision.
When we know our wives respect us, we try harder to learn from those mistakes and not repeat them.
We try harder to please our wives, because we know it’s appreciated.
You can’t believe how motivational that is for guys.
You have the power to be used by God to mold us to be your man as we become God’s man.
So look at this issue of respecting your husband
We: I mentioned earlier that the media stereotypes husbands as bumbling idiots who don’t have the respect of their wives.
It’s especially sad because it also undermines marriage in general.
Ladies, you have the chance to show the people around you that marriage is something you cherish because you cherish your husband.
We need it – and when you choose to respect your husband in spite of his shortcomings, you honor your husband and you honor God.
And God has a way of blessing those who honor Him.
My hope is that you’ll open yourself – and therefore your marriage – to God’s blessing.
Let’s pray.
