The Art of Marriage
Part 1 – The Foundation for a Successful Marriage
Genesis 2:18-24
February 13, 2011
Me: I enter this series with much fear and trembling, and my mind goes back to a cartoon I saw once where a pastor and his wife were driving home from church, and he says to his wife, “You know, my sermons would be a lot more powerful if you wouldn’t say ‘Ha!’ after each point.”
I often mention the fact that I’ve been married for going on 23 years. In fact, next Sunday is our anniversary, and immediately following lunch, my bride and I are going away to our yearly Pastor’s retreat with the other pastors in our District, but also taking a few days just for ourselves.
But I’m fully aware that I don’t have it all figured out yet, and that my application of even the stuff I’m going to share today can be lacking greatly at times.
So please don’t think that I think that I’ve got a total handle on this stuff. I’m still working on it.
We: I think that all of us married types, if we’re honest, would have to admit the same thing.
We realize that we’re not the perfect spouse all the time – even as we realize that our spouse isn’t the perfect spouse all the time.
New Deal: Tim Timmons maintains that there are basically three stages in marriage. Stage #1 is the Ideal. That’s when everyone is excited, when love is grand, and “our marriage is going to be different!” But then along comes stage #2. The Ideal becomes an Ordeal. This is when we realize that our Prince Charming has warts, and that our Sleeping Beauty is not nearly so lovely once she wakes up. Then, far too often, along comes stage #3. And that’s when either one of the spouses begins wishing for a New Deal. Have you noticed that trend in our culture?
Well, let me tell you that God’s plan is that we should have a marriage that blesses both spouses and honors God.
You might be sitting here today with what you would describe as the perfect marriage. You’re getting along (for now), and things seem to be going well in every aspect of your marriage.
If that’s you, then praise God! But you can still learn from our Scripture passage today.
But some of you might be on the other extreme: your marriage is falling apart. Your spouse and you can barely be in the same room as each other without screaming.
And you’re wondering if you’re going to make it as a couple.
And if that’s you today, then my prayer is you will take what you will learn today and over the next couple of weeks, and determine to make them part of your marriage.
Because I believe that if you do, God will bring healing to you as individual spouses, and to your marriage overall.
Most of us are somewhere in between those extremes, and we want to learn how to move over to the side where marriage is mostly a joy, right?
I think that God’s Word has some hope for all of us, no matter where we’re sitting at the moment.
And by the way, this will also be helpful for those of you who aren’t married – yet. Keeping these things in mind will help prepare you to be the best spouse possible. So you may want to pay attention.
And for those of you who have already gone through the pain of a divorce, then my suggestion would that you would pray for the marriages represented here today, that they might not know the pain you’ve had to deal with, and my prayer for you is that you will find healing as you continue your journey.
God: Much of what I’m sharing with you today is from a message I found entitled, Making Marriage Work, by Pastor Mark Magee out of Delaware.
It was kinda like Mary Poppins: “practically perfect in every way.”
And so I thought it would good to share some of what he had to share. I am grateful for his willingness to share this material, and I hope God will use it in your life today.
Just like the foundation for following Jesus is the Scriptures…The foundation for a successful marriage is God’s Word.
Genesis 2:18-24 –
18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.
But for Adam no suitable helper was found. 21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man."
And here is the verse that I want us to focus on for today:
24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Here we find God’s original design for marriage: one man, one woman, for a lifetime of commitment.
This is the same design affirmed throughout all of Scripture, and by Jesus Himself in Matthew 19:5.
This has always been God’s plan, and as much as society tries to re-define marriage as just a piece of paper or something that can happen between two people of the same sex, the fact is that God designed marriage – and this passage of Scripture gives us that design.
It’s focusing on His design for marriage that helps us gain not just an understanding of marriage, but also gives us a blue-print for making a successful one.
I want to suggest that verse 24 is the foundational verse for marriage.
In fact, from this verse we will learn that marriage is designed by God to operate according to three fundamental priorities.
I cover much of this during the pre-marital counseling session before I do a wedding.
I insist on counseling. People will spend literally thousands on a wedding, but put absolutely NO investment – even of just time with a pastor – into their marriage.
And I think all of us here would recognize that a glamorous wedding does not guarantee a great marriage,
Every now and then I’ll get a couple who says, “We’ve both been married before – we don’t need pre-marital counseling.”
Actually, if it’s a second marriage, the divorce rate is at least 60% - greater depending on the source, and third marriages have a divorce rate at close to 75%. Believe me – you need pre-marital counseling…
Every couple entering marriage should spend a number of hours with a pastor who can help them catch God’s design for marriage and give them tools to help them live it out – for their own sake and for God’s glory in their marriage.
Why? Because marriage done God’s way works.
It’s not always easy, but it works – if we’ll put God and our spouse ahead of our own wants, it works.
And by the way – I do a lot of what II call “missionary weddings. These are weddings for people who don’t yet know Jesus.
Some pastors will only do weddings for members of their church or only for people who are already Christians.
I respect their decision, but I see it as an opportunity to present Jesus and the tools to have a successful marriage based on God’s design that the Justice of the Peace isn’t allowed to give, and that a liberal pastor might not give.
And I think these things are too important to leave to chance in a world that is too quick to shove God’s Word and God’s design to the side or ignore them altogether.
So I want us to look at three instructions from verse 24 that if followed, will bring blessing.
Some of you may have seen this outline in one form or another, but I think you’ll find it useful no matter how long you’ve been married or if a wedding is in your future.
Instruction #1: Leave.
If your marriage is going to be what it ought to be– THERE HAS TO BE A LEAVING!
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother.”
Now, that is not a reference to abandon or forsake your parents – because we know from other Scriptures that we must always honor them.
But it’s a statement to remind us that that when you establish your new home, you are to loosen your dependency on mom and dad.
What this means is that we need to sever the emotional umbilical cord. Whether it’s an emotional dependency or even a financial dependency, a physical dependency– you are to “leave” them.
Some people just can’t cut away from mom or dad, and they drag that dependence into the marriage.
They won’t make a decision for their family without asking mom or dad first, or they let mom or dad control their family – where to spend the holidays, how to raise their children, how to spend their money, or whatever.
And when something goes wrong in the marriage or they need to complain, who do they go to? Mom and Dad.
If you find that you’re dependent on your parents for things that should be handled between and with your spouse, then there are two words you need to hear:
GROW UP!!
Mom and dad, realize that your child was given to you– but only for a time for a very limited period of training.
Listen, by the time your child is 12 years old, 2/3 of your time is gone!
Unless, of course, you have raised them to think that success is found in mooching off of you instead of learning to live on their own, in which case you’ve handicapped them and your marriage.
If you have done your job right, you’ve been preparing your child for mate selection from infancy. If you’ve waited until she was 16, it’s too late.
And when your child comes to you and says, “Mom, Dad– this is the person that God wants me to marry....,” when that decision has been made, when your counsel has been given and the wedding march begins to play– that’s when you are to give your child back to the safe-keeping of God.
And that’s when you let go!
Pastor Magee, in his message refers to a preacher friend of his who said that on his wedding day, his dad came into his room and said, “Son, you’re on your own, now. I’m here for counsel when you need it. But you won’t hear it unless you ask. And if you don’t make it work with you new wife, don’t come running home to us. We’re moving on with our lives. And it’s time for you to do the same. You’re a man now. I love you– but you are on your own.” That was probably the greatest wedding present he could receive!
So I’m not saying you shouldn’t ask for their advice and input.
What I am saying is that you and your parents need to understand that your spouse is number one in your life, and that you will do life together based on what the two of you decide, not what they decide.
For some of you that’s going to be incredibly hard.;
The principle of this leaving is this.... NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON EARTH, IS TO TAKE PRECEDENCE OVER YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE.
And when it does, you are in clear violation of the first fundamental priority of marriage. That leads us to the second instruction from this verse, and that is to…
Instruction #2: Cleave.
If your marriage is going to be what it ought to be– there also has to be a cleaving!
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother.... and be united to his wife....”
The KJV put it like this.... “he shall cleave unto his wife.”
Now, let’s make it absolutely clear that this has nothing to do with a meat cleaver. The word, “cleave” has nothing to do with slicing and dicing.
The word “cleave” means “to cling or glue to something. To keep close to something and remain bonded to it.”
This same word is used in 2 Kings 5:27 to describe leprosy which clings to the body.
It’s used in Job 19:20, describing bones that cling to the skin.
In Ezekiel it describes scales clinging to a fish. Now, scales cling to a fish and bones to a body and leprosy to skin– because they are joined as one. They are merely different parts of the same thing!
And that’s the point. God, at the very inception of marriage, said: THIS THING IS FOR LIFE! The marital bond is a permanent, lasting, never-to-be-severed bond!
When you stood before the Lord, whether it was in a beautiful house of worship or a justice of the peace, and said, “I take you to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part,” you were making a covenant with the future.
A vow to God! A vow of permanence. Malachi 2 says to remember the wife of your youth. Keep your marriage covenant. Cleave to that union.
In the eyes of God cleaving means wholehearted commitment, first of all spiritual, but flowing over into every area of our being, so that the cleaving is also intellectual, emotional and physical.
This is waaaaaaay more than a slip of paper, don’t you think?
It’s a recognition that you are making a commitment that doesn’t just go away when the going gets tough – which it will from time to time if only because you’re in it!
It means that you’re going to do whatever it takes to keep that bond from breaking because it breaks the heart of God, it breaks the heart of your spouse, it breaks the hearts of your kids, and it leaves everyone involved damaged and hurt – because you have chosen to abandon this principle of cleaving.
I told you I insist on pre-marital counseling. But also believe in counseling while you’re married.
If you need help – then get it. Sometimes the help we need might be beyond your own ability to fix it and you need outside help.
That’s okay – there’s no shame in that. Get the help of someone who is capable of helping you identify and address the issues that threaten that cleaving.
Here’s…
Instruction #3: Weave.
Finally, if your marriage is going to be what it ought to be, There has to be a Weaving!
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.... and they will become one flesh.”
Note that it says, “they become one flesh. In other words, they weave themselves into each other’s life, and not just in a sexual sense.
And that’s a process– not an instantaneous event.
“One flesh” doesn’t happen just because the preacher says, “I now pronounce you husband and wife”; it doesn’t happen when you sign the legal documents; it doesn’t happen in a motel ten miles down the road.
It is a life long process! And it is built on the two previous principles.
Men, according to a recent survey 84% of women feel they don’t have intimacy (oneness) in their marriages.
A large majority of female divorcees say their married years were the loneliest of their lives.
God has called us to love our wives as ourselves and to lay down our lives that we might be one with them. Even this verse seems to place the responsibility on the man.
God’s plan for marriage is that two become one. And this is much more than just sharing the same residence, the same food, and the same bed.
This is two people giving themselves to one another until their lives are woven together into one.
Husband, wife, let me ask you. Are you developing true companionship in your marriage? Is your marriage more than a joint checking account and the children?
God wants much more than that for you. He designed marriage for companionship!
Here are some elements necessary for weaving two lives together.....
A Vow: only when you make a covenant vow to cleave unto your wife will you be willing to so blend your heart with hers that you become, in every sense of the word a TEAM!
TIME: Only as you make room in your life for you mate can you weave your life into hers/his.
And again – you don’t find time, you make time.
Hard Work: Marriage is hard work– hardest task you’ll ever attempt! But it’s worth it.
Forgiveness: You will be hurt, disappointed, and offended by your mate. And the only way you can recover is to commit now to granting forgiveness.
There are 12 words that will keep any marriage together: “I was wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you.” And those words must be spoken often in marriage.
Prayer: your marriage better be a matter of prayer with and for one another.
Fun: Do things that are fun. Laugh together. Enjoy life.
Rodney Dangerfield said, “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations– we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
That’s not weaving!
Are you on your way to oneness? Let’s close with two powerful suggestions......
1. Accept the fact that your marriage will never be perfect.
The only ideal marriage in history was Adam and Eve’s and even they blew it.
Even the best of marriages know times of breakdown, doubt, disillusionment, anger, distress and conflict.
Remember, you’re in the marriage, so it’s already not perfect.
But you don’t have to be help prisoner by those imperfections.
With the help of God, you can work through them and even thrive through them.
2. Realize that success in marriage is not so much as finding the right mate, as it is in being the right mate.
You may think that you married a dud– but have you ever looked in the mirror?
The truth is, you probably married over your head. And even if you did marry the wrong person, you can treat her like the right person and make that union work!
You: Take one of these three things: leaving, cleaving, and weaving, and intentionally pray and think through how strong or weak you are in each of them.
This week would be a great time to do that, tomorrow being Valentines’ Day and all.
It’s not always fun, because we all fall short in some ways in all of these.
And I’m not saying you should spend a bunch of time beating yourself up.
I’m saying get with God so He can help you be the best husband or wife you can be along God’s design.
And as God speaks to you about this, then ask for His help in strengthening the weakest one, as well as strengthening the strongest one – so that you can get even better at that.
We: Marriage is the fabric of society. When we have healthy families, we have a healthy society.
And vice-versa. Unhealthy families make for an unhealthy society.
It truly starts with you and me as we work to build strong marriages of our own and model strong marriage to those around us, especially our kids.
When you have a godly, Christ-centered marriage, it makes people stand up and take notice.
And you may have the opportunity to influence someone else outside of your own children who sees the love, joy, and commitment in your marriage and determines that that will be the hallmark of theirs as well.
God wants you to enjoy your marriage. He wants to prosper your marriage and make it more fulfilling as the years go by.
As that happens, God is honored. And His kingdom is advanced as people see the love Jesus has for His church being lived out in the individual lives of His people.
Let’s pray.
