FORGIVENESS
Text: Hebrews 12:14, 15
We all get hurt. Sometimes, a loved one will say the wrong thing and hurt your feelings. Or your spouse will forget your anniversary. Or someone that you thought was your friend betrays a secret. Most of the time we consider these to be minor offenses, and usually, after time passes and maybe an apology is made, we forgive.
But some offenses are more serious and more difficult to forgive. Maybe you were molested as a child and you still can’t forgive your molester. Maybe you think that it is impossible to forgive your spouse that you caught cheating on you. Maybe you are in an abusive relationship, and you feel that there is no way you can ever forgive your abuser for what he is doing to you. Many of us struggle with feelings like this at some time during our lives.
What we need to realize though, is that if we continue to harbor feelings of bitterness and hatred, it will consume us and make us unusable to God. It will destroy not only our witness, but our peace and joy as well. The author of Hebrews warns us about this when he writes, “[14] Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. [15] Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” (Hebrews 12:14, 15 NLT) If we are unwilling to forgive someone, feelings of hatred and bitterness will grow within us, and choke the life out of our relationship with God. Even worse, it can spread to others, causing splits in families or churches. If you have ever worked in a place or gone to church in a place where you’re either on “one side or the other,” you know what I mean.
What did Jesus have to say about forgiveness? In Matthew 6, Jesus is talking about prayer, and He gives the disciples what has come to be known as “the Lord’s prayer.” We pray this prayer every Sunday morning at this church, and sometimes I am afraid that we have said it so many times that we don’t really listen to what we are saying. Jesus said, “[9] After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. [10] Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. [11] Give us this day our daily bread. [12] And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. [13] And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.” (Matthew 6:9 – 13)
Did you catch verse 12? The word “debts” means “sins” in this context. Let me read this verse to you in the NLT: “and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us.” When we are reciting that prayer, we are asking God to forgive us just like we forgive others. Now THAT’S a sobering thought. How well are you forgiving others?
Jesus doesn’t stop there, however. He continues in verses 14 and 15. “[14] For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: [15] But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Let’s take a time out there. Jesus is NOT saying that we can not be saved if we refuse to forgive others. Our salvation depends completely on Jesus and what He has done, not what you and I do. If we had to forgive everyone else as a condition for salvation, we could claim that we earned it by doing a work, and the Bible says that “[8] For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: [9] Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8, 9) Jesus is not talking about forgiveness that leads to salvation, but forgiveness that leads to fellowship. Jesus is talking about sins that we commit after that we have become a Christian. Sin in our lives as Christians will hinder our growth, and cause us to be out of fellowship with God and with our brothers and sisters. It will cause God to stop blessing us and to chastise us instead.
The point that Jesus is making is that if we have truly experienced the forgiveness of God, we ought to mirror that attitude and forgive others that sin against us. Jesus told a parable about it one time. In Matthew 18, Peter comes and asks Jesus a question. He says, “[21] …Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? [22] Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21, 22) The Jewish custom of Jesus’ day was to forgive someone three times for the same transgression. If they did it more than three times, they were considered to be non-repentant, and you were no longer required to forgive. Peter thought that he was being especially generous by forgiving seven times, but Jesus says that you should keep on forgiving as many times as it takes. What if God only forgave us three times for the awful things that we do sometimes? I am glad that God is merciful and will forgive us time and time again when we fail. This is not a license to sin, but a characteristic of a loving and merciful God.
Jesus continues, “[23] Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants. [24] And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents. [25] But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made. [26] The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. [27] Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. [28] But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. [29] And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all. [30] And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. [31] So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. [32] Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me: [33] Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? [34] And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. [35] So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses” (Matthew 18:23 – 35)
Of course, in this parable, the King is God, and the servants are us. The first servant owes the King an unimaginable amount, and there is no way in the world that it can be repaid. He pleads with the King to give him more time, and he will repay it all. This would amount to someone saying, “If you’ll just give me some more time, I’ll pay off the national debt!” It’s impossible. The debt is too much. But the King takes pity on the servant, and forgives the debt. He erases it! Through no action of his own, the servant’s debt is cleared!
But the servant goes out and finds another servant that owes HIM money. The amount given here would be the equivalent of about 100 days worth of pay. Now that would be a great amount to most of us, but it is nothing compared to the debt that the first servant owed. As before, the second servant asks for more time, but the first servant refuses and has the man put into prison until the debt is paid.
When the King finds out, He is furious! He calls the servant back in and says, “[32] …You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. [33] Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?” (Matthew 18:32, 33 NLT) The King has the unmerciful servant cast into prison until he can pay off HIS debt. Notice there is no mention of eternal damnation here. The servant was already saved, but he lost God’s blessing on his life because he refused to forgive. Jesus finishes by saying, “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.” (Matthew 18:35)
So how DO we forgive someone that has done something unthinkable to us? It’s not easy. If you are waiting around to feel like you have forgiven them, you are in for a long wait. You must take the initiative. You must DECIDE to love and forgive, and keep on deciding to love and forgive until, finally, one day, you have. After all, isn’t that the way God forgives us? He doesn’t forgive us because we are so lovable, or because we deserve it, or because He feels all warm and fuzzy when He forgives us. He has CHOSEN to forgive us when we ask, and he has CHOSEN to love us unconditionally.
A step in the right direction is to pray for those that hurt you. In Luke 6:28, Jesus tells the disciples, “Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.” In Matthew 5:43, 44 Jesus says, “[43] Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. [44] But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” Now I know what some of you are thinking. You’re thinking about that country song called, “Pray for You.” The lyrics go like this:
I havent been to church since I don’t remember when
Things were goin’ great ‘til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you can’t go hatin’ others who have done wrong to you
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them
I pray your brakes go out runnin’ down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I’d like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you’re flyin’ high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know whereever you are honey, I pray for you
That’s not exactly what Jesus had in mind! We can pray that God changes their heart and works in their life. Maybe the reason that they have hurt you so much is that they are hurt themselves. Pray that God heals their hurt. Pray that God will shower His love upon them and draw them to repentance.
Now the first couple of times you pray that, you may not really mean it. That’s ok. But the point is, keep praying it. If you continue to do it over and over again, you’ll see something happen. Your prayers may or may not change the person that you are praying for, but they will change you. Your attitude toward that person will change, and one day, you WILL be able to forgive them.
Ephesians puts it like this: “[31] Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: [32] And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:31, 32) Colossians 3:12, 13 echoes that thought: “[12] Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; [13] Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
So praying for someone is the first step to forgiveness. What’s the second step? Choosing to do good to them. Jesus taught, “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 7:12) Notice that Jesus doesn’t say to “wait until you see how someone treats you so that you will know how to treat them;” He says that you should treat them the way you want them to treat you. Whether they do or not is beside the point, but sometimes doing good things for people have a way of softening their heart, and it definitely can soften yours.
You can act on this this week. Think about that person that you just can’t seem to forgive. Pray for them all week. As you begin next week, continue to pray, and determine to do something nice for them. You might be surprised at what happens.
So we should pray for those that hurt us, and we should do good to them. Is that all? I believe that there is one more step. We need to try to forget what the person has done to offend us, especially if they have asked for forgiveness. Again, I know that that is not easy to do. Some of you may say, “How can I forget it? I think about it constantly!” Normally when we think about the word “forget” we think about “accidental” forgetting. You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. You forgot an appointment. You forgot to set the alarm clock. You didn’t actually mean to do any of those things…it just slipped your mind, and you forgot. The forgetting I am talking about is “intentional” forgetting. One of the definitions of the word “forget” in Webster’s is “to disregard intentionally.” That means that you CHOOSE to ignore it. It may still be in your memory, but you act as if it never happened. Again, isn’t that what God does for us? Remember, God is all-knowing. He CHOOSES not to remember our sins; “intentionally” forgetting.
I read a story once about two monks that had taken vows to never touch a woman. One day they were walking back to the monastery, and they came to a stream. A woman was trying to cross, but was not strong enough to stand in the current. She asked for their help. The first monk said that he had made a vow to never touch a woman, and that he couldn’t do it. The woman continued to plead with them, until finally, the second monk was filled with compassion, took her in his arms and carried her across the stream. The other monk followed and they continued their journey. They walked for miles and did not speak. Finally, the first monk said with disgust, “I can’t believe you picked up that woman! You know that we’re never supposed to touch the opposite sex!” (adapted from The Christian Athiest, by Craig Groeschel.) The second monk replied, “I put her down miles ago. Why do you still carry her in your heart?” We can continue to carry that hurt with us until we die, or we can choose to forgive and to forget.
In closing, let me encourage you to do what I have preached about tonight. If you are struggling with forgiveness, begin to pray for the person that has offended you. Be patient! If you have been harboring ill feelings toward that person for months or years, don’t expect for those feelings to vanish over night. Continue to pray every day until you have truly forgiven. Don’t forget to ask God for His help as you pray. Choose to do good things for this person, whether they respond or not. Buy their lunch, do something nice for their kids, let them know that you are praying for them. Finally, DECIDE to “intentionally” forget what they have done to you. They may never change, but you will. And one day, when you stand before God at the Judgment, your conscience will be clear.
