[Lynn would like to acknowledge and thank two individuals: Years ago Pastor Rick Warren wrote a Sermon Series based upon 1 Corinthians 13, and John Ortberg wrote a book entitled: Everybody’s Normal Until You Get To Know Them. Lynn relied heavily upon these two resources for this series because they deal with Relationships and Community. He would like to recognize their influence in the preparation of these messages.]
We began a sermon series, last week, that we are calling:
“connecting to our community.”
– and in this series, we are dealing with: relationships.
Because the Bible says that it’s not good for man to be alone.
the Bible teaches: we were made for community.
it’s not by accident that solitary confinement for human beings,
is considered severe punishment.
So we are looking at: relationships – as we connect to our community
and we are studying together about: learning how to love …
… for many reasons:
RELATIONSHIPS DETERMINE YOUR HAPPINESS !
they are the source of either your greatest pleasure or your
greatest pain. A relationship can either make you feel
miserable or magnificent. Psychologists tell us that most
emotional problems are rooted in wrong relationships.
most suicides happen because of unhealthy relationships.
… so relationships, determine our happiness.
2NDLY: OUR RELATIONSHIPS DETERMINE OUR SUCCESS !
The American Management Association said the number one
important skill that an executive should have is the ability to get
along with other people.
in fact, John D. Rockefeller once said: "I’ll pay anything for that".
3RDLY: OUR RELATIONSHIPS DEVELOP OUR CHARACTER.
Who you are a year from today will largely be determined
by two things: the things you allow into your mind
and the people you relate to.
The Bible says in I Cor. 15:33 (LB) "Bad company corrupts good character."
Who we spend our time with, shapes us !
in our society today relationships are fragmenting at an
alarming rate. Very few people know how to relate to others
appropriately & effectively, in fact, very few communities know
how to relate to one another appropriately and biblically …
(which is one reason why we produced The Grace Card !)
Because …
There are very few good, biblical role models around !
Far too many people in our society get their role models from
the wrong side of Hollywood … or the media …
which is kind of like: the blind leading the blind …
But the over-arching reason why we are learning how to love:
#4.: RELATIONSHIPS ARE WHAT WE WERE CREATED FOR !!
At creation … God looked at Adam and pronounced:
“it is not good for man to be alone”
As Jesus prayed his high priestly prayer … he prayed that we,
the fellowship of believers both then, and all who would later
follow – he prayed that we would be one !!
We were created in the image of God … and part of how we “become”
and develop that image within us … is in relationship
one with another !!
… because … we were created for “relationship” !!
Now, last week, we noted that the Bible says that :
Love is to be the basis of all our relationships.
We all know that.
But the problem is (as we’ve indicated) most people misunderstand love.
so we need to define it. And God dedicated an entire chapter
in the Bible to this, instructing us what love is;
and what love is not …
So today, we’re going to look at the first building block ...
I cor. 13:4, which says: "love is patient".
God says - that when you’re going to relate to other people
within your community …
If you want to have good, healthy, growing, relationships;
the first thing you need is: patience !
Now, ?> why would God know that ? …
Well, he’s had several thousand years experience dealing
with people !
He’s had to have patience ! … with you … and with me !
The word in greek literally means "it takes a long time to boil".
we talk about somebody having a short fuse; this means …
God has an extremly long fuse !
And here is what is interesting:
This word is never used in reference to anything else in the Bible
except: people. … so the word of God is teaching us:
you need to take a long time to boil
when you relate to other people !
Love is patient !
that means: it’s loving to be patient !
and … it is unloving to be impatient !!
When I’m patient with my kids I’m loving.
when I’m patient with my wife, I’m loving.
but when I’m impatient … I am unloving !
Why is patience so vital to relationships?
?> Why; … of all the things that God could have started with when he started
giving rules for great relationships, … why , does he say
start with patience ? ?> Why is that the most important ?
#1. BECAUSE EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT.
Look please at this next verse: 1 Cor. 12:6 (PH):
"God works through different people in different ways."
He says everybody is an original !
if you’re a parent with two or three kids you know that !
it’s amazing how different your children are;...
- all from the same family, yet each child is different & unique.
One of the small group tracks we have offered in the past (& we are discussing making it a more routine / or regular option) is: “S.H.A.P.E. training.
… because … God made each of us, with a unique shape.
There are five factors that make you different from other people. They are how God has S.H.A.P.E.d. you.
S your spiritual gifts -- the abilities, the special abilities God has given you to serve him and establish a relationship with him.
H your heart -- we’re all motivated differently. We all have different interests, different passions. Things that motivate you don’t motivate me - and vise versa. We all have different heart beats.
ya see – some love “hands on” service projects … others love to give the
funds for that – and then let others do the work !!
but the passions of your heart – motivates everyone differently ….
A abilities -- we all have different abilities, different natural talents and skills and capabilities. Things that we’ve developed with use & training – like vocational skills.
P personality -- we all have different personalities. Different perceptions and values. There are shy people and outgoing people, people who like routine and people who like variety, people who are introverts and those who are extroverts...
E experiences of life -- we all have different backgrounds, different needs. We’ve gone through different life experiences and those experiences have helped us to become the person we are!
Because of these five things -- the way God has shaped you -- there
is nobody else in the world like you ! - you are very different
and very complex. There is nobody else quite like you !
Some of us see the glass half full … some of us see it half empty !
We all have different perspectives ! Five people may witness a
crime and they all see things differently.
we … are very different.
Let me illustrate: let’s say as a student, you bring home a report card with 5 A’s and 1 B.
and here is what it looked like:
English, A; math, A; history, A; physics, A; biology, B; Phys. Ed., A.
Now, ?> if this had been your report card how would you have felt?
1) I’d feel good knowing my parents felt good too.
2) My parents would want to know why I made a B in biology.
3) I would expect a big reward from my parents if I brought home this card.
4) I’d feel sad because I did not make straight A’s.
5) I’d call Dr. David Evans and ask him to write a movie entitled:
Miracle of Miracles !!
Bottom line:
we are all very different !
almighty God, loves variety !!
just look at creation … in fact … look around this room !!
And the fact is:
we ought to celebrate our varieties … however … because we
are all different, it grates on us … and in community …
we need to learn to be patient with one another !!
So ... Patience is vital …
#2. BECAUSE OUR DIFFERENCES CREATE MISUNDERSTANDINGS.
Ya see, because we are different …
because none of us are alike …
& that creates misunderstandings.
- often we just can’t figure each other out.
we don’t know where other people are coming from.
I Cor. 2:11(LB) says:
"no one can really know what anyone else is thinking or what he is really like,
except that person himself."
Please circle: "no one".
Nobody can understand my wife/husband. ...
If you had my boss you couldn’t figure him out either!" …
?> Have you used any of these phrases in the last thirty days?:
I just don’t understand, … why does he act that way ?!
She doesn’t understand me.
He’s on a totally different wave length – maybe even a different planet !
She doesn’t make any sense.
- why … does “different” scare you so much ??
My parents are from another time zone.
How can you think that way ?...
Why do I have to tell you 48 times before you do it?
Why won’t you talk to me ?...
Why do you get so emotional?
?> Can you relate to any of these ?
I know of one wife, who said to her husband:
"I know you think you understand what you thought I said but I’m not sure you’re
aware that what you heard is not what I meant."
Ya know … we have tough times !!
… because we’re different we have misunderstandings !
I Thessalonians 5:14, says: "Be patient with everyone."
Now, ?> How can I be patient with everybody ?...
The reason we’re impatient with other people ... is,
that impatience comes from misunderstanding
& misunderstanding comes from four basic…
but wrong assumptions:
Wrong assumption #1:
That words mean the same thing to different people. They don’t !
they can mean totally different things. The five hundred most
used words in the English language have 14,000 different
definitions. Some of those words have over 100 different
meanings. When you say one thing, and you expect other
people to understand it, - it doesn’t mean that at all –
because sometimes we interpret statements in ways
that are totally foreign to their original intent !
Wrong assumption #2:
There is only one right way to see things. That’s not true either !
in your logical moments you know that’s not true.
Wrong assumption #3:
That my way is the right way to see it. I mean, there wouldn’t be any
problem if you’d just get on my wavelength. My side of the
argument is clear, your side is confusing. My side of the issue is
logical, your side is irrational. My frustration is justified,
yours is unwarranted. My side of the conversation makes
perfect sense, your side - the lights are on but nobody’s home.
if you would get your act together, then we’d not have
any problems.
Wrong assumption #4:
That I can figure out your motives. … eeeh !!! … you can’t !
People are motivated differently. I can’t figure out my own motives
-- why I do what I do. I can’t figure out me, so then,
?> how can I assume I can figure out somebody else ?...
You can’t !
Paul says, "Be patient with everyone". That’s impossible !
I think it was general superintendent, Dr. Edward Lawlor, who said (years ago) :
to dwell above, with those we love, oh won’t that be glory …
but to dwell below, with those we know – well, that’s a different story.
So, ?> how do we do that ? … because God commands it !
he doesn’t say: "I suggest you be patient with everybody."
he says: "Do it. Be patient with everybody."
And God never tells us to do something
without showing us how to do it
and giving us the ability to be obedient !!
So … in your notes …
how to be more patient with people
#1. REMEMBER HOW PATIENT GOD IS WITH ME.
You will never have to be more patient with anybody else
than God has been with you !
In 1 Tim. 1:16, the apostle Paul writes:
"I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst sinner, Christ might display
his unlimited patience."
Paul is saying: God chose me ! -- but think about it: he was a murderer.
he participated in the murder of Stephen. He was a fanatic. But he said:
God turned me around – he transformed me … just to show,
just to demonstrate - his unlimited patience.
The next time you say to your kids, "grow up!"
- remember God wants to say that to you !
Or when you want to say, "Kids, hurry up! Why is it taking so long?"
- God wants to say that to you a lot of times:
?> why aren’t you getting with the action, getting in gear ?
?> why isn’t your life maturing ? ?> why aren’t you cleaning up your language ?
?> why are you still so weak in your faith ? ?> why don’t you read & study my
word? - you’re still like babes craving milk … you ought to be chewing on the
meat in the word of God … why are you still so immature ?
On & on & on …
listen: almighty God is extremely patient with us !!
Romans 15:7, we are instructed:
"Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you."
The motive: the reason I am to accept other people
is because God has accepted me !
the reason I am to be patient with other people
is that God is patient with me !
the reason I am to try to get along with others
is that God gets along with me !
The starting point is to remember how patient God is with me !
#2. LEARN BY LISTENING.
Many of us need to develop the discipline of listening more and
talking less ! …
that is why God gave us two ears and only one mouth !
Proverbs 19:11: "A man’s wisdom gives him patience."
Proverbs 14:29: "A patient man has great understanding."
Please circle the words: "wisdom" and "understanding".
If you want to learn to be patient, more patient,
the key is understanding !
The Bible says the key to patience is understanding.
making the conscious effort to try to listen from the other
person’s perspective; to try to understand where they are
coming from, and why …
The more wisdom you have;
the more understanding you have, of another person;
the more patient you are going to be with them.
If you don’t understand them, you won’t be patient with them.
If you don’t understand them, you’re not going to have a
relationship - because all relationships are based on
understanding. If I don’t understand you or you don’t
understand me, what kind of relationship can we have ?
That’s the foundation point: no understanding -- no relationship.
Understanding is what you build the foundation on.
misunderstanding is what destroys the relationship.
You get understanding from wisdom
and wisdom is gained by studying the Bible;
I.e.: looking at what God says about your particular issue;
seeking godly counsel
and listening to the voice of God in prayer !!
Now listen:
One of the deepest needs for every one of us …
is to be understood. !
Paul Tournier, a Swiss psychiatrist said:
"no one can fully develop in this world and find a full life without feeling
understood by at least one person. No one comes to know himself through
introspection or in the solitude of his personal diary. Rather, it is in dialogue with
and his meeting with, other people."
We figure out who we are and who God made us to be
– in relationship !!
That is why they are so important !!
… We really do need each other !!
But, ?> How can I better understand the people I’m impatient with ?...
If I understand them better, then I’ll be more patient with them.
when I understand that the people who are hurting me are
themselves hurting; and I understand why they are hurting
it helps me be more patient with them.
because behind anger is hurt.
When someone gets angry at me, if I can look behind that
and see their hurt, then I can be more patient with them.
?> How can I become better understanding of the people in my life?
By listening to them. - and not by just hearing them,
but by listening to them !
Proverbs 18:13:
"Listen before you answer. If you don’t you are being stupid and insulting."
Now, that is pretty clear !
Don’t evaluate what they do or what you hear … until …
you’ve heard it all !
In our society …
We have become so insensitive to people; we cut them off before
they can finish their thought; we get impatient and we speak
when we should be listening, and our insensitivity intensifies
the stress of the effort to communicate and understand …
so we always need to remember:
God gave us two ears and one mouth
so that we would listen more and speak less !!
I read about the bullfrog … and learned an insightful truth.
Did you know:
God made the bullfrog with a muscle that sends a vibration to its brain that cancels out the croaking sound. So, when a bullfrog croaks,
he can’t hear it himself. The two vibrations cancel each other out. He can’t hear the obnoxious sound he’s making. Every time he croaks, his brain cancels it out.
And here’s the principle: it’s hard to listen with an open mouth!
A young man came to Socrates to have him teach him how to become an orator. He was talking incessantly, constantly talking. Socrates finally just put his hand over his mouth, and said: "I’m going to have to charge you a double fee. I’m going to have to teach you two sciences. First, the science of holding your tongue and second, the science of using it correctly."
So …
?> How would you rate as a listener ?... On a scale of 1 – 10
Now listen:
most of us think we’re pretty good listeners;
and most of us rate ourselves much higher …
than those we communicate with would rate us!
We may be good hearers
but that doesn’t mean we’re good listeners.
I read of a guy who decided to do an unscientific survey at a wedding just to prove that nobody listens. He went down the receiving line, gave each person a warm, genuine smile and softly said, "the alligators are loose." he said every single person just gave him a warm smile, looked back, and said, "thank you." one lady even said, "oh, you really think so ? I made them myself."
Research has shown that only 7% of the meaning of what you say
is communicated in words.
-- I.e. The words you use
43% of that meaning comes from how you say it
-- vocal tone, pitch, volume, delivery.
The remaining 50% of the meaning is contained in non verbal
language -- facial expression, hand gestures, body language.
That’s why when you’re on the phone it’s only 50% effective !
you can’t see what the other person is communicating
through their body language.
That’s why e-mail is such a non-effective means of proper
communcation … it just gets at the facts – but doesn’t convey
the intentions of the heart … the sincerity or the lack of it.
What that means is:
your eyes are as important to listening as your ears !
Husbands, ?> has your wife ever said to you:
"why don’t you look at me when we talk.
come out from behind that newspaper/magazine."
She has a point !
your eyes are as important as your ears in communication
because only 7% of effective communication is your words.
if we care … we have to learn to listen !!
#3. IS: MAKE ALLOWANCES FOR EACH OTHER.
Everybody has bad days.
We’re all flaky from time to time.
and for some … it is affected by the time of day; week; or month.
For example:
9 times out of 10, Robin knows that on Monday morning, … I’m
usually washed out; I’m drained from the emotional energies
I exerted on Sunday. I’m drained from talking to people,
dealing with them one on one,
feeling the emotional hurt of their burdens.
Not only my family, but the ministry team understands that sometimes on Fridays … I’m can be a little touchy because of: PMS
- pre message syndrome.
Fridays are usually higher stress days …
because it is the final deadline to make sure everything is ready
for the weekend services … and if my message is not ready;
if I don’t feel like it is “clicking” … the stress shows …
Point is:
we all have bad days, it’s just a fact of life.
Sometimes you don’t want to get near me with a 10 foot pole.
and visa versa.
But the Bible teaches that truly loving people means
making allowances for each other.
Look, please at these verses:
Eph. 4:2 (LB): "Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults,
because of your love."
Proverbs 12:16 (GN) says: "Smart people will ignore an insult."
We all have bad days; we’re all a little crazy; and …
we need to make allowances for people.
#4. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Now this one is not new. This is the golden rule.
"always treat others as you’d like them to treat you."
- Matt. 7:12 (lb)
That single verse could save most marriages.
that single principle could improve most relationships.
that single practice could transform our communities !!
this is easy to understand … but difficult to practice !
If we could … it would quickly do away with many ‘social ills’ !!...
& it would greatly reduce the divorce rate in America today !
Treat others the way we would like to be treated !
Look at this next verse:
Philippians 2:4-5 (PH):
"None of you should think only of his own affairs. Consider other’s interests also.
let your attitude toward life be that of Jesus Christ."
That is teaching us to pay attention to the needs of other people !
Look. Listen. Discover what they’re interested in.
?> Could you name the top four or five interests
of every member of your family ?
?> How about of your small group ??
Sometimes we get so preoccupied with ourselves
and we get so caught up in our own little world;
and typically those are the ones with the least amount of
close, personal, deep friendships !!
If you want to have close friends
you must first learn to be a close friend !!
The Bible says, look out for other people’s interests.
the word in Greek is scopos -- like telescope – which teaches us
that we should be aware of, the interests & desires of others !
I’ve said often:
if you care you’ll be aware !
be considerate !
A study I read recently said
that most divorces occur because people lack the awareness
not the skills, to meet each other’s needs.
In other words:
often times they have the skills, they’re just not aware
– they are totally un-aware! They are consumed with self !
And ladies and gentlemen … that has been the problem since the fall !!
it’s simply taken research centuries to recognize it !!
But that is why we need to spend some time on this material !!
?> Is it easy to think of things from other people’s viewpoint ?
no !
It’s not normal; it’s not natural for human beings
and it is certainly not easy !
It takes intentional effort !!
it takes God’s intervention !!
Normally we just see things from our perspective.
we react to statements or incidents … from how it affects us !!
Our first, natural, common reaction is:
?> what does this do to me !?
To think about other people, requires intentional effort !
to patiently try to see why others are responding … the way
they are responding … can be very difficult and arduous …
it requires emotional energy and verbal discipline …
but it is indeed what God asks us to do …
… especially in the community called:
the church of Jesus Christ !
And it is the key to good relationships !
Now, the real secret of patience, is found in Philippians 2:5:
“Your attitude, should be the same as that of Christ Jesus …” (NIV)
That is the real secret of patience !
it is not natural for you to be patient with everyone.
it takes God’s power in your life !
it takes trying to see people and circumstances …
from God’s perspective !
it takes practicing the attitude of Christ !!
And you need God’s enablement to do that … because …
This week, whether at work, school, grocery store, wherever …
you’re going to meet some real jerks.
God says be patient with everybody.
?> how can you be patient with everybody ?...
by having the attitude of Jesus Christ !
Only with Jesus Christ in your life
can you treat people the way he did !
Patience … is a part of the manifestation of the fruit of the Spirit.
You must be living in the power of the Holy Spirit;
not in the limited strength of the flesh !!
And let me just let you in on a little secret:
We cannot “judge” others … and be patient toward them at the
same time !! … one cancels out the other !!
You see,
true patience is inspired by mercy
and it is devoid of any condemnation !!
it is also inspired by love …
… and I mean the type of love, that is the real; “gut-wrenching”
burden or concern for one’s errors … love that is so real,
that when you see someone living in error
– it literally greives you !!
And listen:
This type of deep love … is often times misunderstood or confused:
that is one reason it is so grievous … because it is often
confused with judgmentalism or condemnation …
But that is not it at all … if you are truly patient with someone …
your motivation is pure – and in love, the mercy will come through
as you hold them accountable and plead with them to change
their ways – because of where it will lead them !!
That type of patience … is borne out of mercy & forgiveness & sincere love … and one reason it grieves you so – is because out of love – you are compelled; you must confront
the error of another person’s ways !!
But that is the secret of patience.
Permit me to read to you an anonymous letter – which I normally would not do, but what a praise – so I want you to hear it :
God has restored a marriage and rekindled a love that was virtually dead. God had to break, bend, and finally remold me so that I would be ready when God began a work in my husband’s life. Several years ago I sat in the last row and I thought you surely were talking to me as you told of Jesus’ love and hope for the despairing. As my tears quietly fell, I found God’s loving forgiveness and real hope and strength. I went home that day - to a husband who worked constantly, drank heavily and was emotionally hurting. But this time Jesus came too. You’ll never know the strength that God gave me over the months that followed. I wanted to run away and start over but I stayed and stayed and let God begin his work of changing me. I stopped praying for God to fix my marriage and husband and started asking him to change me. Through the pain God sheltered me. Three years later, God removed from my husband a desire for alcohol and he did it overnight. That is when I decided to get off the fence and commit every area of my life to Christ. I gave him all those areas I’d stubbornly held on to. I said, "God, whatever it takes to bring me close to you, you do it. I’m going to stay in this marriage and let you work your will in my life. Three months later, in God’s timing, my husband accepted Jesus Christ as his savior. Talk about an answer to prayer! I’m married to a brand new man, one who loves God and wants our family to live according to God’s will. You’ve said on so many occasions how God can rekindle a dead love. My husband and I are proof of God’s caring, his power and his ability to change hearts and bring to life a dead relationship. I love my husband now more than ever. Our priorities in the family are straight. God is first. God is so faithful in restoring the years that the locusts had eaten. He’s been wonderful to us. Now, our son prays, "Thank you, Jesus, for coming in to my daddy’s heart and making him nice to me and not mean. I love my daddy." As a family we now anticipate growing in the Lord Jesus, participating and fellowshipping and being an encouragement of love to other people.
That is the power of patience!
Instead of saying,
"God, change those people who are irritating my life”
you pray:
“Lord, start working on me and my attitude."
Because once he has transformed your heart & attitude;
he can go to work on other people …
… and you will have the patient endurance …
to stay the course with them – patiently encouraging
them … correcting them in love … urging them
to move up to the next level …
… all for the glory of God !!
Now please listen to your pastor:
You can’t live that way … without a transformation
of your life, from the holy spirit !!
To exercise that kind of patience;
to demonstrate that kind of love;
you must have the power of the holy spirit flowing through
you and living in you …
… you need to be sold out and surrendered
to Jesus Christ !!
So if you are struggling at home;
if you are struggling in your relationships …
at work; at school; w/your neighbors; where-ever …
The question I ask of you is this:
?> can they see Jesus Christ living in you ??
Now listen:
If there is any area in our lives … where I dare say …
everyone of us could use prayer …
it is in this area of: patience !!
And you can’t live this way
you can’t love this way …
without the help of almighty God !!
So I ask you to stand with me and please bow your heads …
These altars are open for your benefit;
There is no condemnation here … we are all journeying together, trying to reach the goal of becoming more “Christ-like” …
Trying to extend “The Grace Card” more regularly in our lives …
and all of us struggle with loving patience …
That is why we need to go to God in prayer …
And if you would simply say:
Lord, I need a fresh anointing in this area. I need your strength and enablement.
help me to be able to listen better; help me to gain a more proper understanding
of others … to see things from their perspective … to understand their hurts & hang
ups; help me to be more loving to others and more patient with them …
If you would acknowledge that …
and this is an area where we all struggle in …
then I would invite you to come forward … kneel around these
altars and front rows … as we close in prayer together …
asking God to shine his love & grace, through us !! …
Would you come forward … would you be obedient … as we sing this together ? …
[altar appeal]
I just believe … we need to be a people … willing to seek God’s heart … willing to be filled up with his love … so that we can share that love with others …
Please come forward … don’t be afraid of kneeling before his throne as together we corporately seek his help and his enablement …
Prayer:
As we close, I want you to think of that person you find difficult to love, who irritates and bothers you. Or the people you do love but you’re still impatient with.
?> Do you have a short fuse ?
?> Would you say in your heart :
"Lord, help me to remember how patient you are with me. Help me to learn about the
people I want relationships with by listening to them. Help me to make allowances
for other people because of your love. Help me this week to treat other people the
way I’d like to be treated."
Consider committing in your heart:
"Lord, I’m going to make time this week to really listen to those I want to build a great relationship with. Help me to listen with my eyes – as well as my ears.
I want to commit to some un-hurried moments each day with those individuals
that I’m having a hard time loving."
Finally, would you quietly ask the question:
“Lord, is my heart right with you? Is my relationship with you where it needs to be?
if not Lord, show me in my heart, where / how I am grieving you … I want to be
totally surrendered to you … and I ask you to love others through me …”
As you are talking with God silently … let’s talk with him together … in prayer:
closing prayer
