The Weight of Forgiveness
February 21, 2010
Can you believe for the past 8 weeks we have looked at only 2 very relevant topics. We’ve looked at anger for 4 weeks, and now we are on week 4 of forgiveness. You won’t want to miss next week’s conclusion to the series. It’s not that we’re going to do something entertaining, but it has the potential to be a very spiritual worship experience. That’s all I can say about it for now.
One thing you will learn about forgiveness is the fact that you may think you have worked through the process of forgiveness, feel at peace; and the universe is all good, then BOOM!! You have to work through it all over again. It’s not a whole lot of fun, but if we work the process we’ll be better off in the long run.
There’s two things I want to accomplish this morning. This first is to answer some questions that people gave me over the past week. After that, I want to look at some words from Jesus what we call The Lord’s Prayer.
So, strap in, and here we go. The people who asked me questions gave me permission to anonymously use their questions during this message. I will answer them in no special order, it’s just the way they were listed on my paper.
1. You mentioned Sunday that sometimes you need to end a relationship if someone continues to hurt you. What about when it is family or a spouse?
WOW!! What a tough, but great question. What do we do when someone continues to hurt us, but they’re family?! I’ve lived through that. Firstly, we need to be healthy ~ emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and physically. So, I would ask “are you taking care of yourself in the 4 aspects of your being?” That’s so important and one we often neglect.
Secondly, you need to determine the severity of the offense the other person has committed against you. By that, I mean have they hurt you physically or emotionally; or possibly financially? If it is a severe type of hurt and you aren’t living with that person, then you must set up boundaries which will protect you from getting hurt. Boundaries are not easy to set up, and once we do, we will realize that we don’t hold to them very well. It takes practice, determination, courage and lots of prayer. And let me add, prayer is involved in all of this. Pray for strength, pray God will give you wisdom and courage to honor and glorify Him with what you need to do to be healthy.
Thirdly, determine in what situations they hurt you. Do they hurt you in family gatherings, or is it when you call them, how does it occur? If it’s in family gatherings, don’t go. I know that sounds rash, but it’s for your protection, so don’t go. Don’t invite them over to your home.
If it’s a parent or a child, then can you set up healthy boundaries so this person can’t hurt you? For example, limit your telephone calls to the person; and when you talk to them, limit the amount of information you share with them. Make the call more generic in nature, don’t share your personal life. That may hurt, but it’s a way to protect your heart and spirit.
Lastly and this leads into a discussion if it is your spouse . . . you need to talk to that person. Determine what method works for talking to them. Can you be direct or will it go over their head. Do you need to tell them a story so they get what you are saying? I’m pretty blunt and prefer someone else to be blunt with me. I won’t understand a story, but for some people that’s the best way to communicate with them.
When it’s your spouse, you need to resolve the issue, as best as you can. That means you don’t brow beat them, you talk to them. Maybe you write a letter expressing your feelings and thoughts. Remember they are your thoughts and feelings, you own them. Nobody can diss them. If you haven’t approached this topic with them, then start out gently, they may not be aware of what they’re doing. So, this may shock them. Now, if this is an ongoing situation, you may need to talk to a professional Christian counselor, or someone you trust who can give you a little perspective on what is happening. And you need to do this together. Coming for counseling should be completed as a couple.
2. What should we do if someone won’t forgive us? How do you get over the guilt?
These aren’t easy, are they? Okay, you know you’ve done something to hurt someone else. You realize what you’ve done and you ask them to forgive you. You practice what you’re going to say, you pour your heart out to that person, it’s one of the most genuine moments in your life. You sense the presence and power of the Holy Spirit; it’s so wonderfully powerful and intimate. The person you hurt looks at you; and they don’t get it. They basically tell you to take a hike. “No way can I forgive you! Do you know what I’ve gone through because of you?” UGH!!
What I say next may sound somewhat trite . . . but we’ve done our part. To move beyond this moment in time I would add the best thing we can do is to pray . . .
1. Pray and ask God to forgive what you’ve done and trust and believe that He has forgiven you. Pour your heart out to God. Read Psalm 51 and mirror your prayer like David’s prayer of repentance for his affair with Bathsheba. Ask God to cleanse you so you can once again experience the presence of God in your life. Catch these words from David towards the end of the Psalm,
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Friends, that is how God wants us to come to Him. Come broken, come humbled and you will find rest for your weary soul.
So, make your prayer real, make it very personal between you and God. And remember that great passage we’ve talked about so many times from 1 John 1:9. . .
9If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Remember, God does not want to condemn you. He wants to be in a relationship with you which is filled with His power, glory, love and courage.
Pray about the person who will not forgive you. Ask God to help them to take down their heart of stone, the wall they’ve built to protect themselves. Commit yourself to daily prayer for that person. Often times there is more going on then we understand, so pray for them.
If you’ve prayed to God and asked Him to forgive you; and you have asked the person you hurt to forgive you, there is not much more you can do to help them forgive you. In fact, the more you push the issue, the worst it becomes, the more they will struggle to forgive you. So, as much as it may consume you, back off, give that person space and let them come to the point of forgiveness because God’s Spirit has changed their heart. Then . . . celebrate.
3. The next part of the question was,
How do you get over the guilt?
I believe part of getting over the guilt comes in looking at the situation differently. It means you work on the process of forgiving yourself.
That may be one of the most difficult aspect of forgiveness. God has promised us He will forgive us and remember our sins no more. Someone else may forgive us, but we remain haunted by our actions. I really believe prayer is the key remedy. When you pray about this, give the burden to God. Don’t keep it, don’t give it to God, then take it back. Give it to God. God can handle it, you can’t. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
Part of the answer comes in the passage of time. Time can be a great healer. God doesn’t want you to be burdened with guilt and personal unforgiveness. We need to release the action we committed which caused the pain. You know you’ve forgiven yourself when you look back at the incident and you don’t feel the pain and anguish any longer. In the process of getting over the guilt and not forgiving yourself, be near people who are upbeat and positive. This will also help you.
But as I’ve said in past weeks, forgiveness is a process and for major incidents, it doesn’t happen overnight, that is, your forgiveness of others and your forgiveness of yourself.
4. When we really don't want to forgive or we want justice instead of mercy, when emotional "cancer" is eating at us, and it just seems too hard to forgive - if it is done in obedience to God's Word - nothing from the heart - then are we released by God and He takes over?
That’s a tough and great question, too. This may not be what you want to hear, but I don’t believe we are released until we forgive from our hearts. This is what Jesus was getting at in Matthew 18:35. Jesus said, 35This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.
In this passage Jesus easily could have said we should forgive, but here he adds, “from your heart.” This is because your heart is the center of your being. It is the point in which all of life flows through you. We process life through our heart, even when others don’t think so. When we forgive from our heart, we have freed that person and ourselves.
Yet, in this question, I do believe that being obedient to God will lead you to the point of releasing that person and yourself; and you will forgive that person from your heart. If you are in a relationship with God in which you continually seek His wisdom, courage, power, and love; then I believe you will get to the point where you forgive from your heart.
It’s the same with faith in God, if we don’t have our heart in it, then we have not really embraced Christ. This is why Paul refers to the heart in Romans 10:9 ~
. . . if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
We are called to love God with our heart first, to love our neighbor with our heart, and to forgive one another, as well, with our heart.
The last question I will address is . . .
4. What about the need to hear the words, “I forgive you?”
In all of the talking I have done about forgiveness, I have been so focused on our working through the forgiveness process, that I have not spoken about the need to hear another person proclaim, “I forgive you!”
When someone comes to you and asks you to forgive them, and you do forgive them, then please, please, please, release them. Often times the source of our inability to forgive ourselves comes when we believe we haven’t been forgiven. It is freeing to hear someone sincerely tell us, “I forgive you.” So, when someone comes to you and asks, even if you tell them, you’re working through the process, when you do forgive the person, tell them.
Not only does that help the person receiving forgiveness, it often helps the forgiver. It may help bring about reconciliation which is so fantastic. It can also work as a mirror in our relationship with God; as He forgives us when we ask from the heart.
Those are the questions, asked, now I want to end with an important point which we receive from the words of Jesus in the Lord’s prayer.
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We forgive, because God has forgiven us. That’s the ultimate forgiveness. We forgive because God commands it; and we forgive because it is good for our heart, soul, mind and body; and it is good for those whom we proclaim, “I forgive you!”
Because when you do not, and will not and cannot forgive it weighs you down. In fact, I’d like to illustrate that. I would like someone who is big and strong to volunteer to come up here and help me. CALL UP CARSON!!
Carson has volunteered to help me out. As you can see, Carson is strong, but he has a problem with forgiveness. He can’t forgive people. So, I’m going to put these rocks in his hand to symbolize his unforgiveness. Let’s see what happens as I keep talking. Carson, stand there, smile and hold those rocks.
Now, let’s look at the Lord’s Prayer.Jesus said, “Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” On the surface it sounds pretty basic, Lord, forgive us, and we will forgive others! End of the story. But, in all of His genius, Jesus wants us to go a step further. He wants us to look deep, really deep into ourselves and fully grasp what kind of forgiveness He is talking about.
When we hear this phrase, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” . . . This is what I really believe Jesus wants from us . . . and I am going to say this passage in the Deutsch Version of the Bible ~
Jesus, I want you to forgive me in the exact
same way I forgive those who hurt me.
Have you ever thought about forgiveness in those terms? It’s radical, and it’s Jesus’ way.
Aren’t we telling Jesus, Jesus I want you to forgive me, but don’t do me any special favors, just forgive me of my sins, in the same way that I forgive those who sin against me?
It takes unforgiveness and forgiveness to new and greater heights and depths. You see, if you and I refuse to forgive someone, then we are essentially saying to God, don’t forgive me either. I don’t think we want to say that to our God, do we?
That is why Jesus gave us that haunting statement immediately after the Lord’s Prayer. He tells us in Matthew 6:14-15, “14 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
It’s a haunting scripture because if we really want to experience the full power of God’s forgiveness, then we are also called to forgive. What did Christ offer us on the cross? Forgiveness . . . radical and complete forgiveness. Christ knew what was coming when He made this statement. He knew He would suffer and die on the cross, so we could experience forgiveness from the God of all creation.
So . . . how are we supposed to forgive? Just the way Paul described it in Colossians 3:13 ~ “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” In other words, we want the Lord to forgive us, fully and completely, not a little bit of forgiveness, no matter what we’ve done, right? Since we want the Lord to forgive us, fully and completely, that is exactly what the Lord expects of us, when others come into our lives and whether it be intentional or accidental; and hurt us. God wants us to go through the process, as we talked about last week, and come to that event, where we can say, “I forgive!”
We forgive, because God has forgiven us. That’s the ultimate forgiveness. We forgive because God commands it; and we forgive because it is good for our heart, soul, mind and body; and it is good for those whom we proclaim, “I forgive you!”
Because when you do not, and will not and cannot forgive it weighs you down. In fact, I’d like to illustrate that. I would like someone who is big and strong to volunteer to come up here and help me.
Let’s check back in with Carson. How are you doing? You see, unforgiveness is weighing Carson down. But it didn’t start out that way. You see, when we don’t forgive, it’s like adding these rocks onto our heart, soul, mind and body. It’s not too big a deal at first, but it adds up over time.
In fact, right now Carson could carry on a conversation with me, couldn’t you?
Now, when we don’t forgive, it becomes easier and easier to not forgive and it weighs you down even more. So, we are going to add something a little heavier. But because Carson is really, really stubborn, he refuses to forgive, even though it’s hurting him.
At this point I don’t think I can have a pleasant conversation with Carson. He cannot talk to his family and tell them how wonderful they are. In fact, prayer is pretty tough right now. You see, Carson is consumed with this forgiveness thing.
So, I would ask mom and dad to come up here. Come on up and help.
Because you see, we don’t need to go through unforgiveness and forgiveness on our own. This is where the body of Christ comes in. We’re here for one another. You see, we aren’t going to hold Carson’s arms in the air and force him to continue in the sin of unforgiveness, instead because we love him, we are going to help lighten his load.
Isn’t that what the church is about, forming deep, intimate community? Now that we have helped Carson release himself from the bondage of unforgiveness, how do your arms feel? MUCH BETTER!
In fact, Carson, lift your arms now. Did they feel heavy or light? LIGHTER!
Excellent! That is what forgiveness does for us. It releases the weight and burden we carry wherever we go. God’s call for us is to practice loving, yet radical forgiveness of our brothers and sisters. Sometimes it takes awhile, but the point is to work through the process until we come to that point in time when we are released from carrying the weight of unforgiveness.
Friends, is there someone you need to forgive, someone in this room, right here, right now? Is there a family member, a co-worker, a friend? The choice is always yours. You can be unforgiving and let it weigh you down - - - or you can work the process of forgiveness and let it go, and experience physical, emotional and most especially spiritual relief from our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Let us pray.
