INTRODUCTION
Our growth (physically, intellectually, spiritually etc), up to the age of about 25 can be likened to drinking from a fire hydrant. We get twelve years of formal education, maybe some tertiary study or an apprenticeship, and then there’s all the life experiences we get outside that. When our kids come along we read everything about parenting and all of that is a very steep learning curve. But from there on it’s almost as if the growth-tap is turned off and our learning and development is reduced to a trickle, if not stopping completely!
But the thing is this world may expect you to stop growing, to settle down and atrophy, but God doesn’t expect that. God is in the renewal business. God is the Creator and he didn’t stop creating you when you were born or at your graduation. He’s still at it.
And one of the primary ways God grows us is through tests and challenges. So as we look at this middle season of life, what are some of the tests we face in the middle years and how ought we navigate them?
1. MARRIAGE
If we’re married then we can be sure that it will be tested.
Our culture seems to place a high value on the euphoria of young love but when it comes to marriage in the middle years the popular press doesn’t paint such a bright picture. I read an article this week about a couple who chose not to celebrate they 25th wedding anniversary with a party because they felt like it was rubbing it in the face of friends and family who hadn’t made it that far!
There are enormous challenges that face a couple in their middle years. So what do we do? Well the Lord loves you and he wants you to have a rock solid, satisfying and sometimes even a happy marriage. He wants to be honoured in your marriage and so he has given us a couple of pointers.
a) Get Real
The Bible never ducks around reality. Instead it encourages us to face up to the hard facts of life. Colossians 2 says …
… reality, however, is found in Christ (Colossians 2:17)
And one of life’s hard facts is that midlife marriages experience great stress because of the season of life we are in. Think about it, Midlife mums are either older mums with little kids (which is exhausting). Or they are raising teens (which apparently is even more exhausting), and in amongst that they have probably returned to work. And Midlife Dad’s are usually at the pinnacle of their career (which is stressful), while at the same time they’re paying for graduations, cars, Uni, or weddings (which is all expensively exhausting!). For some we can add to the mix the increased pressure that comes from health issues such as a mid-life crisis or menopause. And others have the stress of managing a prodigal son or daughter whose lives have just gone nuts. In all of that, it’s not uncommon for romance to die and a desire to escape to rear its head. The point is, if you’re facing that kind of scenario, you’re not alone. Most married couples face these same stresses. That’s the reality the question is what are you going to do about your situation?
b) Get a new perspective
The Bible encourages us to get a new perspective on the situation. We need to stop seeing our marriage from our worldly perspective and see it as God sees it. Psalm 128 says …
How happy are those who fear the LORD -- all who follow his ways! 2 You will enjoy the fruit of your labor. How happy you will be! How rich your life! 3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine, flourishing within your home. And look at all those children! There they sit around your table as vigorous and healthy as young olive trees. 4 That is the LORD’s reward for those who fear him (Psalm 128:1-4).
The key in this Psalm is the “fear of God,” and that simply means that if we respect his advice and we honour him by following his commands then our homes/families will be fruitful places, flourishing, vigorous and healthy.
Let’s take stock of how we’re viewing our marriage. Are we seeing it from our own worldly perspective? Are we trying to go it alone in our marriage and family? Or are we committed to following the ways for the Lord in our homes? Only you and the Lord know the answer to that one. The Lord wants to bless you, but we must follow his ways.
c) Get help
We live in a world that tells you every day how odd you are to stay married long term and so we need to surround ourselves with people who are going to encourage us to live for Christ in our homes. The Bible says …
… let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching (Hebrews 10:24-25)
On a few occasions my wife and I have sought out the wisdom of mature Christian people concerning our marriage. You see, we’ve never done this before and so we’ve sought the help of those who have walked this road before. There’s no shame in that.
God sends us many tests in the middle years of marriage and to help us pass them we have to get real, get perspective and get help.
2. PARENTING
Marriage is one area where God tests us in the middle years, parenting is another. And our role changes in these years. As a young parent you were spending most of your time teaching your children how to live. But now they’re teenagers, or they’re about to be, and your job description has changed. You’re not a teacher so much anymore, you’re a coach.
a) Coaching teen children
The Bible says …
… encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness (Hebrews 3:13)
That’s your role as the parent of a teenager; to encourage daily. To coach them. Our expectations of our children change when they become teenagers don’t they? We expect them to be more responsible etc. But have we changed the way we parent them? Or are we still treating them like children? Are we handing authority over to them appropriately? We expect a change in the child but there should also be a change in the parent. Ephesians 6:4 says …
And now a word to you parents. Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice (Ephesians 6:4).
One of the tests the Lord has for us in the middle years is, are we willing to change the way we parent our teens?
b) The empty nest
Perhaps an even greater test is the empty nest. The children leave home and once again, you are expected to change the way you parent your children. You may wonder if your children still need you – and the answer is “Yes they do.” You may wonder if your life’s work is done or if you have fulfilled your purpose or even your usefulness – the answer is “You are still desperately needed.” And the Bible tells us why …
O God, you have taught me from my earliest childhood, and I have constantly told others about the wonderful things you do. Now that I am old and gray, do not abandon me, O God. Let me proclaim your power to this new generation, your mighty miracles to all who come after me (Psalm 71:17-18).
Your children may not need your food and your shelter, but they still need you to point the way, to give counsel, to share your wisdom and your faith and to help them navigate the emotional and spiritual stresses they’re going to face throughout their lives. Once again, the test here is, are you willing to change again. You’re not going to be the teacher. You’re not going to be the coach. You’re going to need to become a friend who comes alongside. Timothy gives us the Lord’s instruction about how adult children and parents ought to relate to one another. He says …
Never speak harshly to an older man, but appeal to him respectfully as though he were your own father. Talk to the younger men as you would to your own brothers. Treat the older women as you would your mother, and treat the younger women with all purity as your own sisters (1 Timothy 5:1-2)
These are some of the unique tests God has for us in the middle years; He will test us in our marriage if we’re married, and he will test us in our parenting, if we are parents.
3. WORK
Our work is another realm where God tests us. I read a fascinating story this week about the work of Cecil B DeMille, the famous Hollywood film director. He was responsible for a number of famous movies with Biblical themes such as:
The King of Kings (a silent movie with one of the earliest uses of colour film)
The Sign of the Cross
The Crusades
Samson and Delilah
And The Ten Commandments
DeMille was once asked what his finest religious memory was and he related a story from his childhood where he happened to be the only person in the congregation at church; there was the preacher and one solitary child (who was DeMille). Apparently, the preacher wasn’t bothered by the low turnout and he proceeded with the service as if the room was full! He even gave a brief sermon. The time came for the offering and DeMille placed a nickel in the plate, at which the preacher patted him kindly on the head. DeMille later recounted how the preacher’s faith and his kindness had changed him, in fact in his own words he said, “It won my belief and strengthened my faith.” In the same interview he said, “Many of us reach middle age and beyond, with the fear that our lives have been useless, wasted. But is it not possible that we – parents, preachers, teachers, writers, actors, editors, etc – might have deeply influenced a child or grown-up as this minister did for me? Many of us have changed human lives for the better without knowing it.” And this is one of the tests we face in our work once we hit mid-life. You may be 20 or 30 years into your working life and you’re asking – “Is what I’m doing making any difference? Is it valuable? Am I changing lives?” More importantly, we may be asking, “Have I done what the Lord wanted me to do with my life?”
When he hung dying on the cross, Jesus said to his Father …
I glorified you on earth by completing down to the last detail what you assigned me to do (John 17:4)
Have we done that? Have we, in our work, done what the Lord assigned us to do – down to the last detail? You see, part of navigating the repetitive routine and even the boredom of mid-life work is to use your work to the glory of God. Cecil B DeMille did. I’ve already listed several movies he made that were inspired by his faith. He said this … "It was always a battle to get support and backing for Biblical pictures. Producers feared them on the basis that they would not yield enough money to pay the enormous expense involved … However, they more than paid their way in both financial and spiritual benefits."
If you’ve hit midlife and your work has become a bit ho-hum maybe it’s time for you to invite God back into it. Involve God in your work. Pray for the people you work with. Ask God to give you the boldness and opportunity to speak about your faith, to influence their lives for Christ. That should make for some excitement surely?!!
People are spiritually hungry and they want to know what you think and what you believe. And it’s exciting when we pray and God answers our prayer.
4. SOUL
Let me just touch on one more test we might face in the middle years. We’ve talked about marriage. We’ve talked about parenting. We’ve talked about work. But perhaps the most important test a Christian could possibly face in midlife happens at the core of our soul. It looks something like this … Just when you thought you had God sussed out - - the mat is whipped out from under you. You might feel distant from God. You might sense the silence of God. You might experience God in ways that just don’t match your childhood understanding (i.e. God stops playing by your rules). All of the sudden you find that following God is less effective as it once was and your faith might become dull.
This is such a common experience that it actually has a name. It is called the dark night of the soul.
You may experience a sense of dryness in your spirit; aloneness even lostness. You’re restless. Sometimes this kind of experience is brought about because we’re living in blatant sin. I’m not talking about that. The answer to that is simply to do whatever it takes to get out of the sin. But this dark night of the soul can hit even those who are chasing hard after God. Isaiah talks about such a person i.e. someone who is faithfully following the Lord but experiences this dark night of the soul. He says …
Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God (Isaiah 50:10).
The point Isaiah is making is that it is possible to fear, obey, trust and rely upon the Lord and still “walk in darkness and have no light.” i.e. we are living obediently, but we’ve entered the dark night of the soul. There are several temptations that can face us at this point:
Some will simply walk away from the faith claiming that God is not real to them anymore.
Some may church hop looking for that elusive “deeper” experience.
Some might even find a new god – the god of self-indulgence. You see, some believe that if we are good to God then he is obligated to be good to us – here, NOW! And if God has stopped rewarding us – then we will go and find a god that will reward us in the here and now.
You’ve sacrificed to God all your life – you’ve given years to him in faithful service and church attendance - - and we have this thing in our head that says that if we do all the right things to please God that he will reward us. And when he doesn’t (In the way we think he should), we get put out. Well, let me just say, Jesus was chasing hard after God and his reward in this life was a cross!
Friends, the dark night of the soul is a test. God wants to free us from our own self-centred motivations for following him. God is not interested in outward worship and sacrifices – he wants a heart relationship with you. He wants you to stop loving the rewards in this world, so you can start loving him alone. Just when you thought God was distant – and that you were just treading water spiritually, God has been at work shaping you and preparing you for the next part of your journey with him.
WHAT NOW?
These are just some of the challenges we face in the middle years – marriage, parenting, work and our spiritual walk. They are each a test designed to shape us and form us, to grow us. Our growth is not supposed to stop when we graduate from the home or University. God is the Creator and he is still in the process of creating you. Jesus put it this way …
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more (John 15:1)
In this middle season of life, particularly in the second half of it, we are faced with a decision in almost every area of life and that decision is to choose either renewal or resignation. Will we settle in and resign ourselves to life the way it is and so stop growing into the people God created us to be? Or will we choose renewal, a God directed overhaul in almost every area of our lives – will we allow God to prune the fruitful branches of our lives so that we will become even more fruitful?
Resignation or renewal – you choose.
References:
http://www.crosswalk.com/marriage/11572465/page0/
Peale, N.V., "Guideposts." Sidney Press: London
Conway, J., (1978) "Men in Midlife Crisis." Cook Publishing
Foster, R., (1980), "Celebration of Discipline." Hodder: London.
