The photo that was flashed across the country told the heartbreaking story of an American tragedy. A weary fireman held the limp, lifeless body of a little child. The little girl was killed in the bombing of the Federal Building in Oklahoma City in 1995. Her name was Baylee Almon, and she was only one year old. When the bomb exploded, she was with her playmates in the Child Care Center. The blast was so powerful it created a crater thirty feet in diameter.
This little child and so many others never had a chance. Her grieving mother, choked with tears, tried to speak, but the words were few and difficult.
You would think that even the most callous adult would be touched by the death of a child. It all seems so unfair when tragedy claims a child.
We see clearly God’s concern for children and families in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. In that part of the letter known as the domestic code or household code (5:21-6:9), Paul gives specific instructions to children and to parents in 6:1-4. In doing so, he voices God’s affirmation of the family ... children as well as parents.
Make no mistake about it. God is keenly interested in children and in family life. God wants the family to be the true laboratory of life, where family members ... regardless of age ... live, learn, love and grow in the Christian graces.
For this to occur, we need to focus our attention on two primary relationships.
First...
Children’s Commitment to Parents
Context of Paul’s statement: family
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord..." (6:1)
This very first sentence in the instructions to children and parents provides the context for Paul’s exhortation. "Children" and "parents" spell family. Paul is not addressing the church, the public school, or the private school. Rather, he directs his teaching to the home. The home is the primary area where key relationships are born and nurtured.
I often get the impression that some parents send their children to church or school simply to get rid of them. Not only do parents expect to have peace and quiet during this "release time," but they further expect the church and school to compensate for their own parental neglect in helping their children to grow.
I would venture to say that some of the strongest advocates of school prayer probably don’t promote and practice prayer in their home. If they did, they would realize that prayer is deeply personal and that you can pray silently at any time and any place without requiring a constitutional prayer amendment.
One student said,
"As long as we have final exams, we will always have prayer in school.
Focus on both parents
Paul does not limit his words in this passage to the father only. For those who feel that the male is the only spiritual leader in the family, hear what Paul is saying. He speaks of "parents" meaning mother and father (6:1). Both parents must assume responsibility for spiritual nurture of the children. One parent can do his or her best for the child and try to make up for the other’s lack, but one parent cannot provide all the child’s needs. Only joint cooperation and participation can adequately meet the demands of family life.
Children’s response to parents
Paul wrote
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother" (6:1-2).
Children are commanded to obey and honor their parents (both words are imperatives).
The word translated "obey" literally means to hear under. It carries the meaning of to listen or to submit to. Children are instructed to listen to their parents. Why? Because parents are older and wiser and can help children avoid pitfalls along the way. Listening means more than learning words that parents speak. It means following their counsel and wisdom, heeding their advice.
One of the worst memories I have of a spanking did not even involve me. Now don’t be mistaken, I have very vivid memories of being spanked, and paddled, by my father, mother and various and sundry coaches and principles. But one of the worst I remember was when I was a small child. My older brother had stayed out long past dark. We were probably in the second or third grade. That night when my brother showed up, my dad did not spank him. He told him how worried they had been because he did not come in. He told him that every time they heard a siren, they were concerned that he might have been hurt and they were frantic because they didn’t know where he was. He told my brother that every time he heard a siren, my brother would get a spanking. We had just sat down to dinner that night when a siren went off. My dad grabbed his belt, his marine belt ... I never wanted to have anything to do with the marines because every time they were mentioned it was in relation to my dad’s belt. At any rate, he grabbed my brother and hauled him into the next room. We could hear that belt, we could hear my brother yelling, we could hear my dad yelling, mother and I were both crying. That may have been the only time in my life that I did not want to finish eating.
Sometimes experiences like that may not be wonderful, but they do seem to have a lasting effect on children, and may possibly serve to save children’s lives.
Children may protest that parents do not understand their concerns and problems.
I confess that parents are not perfect. They make mistakes from time to time.
But they have come through the school of hard knocks, whose colors are black and blue. They are acquainted with life and know where the land mines are located.
They want to help their children avoid unnecessary problems.
Paul qualifies children’s obedience to parents by declaring that it must be done "in the Lord" (6:1). Parents do not have the unlimited right to expect their children’s compliance to their unreasonable demands. Without this condition, parental demands degenerates into tyranny. Tyrannical parents demands foster child abuse and exploitation. Parental demand must be exercised within the parents’ relationship to God. Such a spiritual context elevates the importance of the child and tempers the parental demand. As a result, obedience is not oppressive but instead produces growth.
Probably the greatest benefit of obedience is not the particular task performed but the respect that the child learns toward authority figures. Rebellious youth and lawless adults basically have not learned how to relate in a healthy manner to authority figures. Society has suffered greatly from the dysfunctional character of such youth and adults.
The second command (also an imperative) is for the children to honor their parents.
Paul observed that this was the first commandment with a promise. In the Decalogue (ten commandments), the fifth commandment reads: "Honor your father and your mother, that you days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you" (Ex. 20:12).
The word "honor" means to estimate or to fix the value of. It is timao in the Greek language. The noun form of the verb is time’ and means to value something and to set the price for it. Placing a high value on a person results in honoring that person. Children are called to hold their parents in high regard.
When his critics accused Jesus of having a demon, Jesus said to them, "I honor My Father" (John 8:49), using the identical verb that is in Ephesians 6:2 (timao). Jesus held the Father in such high regard that every word He spoke, every action He took, and every decision he made had the purpose of honoring the Father. These attitudes and actions are in sharp contrast to those of Judas, who for a paltry price of thirty pieces of silver sold Jesus out (and the word used is the same as found in Eph. 6:2 and John 8:49). Obviously, Judas did not value or "price" Jesus as being very worthy.
Children honor their parents by being proud of them, by listening to them, and by speaking well of them. While children may become angry with parents (a normal emotion), they will not speak derogatorily toward them.
For example, they will not refer to their father as "my old man" or mother as "an old witch" or worse. They will honor and respect parents as their primary caregivers.
Now consider....
Parent’s Commitment to Children
Having built a compelling case for children to obey and honor parents. Paul then addresses the parental response to children. Paul’s instruction to parents is nothing less than revolutionary. Viewed against the backdrop of the child’s status in Roman civilization, Paul broke new ground in recognition of children’s rights. The Roman father had absolute power over his children. The Roman father had the right to punish his children, sell them into slavery, and even to put them to death. The cheapness of the child is revealed in a letter dated 1 B.C. and written by a Roman soldier, Hilarion. At his post in Alexandria, he writes to his wife, Alis. He states that if she bears a male child to let it live;
but if it is a female to cast it out.
Expressed negatively
Paul commanded fathers (imperative verb): "Do not provoke your children to anger" (6:4). The reason mothers are not mentioned is likely because provoking children to anger was identified more with fathers than with mothers.
Paul is not advocating denial of a healthy human emotion.
Earlier, he legitimized anger, exhorting, "Be angry but do not sin" (4:26). Both "be angry" and "do not sin" are imperatives. Paul is simply urging fathers not to provoke in children an anger that threatens to become lasting bitterness.
Fathers are to avoid irritating, overcorrecting, and inciting their children to anger by using the wrong methods. They are not to "exasperate" their children.
Fathers ... and mothers as well ... can create bitter, needless anger in their children in at least three ways.
1. Unrealistic expectations.
We can place great pressure on our children by expecting them to do and achieve more than they are capable of at any given time.
2. Impatient attitudes.
Parents need to have patience with their children, knowing that becoming proficient in a skill takes time and practice. Impatience can trigger discouragement and failure. The truth is, not many adults can do anything perfectly. Why then do we expect it of others, especially children?
3. Insensitive feelings.
Some families are legalistic in observance of rules and regulations. While some rules may be necessary and good, they must be applied gently to children. For example, suppose a family has a rule that children must go to bed at 9:00 each night. The parents believe that growing children need adequate sleep to do quality work at school.
The child is reading an interesting book when suddenly the parent blurts out, "Nine o’clock. It’s bedtime, Close the book, and go to bed!" The child has only one more page before the end of the chapter. She appeals for one minute longer.
But the mother is adamant. She takes the book from the child and banishes her to the bedroom.
The parent has just provoked the child to anger. The child must sleep on it all night long, and the situation was so unnecessary. A one-minute extension would have permitted the child to conclude the chapter and be excited about reading the next one the following evening. It would have produced happy feelings for the child, and it would not have robbed her of any significant sleep.
A child is a person and needs to be treated like one. A dysfunctional family often overlooks this fact and treats children with grave insensitivity. A little common sense goes a long way in raising healthy children.
Expressed Positively
In a positive tone, Paul commanded the fathers to bring up (imperative verb) their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. The Greek verb for to bring up is the identical verb used in 5:29 to describe the meticulous care that the husband gives his own body. In essence, the father is called to nurture, support and lead children to maturity, just as he cares for himself.
This is achieved in two specific ways.
1. Discipline.
Too often, we misconstrue discipline in the home to refer to punishment administered to violators of family rules. This is not what Paul means here.
Rather, he refers to the education of the total person, including mind, body, and character.
2. Instruction.
The Greek word means to put in mind, to set right, or to have a corrective influence on someone. In this passage, it denotes the word of admonition that
"is designed to correct while not provoking or embittering the child."
The primary curriculum of the Christian family is teaching and communicating the Christian faith ... what it is and how it is to be lived both in the home and in the world. Such "home schooling" is to be done in the spirit of Christ.
The Christian family is not perfect. Parents make mistakes as well as children.
However, don’t give up on one another. We still value and affirm one another, believing in and practicing the love of Christ in our family life.
