Anger - Forgiveness Series
Ephesians 4:26-32
January 3, 2010
About one week before Zachary was supposed to be born, Debbie’s mom flew into the airport in Springfield, Illinois. I picked her up and then we stopped and got some Chinese food to bring home to celebrate her arrival. On the way to Ashland, the cell phone rang and Debbie was telling me that she talked to the doctor and they wanted her to come to the hospital now. She hadn’t felt the baby moving all day, and they were concerned. When I received the call I was about 25 minutes from home, and would have to head back into Springfield, another 40 minute drive. Traffic was slow and people were driving too slow! I was anxious and my anger was rising. After all, I had an emergency and people were dawdling at 55 mph. Finally, after getting home, I brought the luggage and the Chinese food into the house. I looked down and realized that the sauce had gotten all over my shirt and pants. My anger increased as I angrily took my clothes off, I said they would pay for new clothes and we would never go back. Then on the way to the hospital, traffic was being slowed by someone from Ashland who owned a business. They were going 45 mph in a 55 mph zone. There’s always that view people have when the pastor goes flying by you on a 2 lane road. I vowed never to go back to their store again. Of course, all turned out well in the end. But have you ever noticed that when you’re angry, you have a way of saying things and doing things you really don’t mean. By the way, we did go back to the Chinese restaurant and to that slow driver’s store.
Have you ever made statements when you’re angry that you know are unrealistic, but it feels good at the moment? Powerful statements like “I hate you!” Or “I don’t ever want to speak to you again!” “I wish I never had you, you are miserable!” And we can add lots of other expressions.
Anger has a way of taking hold of us that turns us into people that we really don’t want to be. For many of us, say the wrong thing, receive a wrong look, be inconvenienced more than you think you should, and look out!
Did you hear about the two Washington Wizards basketball players this week. Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton got into an argument about a gambling debt after playing cards on a flight back from the west coast. Supposedly in the locker room Crittenton wanted Arenas to pay up, so Arenas pulled a gun on Crittenton, so Crittenton pulled a gun on Arenas. Fortunately, nobody got hurt, but the potential was so huge. All because they could not and would not control their anger.
Have you ever been in the checkout line that is taking forever, you’re running late, only to find that the checker is enjoying a conversation with someone regarding what’s wrong with the world? There are so many things that make us angry, when maybe they should not. But there are also moments in our lives where we need to become angry.
Unfortunately too many of us don’t understand the powerful emotion of anger. So we misuse and abuse it. We let it fly out like a volcanic eruption, or we keep it bottled up inside, or maybe we show a passive-aggressive style of anger.
Most often we can admit to being angry at someone else’s situation, at some injustice that has occurred in the world or our neighborhood. Yet, we deny being angry at something that is occurring in our lives. That is one of the ways we protect ourselves from really feeling and dealing with our emotions. In fact, many Christians believe anger is a sin. They don’t believe it’s ever appropriate to become angry or for that matter, to display it. I don’t agree with this type of teaching. The Bible is very clear, anger is normal and acceptable. It’s acceptable as long as we display it in ways that are consistent with being called a Christian.
In order to help us begin to look at anger, I want to mention a number of situations that occur in the Bible. This is to help us see that anger is mentioned not only from God’s frame of reference, but also through people like you and me.
God was angry at Moses’ unbelief; when he resisted the command to go to Egypt and confront Pharaoh (Exodus 4:14). God is angered by the mistreatment of those who are helpless; the strangers, widows, and orphans (Exodus 22:22-24). He was angered when people turned from trusting and worshiping Him, to worshiping idols (Exodus 32:10; Deuteronomy 6:14-15; Judges 2:13-14). He is also angered by the grumbling and complaining of His people (Numbers 11:1, 10).
Jesus also became angry at the Pharisees for their hardness of heart (Mark 3:5). He was indignant when the disciples didn’t want the children to come to Him (Mark 10:14). He showed His anger in the cleansing of the temple (Matthew 21:12; Mark 11:15). And Jesus was angry at Peter for telling Him He would not be crucified. (Matthew 16:23).
Moses became angry at Pharaoh’s hardened heart, and his refusal to listen to God (Exodus 11:8). David was angry when Nathan told him the story of the rich man who stole a poor man’s little lamb, not knowing he was that man (2 Samuel 12:5). Josiah was angry at the idol worship that was occurring and smashed all of the idols surrounding Jerusalem (2 Kings 23:1ff.).
Paul was angry when he learned some new Christians had embraced false teaching in Galatia. And he was angry and rebuked Peter and others for their hypocrisy in dealing with the Gentiles. (Galatians 2:11-21).
Do you think when Moses was frustrated at the Israelites, that he quietly cried out to God (Exodus 15:25 and 17:4)? Is it possible to cry out, in a whisper? Of course not. Moses was angry with the people, and he made it known to God. The Bible reports Kings Saul and David as “burning with anger.” Not only were these people angry at situations, they also expressed their anger to God. They weren’t afraid of telling God how they felt about the situations they were confronted with.
You see, the Bible never tells us we cannot be angry. James 1:19 tells us we must “be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” Notice the progression. I use this verse when doing premarital counseling. James reminds us listen first, then be slow to speak and lastly be slow to become angry. Note that James does not say, ‘don’t ever become angry,’ just be slow to anger.
Ephesians 4:26 states, “In your anger, do not sin.” Do you hear that? Be angry, “but do not sin.” In other words, we will become angry, it’s a normal emotion. If you didn’t become angry, I would have concerns about you. But the emphasis in all of the scriptures including many of the Proverbs is that we will become angry. It’s that next step, the various ways in which we display our anger that concerns God. There are acceptable and unacceptable ways of showing our emotions.
Jim Taylor in Currents Magazine wrote about his friend, Ralph Milton: One morning Ralph woke up at 5:00 am to a noise that sounded like someone repairing boilers on his roof. In his pajamas, he went into the back yard to investigate. He found a woodpecker on the TV antenna, “pounding its little brains out on the metal pole.” Angry at the little creature who ruined his sleep, Ralph picked up a rock and threw it. The rock sailed over the house, and he heard a distant crash as it hit the car, obviously missing the bird. In utter disgust, Ralph took a vicious kick at a clod of dirt, only to remember, too late, that he was still in his bare feet. As Ralph learned, uncontrolled anger, can sometimes be its own reward.
Maybe that exact sequence didn’t happen to you, but I can guarantee there are some here who have had explosions of anger and in the end had to clean up their mess. Sometimes your mess is because you threw, slammed, kicked, or punched something. So let me ask you, was it worth it? Was it worth it to break that lamp, punch the wall, kick the car, or throw the clock? Not only do you risk destroying your property, you risk physically hurting yourself or a loved one. Maybe the way you deal with your anger seems to spew forth like a volcanic eruption.
Or maybe the mess you’re dealing with is the fact that you hurt someone with your words, and once those words come flying out of your mouth, you can never take them back. They’re out there for the world to see.
I grew up in a house like that. Now, I do not want to be disparaging towards my father, but all it took was for someone to disagree with him or laugh when you shouldn’t. When that happened you ran for cover because the volcano was about to erupt. His anger always traveled with him. Did it have an impact on my mom, my sisters and me? Absolutely, yes.
I always have to guard the way I show my anger. It doesn’t come out too often, because I try to control it. I feel anger and I admit it, and try not to be a volcano. It takes hard work and a willingness to understand what you’re experiencing or feeling at any given moment. My daily prayer is to follow the Fruits of the Spirit. Listen to them and think of how many apply to controlling your anger: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). As I live my life, my prayer is that I recall the fruits of the Spirit as a guide towards controlling my anger.
Yet, we must come back to the point that anger is not an evil or a bad thing. God has created us as emotive beings. That means that we are people who feel. We feel things that are wonderful and exhilarating; like love, joy, laughter, and happiness. Conversely, we feel some things that will make us unhappy or sad; such as grief, loneliness and rejection. Without our feelings we would be robots. Of course, there may be those times in our lives where we would prefer to be robots and not feel the pain of death and loss. And yet, we would not be able to experience the immense joys of loving another person and feeling their love, nor would we feel and experience the love of Jesus Christ.
Many of us do not like to admit that we become angry. Have you ever gotten into an argument with someone and accused them of being angry? You might say, somewhat loudly, “You're getting angry.” And they scream back “I am not angry!” “Yes, you are!” “No, I’m not!” “Yes, you are!!” “No, I’m not!!” Until finally, you know that you can’t hide the fact that if you weren’t angry before, you are now. But why do we deny feeling anger? Because we think it's wrong.
Many times when we’re angry we use different words because we believe they are less threatening. We may say we are frustrated, annoyed, upset or irritated. These words mask the feelings of anger that are deep within us. But the problem with using these words is that they are not as strong as saying I am enraged, furious, bitter, or indignant. These convey our true emotions. We’re afraid to say that we’re angry, out of fear that we will hurt someone’s feelings, which can damage our relationship with them. Or we’re afraid they’ll be mad at us, yet I believe saying mad vs. angry is downplaying our feelings.
There are three basic types of anger that we will recognize. The first is “Exploding” or “Volcanic” Anger. This occurs when we just let it all out. Maybe we’ve had a bad day, or we are more tired than normal; the boss is on your back, the kids won’t behave, the car is not running, your spouse won’t let up, or it could be one of a million other reasons. The adrenaline begins to flow, your muscles flex, your blood pressure rises; and before you know it, POW!! That is my dad’s style of anger. And can be mine too. On the one hand, you get it out, but you do and say things that are destructive. It is not a good type of anger. It is the type of anger that leads to road rage, losing a job, losing those who love you, screaming hurtful words and spanking and hitting much harder than you should.
A few years ago, John Chaney, the basketball coach at Temple University learned about his exploding anger. After a difficult loss to the University of Massachusetts, Chaney exploded at the end of his news conference at the other coach, saying “I’m going to kill him.” He was angry about something that happened in the game and as a result of this statement, he was suspended, his wife left him and his daughters would not speak to him. Bob Knight got away with so much violent anger in practices and in games, that a resolution was passed to limit his displays of anger. If we did what Bob Knight did, we would have been immediately fired.
A second type of anger called “Anger Avoidance.” Anger avoiders are people who not only avoid anger, but when they become angry they don’t know it and can’t admit it. People who avoid anger say things like, “I don’t get angry, and I don’t hold grudges. I may get upset or frustrated, but not angry.” In many ways, this is just as destructive as exploding anger. You sabotage intimate relationships because you cannot admit your true feelings. Furthermore, anger avoidance leads to a number of physical problems. It is common for anger avoiders to suffer from numerous physical conditions; including, ulcers, nervous conditions, increased colds, colitis, and the two most common conditions are - depression and severe headaches.
The third type of anger I want to mention is passive-aggressive anger. Passive-aggressive anger is a sneaky anger. These are people who never tell you they’re angry, but their actions show it. Then they wonder what all the fuss was about. For example, if you ask me to do something I don’t want to do, if I can’t say no, then I just might call in sick, or intentionally forget. Passive-aggressive people make you think that they’re your friends, then they seem to come up behind you and stab you in the back. They tell you they aren’t angry, but they go to another person and rip into you.
These are also people who will make you feel uncomfortable with their humor. Because it is always sarcastic and is directed at others.
We must recognize that there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy anger. We display healthy anger when we are angry without losing control over the situation. It is becoming angry at another person, but instead of yelling and screaming and carrying on like there is no tomorrow, we sit with that person and explain how we feel. This is not always easy to do, mostly because confrontation is scary and risky. And because we do not know how to hold back our anger. We just let it all hang out, and then deal with the consequences later.
For example, when someone is being very critical of you and you become angry, you can express that anger in one of two ways. You can say, “You make me angry!” That is unhealthy. Or you can say, “I become angry when you criticize me in this manner.” That is expressing it in a healthy way. Do you hear the difference in the expressions? This is extremely important, because we run into this type of anger when we are in our homes. We blame someone else for making us angry, and that is wrong. We may not have liked what they said or did, but it is our choice whether or not we become angry. We can never say, “You make me angry.” When we do that we are giving huge amounts of power to someone else.
The healthy response to someone is to express anger in terms of I. You can say, ‘When you say that, “I” feel this way.’ Now you are expressing your emotions, not shifting blame to someone else. This can be a very fine distinction, but it is one of the biggest points that you must remember. Otherwise, your disagreements will continue to turn into yelling and screaming matches. Another expression that you can say is, “When you do this or when you say that, “I” feel this.” The key is to state everything from your feelings, using “I.”
Healthy anger does not attempt to get even with the person that has wronged you. In fact, even when we are angry, we need to show our love for that person. My children have angered me and will continue to anger me, however, if I discipline him out of anger, with no love, then I am wrong. When his discipline comes in the form of angry words or if I were to hit him in anger, this would be unhealthy. Even when disciplining, I must show love.
I know that I have given you so much information, and there is more to come next week about anger. Next week we will talk more about anger and ways to manage our anger.
What I hope you will think about this week is how you have demonstrated your anger in the past. Do you fly off the handle? Have you blamed others for your feelings? Do you keep it all inside, denying you ever feel anger? Or do you let others know you’re angry in very subtle, yet underhanded ways?
My hope is that we will be aware of our feelings at all times, and can learn more about expressing healthy anger. Our God is slow to anger and abounding in love. It is my hope that we can begin to emulate God, being slow to anger, but abounding in His love.
