Ever heard of the marshmallow test? Let’s watch this video.[1] [SHOW VIDEO] When Stanford University conducted this famous test in the 1960s on a group of four-year-old children, it revolutionized the emotional intelligence concept. “The researchers then followed the progress of each child into adolescence and demonstrated that those with the ability to wait were better adjusted and more dependable… and scored significantly higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test years later.”[2] Simply put, people who have strong self-control tend to be more successful in life than those who have poor self-control.
But, almost two thousand years before the test was ever conducted, the Bible already pointed out that self-control is one of the keys to a fruitful, effective life. We read this in 2 Peter 1: “For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control… For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”[3] We are going through “Our Pursuit for Our Growth” series and this morning we will look into making every effort to add self-control. Let us pray…
Usually, when we hear “self-control” we think of either sticking to one’s diet or staying away from sexual temptations. During Peter’s time, immorality was the context of his command to make every effort to add self-control. “[Self-control] means to have one’s passions under control. It contrasts sharply with the anarchy and lack of control on the part of the false teachers whom Peter exposed. In an increasingly anarchistic society Christians do well to let the music of self-control be played in their lives.”[4]
However, note that Peter warned “that in the last days some people won’t think about anything except their own selfish desires.”[5] The apostle Paul also pointed out that this is one of the signs of the last days. “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be… without self-control”.[6] Though they were talking about sexual desires, self-control is not limited to immorality. When we merely think of ourselves, when we think only of satisfying our selfish desires, we lack self-control.
The lack of self-control is one of what we can call “respectable sins.” In his book, “Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate,” Jerry Bridges wrote that we “may have become so preoccupied with some of the major sins of society around us that we have lost sight of the need to deal with our own more ‘refined’ or subtle sins… We have boundaries from our Christian culture that tends to restrain us from obvious sins, but within those boundaries we pretty much live as we please.”[7] Some of the “respectable sins” are pride, worry, anger, impatience, gossip, envy and lack of self-control.
So, what is self-control? In the Greek, the word “self-control” means the “restraint of one’s emotions, impulses, or desires.”[8] Someone wrote that, self-control is “the ability to ‘hold yourself in.’”
To put it simply, self-control is saying “NO” when we should say “NO” and saying “YES” when we should say “YES.” It is not saying “no” when we should have said “yes” and it is not saying “yes” when we should have said “no.” Knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no” is one of the marks of maturity. Proverbs 16:32 tell us that, “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” The Good News Bible goes like this: “It is better to be patient than powerful. It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities.” He who controls himself is greater than he who controls others. It appears that it is even easier to conquer a city than conquer ourselves.
If we are honest to ourselves, it is actually easier to say “YES” than “NO.” But saying “NO” is as important as saying “YES.” I am not just talking about avoiding sinful desires but also moderating normal, legitimate desires as well. In fact, normal desires become sinful desires when we fail to exercise self-control. For example, to need rest is just normal but to be lazy is sinful. To be hungry is normal but to crave so much for food is sinful. The point is that we control those desires and not have those desires control us. To know when to say “yes” or “no” to those desires is what we call self-control.
There are times we must say “no” even if it is perfectly normal to say “yes.” Real maturity is not insisting on one’s rights but it’s giving it up for the sake of others. For example, to desire to have someone to love is just normal. It appears acceptable to say “yes.” But, because you have other equally important priorities such as studies, it is also okay and even better to say “no” for the mean time. We tend to rush to relationships. But we need to realize that it pays to wait for the right time because the best is yet to come. There was a Christian who thought he would die if he would lose his girlfriend. But he chose not to continue with that relationship. Years later, he saw the woman and he thought it is better to die than to have her as his wife.
It is basically delayed gratification. You can choose between to enjoy now and suffer later or to suffer now and enjoy later. When you enjoy now and suffer later, you enjoy for a short time but you suffer for a long time. But when you suffer now and enjoy later, you suffer for a short time but you enjoy for a long time. We see this in the area of our personal finances. We would rather wallow in debt because we just couldn’t wait. We are so much in a hurry to get the latest model of a brand of mobile phone or of a laptop that we even borrow just to get it. So, we end up neck deep in debt.
Personally, I like to buy books but I realized that I accumulate them faster than I can read them. So, as much as possible, I decided not to buy at first sight. I would wait for some time and really weigh if I really need to buy the book. Then and only then I would make a decision. That saved me a lot of money.
Proverbs 25:28 tells us, “Losing self-control leaves you as helpless as a city without a wall.”[9] Just as a city is vulnerable to attacks when it has no walls, so a man who lacks self-control is also weak. The reason why we need to exercise self-control in all areas is that if we lose control in one area, it could erode our control in other areas. Note that in 2 Peter 1:6 it says that we are to add steadfastness to self-control. The Bible Exposition Commentary makes this interesting observation: “Self-control has to do with handling the pleasures of life, while patience relates primarily to the pressures and problems of life. (The ability to endure problem people is ‘long-suffering.’) Often, the person who ‘gives in’ to pleasures is not disciplined enough to handle pressures either, so he ‘gives up.’”[10] It’s like the four legs of a chair. If we remove one of the legs, even if we still have three legs left, we won’t sit on the chair because it’s already unstable. That’s why the more we say “YES” the more we find it hard to say “NO” and the more we say “NO” the more we find it hard to say “YES.” When we give in to temptation in one area, we will find it hard to resist it again in that area. And, sadly, we will find it hard to resist not only on that area but in other areas as well.
The good news is that when we resist temptation in one area, we will again be able to resist it in that area the next time around. And, we will find that other areas have been strengthened by our resistance in that one area. The more we say “YES” the more we find it easy to say “YES” and the more we say “NO” the more we find it easy to say “NO.”
For example, time management is a self-control issue. Yes, I know we differ in our personalities. Some of us are event-oriented or “right on schedule” people. Then there are those of us who are process-oriented or “enjoy the moment” people. But time is also a trust issue or a stewardship issue. We need to discipline ourselves to come on time in our worship services. We make it a point to be early in our other appointments. So, why can’t we come early on Sundays? My fear is that when we can’t even come early, we can also easily give in to the temptation not to attend at all. It’s actually a reflection of our priorities, of what is important to us. Someone said, “The question of priority is actually a question of faith.” We make time for what is valuable to us or what we really believe in. That also goes for spending more time watching TV rather than spending more time with your family.
Here’s another example. When we lack self-control in our thought-life, when we do not discipline ourselves as to what we feed into our minds, when we lose control in our thoughts, we end up losing control in our actions as well. For example, when we listen to critical people, we end up being critical too. When we indulge in gossip, whether reading the showbiz columns in the newspaper or the talk shows on TV, we end up gossiping also.
So, self-control is saying “no” when we should say “no” and saying “yes” when we should say “yes.” Yet, ultimately, self-control is simply SPIRIT-CONTROL. Galatians 5:22-23 tell us, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control”. It is a result of our cooperation with the control of the Holy Spirit. “Biblical self-control is not a product of one’s own natural willpower… This self-control is dependent on the influence and enablement of the Holy Spirit… We might say that self-control is not control by oneself through one’s own willpower but rather control of oneself through the power of the Holy Spirit.”[11]
Whenever we feel like saying “yes” when we should say “no,” we can depend upon the Spirit to provide the wisdom and strength for us to say “no.” Galatians 5:16 tell us, “What I say is this: let the Spirit direct your lives, and you will not satisfy the desires of the human nature.”[12] He empowers us to say “no” when we should say “no” and to say “yes” when we should say “yes.”
Brothers and sisters let us “make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control”. Next week we will talk about adding steadfastness to self-control as we continue our series on “Our Pursuit for our Growth.” Let us pray…
[1]Watch “The marshmallow test” from Igniter Media.
[2]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marshmallow_test
[3]2 Peter 1:5-6a, 8. All Bible verses are from the English Standard Version, unless otherwise noted.
[4]Walvoord, John F. ; Zuck, Roy B. ; Dallas Theological Seminary: The Bible Knowledge Commentary : An Exposition of the Scriptures. Wheaton, IL : Victor Books, 1983-c1985, S. 2:865-866
[5]2 Peter 3:3, CEV.
[6]2 Timothy 3:1-2a, 3b.
[7] For this message, I drew heavily on this book as well as another book by Jerry Bridges, “The Pursuit of Holiness.”
[8]A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature 3rd Edition (BDAG)
[9]CEV.
[10]
Wiersbe, Warren W.: The Bible Exposition Commentary. Wheaton, Ill. : Victor Books, 1996, c1989, S. 2 Pe 1:5
[11]Bridges.
[12]GNB
