Foundations for Healthy Personal Relationships
Part 3 – Respecting Other People’s Boundaries
Romans 14
August 15, 2010
NOTE: THE ME/WE/GOD/YOU/WE FORMAT IS FROM ANDY STANLEY'S BOOK, "COMMUNICATING FOR A CHANGE."
Me: I spent my high school years in a rather permissive atmosphere.
My dad and step-mom weren’t overly strict, and so I did things that I shouldn’t have done, and that on more than one occasion should have landed me in jail. I’ve mentioned some of those things before.
After I became a Christian, and especially after getting involved in a good church, I found myself in a different kind of atmosphere, and in some ways, it was just as bad.
Not because of what we did or didn’t do, but because of the mindset I learned to adopt, and that was to think that every Christian had to think and act just like me, doing what I did, and not doing what I didn’t do.
I don’t think that was the church’s fault, as much as it was the crowd I hung out with – young Christians who I believe were really trying to live lives that would please God.
Unfortunately, we became our own little set of Pharisees who judged other Christians based on our own set of rules, not really based on Scripture.
We: If I were a betting man, I would lay odds that I’m not the only one who could make that claim, and not just about their younger years.
Some of you might be dealing with some of that right now.
I think that most Christians do, from time to time.
We tend to look at other Christians through the lenses of our own preferences and experiences and we offer acceptance to them based on how they pass through those filters.
So what does God have to say about that?
God/You:
We’re going to look today at Romans 14 (p. 804-805).
Let me give you a bit of context, okay?
This passage addresses one thing in particular, and that is eating meat.
Why is this a big deal? People have been eating meat for many centuries, and they had been doing so in Rome as well.
The issue was that, according to scholars, most, if not all the meat offered in the marketplace in the Roman empire was offered to idols before it was put out for sale.
And there were people in that area whose consciences bothered them because they didn’t want to be seen as accepting or condoning idol worship.
Their heart was in the right place – they wanted to make sure they honored God even in what they eat. And that’s an admirable thing, right?
How many of us choose our food with the idea of honoring God in what we eat?
Most of us, myself included, have looked at a plate full of artery-clogging food and ask God to bless it to our bodies.
And I think God looks at us and says, “Forget that, man. You choose to eat that, you choose the high blood pressure that comes with it.”
So anyway, these Romans and others were wanting to make sure they weren’t offending God in what they ate.
In our area and time, we could talk about stuff like:
Drinking
Dancing
Smoking
Watching certain types of movies
Wearing certain types of clothing
Using certain words
Listening to country music…
All of these things are things that Christians deal with and argue about every day. But none of these things are things that our salvation hinges on.
And none of these are necessarily sin.
At least, not according to Scripture.
But as I mentioned, Christians argue about this stuff all the time, and it can come between otherwise godly Christians who in all other aspects agree and could minister together and have fellowship together – if it weren’t for one or more of these things coming between them.
I believe God frowns on that. And I believe that’s why Romans 14 is in the Bible. So we’re going to look at that.
Today, I’m going to read the whole passage. But not in the order it’s written.
I’m going to point out six principles this passage teaches about respecting other people’s boundaries, but in order to present these in an order that’s understandable to people like me, I’m going to group together the verses that pertain to the point being made.
And in some cases, I many end up repeating a verse or two to keep it in its context.
So let’s work through these six principles, and I pray that this will be encouraging to you and yet challenge all of us to maybe cut some people some slack when we come across areas of disagreement over what this passage calls “disputable matters” – those things that some feel they biblical license for but others don’t feel they have that same license.
Here’s the first principle:
1. Respect those who don’t have the same freedoms you do.
2 One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables.
Okay, all you meat-eaters. This isn’t saying that only spiritual weenies are vegetarians.
Remember, the issue is that there were those who, because they didn’t have a solid understanding that all food was clean even if it was offered to an idol, didn’t eat meat.
And you need to pay attention this next verse:
3a The man who eats everything must not look down on him who does not…
It’s very easy for people who feel they have biblical freedom to do something to look down their noses at those who don’t do those things.
Well, that’s judging, and not in the good way. We’re not judging according to Scripture, we’re judging according to our own preferences.
Let’s see what this passage says about that:
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way.
Now you need to catch this, because if you’re not careful you can do things that can actually cause harm to other people as you exercise the freedoms you feel you have in Christ.
14 As one who is in the Lord Jesus, I am fully convinced that no food is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for him it is unclean. 15 If your brother is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy your brother for whom Christ died.
20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21 It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother to fall.
I want to use alcohol as an example, because I think that most of us can relate to how it’s used in our culture and how many people feel about it.
But before doing that I want to make something absolutely clear: the Bible calls drunkenness a sin. It does not, however, call drinking a sin.
Jesus turned water into real wine, according to the partiers at the wedding. It wasn’t just Welch’s grape juice.
I also just a read a passage in Deuteronomy where God actually encourages people to buy strong drink during one of the yearly celebrations He mandated for Israel.
Okay? Drinking in and of itself is not a sin, according to Scripture.
But there is no denying that alcohol abuse has led to a lot of harm in our society, and even to some of our own loved ones.
There are Christians who drink alcohol from time to time, and they are free to do that Scripturally. I don’t have a problem with that.
But if you do it around someone who has an alcohol problem or feels it’s wrong and is hurt by your drinking in front of them, or even if they are hurt by your talking about how you drink, then you need to stop doing that around them.
There are people you know who have been in situations where abuse of alcohol has led to abuse in the home, and it’s very hard for those folks to celebrate your freedom to drink, and it hurts to hear you brag about it.
And when you find out about those people, you need to put your freedom on hold for the sake of the other person.
That’s the loving, Christ-like thing to do.
Shoving your freedom in their face is not a good thing – it’s sin.
Obviously, we could talk about a lot of stuff besides drinking, but I think that’s probably the hot-button issue for many of us.
See, your freedom has a limit. And that limit is the impact it has on another person, especially another brother or sister in Christ.
“But I didn’t know that would hurt them – what should I do, ask everyone how they feel about it before I do it?”
Uh, yeah. That’d be a good idea. Especially if they are fellow believers in Jesus. You owe that to them as brothers and sisters in Christ.
This is a lesson I’m still learning. But I’ve found that if I take the time to ask someone how they feel about something, then I can be more respectful and maybe avoid some topics or issues altogether when I’m around them so I don’t cause them to hurt or cause them to stumble into sin or into something they consider sin.
Here’s the other side of that same coin:
2. Respect those who have more freedoms than you do.
…the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him.
16 Do not allow what you consider good to be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and approved by men.
Just like it’s easy for those who exercise freedoms to look down on those who don’t share their views, it’s also very easy – and maybe even more so, to look down on people who do things that you don’t approve of, even if it’s not sin.
And you know what that is, don’t you? It’s judging – just like the people in the first principle do.
When we judge that something is wrong but Scripture doesn’t make that judgment, than we’re guilty of the same thing I talked about in the first principle – judging according to personal preference, and that’s not good.
I’ve struggled with the first principle, but this is the one I struggled with the most until I learned something very important:
If it’s not sin, you need to let it go.
And I mean sin according to Scripture.
Let me give you an example. I’m not a big fan of smoking, and I’d rather not see Christians do it.
It’s not as gross as girls chewing tobacco, but that’s just me…
God had to remind me that His Word doesn’t call smoking a sin, so I needed to back off.
Smoking doesn’t send you to hell – it just makes you smell like you’ve already been there…
“But they didn’t have cigarettes back in Bible times! So the Bible writers couldn’t have talked about it!”
You’re right – the Bible does not say, “Thou shalt not smoke Marlboros, for on the day that thou doest it, your breath shall stinketh and it shall offendeth me.”
I know that – and so did the all-knowing God of the universe who could have and I believe would have condemned smoking if it would be a sin in our time.
There are people I know right here in Aberdeen that I think are vibrant Christians who love Jesus and live for Him, and yet they smoke.
And it’s okay! I had to get past my man-made notion that smoking was wrong and just let them live before God.
It’s important to understand these first two points because of this third principle:
3. Each of us lives for the Lord, not ourselves.
By the way, the rest of these won’t take as long, I promise.
5 One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. 6 He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord. He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives to himself alone and none of us dies to himself alone. 8 If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this one, but I want to point out a couple things very quickly:
> You belong to God, not yourself.
Therefore, you need to exercise your freedoms in ways that honor God and not just cater to yourself.
> They belong to God, not to you.
Therefore, their exercise of their freedoms is an issue ultimately between God and them, and those of us who disagree need to commit them to Christ and trust Him in that person’s life.
We need to let the Holy Spirit be the Holy Spirit in their lives, because you know what?
We’re very bad at being the Holy Spirit. He’s real good at it, so let’s let Him to any convicting of something that’s not sin in someone’s life, because of this fourth principle:
4. God is the one who judges His people.
1 Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.
4 Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.
10 You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat. 11 It is written:
"'As surely as I live,' says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God.'"
12 So then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another.
I’d say that says it pretty clearly, right?
On disputable matters, we need to leave the judging to God.
We don’t have to approve of what someone else approves or doesn’t approve of, but ultimately, each of us will answer to God for ourselves.
We won’t answer for that guy who smokes, or that gal who dances, or that person who watches bloody movies.
That person will answer to God for themselves, just like we’re accountable to God for our own lives.
I think that if we’d pay more attention to what we believe God wants us to do as individual’s we wouldn’t have as much time to worry about the other guy, right?
Then we can live as our own Spirit-filled conscience dictates, looking forward to doing all we can to please God.
Make sense? Good – let’s move on.
5. We have a responsibility to work to get along in these areas.
Notice I didn’t say we have a responsibility to agree in these areas. We have a responsibility to get along in these areas.
19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
Edification means to build someone up, not tear them down for what they allow or do or what they don’t allow and do, as long as those things aren’t sin or contradict Scripture.
One of the best ways to do that in this context is to simply be quiet about it.
22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God.
You don’t need to advertise your approval or disapproval about everything that you come across in the lives of other Christians.
If you really, really, really think you need to discuss it with someone, then do it privately, with the goal of building that person up and not tearing them down.
You do that by expressing your love for that person, your concern for them and the basis for it, and your belief that no matter what, they are a brother or sister in Christ and ultimately they belong to Him, not you and your preferences.
The other side of that is that if you are person being approached on something, you need to listen carefully and respectfully.
Put aside any hardness or resistance and just listen, asking the Holy Spirit to show you any truth in what the person is saying.
At the end of the conversation, nothing may have changed in terms of what you approve or don’t approve, but at least you should walk away with love and respect as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Make the effort to understand each other, and love each other in spite of differences over disputable matters.
Here’s the last principle:
6. Know what you believe about these “disputable matters.”
22B Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23 But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats, because his eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.
Those are some tough words, huh?
The idea here is that we can’t be wishy-washy about stuff that we’re not sure about.
Here’s an example of what I mean:
If you’re not sure whether or not you should drink, and you drink anyway, and then you feel guilty but then you find yourself arguing with yourself and others about whether or not you should be drinking, that’s sin.
Abstaining because of the same reason is sin. Why?
Because you’re not acting in faith, you’re acting out of fear – of people and how you think God might respond about a disputable matter not condemned in Scripture as sin.
If you’re not sure you should drink, then maybe you should stop until you search the Scriptures and pray about what God would have you to do.
And if He says don’t drink, then that’s what you need to do, and you can abstain with confidence, and it doesn’t matter what others would tell you and try to pressure you to drink.
And if He says that it’s okay for you to drink, then you go ahead in the confidence that God approves of that in your life.
Folks, live confidently in what you approve or disapprove of, but make sure that it’s an issue of actual study and prayer instead of just listening to other people tell you what you should or shouldn’t do.
We: Folks, what’s one of the biggest charges that the world has against the church of Jesus around the world?
That we’re judgmental. And often, they’re right.
And one of the areas where Christians are the most judgmental is in this area of disputable matters.
We’re quick to jump on other Christians for doing something or not doing something we think they should do or not do. And it’s sin.
So what do you think would happen to the world’s perception of the Church if this church got off that train and committed to looking at each other through the lens of Christ and Scripture instead of the lens of our own personal preferences?
I think it would go a long way to telling people that we actually believe the words of Jesus when He said –
“All men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
And just maybe they’ll want to be part of a group of people who love Jesus above ourselves and who put other people ahead of our own convenience and comfort for the sake of Christ and His kingdom.
Will they see that in you? I hope so. Because God’s Word says they should.
Let’s pray.
