Relationships a Biblical view:
I told everyone last week that the talk today was going to be a talk I felt God prepared me for during the last 5 years of my life. A talk that I felt God put inside of me for just this time. As I began to put down on paper all the thoughts and feelings and emotions I have inside regarding this talk, I realized it was something I might not be able to do. There was just too much raw emotion for me in this talk, there is just too much of who I am inside and I knew it had to be something that just flowed from my heart as I gave it our it would sound hollow and empty. To that end, I asked Nick and BG if we could tape this talk today because I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be any coherent written version to post on the web. So today’s talk is being recorded and that recording should be available on the Grace Point web site. (Please note this written version was for notes basis and is different in flow from the recorded version, but the main points are the same).
Well enough lead in – let’s get to the heart of what’s on my heart. My family and I came to Wolfeboro in Oct. of 1998 and those of you who knew me back then, know that I came pounding one drum and I am still pounding that drum today – Relationships – relationships, relationships:
Grace Point’s Mission Statement reads: Grace Point is a church that creatively communicates Christ’s love for all people through relevant Biblical teaching and intentional relationships.
Intentional relationships because frankly it is what we all need and what we so lack in ability to foster. America and Americans are lost as a society because we have lost our ability to have true relationships – we have lost our ability to have true intimacy with each other. A person I work with blames it on the invention of air-conditioning: He grew up in the Bronx and he talks about when growing up, before everyone had air-conditioning, everyone knew each other because they would all go outside and sit on the steps to cool off and drink lemonade and it was just one big family. But when air-conditioning went into all the homes, people stayed inside and no-one knew anyone anymore and what was once a family – became a neighborhood full of strangers and eventually people even stopped saying hi to each other as they past in the hallways. I don’t know if the advent of air-conditioning is the root of the problem here, but I do know it is a problem that is crippling our society and destroying our kid’s ability to know and have true relationships --- and New England is harder then most places.
The way I explain it is living down south or living out west, everyone is your friend until you prove to them you’re not, here in New England no-one is your friend until you prove to them you are and it can take 15 – 20 years to break through that wall. For what ever reason, intimacy and opening up and sharing who you are with each other, scares Americans and closer to home, scares New Englanders to death.
When we first moved back, we hosted a small group in our home every Friday night and we had additional gatherings at the house throughout the year, summer cookouts and birthday parties and such and well after a year I mentioned in group that we needed to go deeper into relationship with each other, deeper into intimacy and fellowship with each other and you could have heard a pin drop in the room. Everyone looked at me with a blank stare and said what do you mean. And so I explained it like this. I said for the past year you guys have all been over to my house every Friday night for group, plus we’ve had other functions here during the year, now remember, we are the new people in town and can you tell me how many times we have been invited over to anyone else’s home for any reason? Everyone started guessing: a dozen, 2 dozen times and so on, until I said nope, the number of times we have been invited over to anyone’s home for any reason is simply zero – not once.
That mentality, and don’t get me wrong, it’s not a conscience thing, it is just a culture that is so ingrained into us, that we don’t even know it is happening, but it is and it is killing the very core of who we are.
Why do I say that, because it’s true. Turn with me if you would to Genesis Chapter 1: As you read in Genesis chapter 1 you read all about the beginning of creation. It is all God said, God said, God said and when God said, certain things happened, but when you get to verse 26, you get a little twist: In verse 26 God says alright, but God says –:
Genesis 1:26 (New International Version)
Then God said, "Let us make man in our image,
Here in verse 26 we see God’s first hint that relationships are core to who we are. When he made man, he did not make man alone, no he made man in the context of relationship, in the context of the tri-une relationship that exits in the Holy Trinity, that exists in the Father, Son and Holy Ghost. We were made in God’s image, and God’s image is a relational image - That is the likeness of God in which we are made.
We see it so much more deeper when we continue to read Genesis and we get to Chapter 2, Verse 18: Up to that point God commented that everything he made was good, but in verse 18 He Says:
Genesis 2:18 (New International Version)
18Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone;
But Adam wasn’t alone, quite the contrary, Adam had God; at this time, the Garden was still a paradise and Adam was in perfect relationship and fellowship with God in a way you or I can never truly understand. Adam walked and talked with God (literally) on a daily basis. But even though this was the case, God still said Adam was alone and furthermore He said this was not good. Why, because God knew He made us to be in relationship, just as He is in relationship with the Trinity. God new Adam needed relationship beyond what Adam had with God, He knew that because that is how He made us. And so God made Eve and Adam and Eve completed each other in a way that Adam or for that matter Eve did not / could not get with God alone. That is no slight on God, that is How God made us; that is God’s design. He made us to be in fellowship with each other, He made us to be in relationship with each other. Jesus always sent His disciples out in pairs. The New Testament design for church is to meet in the homes and in the temples. The design is centered around relationship. The only time Jesus Cried out in agony saying My God My God why have you forsaken me, is the only time He was truly alone, The time when He became sin for us and as such became separated from God and that Tri-une relationship was broken for the first and only time. It was such a blow to Christ that it caused Him to cry out so. God is a God of relationship and He made us in His image.
That need is core to who we are. If you look deeper into Genesis, who see just how core it is. Most people blame Eve for the curse, most people blame Eve for being deceived, but that’s just it Eve was deceived; Adam was not. Adam knew the rules, heck he named everything in the Garden so he knew the tree and he knew the rules and he lived those rules with no issues or problems or temptations until he was faced with the loss of his relationship with Eve. Eve on the other hand did not have the same history with God and as such was able to be tempted by what she did not know about God and thus her temptation was in her desire to know more of God (be like God), so in that temptation, she ate of the fruit. Adam on the other hand was not tempted in this manner, but he was fearful of his lose of relationship with Eve. He remembered what his loneliness was like before Eve and he knew intimately his fellowship with God and he knew the rules. Knowing both aspects, Adam (in his free will) made the choice to eat of the fruit as well because he so much more lamented the possibility of his lose of relationship with Eve, then he did his loss of relationship with God.
Now notice it was only when both had eaten, that the cruse came ---- The fear of relational loss caused sin to come into this world and Jesus accepting the pain of that separation redeemed us.
Our whole being, our whole identity, our very faith and salvation are all wrapped up in relationship. Why do you think Satan does everything he can to break the bonds of relationships in our life’s. If you get nothing from today other then this. Let it sink in to your core. You are designed for fellowship, designed for relationship; seek them out, foster, them, find time for them. Make them a priority. If you see someone hurting, chances are a friend, a true friend, can make all the difference in the world.
Now let’s go one step further: How many of you have heard the saying “The family that prayers together stays together”?
Well don’t you believe it. A recent study by the Barna Research Group throws extreme doubt on this saying. Barna released the results of their poll about divorce on DEC-21.
They interviewed 3,854 adults from the 48 contiguous states. The margin of error is within 2 percentage points. The survey found that divorce rates among conservative Christians were significantly higher than for other faith groups, as well as for Atheists and Agnostics.
George Barna, president and founder of Barna Research Group, commented:
"While it may be alarming to discover that born again Christians are more likely than others to experience a divorce, that pattern has been in place for quite some time. The high incidence of divorce within the Christian community challenges the idea that churches provide truly practical and life-changing support for marriages. We would love to be able to report that Christians are living very distinct lives and impacting the community, but in the area of divorce they continue to be the same as there non-Christian neighbors."
I am just as guilty as the next guy. I have told many people that the most selfish thing I have ever done was get divorced and most people stop me and say how can you say that, it wasn’t your fault, you didn’t want the divorce. And that is true, I didn’t want the divorce, and I didn’t have the affair, and so scripturally there is just cause for my divorce, but the reality is, if I had been the Biblical Husband God called me to be, if I had been able to get past myself and do it God’s way instead of my way, then maybe, just maybe, the result of my marriage would have been completely different. The reality, though is that most of us come into marriage with our own view points, our own expectations and when it doesn’t go the way we think it should, we say hey it is no-bodies fault, we just grew apart, we just fell out of Love – bull - love is a choice, a choice to be there even when you don’t like the person. Feeling in love is an emotion and like any emotion it comes and goes like the wind. If you are around anyone long enough, there will be days you don’t much like them, let alone feel in love with them, but that is because we have the focus on ourselves and if we would take that focus off ourselves and place it squarely on Christ and allow Him to be the center of our lives, of our relationship to Him and to each other, then we will know that the feeling of being “In Love” will come again, not because of who we are, but because of who He is”.
Both my ex and I couldn’t or more to the point wouldn’t do that and as a result – our kids have to live with the pain and the loss, our kids have to carry the relational baggage of yet another set of selfish Christians who thought it was all about them. And I am so sorry for that, I see that reality every time I look in my kids eyes.
So what is God’s plan? How many of you know who Job is? Right Job is a man who lost everything for God. Well about 5 years ago, God gave me a one day Job experience that brought me to me knees, both physically and spiritually. He used it to break me, so He could build me back up His way. 5 years ago, the company I worked for had just gotten bought out by GE and I was now a Top line manager for GE – I was their North East Power Team Leader. In addition, I had a successful ministry heading up the Cell Group Ministry at FCC and I was also the Jr. High youth Leader, I was married and had 3 wonderful kids, I was doing it right. Well that all come to an end in one day. I was at a meeting of GE managers and I publicly disagreed with the then president of GE. Well in some pretty exact and direct terms, he proceeded to chew me out in front of all my peers and let it be known that if I wanted to keep my Job I had better understand I needed to come to GE, because GE wasn’t coming to me.
Well I left that meeting with my tail between my legs and drove 6 hours home to seek solace in my wife’s arms. When I got home it was late and my wife was sleeping, but she woke up when I came in and asked me if I could fix the computer as it was jammed up because someone had downloaded some stuff off the net and a virus had impacted the computer. She went back to sleep and I went to fix the computer. When I got it all cleaned up, the print manager came on and said there were items waiting to print and did I want to print them, so I clicked yes, Well that is when the other shoe dropped, what printed out were some very detailed emails between my wife and the person she was having an affair with. Well I about lost it. I took these emails and stormed in the bedroom and woke my wife up and was ready to call her every name in the book and tell her to pack her backs and get out and that is when God stopped me cold. Twice in my life I feel I have heard God speak to me in audible tones and this was one of them. I heard a voice say this is unconditional; this is what it means to Love as Christ Loved the Church. Can you do that, will you do that, will you love your wife even when she is unlovable. And He showed me Christ dieing on the cross and he showed me the Jews saying crucify Him and He showed me Jesus saying “forgive them Father for they know not what they do” and I heard again “Will you Love as Christ Loved”. Instantly my whole demeanor changed, I was calm and I woke my wife up and showed her the emails and she confessed and we held each other and we cried and it was the closest we had been in years, mainly because I was able to get past myself and see her. Unfortunately, I still had a lot to learn, we both did and we did not allow God to work in our marriage and He turned us over to the desires of our hearts and my kids have to live with that daily and so do I. But God is gracious and if we let Him, He will use all for good for those who love Him. And He did that for me.
Stating that night I asked God to show me His plan for relationships, His plan for how a man and a woman are to be. I already shared with you the first part of what He showed me over the course of the next few years and that is the understanding that relationships are core to how He made us. Once I got that I begged Him to show me His design for a relationship between a man and a woman inside of marriage, because I knew and still know that if He every blesses me with the opportunity to be married again, I want to do it His way, because I already know my way doesn’t work. He took me to Ephesians and He said you see that verse, Wife’s submit to your husbands as unto the Lord, well don’t stop there, go further and read where it says Husbands love you wife’s as Christ Loved the Church, then do a study on what submission means and do a study on how Christ loved the church. Well I did just that and it boils down to this. The term translated submit is the Creek word:
Hupotassô = Line up under, response to ones position or authority.
Keep this in mind, because this is a key aspect of the whole understanding and a key aspect to the relational progression.
Alright, so we can now retranslate the word submit, to respond and understand that it is saying Wives I have given your husband a heavy responsibility and your part is to respond to Him as unto the Lord. As I said, this plays a key aspect in the whole relationship process. Please also notice that in other parts of scripture, we are called to submit one to another, both in a marital relationship and in our fellowship with believers.
So how did Christ Love the Church?
1) He loved us initially; The scriptures state that we so loved Christ because he loved us first, we came to him because he called us to him (none came that were not called). As such, we are to love our wives first (initially) we are to be the initiators of the Love between us. (No I am not talking about the physical act of Making Love, but the actual aspect of making the committed choice to love our mate).
2) He loved us unconditionally: The scriptures clearly talk about Christ’s unconditional love. He loved us unto the death upon the cross even when we were unlovable. As such, we are to love our wives unconditionally.
3) He loved us with a knowing heart as to lift us up as an unblemished offering to God. This tells me that I am to love my wife in a knowing manner (i.e. take the time to truly know her) and through that knowing, be able to support her (spiritually, emotionally and physically) in such a way as to be able to allow her to be lifted up. To bring her to that point where she feels lifted up.
Now that takes us to the key part of the relationship process; wives respond to your husbands as unto the Lord, but notice Christ stands at the door and knocks and waits for us to invite him in and only when we do invite him in can our relationship with him occur and can we go deeper into intimacy with him. Christ does not force his way into our life, he waits for us to respond to his love for us and only in him doing his part first (loving us as he does) can we ever reach the point of inviting him in. The same is true, I believe for a biblical marriage. I must do my part before my mate can ever invite me in and for that intimacy to occur. If I fail on my part, my mate can never do her part completely. That is hard for most men to take, because it means, if you look close enough, that my love for my mate is unconditional, but my mates love for me (at least initially) is conditional. Conditional upon what, upon me doing my part so she can thus do hers and invite me in. Likewise, if she fails to do her part, the relationship stops right there just as our relationship with Christ stops if we fail to invite him in. Christ can do everything right and He has, but if we fail to invite Him in, we have no relationship with Him. Likewise, a husband can do everything right, but if the wife fails to respond to him, fails to invite him in, then there is no relationship, no intimacy.
But guys, even when she does invite you in, it is, at least initially, going to be all about her. Remember when you first came to Christ, it was all about you, right; it is that way for all of us. I can’t believe what he did for me, I can’t believe that He died for me, me, me, me, me. It isn’t until we grow deeper in our relationship with Christ, can we mature enough to take the focus off ourselves and place it on Christ. Some of us never get there, but Christ keeps on loving us, initially, unconditionally and in a knowing way as to lift us up. Likewise, guys, your wives will go through the same process as their relationship with you matures. But that doesn’t give you any excuse, your call is to Love like Christ and so that means you continue to stand at the door and knock until she invites you in. Only when you are able to do that, will she be able to feel safe enough, to feel secure enough, to feel valuable enough to let you see who she truly is, and when you get that gift, guys don’t screw it up. Remember, it is not about you, it is about Christ. Every relationship between a man and a woman needs to be a three way relationship. The man, the woman and Christ, and true relationship can only occur; true intimacy can only take place, when Christ is the center of that relationship.
Ladies, don’t miss your part though, because it is the key to which the whole relationship hinges on. Let me read something to you from Nicole Johnson’s Book “Keeping A Princess Heart” - Nicole Johnson is the founder of ‘Woman of Faith” and the author of several books including “DNA of Relationships” with Gary Smalley.
Anyway, Nicole writes:
Standing in the kitchen in a tattered bathrobe, she rinsed out her coffee cup. The kids were on the bus with their lunches, her husband was stuck in commuter traffic, and the dog was looking up at her waiting for his food. If you had asked her, she wouldn’t have even known she was humming as she opened the dog-food can. But a smile might have played across her lips if you had told her she was humming “Someday my prince will come”.
Larry Morey and Frank Churchill had no idea what they were putting into words when they penned the famous song for the 1937 film Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. How could they have known what those words would stir up? Their song put a voice to a desire greater than either the words or the music. Every good fairly tale has a prince - Prince Charming, Prince Wesley, Prince Caspian. Many have no name at all – they are simply referred to as prince. But in almost every story, no matter his name, he goes about doing two things: finding and rescuing. These are the tasks and the joys of a prince. He will find the princess and rescue her from her situation: lovelessness, boredom, poison apples, or sleeping disorders, to name a few.
Women are responders. Now please don’t get me wrong. We are strong, capable initiators, and we can hold our own in almost every situation. We are determined, forceful and talented. But when it comes to love we want to respond. We want to be found and yes, in more ways then we’d like to admit, we want to be rescued. We don’t want to sweep, we want to be swept away. We don’t want to catch as much as we want to be caught up. We like to draw, but not as much as we like to be drawn in. We may search, but our hearts long to be searched for. We want to be looked after, talked to, turned on, thought about and prayed over – all of which amounts to responding rather then initiating. We may be modern woman but our hearts our still full of timeless desires. When a woman knows she is loved in this manner, she is set free to be her fullest self.
Guys, that’s your part – you do that, you love her like Christ loved the Church and you will free her up to respond to you and in that response comes the invitation to the type of marriage, the type of relationship we all have been trying to find. But we can’t get there unless we do it God’s way. Unless we get past ourselves and allow Christ to be the center of our relationship to Him and to Each other.
Women if you want a husband who will battle the gates of hell for you. Respond to him in this manner and in doing so you set him free to be the man God has created him to be.
John Eldridge puts it this way. Women want to know one thing: Am I worth loving. Men want to know one think: am I worthy of being loved. God’s design allows both questions to be answered. If we get it out of sequence or if we take the other persons role, the questions never get answered and the relationship fails.
