Title: Reasons to Stay
Text: 1 Corinthians 7:10-16
Truth: Stay put in marriage.
Aim: I want to give reasons to strengthen their resolve to remain married.
INTRODUCTION
Jon & Kate Plus 8 is TLC’s, The Learning Channel, most watched program. It has followed the life of Jon and Kate Gosselin. A year after their marriage Kate gave birth to twin girls. Three years later they wanted one more child and Kate gave birth to sextuplets. On June 22, 2009, 10.6 million viewers, a huge audience for cable, tuned in as the couple announced their separation. Kate has now filed for divorce. The twins are eight years old and the sextuplets are five.
The first year Jon worked a 9 to 5 job and Kate, along with some help, cared for the children. By the third year they were making enough money from appearances and speaking engagements for Jon to quit his job. Last year, they moved into their $1.1 million dollar home in Pennsylvania. The plans are for Jon to live elsewhere when Kate has custody of the children at their Berks County compound, and then for Kate to find other living arrangements when Jon has custody of the children. The show is on hiatus until August.
Maybe you have seen the emotional news conference of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. He confessed to a yearlong adulterous relationship with a television news reporter from Argentina. He couldn’t seem to keep from talking about it. His wife Jenny found out about it in January and sought to put a stop to it. Of the two, she is the only one appearing to act like a well-adjusted adult. In a released statement to the media she offered no opinion on her husband’s political future. She said that is up to the voters and elected officials of South Carolina. Her statement also included: "Mark showed a lack of judgment in his recent actions as governor. However, his far more egregious offenses were committed against God, the institutions of marriage and family, our boys and me."
Someone said, “Fifty years ago parents were apt to have a lot of kids. Nowadays kids are apt to have a lot of parents.”
We are living in a day when divorce has exploded with frequency. There are many societal reasons: the emancipation and growing independence of women, the sexual revolution and the loss of taboo for immorality, and no fault divorce laws. But the main reason for the horrendous divorce figures for America is the loss of influence of the Christian faith and Christian standards on sex and marriage.
Marriage is viewed by opinion shapers of our culture as a lingering vestige of the Victorian era. It needs to be replaced because people change and experience personal growth. We need different companions for different stages in our life. We’re told to adopt an attitude called serial marriage. What perversion! It celebrates failure and has the audacity to call it success. What is really disintegration these darkened minds call growth.
Why are passages like this so contentious? Why do pastors reluctantly preach these texts, if they do so at all? It is because divorce has become the norm for our society. The senior adults in this room can remember a day when they didn’t know any one that was divorced. I heard an older adult preacher tell that he was eight-years-old the first time he’d ever heard the word. It was a playmate in his neighborhood. The boy was the only child in the school class that came from a broken home. Today, a child who lives with both biological parents is the minority in the school classroom.
I’m not going to be a pulpit bully this morning on the subject of divorce. It’s been said that the only thing more painful than the divorce of a mate is the death of a mate. We need the truth, but the truth spoken in love.
I’m not giving a full treatment on the subject of marriage and divorce as it is taught in the Bible. That would require a thorough understanding of passages from Genesis, Deuteronomy, Ezekiel, Malachi, Matthew, Mark, Luke, I Corinthians, and I Peter to name just a few. That is to say that each passage needs to be interpreted in its specific context and the overall context of the Bible. I intend to keep my interpretation mainly limited to the context of 1 Corinthians.
We’re in the section in 1 Corinthians where Paul is answering questions the Christians at Corinth are asking him. Apparently, a teaching that promotes an ascetic lifestyle had gained popularity in the church as a way to live a spiritual life. As a result, married couples were withholding intimate relationships from one another. Paul taught that this is wrong, and that physical intimacy is a way to promote godliness among the Christian married.
Next, he addresses various conditions of life. His consistent theme is to stay put in that condition. In v. 8-9 he speaks to the unmarried and widowed. He tells them to stay in that condition unless they can’t live a celibate life. In vv. 10-11, Paul speaks to Christian couples. He tells them to stay married. Do not divorce. If they can’t live with one another, then separate but don’t divorce.
In vv. 12-16, Paul addresses the marriage where one has become a Christian but the other has not. They had been taught to associate with the lost, but they were not to be best friends with the lost. Marriage is even more intimate than that. Should they divorce their unbelieving marriage partner? No, they are to stay married unless the unbelieving marriage partner refuses to live with them. Then they are to release the unbeliever from the marriage. We are people of peace. Many commentators believe that Paul implies that the Christian is free to remarry. Others disagree with that position.
Basically, my studies revealed two broad positions. One position is there is no permission for Christians to divorce unless there has been some sexual sin like adultery or incest committed by one of the marriage partners. Some interpret this passage as saying abandonment gives a Christian permission to divorce and remarry. Paul said death (Romans 7:24) permitted a Christian to remarry. The debate really centers on remarriage more than divorce.
Another position says that there is something in common about adultery, abandonment, and death in relationship to marriage. They greatly harm the basic nature of marriage. Marriage is an exclusive relationship of loyalty and allegiance to one person. Adultery, abandonment, and death break that exclusivity and allegiance. If the scriptures permit divorce in these three areas, could they be representative of the kind of sins that permit a Christian to divorce. For example, the Bible doesn’t mention physical or extreme emotional abuse. One position would say the only option that the wife has would be to separate and not divorce. The other group would say this sin harms the fundamental nature of the bond of marriage.
Which is it? I don’t know. Scholars I respect are on both sides or some shade in between. Personally, I think there should be more separations and fewer divorces among Christians. I think separation would soften harden hearts and give time for the Holy Spirit to convict couples of their selfish concerns. Not all but many of the problems have to deal with hard hearts toward one another and wanting their own way.
There’s one other matter about the text I want to explain before we look at reasons to stay put in marriage. In v. 10, Paul said, “I give this command (not I, but the Lord).” He means that we have a specific word from Jesus about this situation. But in verse 12 Paul said, “To the rest I say, (I, not the Lord).” What he means is there is no direct word from Jesus about this particular situation of a believer married to an unbeliever. So Paul, speaking from his authority as an apostle, says here is what a Christian is commanded to do.
With that as background, I want to give four reasons why Paul says Christians are to stay married.
The first reason for Christians to stay put in marriage is marriage is a sacred duty.
I. MARRIAGE IS A SACRED DUTY (1 COR. 7:10-13).
This is the only command in the entire chapter. Paul may show ambivalence about whether the unmarried and widows should get married, but he is very consistent that the married may not dissolve their marriages.
In Matthew 19:1-10 some Pharisees sought to trap Jesus into diminishing the law of Moses. They ask him if it is lawful to divorce your wife for any reason. There was an influential rabbi who taught that the only reason for divorce was adultery. There was another influential rabbi that taught you could divorce your wife for any reason. If she burnt the biscuits or he found a prettier wife was sufficient reason to divorce her. Before Jesus answered the question of divorce, He taught them what God’s original design was for marriage. God intended marriage to be a lifelong, monogamous, intimate relationship between a man and woman. It would take an intrusion as horrible as adultery to break such a bond. What God put together man is not to tear apart. It appears Jesus meant us to understand that this is an absolute prohibition on our part.
Two men were talking and one said to the other, “You’re having an anniversary soon, right?”
The other replied, “Yes, a big one. 20 years.”
“Wow,” said the other, “what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?”
The other replied, “A trip to Australia.”
“Wow, Australia, that’s some gift!” said the other man. “That’s going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?”
“Go back and get her.”
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no “I” in the word marriage.” The wife said, “For my part, I have never tried to correct my husband’s spelling.”
There’s a reason the traditional vows of a wedding ceremony are framed the way they are. We promise to love, honor, and cherish for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness or in health so long as we both shall live. It is an admission that marriage is going to be difficult at times and our relationship is going to challenge our vow. Occasionally, a couple will want to write their own vows. That’s perfectly fine, but they must include this kind of long-term, unconditional commitment. We make promises to keep until we die. When the disciples understood what Jesus taught about the permanency of marriage, they said it would be better not to marry!
Actress Julia Roberts’ wedding to Daniel Moder featured the vow to “love, support, but not obey.” Will Smith’s vows merely promised good manners. He revealed that in his vows to Jada Pinkett in 1997 “our vows did not promise to forsake all others. The vow that we made was that ‘you will never hear that I did something after the fact.’ One spouse will ask the other, ‘Look I need to have sex with somebody—please approve it’.”
Civilization hangs on promises kept—and on promises worth keeping. These grotesque vows are parables of our times. (AlbertMohler.com, 8-5-05)
Marriage is created by God, and provided for us by God. Why did He do it this way? Marriage is about more than the propagation of the species. It is in this kind of commitment that men and women can best discover the real meaning of love and the way God loves us. Real love can be betrayed and yet not hate. Real love forgives, but it must be wounded in order to learn to forgive. Real love must be strong, so sometimes it must stand up for what is right and against what is wrong. Real love delays gratification. Love learns this discipline by putting others first. It is real love that makes us fully human.
In the movie Fireproof how did Caleb really come to love his wife Kathryn? Not when it was easy but when it was hard and sacrificial. Without this lifelong commitment inoculating us against the hard times—the trials and pains of marriage and raising a family would be too much for many couples to handle.
Marriage is under attack today. We think the greatest threat comes from the homosexual community. It does not. Too many Christians are liberals when it comes to the biblical duty of marriage. Liberalism promotes the notion that we ought to make whatever decision is best for us as opposed to obedience to the biblical idea of sacrificial love.
Fight for your marriage. You’re not the only one that has had these problems. Others have successfully resolved these matters. With God’s help you can too. Marriage is a sacred duty.
A second reason to stay put in marriage is children are shaped for God.
II. CHILDREN ARE SHAPED FOR GOD (I COR. 7:14)
What Paul means in v. 14 is the children will experience spiritual benefits because one of the parents knows Christ. This child will clearly see the difference Christ makes in a life and he will be drawn to Christ for salvation. In other words, stay married for the benefit of the children. Stay married so your children will be persuaded to become a Christian.
Today, there is a generation of children of divorce that has grown up. Elizabeth Marquardt is author of Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce. This scholar, a child of divorce herself, drew from her own experiences and also surveyed 1500 adult children from divorced and intact families. Then she interviewed 70 of them at length. Her book focuses on college graduates because they could be said to be reasonably successful, and they wanted to know how divorce had affected them.
One of the insights of the book was on marriage. The essential task of marriage is to make one home from two conflicting selves and this struggle is the ideal context for a child to grow spiritually and emotionally. When the family stays together, this struggle goes largely unnoticed by the children. After divorce, the conflict no longer rests on the parents shoulders but takes root in the heart of the child.
Now it makes sense. Every negative factor: alcohol and drug abuse, poor grades, promiscuity and other sexual deviances, suicide, and criminal behavior are two to three times higher in children from broken homes than intact homes. Those kids are acting out their hurt.
In times past, people use to advise a couple, “Stay together for the children’s sake.” My generation believed it was better for them to not be raised in a home filled with conflict, and besides life’s most important goal was for us to be happy. Now a generation of adults who were children of divorce is saying grandpa and grandma were right.
She discovered another interesting insight for the church. The church by and large focused on helping the parents but ignored the children. The religious leaders did not reach out to them. The adults that were interviewed said they needed a stable society that faced reality and refused to deal in happy talk--saying things like, “Children are resilient.” The church needs to find a way to defend the most vulnerable in our membership. God help us.
Jim and I went to Home Depot in Logan, Utah to get some supplies for the building project on the campgrounds where our mission team was staying. We’d found most everything but one particular size of lumber. A young man, an employee, 21 years old, offered to help. We discovered he was from Alabama. How did he get from Alabama to Utah, we asked. He came by way of a baseball scholarship. That resulted in a great baseball discussion.
I’m assuming a young man from Alabama must be a Baptist or Charismatic. I asked what church he attended. He told us he attended an LDS ward. In his home his father was a Southern Baptist but his mother was a Mormon. The parents decided to not impose one faith or the other on their children. They would let them decide. On Sunday morning, Chris would go to the LDS service. He implied that on Sunday evening and Wednesday he went to his father’s Baptist church.
He began to explain that both faiths were similar and taught good character. I interrupted and said they may appear to be similar but fundamentally they were diametrically opposed to one another. One taught the only way to salvation is by the grace of God through faith in Jesus Christ alone. You cannot earn salvation. The other said you had to be good to earn salvation. They are as different as black and white, night and day, oil and water.
I told him either his Baptist daddy is right and his mother is wrong, or his mother is right and his daddy is wrong. The two could not both be right. Which meant if his daddy is right, his mother is going to go to hell. If his mother is right, she would go to a greater heaven and his dad would be in a lesser heaven. We never got contentious. We maintained a friendly spirit, and he agreed with what I said.
Afterwards, Jim and I were jazzed over that conversation. How was it possible for that Baptist daddy to allow that to happen to his son! How could he be content with his son going to hell, and his wife? Obviously, we don’t know the whole story, but it appears that the one that lived their faith was the mother. The Christian father was to bless his son and persuade him to choose Christ. Instead, he allowed the boy to be damned.
Another point. If we understood his story correctly, the Baptist church had two opportunities to the Mormons one.
I know you love your children. Love them enough to stay put in marriage. Love them enough to live your faith. It powerfully shapes them for God.
A final reason to stay put in marriage is your partner may be saved.
III. PARTNER MAY BE SAVED (1 COR. 7:14-16)
According to v. 14, the believer may win the unbelieving mate to salvation. That was the testimony of the father in the movie Fireproof. His wife loved him to Christ.
1 Peter 3:1-6 says this same thing. The approach to winning them to Christ is not through nagging or putting gospel tracts under the marriage partner’s pillow. It is living a devoted Christian life. It is the only context I know where the Bible says you win them through your life and not your lips.
In the Peanuts comic strip Sally says to Linus, “I think I would be a good evangelist.” “Why?” asks Linus.
Sally answers, “I convinced the boy who sits behind me that my religion is better than his.”
“How did you do that?” asks Linus.
Sally answers, “I hit him over the head with my lunch box.”
Don’t be hitting your unsaved family member over the head. Live a devout Christian life. Share the gospel when you get a chance, but don’t be a bully.
Fuller seminar asked 750 former Muslims to fill out an extensive questionnaire about how they came to decide to become a Christian. The respondents were from 30 countries and 50 ethnic groups, representing every major region of Islam. They were asked to rank the relative importance of different influences that brought them to Christ. What they reported to have had the most influence on them to reject Islam, and all that means, and come to Christ was the lifestyle of Christians. They said things like there was no gap between profession and practice. They treat women as equals. They loved others rather than being unloving toward people who were different. The most powerful witness to people entrenched in the Islamic way of life was a consistent Christian witness.
Stay put in marriage. Live your faith. You may in time have a Christian marriage.
CONCLUSION
Some day airplanes will be artifacts, computers will go the way of the telegraph, and health experts will extol the value of ice cream! Things are always changing, except what is most important. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. And one other thing that is to be unchanging, by the grace of God, Ed stayed put with Carol.
INVITATION
An angry newspaper subscriber stormed into the reporter’s office and demanded an apology because he had been mistakenly put in the obituaries. The reporter said, “I never write retractions but what I will do tomorrow is list you in the birth column and give you a brand new start.” I’ve got good news. Today, you can start over with the Lord God. He will never leave you nor forsake you.
