Before I became a counsellor, while I was still going to school, I worked as a family support worker. Essentially I would pick up kids from troubled homes who social workers were involved with but hadn’t taken the children away yet, and I would spend a couple hours with them and take them back home, reporting back to the social workers who were monitoring the situation.
There was this one family with two kids; a wonderful, sensitive 7 year old boy, and a joy filled 4 year old girl. The mother and the two kids lived in a townhouse, and the father lived in another townhouse in the same complex a couple hundred yards away, but he couldn’t live with them because he beat the mother too often.
Neither of these parents had any handicaps or severe mental health issues, they were just lazy, irresponsible, and didn’t want kids interfering in their lives. Well the townhouse these kids lived in was absolutely full of dirty dishes, old scraps of leftover food, animal feces all over the floor, and the mom just sat outside in a lawn chair all day smoking cigarettes and chatting with all the other welfare mothers in the complex.
It broke my heart to take these children back to this place after taking them out and having some fun with them. Somehow while I worked with this family they were allowed to keep their children. These kids got no attention, either positive or negative, they were neglected in every way other than being fed.
But I found it hard to blame these parents, because their parents did the same thing, and when you don’t ever get a chance to leave that kind of culture, you just find it or create it wherever you go. There are always plenty of people living this way. They truly didn’t know how to do it any differently, and probably wouldn’t have wanted to anyway. Obviously they shouldn’t have brought children into the world, or so we would judge, but like I said they were irresponsible.
I knew that if these children didn’t get a change of environment, they would likely follow in their parent’s footsteps. The point I want to make about this story is that, even though we’re going to talk about various strategies for healthy parenting today, by far the most important part of parenting is how you live your life.
Because your kids won’t necessarily copy everything about your life, but they will use your example as a framework for their adult years. Amazingly, it seems like they even take on some of the characteristics or behaviours that we think they had never seen in us.
There are a few specific scripture references to parenting, but I think we need to look at the entire scope of scripture to really get a complete picture of how we are to parent. After all, God is the ultimate parent as our father, so all of Scripture gives us insights into being a parent.
The first theme that appears, which all of us parents can relate to is that it can be frustrating to be a parent. As we all remember it is to be a child too. As long as children have free will, parenting will be a difficult endeavor. We were frustrating to our parents at times, our children can give us frustration, and their children will bring it on too.
Imagine how God feels about all his children that do their own thing when he has given them everything they need to live well. But in spite of this disobedience and strange decisions, God loves us and we too love our children.
If we had to narrow down the rest of what the Bible says about parenting, it would be that parents are to teach and discipline their children. The other important challenges are to provide for them and keep them safe.
Now why do we do any of this? Isn’t it so that they will grow up and be functioning adults? Technically we are not raising children, we are raising adults. They need to be kids while they’re kids, but for 75% or more of their life, they’re going to be adults. So we should always have one eye on “how is what I’m doing in my child’s life right now preparing them for the future?”
God says the most important thing in this life is to have a mutually loving relationship with Him, and for us this is where parenting starts too. Just as His love for us is much greater than our love for Him, when we have children, our love for them will be greater than their love for us, at least initially.
Long before they love us, they are completely dependent on us for their survival. The building of trust is absolutely crucial in a young infant’s life. Many parents want to get their children independent as soon as possible, but if you think about it, doesn’t it make more sense to teach them initially how to be dependent on someone greater than themselves? We play the role of God in their lives until they can understand the concept of God. Ultimately they would be able to transfer that dependency from us to Him.
People who don’t trust and surrender by becoming dependent on God experience anxiety. And so do children who are forced to be independent too soon. We are not bears, who can get kicked out of the den in a year or so. God has made them ready to be on their own at that time, but God doesn’t fully equip humans to be completely independent for at least 20 years. And that, only if they’ve learned to trust and have been instructed well. How many kids now a days are living at home well into their twenties and even thirties?
If I don’t learn to trust as an infant by having all my needs met ASAP, I start operating in this world through fear. If I’m uncomfortable in my diaper and I do my best to communicate that to my parents, and they don’t respond quickly, a baby’s mind will become terrified that they are alone and have been abandoned. The reason this is terror for them is because to them, abandonment means death. When we get older we realize that we can survive without other people, but a baby or toddler can’t.
My experience has shown me that the more a child is forced into early independence and survival in the world on their own, the more dependent they are as adults, not less. A child who’s dependency needs are met appropriately throughout childhood is usually a more independent adult. This doesn’t mean spoiling them, but discerning what are actual needs and meeting them in a way that they can’t yet, or shouldn’t have to, not giving them everything they want, and not forcing them into situations that they are not yet equipped to handle.
The fact of the matter is that very few childhood experiences and activities, including school, actually resemble real life as an adult. Interaction between children is not much like interaction between adults. So these experiences may provide fun, allow kids to be kids, and have some usefulness in socializing, but they are rarely teaching children about life in their future adult world.
The bible says parents are to train their children, and before they have language skills, the training is primarily through behaviour, and the most important thing an infant can learn is that the world is a safe place to just focus on developing without fear. They make a noise, we respond by meeting a need. And if this is done consistently over time, the child learns that they have worth, and don’t have be in survival mode.
Now most parents are pretty good at meeting basic infant needs, though I will spare you some horror stories about when this doesn’t happen. But as children get older, parenting gets really tough, and the real training and challenges begin, because we are dealing not as much with physical needs, but the more complex emotional, social, and spiritual needs.
So I want to focus on two areas this morning, training, and disciplining.
I. Training
The first comment I want to make here is that we need to make sure we don’t abdicate this responsibility to schools, and churches, and the media. Those institutions often become gap fillers, especially the media. I fear that many parents depend almost solely on these institutions to teach their children, but the Bible is very clear that parents are to be the primary teachers of life and values in a child’s life.
In Deuteronomy 5 and 6 we hear Moses deliver the Ten Commandments and the 11th greatest commandment to love Him and other people. Now remember there are no schools or churches yet in Moses’ time, these people are wandering through the desert, and he says, “You shall teach (these commandments) diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.” Only parents can do that.
Then a little further on he says that when your children ask you in the future, what does all this mean? You tell them the story and what it all means. Then of course there’s the great advice in Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it”.
In the New Testament now, we have churches and probably some kind of schools, and Paul says in Ephesians 6 “children obey your parents, for this is right, and parents bring your children up in the instruction of the Lord”.
Notice he doesn’t say make sure you get those kids into Sunday school so someone else can teach them about some Bible stories for 30 minutes once a week. Not that that’s a bad thing, but it should by far not be the only thing in your child’s spiritual education.
The bottom line is, who do you want raising your children? Who do you want teaching them about values, and how to live in specific life situations? If you don’t do it, someone else will, and usually it’s more likely to be similar aged peers or the media, than it is going to be responsible adults who care about your child’s well-being.
Teachers have enough to do teaching the academics to 30 kids at a time, Pastors and Sunday school teachers are only going to have brief opportunities to teach more general stuff. It is the parents that are responsible for the rest.
So what is it we’re supposed to be teaching them? Well, if we stick with Deuteronomy and Ephesians, we see that we are to teach them how to live. We have the eleven commandments straight from our creator in Deuteronomy, and in there He says several times that these are the way to long life, and if you live these out it may go well with you. He’s promising a good and long life.
This is exactly what we hear again in Ephesians 6 when children are told to obey, and honor their parents. Again we’re put into the position of whether or not we are going to believe God and do things His way, or do things our way thinking we can somehow improve on these old outdated methods that are no longer relevant for us in the 21st century. Do we believe His ways still make our life better?
Remember you can’t say I believe in God and then not do things his way. Try explaining that contradiction when you stand before Him at the throne. If you believe He is who he says he is, you will believe that His ways are far better than anything else we can come up with.
Finally people, model a good relationship between a man and a woman in your marriage. Show by your example how a man should treat a woman, and how a woman should treat a man. Try to never speak badly of your spouse in front of your children. Marriage and parenting are the hardest things any person will ever do, give your children a good model to work from. Train them by your example.
The bottom line in all of this is, don’t expect from your children more than you expect from yourself, be the person you want them to be in your everyday life. Most parents know those little hypocrite finders we call our kids take more from what you do, than what you say, and those two things better line up.
Now you can’t train properly without:
II. Discipline
We learn by having positive or negative consequences from what we do. How many of you were told not to touch a hot stove, but you just had to do it anyway to prove it for yourselves. I bet you only did it once right? At least on purpose.
Often though, there are not such direct, natural consequences from things we do, say, or think, so we as parents have to come up with something especially when children directly disobey us.
Most Christians and many non-Christians are familiar with James Dobson’s “Dare to Discipline” books. I want to read an excerpt from the introduction. Remember this is a guy who condones spanking as discipline.(READ page 11 and 2/3 of pg 12).
Permissive, anything goes parenting doesn’t work either, again here’s a story from Dobson’s book (pg 15 half way down). Is there a better example of Proverbs 29:15, “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother”
Disobedience to parents is equivalent to rebellion against God. The Bible says it will go well with you if you obey your parents. Obviously disobedience and sin bring negative consequences, but obedience to parents and God brings enrichment. So this is not just a God promise, it is a natural reality in life. Think of times you disobeyed and paid a price that you wouldn’t have if you had obeyed. Our parents get wiser as we age.
Research shows that a child’s essential sense of self and basic worldview are pretty much developed by the age of six. Those first six years are crucial in the training of a child. Isn’t it interesting that most of that is before school starts. Respect, discipline, compassion, are not qualities that develop naturally on their own, they come from training.
Now a child who has been trained in these things up until age 6 may not show these qualities well yet, but by six years old you have built the foundation for the ongoing development of them, which may not fully materialize until adulthood. If this foundation isn’t built it’s more likely that these qualities never develop. We have a psychological term for adults like this, sociopaths, and these adults are pretty much written off as unchangeable, untreatable.
We’ve already heard from Scripture the importance placed on obedience and honoring of parents. Obedience is the crucial factor in disciplining a child. Again from Ephesians 6, “Fathers do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”.
Proverbs 23:13, “Do not withhold discipline from a child”. The word for “bring them up” in Ephesians is the same as the word translated “nourish”. So discipline and instruction of the Lord are considered nourishment to the child. Withholding discipline is like withholding food.
Dobson has another book and curriculum called “The Strong-Willed Child” and I think this may be some of the best advice about this part of parenting that I have ever seen. He says we need to distinguish between childish carelessness because of inexperience, and willful defiance or disobedience.
He says we can often use mild discipline or no discipline at all for childhood mistakes, because often they carry their own natural consequences that are meaningful to the child. However, when it comes to willful, on purpose defiance of parents, we need to be very strong with our discipline and he suggests that the use of spanking, not done in anger, can be effective for the first 7 or 8 years of life.
The second half of Proverbs 23:13 and verse 14 says, “If you strike your child with the rod, he will not die and you will save his soul from Sheol, or death”. This refers to spanking, not beating the child over the back with a metal pole or something. In other words if you don’t discipline, the child’s chances of real soul death, are greater than if you use effective corporal punishment.
Now this worked for me growing up, but I could not make myself spank my own children, so you sometimes have to be more creative, but it has to be something the child sees as very strong, something they truly dread. This seed of willful disobedience and disrespect has to be bred out of a child early, or it can be devastating later on.
But all of this needs to be done in a way that doesn’t crush the spirit of a child or humiliate them as a human being. And as Ephesians 6 says, we should not be provoking our children by constantly being on them, or treating them unfairly. Colossians 3 says this will discourage them.
So often we parents can be inconsistent, and kids seem to have this incredible radar and common sense that doesn’t seem to be there any other time than when we are disciplining them. They can pick up unfairness or contradiction so early in life. And usually the best we can do to respond is “who’s the parent here”, or “because I said so”.
We gotta be quick with discipline, the child needs to know exactly what the discipline is about, and we have to be consistent in applying it, no matter whether it’s corporal punishment, or some other form of discipline.
Never dish out physical discipline when you are really angry, you will usually make a fool of yourself and it’s so easy to cross the line, and so many people are watching these days. People are no longer hesitant to interfere when it comes to the treatment of children, and this is mostly a good thing.
Discipline needs be seen as loving and once it’s done, it’s done, and we continue to be the nurturer and provider. Again use God as an example, he punishes, but he is always ready to show grace, provision, and affection. Never forget how important affection is.
Especially dad’s with their daughters. Show appropriate affection with your daughters, they are wired to need this, and if they don’t get it from you, the only important man in their life, they may desperately seek it from other men later on, and being men, we know how some men can take advantage of this.
Conclusion:
Childhood is a small but very important proportion of life, but this entire life is a minute, practically immeasurable blip in eternity. So what should we really be preparing our children for? Now many people don’t believe there’s anything but this life, but that doesn’t make the possibility of eternal life untrue. What if it is true, wouldn’t we want to be prepared? Wouldn’t we want our children to be prepared?
A person who is prepared for eternity will also be best prepared for this life because they will live a good life as God planned and promised, filled with love and peace. God promises success to those who follow His ways. This success will come in different ways in this life, but the ultimate success will be in eternity.
So teach your children well, prepare them for this life, but don’t neglect the most important teaching, which will get them through eternity.
