Well, I’d like to welcome you because we’re on a journey together and our journey is to learn how to become effective parents in a defective world.
And I wanna share a story with you. It’s a traumatic one and one that actually happened. I did a funeral about four or five years ago and in this funeral it was really bizarre, because as the high schoolers came in about a third of them were dressed in black; another third were in black and had orange on and in Santa Cruz County these were called Gothics. These were kids that all dressed in black, they’d all dabbled in the occult, they were into the drug culture (13-, 14-, 15-, 16-year-olds) and they filed in with these solemn faces; some had white painted on their eyebrows. And what the tragedy was is this wasn’t a funeral that I was doing of some kid in the drug culture out there. This was a 15-year-old boy named Tyler in our church and this was from a middle-class family -- a Mom, a Dad in the home, nice home -- and this is a group of parents that found out their kid got involved with the wrong crowd. And, you know, he’s: "Oh, he’s going through the teen years. He’s only 15 and kids are gonna have their struggles."
Well, at Santa Cruz County, at the time, could you to get a hit of heroin. It was the drug of choice among high schoolers for under $10.00. And this boy got hooked and he got hooked quickly, and then he started running with another group of people. And they were people just like many of you, I mean, just normal parents who were caught off guard -- "What do we do?" They went through all the actions and looking for help, and by the time they figured out how deep their son was in it was too late. And they tried a rehab situation and that didn’t work and they came into his bedroom early one morning, after they thought he was clean for two or three weeks, and he was lying on the floor and he overdosed on heroin.
And I was called and his father’s a friend of mine, and we’ve got to know each other. And, actually, as a result of his death, his father started a foundation where he raises money to make parents aware of what they need to know is going on with their kids, and then when they find it’s a drug-related issue then what he does is he teams them with people to get them the help early enough, so that their kids don’t end up like his kid.
Can you imagine that? 15 years old and the shocking thing was not burying a 15-year-old. I looked around at the perversity of the culture. I looked at these kids all dressed in black, many with Satanic emblems and worship, and one after another got up and talked about how much they cared about Tyler and how they didn’t want to happen to them what happened to him. And then one little girl, about 14 years old, with tears in her eyes said, "But I don’t think I can stop. Who’s gonna help me?"
And what I wanna bring to your attention is the culture has so shifted, not only in America but all over the world, that it’s more difficult to be a parent than ever before. The stakes are different. When I was a kid, you got in trouble -- I still remember my first paddling in junior high. I threw snowballs at a bus. I remember chewing gum and having to sit in the trashcan, literally, 1st grade. You know? I remember the people who were really naughty; they smoked in the restroom or maybe even smoked a little dope. Your kids today can make one wrong decision and be HIV-positive one or two or three years later. Your kids can make one wrong decision and get in the wrong car and end up at a rave party, or be involved in drugs, or alcohol, or date rape.
It’s never been more difficult to be a parent in the stakes, flat out, have never been higher, and you need to understand the kind of world your child’s living in. Your kid is living in a world that is changing, it is uncertain, it is violent, it is fearful. In a word, it’s defective. I mean, there isn’t a right and wrong in your kid’s world anymore. There is moral chaos. There’s the fear of what will happen if he doesn’t go along with this or go along with that. Your kid’s living in a world that’s so different than what any of us grew up in. I mean, we’ve gone from Ozzie & Harriet to Ozzy Osbourne. We’ve gone from Leave it to Beaver to Butthead and Beavis, or whatever his name is. I mean, imagine just when you turn on the tube, if you’re watching a television 40 years ago and saw in America this is a family, and then you shut you eyes and fell asleep, and woke up 40 years later, and watched what’s on today, what is portrayed as a normal family -- kids are growing up, they don’t have a clue what a normal family is and, I’ve got news for you, the average parent’s not sure either.
And so, a parent’s challenge is what? How do we not get her children through landmines of change, of moral relativism, of information overload, of drugs, of alcohol, of peer pressure and sexual morality? The question I’m asking as a parent, and the question most parents that I know well are asking: "How can I be an effective parent in a defective world? Is there a way that I can navigate my child through this mess that we call our culture? Is it possible for a kid to grow up in all this mess and be godly?"
And I wanna tell ya, "Yes! God has a plan. There is hope." I mean, this Book is filled with stories of cultures more vile, more evil, more negative than we’re facing right now, and God choosing a little teenager that He chose to come to the planet on -- a little girl named Mary. He chose another teenager in one of the most perverse cultures in Persia. His name was Daniel and he revolutionized the entire future. God can take a normal parent like you, an ordinary parent like me, and with His Word, empowered by the Holy Spirit, He can teach you and He can teach me to help our kids break right through the culture.
We’re gonna spend our time learning together. Will we fail? Yes. I mean, big disclaimer. I have four kids -- 15, 22, 28 and 28. I’ve been through seasons of rebellion with them. I’ve been through times where Teresa and I sat up in bed, like many of you have sat up in bed, and literally cried not knowing what to do with one of our kids, we were so frustrated. At other times I’ve been so mad I had to stay in the bedroom before I talked to ’em, because I’d do something stupid. Parenting is hard. There’s times you’re gonna get discouraged. There’s times you think your kids are never gonna change. There’s times you’re gonna think it’s impossible. I want you to know, don’t give up and don’t give in.
Now, in this first session together, I wanna build a framework for all that we’re gonna talk about. Okay? Overarching principles: I want you to step back. Not a lot of specifics about what to do with this child, or this age or that age. I wanna give you a big, broad set of overarching principles about how to be an effective parent, and I’ve entitled this one How to Be a Positive Parent in a Negative World. And so, let’s jump in and start with Principle No. 1.
Principle No. 1 is Positive Parenting Begins with Positive Clear-cut Objectives. Okay? Positive parenting. You wanna be a positive parent. You wanna make a difference. It begins with positive, clear-cut objectives. On your notes, if you would, put a little squiggly line and then make a circle and draw a little target. See, someone has rightly said, "If you don’t know what you’re aiming for you’ll hit it every time." You have to have a crystal clear target. What is it that you’re trying to produce? What’s a parent to do? What are you trying to accomplish? And God gives us the Reader’s Digest version of the target or the goal in Ephesians 6:4. He says, "Fathers, don’t overcorrect your children or make it difficult for them to obey the Commandment." That’s the negative command. Positively: "Bring them up with Christian teaching in Christian discipline." Now, we’re gonna touch on this later, but notice that Dads -- we get a little nudge here that God wants us to have some real initiative in the family. And then notice there’s a positive; don’t do things that just frustrate your kids. As parents, there are some amoral issues. There’s some things that are a matter of style. Make sure you win the war and then don’t try and win every single little battle. So, don’t overcorrect your kids.
By contrast, it says bring them up in -- what? -- Christian teaching and Christian discipline. Take your pen and circle the phrase "bring them up." It’s a very interesting Greek word. In classical Greek literature this word meant "to rear," or "to nurture," or "develop," and its focus was on the physical development of a child. If you read this in a classical piece of literature it would have to do with the physical development of a child, how they get big and strong. However, as the Greek language progressed, later on it came to mean the total development of the child, not just physically but their education, their mind, their emotions. And so, by the time the Apostle Paul reaches back and uses this word, he’s talking about everything that goes into you as a parent helping your child develop his or her full potential. Do you get the idea? It’s rearing them, bring them up, nurturing them, and then you get the tools: Christian teaching and Christian discipline.
Now, notice I’ve put here the Principle of Focus, the Principle of Focus. I want you as a parent, before you leave here, to get clear in your mind the target on the wall, "The goal of me being a parent is this." Because my observation is when people look at the culture, most parents and a lotta grandparents, and especially single parents, are parenting out of fear instead of focus, scared to death. "I don’t want my kids to do that. I don’t want ’em to do that." And so, we try and either smother them, or keep them away from everyone, or do all this kinda stuff and we’re afraid. They go out with so-and-so: "I wonder what’s goin’ on." When you don’t trust your kids, when you don’t instill in them that you believe in them you will develop a little self-fulfilling prophecy, and they will begin to act in ways that give you reason not to trust ’em. And a lot of that is because we’re afraid.
Someone has said that maybe the best way to win is that a good offense is maybe one of the best defenses, and what I mean by that is when you know positively where you wanna take your kids, what the focus is, you won’t spend all your time worrying, and fretting, and being afraid of all things that might go wrong. Lemme give ya an example here: God’s dream versus the world’s dream for your child. See, a lot of us are afraid our kids are gonna get in trouble and so we create all these fences, and all these walls, and have all these provisions, and any time they get a little bit this way or that way we go nuts, and we have knots in our stomach at night.
By contrast, we have this thing that’s been built into our mind and our culture that says the real goal of parenting is that your kids be happy. You know, that every day -- "They deserve a break today." It’s sort of the McDonald’s theology of parenting and your kids believe it. In fact, I read that 40% of all McDonald’s sales -- are you ready? -- are Happy Meals. Who do you think’s making the decisions around America about where to eat at night? See, the world’s message to you is that your kid has to be involved in ballet, in sports, in piano. They have to have the right clothes because, "Johnny said this about that, and it’s not in if it doesn’t have this label or that label." And your job as a parent is to make sure they’re happy in every way, no one ever makes fun of ’em, they never have a bad day, and you, if you’re a really good parent then, then they’ll be good in athletics, they’ll get a better education than you, they will be upwardly mobile, they’ll have great social skills, they will make it financially better than you so all their life will turn out right. And unconsciously we’ve bought this hook line and sinker, that the goal or focus of parenting is to make our kids happy. I’ve got news for you: That is a dead end street. God’s dream for your child, by contrast, is that he or she be holy, not happy.
Jot down under that Romans 8:29. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s not that God doesn’t want your children to be happy. Here’s the deal. If your focus is to make them happy they probably never will be long-term. If your focus is to make them holy, the byproduct of holiness will be a genuine joy. But Romans 8:29 -- we all know Romans 8:28, or many of you do, right? "God works all things together": circumstances and difficulties, and ups and downs in our backgrounds. He’s a sovereign God. He works all things together for our good to those who are called, to those of us that love Him, and then no one quotes verses 29. And 29: "In order that he might conform us to the image of his Son."
You know that target that you put on your notes? Write the word ’Jesus’ on it. Your goal as a parent, my goal as a parent, is to help each one of my kids become like Jesus. Not externally, not have Jesus haircuts, alright? Not just have this Book down in their head. I mean that they would be kind like Jesus. They would be disciplined like Jesus. They would be other-centered like Jesus. They would be holy and pure because they want to be holy and pure the way Jesus was. My goal as a parent, your goal as a parent, is to have a singular focus and say, "God, will you help me cooperate with you so that we can work together on this gift you’ve entrusted to me, so that after a period of 8, 10,15, then 20 years or so this child loves you, has come to know you by your grace, and his or her values and convictions reflect the heart of God?" That’s how you get a ’A’ as a parent and -- you know what? -- they may go to Harvard or they may not even go to college. They may have more letters behind their name or no letters behind their name. They may be really, really good at sports, or a great athlete, or ballerina ’cause God’s designed ’em that way, or they may not even like sports even though you’re a great athlete. You see, all those things begin to blur things. Once you understand your primary goal is to help your child to know God, and then be like Him, it then recalibrates what you do in your schedule, recalibrates where you put your time. You get it? That’s Principle No. 1.
Principle No. 2 is Positive Parenting Demands We Practice What Week Preach. Those are the key words: we practice what we preach. The Apostle Paul speaking as a spiritual parent, he lead the Corinthians to Christ and he writes in Chapter 4, beginning at Verse 14 -- he says, "I’m not writing this to shame you, but to warn you as my dear children." You know, they’re havin’ problems in the Church. They’re getting a little bit off track and so the Apostle Paul, inspired by the Holy Spirit, is writing them and he says: Look, I want you to understand I’m not down on you, okay? You’re my dear children. I love you. And then, notice what he says: "Even though you have ten thousand guardians in Christ..." -- in other words, there’s a lotta people that’ll give you advice about how to be like Christ -- "you do not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the Gospel." Then notice the command. Look at Verse 16: "Therefore, I urge you to imitate me." The Apostle Paul says there’s a way to help little baby Christians grow up to be full-grown Christians that end up looking, and acting, and thinking, and living, and speaking and praying like Christ.
And did you hear what he said? First of all, "There’s a love relationship, even when you have to say hard things. I’m not down on you." And then he says, "Here’s what I want you to do. It’s a very easy curriculum. I urge you, imitate me. Corinthians, pray the way I pray. Corinthians, give the way I give. Corinthians, live a holy life, with all those temples and all the sexuality, like I’m living a holy life." Do you hear what he’s saying? This is the principle of modeling. We cannot, parents, impart what we don’t possess.
See, sometimes in parenting we think there’s all these things to do. "I need to do this. I need to do this and I need to give more time here -- my schedule here." You know the best thing you can give your kids is who you are ’cause, see, whether you like it or not this is scary. I mean, this is really scary stuff right now. They are going to be a lot like you, for better or for worse, so you need to be what you want them to become. The greatest energy -- that’s why I talk with one lady here, and she has a 9-month-old and I said, "You’re being really proactive." But it’s like what can you do with a 9-month-old? And I have a son who has a brand-new baby, my first grandchild -- it’s a month old -- but he can work on his parenting right now. You know why? ’Cause the more godly he becomes, the more godly that young lady becomes, the more he walks with Christ his daughter, her child, is gonna catch it, because more really is caught then taught. Your kids will not do what you say. You’ve learned that, haven’t you? They will do what you do.
And that’s not just Biblical. I was a Major in psychology with an undergraduate in graduate work, and if you have a psychological background there is a name that will bring an immediate bell: Bandura. Bandura did tons of research, and Bandura did all this research, and Bandura’s the king of modeling. And all the best psychology says this: The most powerful educational tool on the planet is not a book; it’s not a speech; it’s not a video; it’s not a tape; it’s not a program; it’s not a seminar; it is behavior modeled, that is observed. The most important teacher your child will ever have is the person sitting in your seat. And it’s biblical, isn’t it?
Jot down on your notes, would you, Luke 6:40, Luke 6:40: "Jesus said to his Disciples, ’When a disciple or a student is fully trained he will be just like his teacher.’" See, you could walk outta here and you don’t need anything more because, by and large, you can make tons of mistakes and many of you, by the time we get through, are gonna say, "I’ve made tons of mistakes." And you know what? There’s always hope because, as God changes you and your kids see the change in you, it always gives them hope. But here’s what you must understand: Don’t think about parenting as something you need to do to your kid. Think about parenting as, "First, I gotta get crystal clear on the focus. The goal is not that they’re successful. The goal isn’t that they’re happy. The goal is that they’re Christlike and holy. Second..." -- that’s the target -- "Second, I am the teacher."
Imagine, if you could, if you have one child, or two, or three, or four line ’em up on the couch. Okay? Have you got it in your mind’s eye? Just line ’em up right on the couch. And then you line ’em up on the couch and you say to ’em, "Now, look. I urge you, therefore, imitate me. You see the way I drive? Drive the way I drive. You see how I handle my money? Handle your money the way I do. You see how I handle my anger? You handle your anger that way. You see how I ask for forgiveness when I really blow it? Ask for forgiveness that way. You see how I talk? Talk that way. You see the shows that when I turn the clicker off, because I don’t think it’s appropriate, you click it off. You watch whatever I watch, you think whatever I think. Spend your time, your energy, and your emotions the way I do."
Now, parent, let me just ask you something, okay? Do you want your kids to turn out like you? Could do you honestly say, "Live the way I’m living. Read the Bible as often as I read it. Pray at the depth and the level that I pray. Be as generous, and as kind, and as open with others as I am." And, see, what you gotta accept and what I have to accept, whether I like it or not, that’s what they’re gonna do. And here, can I take you off the hook, but not much? ’Cause some of you are thinking, "Man, if my kids think the thoughts that go through my mind, my kid’s in trouble. If my kid handles his anger the way I blow up, man, we’ve got major problems. If my kid drives the way I drive he may kill half of Atlanta." Alright? You know, one of the most powerful things you model, and it has such huge impact -- remember the Scripture says, "Love covers a multitude of sins"? I cannot tell you how many times I have gone to my children -- they could tell you -- and when they were small I would get down on one knee and, after I did one of those things about, "This is not how to talk. This is not how to speak. This is not..." -- and then I would own that, and then I would ask them to forgive me, and I would tell ’em the behavior that I know they saw. And you know something? That’s what God wants you to be. It’s not about being perfect parents. It’s about being real. It’s about being authentic. It’s about them seeing you grow and you dealing with your stuff.
How do you become an effective parent in a defective world? There are some overarching principles that you have to get down. Principle No. 1 is you must get crystal clear on the target. Is it not that you produce little, successful, upwardly mobile, educated, highly athletic, talented machines. None of ’em are gonna be in the Pros anyway, okay? Just swallow hard. And if they are, they’ll probably live absolutely dysfunctional lives, like most of the Pros. And you don’t want that for ’em.
Second, you must be what you want them to become. Right? Can I ask you a question before we go on? Just lean back, lean back in your chair. You don’t need your pencil. What part of how you’re living right now needs to change for your kids’ sake? What is it about how you’re living, your walk with God, your relationships, an addiction possibly, a habit? What is it in your life you realize, "I don’t want reproduced in my little boy or my little girl"? Now, you could just lean right here and say, "Oh, God, before I think any more about what I need to do for my kids, since those little students, those little disciples will be just like me, would you show me what you want me to work on right now?" And cane we take just a minute. I mean, just pause and think what is it that you need to deal with, and then maybe think about maybe jotting, if you don’t want anybody to see, an initial or a little code to yourself that you say you’re gonna get with God on this one, and you’re gonna come up with a game plan, or He’s gonna help you become exactly who you long to become and need to, not only for the glory of God but for the benefit of your children. Okay? You got it? Okay.
Principle No. 3: Positive Parents Build Relationships that Bond. And by "bond" (b-o-n-d) I mean "connect." You see, as a parent -- overarching principle -- first there’s gotta be a target on the wall: holiness, Christlikeness. Second, you need to understand there’s a teacher, and the teacher isn’t a Sunday school; it’s not the Church; it’s not a private school; it’s not a guy down the road. The greatest teacher is you. Third, that teaching and that goal occurs in an environment, and the environment has to be an environment of relationship or love. You need to create an environment with your child where your heart and their heart get glued together. You follow me? And I’m gonna tell you why in a second.
One of the most powerful things you can do, after getting clear about what you’re supposed to us parent and after modeling it before ’em, is you need to build the kind of relationship with your kids like superglue, because there’s gonna be all kind of factors that are gonna try and pull you apart. There will be media, there will be peers, there’ll be events, there’ll be trauma that will try to pull your child away from you and away from God. And we’re gonna learn the stronger the relationship, the greater the probability they’ll walk with God through the hard times.
Listen to what the Apostle Paul says: "Divine illustration..." -- he gives a picture of how God parents and he talks about, again a spiritual parent, how he now was a father to the Thessalonicans, but listen to the application for moms and dads. He says, "But we were gentle among you" -- 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 -- "like a mother caring for her children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you, not only the Gospel of God, but our lives as well because you’d become so dear to us." Do you get the idea here? Here’s how a parent -- notice it’s the mother’s side of parenting. Underline the word we were "gentle" and then put a circle around the word, or phrase, "like a mother." And then "caring," underline that one. Verse 8: "We loved you...we were delighted to share with you." And then, notice why does all that happen? Because you became very "dear to us." Do ya see? He says that: "I wanted to love you in Christ the way a mother loves a baby or a young child." And you know what we get from here? We get the divine prescription for how a mother is to love a child, how a parent is to respond in intimacy and nurture. And not only did we share with you the Gospel, the content, the information -- but what’s the next line? -- but also our own lives. See, that’s a parent. When you give your life to your kids, that’s when that relationship connection comes together.
Notice now the contrast; Verse 11: "For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children." And then he says, "Well, how does that happen?" Encouraging, comforting, and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into His Kingdom and Glory. So, he says there’s a maternal side, but then there’s a paternal side. Here’s how fathers love. And did you notice the three key words? Encouraging, underline that; comforting, underline that; and urging you. And notice the Apostle Paul talks about how dads govern when they’re good dads: "Living lives worthy of your calling." Does that sound like someone had a target on the wall? Does that sound like there’s a crystal-clear goal, that you are in Christ and that you ought to live worthy of that calling, which is to be like Jesus? See?
Now, I did a word study on each of those words, and it’s very interesting, guys. Let me share it with you. Encouraging: That means you’re their no. 1 cheerleader. That’s the dad on the sidelines at the soccer game, or the basketball game, or with the girl in the recital he said, "Go for it. I love ya. I’m for ya." But dads just don’t do that.
Beyond encouraging, the next word is comforting, and it’s a very good translation but it’s unfortunate in that this word has a much broader view than just comfort. This word is also translated at times, exhort. It’s also translated at times, admonish. The essence of it is speaking into the lives of your child, to both comfort and challenge in order for them to be all God wants them to be. And so, there’s times as a dad where you’re on their team, and you can do it, and you’re affirming, and then you see them begin to veer off-track. And when kids veer off-track they often need one of two things. Right? Sometimes when they veer off-track they need you to put your arm around ’em, say "Honey, I just don’t feel really good about that guy you’re dating, and I don’t think this is a good direction to go, and let’s talk about this. Let’s not go there." And other times what they need is, "Honey, I told you I don’t feel good about that guy, and you’re starting to run around with him. We made an agreement, right? Let’s not go there. Are we clear?" Right? And she gets it.
The third word is very strong. When it says, "I urge you" this is a very strong -- this is a dad drawing the line and says, "You cross over that line after I’ve affirmed you already, and we’ve talked about this, and there are consequences, and they’re comin’ quick, baby. You’d better tow the line." And isn’t that kind of a role of a dad, to say, "I love you so much that I will not tolerate behavior that will bring destruction to you"?
Now, I put a little chart down here because what were really talking about is the principle of relationship. I’m gonna give you three quick axioms and I think you can have room to put them on your paper. The first is: The stronger your relationship with your child, the more likely they will embrace your values and beliefs. I’ll say that again, just a little bit slower. The stronger your relationship with your child, a relationship with your child the higher the probability that they will embrace your values and your beliefs.
Now, the inverse is axiom no. 2: The weaker your relationship with your child, the less likely they will embrace your values and your beliefs. Now, let’s get real clear on this whole parenting thing right now. You do not have the power to be perfect parents that produce perfect little kids. Alright? You have the power, as a parent, to create an environment of love, and truth, and grace that gives them the greatest possibility to respond to God, but they are people and they’re gonna come to an age where they make decisions.
And I can take you to 20 years of pastoring, and I can give you families that I think are great -- parents love God, model Christ, and have a couple kids that went off the deep end. And I can take you to Santa Cruz Bible Church and to a girl who works there now who’s -- unbelievable background: Mother and father split and then the mother started dating some guy, and she didn’t want the girl, the father didn’t want the girl. She ended up sleeping on a cot in the laundry room of her mother’s girl’s boyfriend for two or three years during high school, and she’s one of the most godly young women I’ve ever met in my life.
So, don’t get this correlation: "If I do everything right as a parent, all my kids come out great. And if I ever make a mistake, oh, tragedy." You’re not that big and you’re not that important, but what you can do is you can create an environment where there’s a clear target on the wall, where you’re modeling Christlikeness and you build a love environment that produces the kind of environment that gives that kid the best chance to respond to the Grace of God. And then, when you’ve given it your best shot then you need to let the moral weight land on your kids. Sometimes they make some very bad decisions and then we’ll talk a little bit later about how would respond when that happens. The third little axiom is that tension, and stress, and difficulties are normal. Do you all know that? Teenagers, you got teenagers? How many teenagers in here? It’s normal, isn’t it? How many -- anybody got toddlers -- 2, 3? Little stress, little tension? The problem is not if the relationship -- the issue is not if the relationship’s gonna be tested, it’s just when.
Now, I’ve put a little picture -- did you get the little picture? It’s the values and beliefs -- and notice I put ___ the parents lifestyle; it’s not what you think you believe, alright? Whatever your real values and beliefs are, what really come out of your gut, what come out of your heart, what come out of your lifestyle -- I mean, if your kids looked at your Visa bill; if they looked at your day-timer; they looked at your PalmPilot; they looked at how you talked, how you drove, when you prayed, when you didn’t, I mean, who you really are -- the tighter the relationship you have, that’s that bridge that will transfer those beliefs and values into their heart, into their mind, that comes out their lifestyle, and the stronger the bridge the greater the weight of truth the bridge can hold. And that’s why the greatest thing you can do after walking with God yourself, and getting crystal-clear on the focus, is to create relational love in your home, and spend time with your kids in a way so that, when the difficult times come, there will be that superglue that, even though they may go off here, and go off here, and go off there, they know in their heart you love ’em, and they know in their heart that something really matters and that you’re for ’em.
I’m gonna tell you a little bit later, I had one son that went through about plus or minus four years of rebellion and, by the Grace of God, he didn’t go over any big moral boundaries that I knew about, but as you get to be a parent and they get older they keep telling you things that they did, and you said, "Oh, my gosh! I’m glad I didn’t know about that." So, I don’t think he went out -- he never got in any trouble in drugs, or alcohol, or some things that could have really messed up his life. But he would tell you, and I will tell you, that we went through about four years that when he had, maybe like wrestling practice that went late and he didn’t make it to the supper table -- and I felt so guilty -- it was like, "Oh, this feels so wonderful that he’s not here." You been there? Any of you parents, any of you have this conflict that, I mean, you were just at each other and you push each other’s buttons, and you’re making him crazy, and he’s angry, and there’s unresolved conflict. And he was a very intelligent kid, which made it worse ’cause he knew which buttons to push and he’d get right up to the line, and then when I was just about -- then he would back away and, I mean, he just made us nuts. And, to be honest, I made him nuts, and I did a lotta things that I’m sure were completely unhelpful for him, but he came back around.
I mean, he did a dramatic 180 and I believe at the heart of it was the Grace of God working in his life, but at the heart of it, too -- I heard him say something. He said, "You know? I know you and Mom love me." I mean, we got to the point where he said, "Dad, I think you’re an okay person, but I just wish you weren’t a Christian dad. I don’t know if I buy any of this stuff about Jesus. I don’t know if I believe in anything that..." -- I’m a pastor. You know, "Take a dagger! Stick it through my heart!" You know, right? And it couldn’t have hurt me any more, but I decided early on, and we’ll talk about it, that there would be nothing, ever, any of my children could do to stop me from loving them. And I decided early on, from God’s Word, that, also, as long as they lived in my house they would not have their own selfish way. Boundaries, love: There’s the highway, those are the guard rails.
Now, here’s the question: How do you build those kind of relationships? Let’s say you get the target and it’s clear, and you say, "I want my kids to be like Christ." And let’s say you’re honest; you have ups and downs and struggles like me, and there’s times where your tongue gets you in trouble, and surety to make improvement, but you’re growing, and you wanna have these kind of relationships. How do you develop ’em practically? Turn your notes over and let me give you eight specific ways to build relationships that will help you bond with your kids, so when the difficult times come it’ll produce that superglue that keeps you together.
First thing I found that will help you bond with your kids is express unconditional love. Most negative example: We had a guy in our Church and he actually had a couple kids taken away from him, so this is how not to do it. When he got really angry at his kids he would say, "You better straighten up right now or I’ll have you taken away like those other kids!" Now, we may not be that drastic, but when we communicate to our kids we love them when they’re good and we don’t love them when they’re bad, we are settin’ ourselves up for failure. There’s a lotta times when this particular son was going through rebellion, is that I took him out to breakfast and I didn’t wanna be there and I could tell he didn’t; he’d just roll his eyes. And there’s times my emotions -- I didn’t feel like, but I constantly verbalized and affirmed, "I love you, son. Your Mom and I, we love you, son."
"Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"No. We love you son."
Unconditional love, all the way through, is a powerful, powerful relationship-builder.
Second is scheduled time, scheduled time. I really encourage you to not have a work calendar and a home calendar, but to get ’em on the same calendar, especially men. You’ve got all these important meetings with all these important people, get your kid’s name on your calendar: Monday morning, breakfast; dinner, 5:30 or 6:00 p.m.; Monday, Wednesday, Friday; the whole family. Prioritize it in. And you get a big phone call, and it’s real important, and they need to meet with ya, here’s what you say. It’s an amazing thing. "Oh, I’d love to come. I already got a meeting."
"Oh, okay. Well, can you make it Tuesday, then?"
"Sure." Is that amazing? Or what do we do? We think time with our family is optional. We think our kids’ll understand. I got news for ya. Business deals calm, business deals go, the kids come up for a window and they are gone, and what you do during that window makes all the difference in the world. You must schedule time with your kids: Get them on the calendar, do fun stuff with them, eat dinner together, take them out individually for a date time. But you’ve got to schedule time. Put them on your calendar.
Third is focused attention. It’s again from my background, but there’s unbelievable studies that when you look someone in the eye, and give them your attention while they’re talking, it communicates that you love them. You know, a lotta kids get this: Parents here reading the paper. "How was your day at school, honey?"
"Oh, it was good Dad. Lemme tell you about..." --
"Oh, yeah, that’s good. Uh-huh, that’s good."
Or they’re driving the car. "Well, how’s everything goin’?" And they start talking and then you’re figuring something out: "What am I gonna have for dinner? You know what? Should I go to Kroger today? Or maybe I should go -- I don’t know. There’s a sale on -- oh, yeah, yeah, right."
Can I give you a quick application on this one? When you eat dinner, and I hope you eat dinner together -- if you aren’t, you will when we get done. It is a God-given, ordained thing that families turn off the tube and eat dinner together, so you have focused attention so you actually listen to one another, and what they say matters. Focused attention means your body language and your ears, and you follow up with questions like what they said actually meant something to you. You got it? It will communicate powerfully that you love ’em and builds a relationship. Right on top of that is eye contact and when you have the small ones, especially us dads sometimes we forget, you have -- remember when they’re little and they come and they grab your knees and stuff?
By the way, this is an aside, this is free. What I learned early on -- I was a pastor early on and a workaholic, and when the phone rang I would jump up, and I’ve gotta go meet someone’s need, and my wife just said, "Why don’t you just lighten a little bit." And, "Oh, they need me, they need me, they need me. Oh..." -- you know, I was a little a -- behind workaholism is ego, it’s arrogance, it’s grandiosity. It’s the lie that you think you’re so important that everyone needs you, and then you tell everyone how busy you are as a stroke of your own importance. And you know how I knew when I was too busy? Is when you’re walking and the kids are on like this that means you’re too busy. And what I learned is, especially when they’re small, I need to get down on one knee, especially when I’m talking to them, and look at ’em eyeball to eyeball, and that means when you’re talking at the table and they talk, you turn your body and you look at ’em eyeball to eyeball. When you have unconditional love expressed, when you schedule time with them, when you give them focused attention like they really matter and look into their eyes, you know what you’re doin’? It’s like putting money in the relational bank and it gains interest.
No. 5 is what I call "ongoing communication." And if I’m repeating myself on this one, it’s on purpose. Let me give you three specific ways to develop communication with your kids. No. 1: Eat dinner together. Have we heard that one yet? Eat dinner together. And I understand -- you know, there are some American families, some Christian American families, dinner together is in the minivan as you drive through Burger King or McDonald’s on the way to the third practice this week. Unconsciously, I hear guys who say, "I have never missed one of my daughter’s soccer games in four years."
And I’m thinking, "That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. So, you’re telling an 8-year-old that your entire family’s world revolves around soccer? Ho-ho, play that one out for 15 years. She’ll think the whole world revolves around her."
Try this one on: We eat as a family at this time, and our family is what matters. You may miss a practice or two. "Oh, but I can’t do that, ’cause the coach says this..." -- that’s ’cause the coach’s ego’s involved in what happens with 9-year-olds kicking balls around, trying to win things, and getting little trophies that no one can find a year from now. You make time with your family important and eat together. And, by the way, I’m an old athlete. I played basketball and baseball in college, and played basketball overseas. I love sports and I got news for ya: The whole organized sports thing is overrated. Twenty years from now your kid, with you throwin’ the ball in the back yard, and you going to the park with some kids in the neighborhood will have this much impact compared to the zillions of parent sitting, screaming at kids who all are feeling this unbelievable pressure.
Now, am I saying all youth sports are bad? Not at all. I’m just saying we’ve got the whole thing out of whack. We’ve got whole families whose world revolves around youth sports. I could name two families where I came from, they got so involved -- now, when your kids get good then they do all the traveling teams, right? And if you’re on the traveling teams, where are you on Sunday mornings? Traveling, right? So, what are you teaching your kids? "Oh, man, you’re gonna be a star." Basketball, soccer, softball, fast pitch, whatever it is, "It’s a lot more important than God."
"Oh, Chip, I would never think that."
It doesn’t matter what you think, it’s what you’re modeling. Remember? Your kids are not gonna do what you say. They’re just gonna do what you do. Ooh, I think we hit a few raw nerves on that one. I’ll let you kinda ponder and prayerfully smoke that for a while.
Ongoing communication, dinner: Give me a second one. Bedtime, especially when you’re kids are young, but even now -- I mean, with my kids nearly all grown, man, always kiss ’em goodnight. When they’re small you always read ’em a story. And men, if you wanna endear -- I mean, you have a role. Make up stories. Read a Bible story. Make up stories. I made up the wildest stories. I made ’em up as I went, and then it would get too late and I’d say, "And now, the exciting conclusion, tomorrow night." I had no idea what tomorrow night was gonna be, but we had such fun, and you tickle, and the pillows. Dinners, bedtimes, and the third one under ongoing communication: shared experiences. Plan in times, build memories, go camping -- it’s hard, go camping -- go to Disney World, go out for milkshakes, play basketball on the driveway. When they have one of those school projects and they want a parent to go and stay up all night on the boat -- well, that was -- there is a quick aside, but they ask parents to come and it was an authentic boat with authentic captain, and everyone was dressed in uniform, and all the kids were the crew, and they learned responsibility. And I volunteered, as a parent, out of sheer commitment to my children. I was up all night and having these kids order me around like crazy, and I was freezin’, and I can still remember it to this day, and so can my child.
Plan it in, shared experiences, ongoing communication. Meaningful touching: hug your kids. Dads, again, when they’re small wrestle, wrestle, wrestle, wrestle. It doesn’t mean any of your kids are gonna make it to the WWF or anything like that, but have you ever wondered why your kids wanna wrestle? They wanna touch you. One of the most powerful vehicles of love in the world is the human hands, and arms, and touching, and loving, and holding. My daughter, when she was little I tried to communicate to my wife that, "Honey, it’s just because I love our kids." And every time -- ladies, you know when you’re cooking, your husbands they always wanna hug and kiss, right? "Would you get outta here?"
"Well, honey [Kissing]..." -- I say, "I’m doing this for the kids. I’m modeling for the kids. It’s good."
And so, finally she’s put her hands down, okay, and she’d hug me, and my little girl would run and she’d say, "I wanna do a sandwich. I wanna do a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." And she would get in between us and I would hug my wife, and she would be in the middle. What do you think she’s really saying? She’s really saying is, "Man, I wanna feel life and body all around me, of people that I trust, and I feel safe." Don’t ever stop hugging.
And I keep tapping to the men, because I think in our culture what happens when your girls start to develop and they grow up, don’t stop huggin’ ’em. Hug ’em appropriately. If your little girl doesn’t get positive appropriate male attention she will go find male attention somewhere else. And, yet, it’s just a weird thing for a man, so I’m just gonna shoot it straight. You wake up one day and she’s a little girl, and you wake up and she’s a young woman, and you go, "Whoa! She’s a little girl. She’s now a woman. She’s really pretty and attractive, like my wife, and she’s developing everywhere." And, as a man, you kinda feel like, "I love ya, honey." And you know what you’re daughter is -- you’re just Dad. You know what she needs? Man, she just needs you to hug ’em, and love ’em, and hold ’em, and touch ’em at every age. You want relationships that build bonds.
No. 7 is have fun together, have fun together. Boy, there’s some parents -- even the parents that I’m really concerned about, too -- the parents that don’t seem to give a rip and are neglectful, but the other parents that I’m really concerned about are the ones that are so spiritual. "Okay, Johnny, I know we’ve only done four hours of Bible study tonight. Will you give me that verse right now? We’re on our way to a... You have to have all 57 perfect. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go."
You know what kids like that do? They go, "My parent is a nut, and as soon as I can get outta here I’m leaving." Everything is so spiritual and so rigid. Family devotions are very important. We’re gonna talk about ’em, and they should be brief, they should be focused, they should be fun, and you gotta have fun with your kids. Try doing what they like to do. You know, try this. In fact, at our home, when our kids were growin’ up, Monday through the end of the week we didn’t watch any TV at night. We just turned it off. And you know what you -- I mean, it’s boring by like 8:00 p.m. and so all my kids are musical. Why? There was nothing else to do. Some of ’em got big and strong. You know why? Man, you had to go out and lift weights, there was nothing else to do. And you played boards games and you goofed around. Have fun. I bet I’ve played thousands of games of one-and-one and two-on-two in my driveway, and you’re laughing, and talking, and giggling, and playing H.O.R.S.E., and then you look up at the stars and it’s unplanned. "Oh, God, thank you that you love us. Oh, Lord, thank you for my son or my daughter." Thirty-second prayer. You know what your kids learn? There’s not some little rigid window that says, "We’re going to Church now. We have our Bibles now. We will be holy." It’s life, it’s God, it’s worshiping, it’s being a living sacrifice.
And then, finally, pray together. I just pray together. Have fun together, pray together. Pray at the table. Pray at bedtime. Pray during crisis. When you hear one of the sirens go by, pray and let your kids know that "Someone’s hurting somewhere. Go ahead and pray."
I didn’t even notice it. A few years ago we got in the car and were ready to go somewhere, and my daughter said, "Dad?"
"What?"
"Are we gonna pray?"
"Oh, yeah." We had formed, over the years, a habitual habit that you got in the car, where are we gonna go? Pray for safety, pray for where we’re gonna go. I didn’t even -- it was just an unconscious thing and I skipped it, and she said -- you know what? -- I said, "Thank you, honey." But pray.
Now, one of the fun things that our family now -- my family was six and now we’re down to three, and it seems like it’s either Tuesday or Thursday night. I can’t remember exactly how it works, but we eat dinner and then we sorta debrief and we have all the little -- but it’s a little bit more formal and we go around and talk about, "What do you want us to pray for you?" And then, we pray for the rest of our family, and then we pray, and then we do the dishes, and then we go get ice cream. Do you get it? It’s scheduled, you pray, but it’s not like otherworldly, and then you go celebrate. Let’s go get some ice cream. Let’s come before God, let’s live righteous lives, and then let’s have fun. Let’s model the joy and the power of Christ, just in who we are and how we live.
Final principle is that: Positive Parenting Requires Constant Repair and Ongoing Maintenance. Constant repair and ongoing maintenance. Anybody believe that here? Can I tell you that if you come up with the perfect plan -- and I got so frustrated early. "This child needs that, this child needs this. This one’s a bit compulsive. Okay, good. We’re gonna put a list of all their chores. When they do the chores we put a star in the box. When we put a star in the box they respond. They’re doing their chores now. It works, it works, it works." Three months later it doesn’t work at all. "This one’s struggling in school. We come up with a plan. I’ll do the math, you do the English. We help ’em, we help ’em, we help ’em. It works." And then, it doesn’t work at all. "These two aren’t getting along. So, we have ’em memorize this verse, and when they scream and yell at each other they have to put a quarter in a jar. Great! It works." And then, it doesn’t work at all. "We’re doing real good. We’re being really consistent." Then I sit in the old La-Z-Boy and they’re screaming at each other. "I’m too tired to discipline ’em now." It’s not workin’ again.
Positive parenting requires constant repair and ongoing maintenance. You never get it wired. You never get it perfect. Your kids are never gonna have it all together. I can remember one or two times -- ready? I can remember one or two times when all my kids were doing well at the same time, and I put three up on purpose. I’m just trying to let you know, it’s not neat, it’s not clean, you don’t have it together, the devotions don’t work out. When someone gets up and talks about this stuff it sounds so good and so organized. Life is messy and that’s why 1 John 1:9’s in the Bible, ’cause he understands who’s really sitting in this room, and he understands every single person that’ll ever watch this tape. And he understands there are people that struggle and they long to do better, and there’s private things in their heart, and there’s things in their past. And there’s people in this room that have screamed at their kids, and there’s people in this room that know that they’re neglectful. There’s people in this room that are trying so hard and that are so frustrated. There’s people in this room that are ready to give up. And God would say, "Hey, hang in there. I’m at work. Co-laborer with me. Keep a clear focus on the target." Right? Remember you’re the teacher, model it, and even if you’re not doing well model that you go to God and ask Him for forgiveness. It’s amazing. Create a loving environment and then, when you blow it, 1 John 1:9.
What’s the promise here? If we confess our sins, He’s faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins, and purify us of all unrighteousness. This is the principle of process. Don’t forget this one. Don’t walk outta here discouraged. Don’t walk outta here thinking, "I’m not modeling close to what Jesus wants me to. I’m a terrible parent." Okay! Ask Him to forgive you for that part and get back on the track. Okay? What kinda parent are you gonna get if you just leave down in the dumps. There is hope, there is power, there is God’s Word, there is His Spirit. There is a community of believers; confess your sin. Own it. He will cleanse and He will forgive.
And, by the way, there are five powerful words that you need to use regularly. The first two are "I’m sorry" and the last three are "Please forgive me." It’s never too late. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know where you’ve been. I don’t know how discouraged -- you may think you’ve really blown it. I’m telling you tonight there’s hope, there’s hope, there’s hope, there’s hope, there’s hope, there’s hope. God can take any mess that you have and He can turn it around, and I could give you lists and lists and lists of stories of other people. But, more than that, I can tell you that you’re looking at someone that never opened a Bible ’til he was 18, that married a woman that didn’t open a Bible or come to Christ ’til she was 25. We’d both come from families that had alcohol in the background, so they were dysfunctional. We happened to be a blended family because my wife came to the Lord after she was abandoned by her husband, so here we have two kids together with two adults, no Christian background, dysfunctional pasts, we’ve never opened the Bible, and we don’t have a clue of what we’re doing. And I got four kids that walk with God and love Him with all their heart, because it’s never too late and you never have to give up.
And I think God has me teaching this for a reason. I think He would say to you, "If he can raise kids that love God out of a background like [mine], and a background like [my] wife’s, and bringing [us] together, there is hope for everyone." I don’t come from a lineage of, "My grandfather was a pastor and his father was a pastor, and I’ve known the Bible since I was..." -- I mean, I opened it and I thought, "This is all new to me." And so, if it’s all new to you and you’re struggling, can’t wait ’til we get together next time. We’re gonna learn, from God’s Word, how you can be an effective parent in a defective world.
