Working Toward a Great Marriage
Part 2 – Love and Respect
Ephesians 5:22-33
May 30, 2010
THE AUDIO OF THIS SERMON CAN BE FOUND AT WWW.ABERDEENWESLEYAN.ORG
NOTE: THE ME/WE/GOD/YOU/WE FORMAT IS FROM ANDY STANLEY’S BOOK, "COMMUNICATING FOR A CHANGE."
Me/We:
This is the second of a two-part series on marriage.
As I mentioned two weeks ago when we started this, this stuff isn’t very easy for me to talk about.
Not because I don’t know what I’m talking about when discussing this, it’s just that I’m very aware that I’ve got a way to go in all this myself.
I’m still working on being the best husband I can be for Debra.
So I hope that I don’t give the impression that I think I’ve got it all figured because I don’t.
When giving a message like this you run the risk that I saw in a cartoon one time when the pastor and his wife are driving home after the service, and he says, “You know, my sermons would be a lot more effective if you wouldn’t yell, ‘Ha!’ after each point.”
I’m grateful for a wife who would never do that, but some people might be thinking that as I go through this material today.
I think that all of us would agree that marriage is waaaay too complicated and complex to just deal with in two messages about 30 minutes each.
So my intention isn’t to give you all there is to know about how to have a great marriage.
What I really hope is that you’ll find something here that you can improve on, then find resources that might help you, and then go for it as a step to helping you honor God in your marriage and to helping people and especially your kids see the love Jesus has for His bride, the Church.
James Dobson said, “Even if marriages are made in heaven, man has to be responsible for the maintenance.” (1001 Quotations that Connect)
My hope is that you’ll all choose to be proactive in maintaining and improving your marriages.
God: We’re going to look at a passage we looked at briefly two weeks ago but didn’t get into very deeply
Ephesians 5:22-33 (p. 829) –
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
In the last message I focused on how this passage tells us how Christ’s relationship with the Church is our model for how husbands and wives should relate.
Today we’re going to look a little deeper into that.
We won’t cover everything that could be said in regard to this passage and marriage, but I do think you’ll walk out of here with something tangible that you can put into place right when you leave here today to work toward a great marriage.
Wives, according to this passage, your husband has a couple really huge needs: submission and respect.
We’ll start with the idea of wives submitting to their husbands, because I think that this is one of the most misunderstood aspects of the wife’s role in the home.
Submission –
This is mentioned three times in the first three verses of our passage here.
Submit simply means to do whatever your husband tells you to do – whenever he tells you to do it.
I could just hear the wind getting sucked in by every married couple here. The women just about had a heart attack thinking, “You didn’t really just say that.”
And the guys are having a heart attack thinking, “Did you just really say that? Alright!”
I said that simply to break the ice a bit before explaining what submission is really all about.
So I’ll wait a moment while the ladies in particular grab some paper bags to breathe into as they realize I didn’t really mean that, okay?
First, let me say that the term “submission” can’t be looked at through either feminist or chauvinist lenses.
It’s not an issue of the husband being the “lord” of the wife and the wife being the slave of her husband. That’s not the way it works. Submission doesn’t mean “doormat.”
Our concept of submission has to come from the concept of submission that exists between Christ and the church: Christ loves the church, and the church submits to him.
Christian marriage involves mutual submission, subordinating our personal desires for the good of the loved one and submitting ourselves to Christ as Lord.
The wife’s submission to her husband is one way that she can demonstrate her submission to Christ.
She does this voluntarily out of love for her husband and for Christ. (Life Application New Testament Commentary).
Submission, at its heart, is the wife trusting the husband to be the head of the family, understanding that God will hold him accountable for the success or failure of that marriage and family.
And it’s trusting God that He will take care of you as you trust your husband, especially if your husband is trying to live for Christ.
Another way to look at this thing about submission is to understand that one of the husband’s jobs is to protect you.
It may help to think of an umbrella. The umbrella isn’t any more special than you are. But when you stray from the protection of the umbrella you suffer for it.
When you submit to the spiritual leadership of your husband, there is protection there, just as when the husband submits to Christ, there is protection from the forces of evil that try to tear us and our marriages apart.
Respect –
Our passage says that while husbands are to love their wives, wives are to respect their husbands.
Does your husband have your respect as not just the head of the household, but as the one who is ultimately responsible to God for the success or failure of your marriage?
Speaking well of your husband and speaking well to your husband, especially in front of others, is critical if you want a great marriage, and it makes it easier for the husband to take care of his end of the deal laid out in the rest of the passage.
Guys, the bulk of the passage is directed to you and me. Your wife has needs, too, and the main one addressed in this passage is love.
The bottom line of what the Scriptures are trying to communicate here is that we are to love our wives.
Paul gives us four ways to do that.
- Self-sacrifice.
The passage says that Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Christ loved the Church so much He died for her. He put His glory aside for the sake of His bride, the Church.
He could have stayed in heaven and let us get what we deserve for our sins, but His love for us drove Him to do what was best for us, at great cost to Himself.
And we need to do what’s best for our wives, even when it costs us greatly.
I think most husbands understand that, but husbands can be just as selfish as anybody, and we can look to our own needs before looking to the needs of our family and especially our wives.
And yes, this means that we often have to put our wives’ needs ahead of our own conveniences.
Which means that date night might happen while the Twins game is on TV.
A third way we’re supposed to show our love to our wives like Jesus does the church is in our…
- Protection and Provision.
He cares for his wife like Jesus cares for His own body.
Paul says that no one hates his own body, but rather he feeds and cares for it.
In the same way, we need to feed and care for our wives.
Obviously that includes things like food, clothing, and shelter, but it also means things like affection, nurturing, and protecting her from harm.
Your wife needs to feel like you’ll step in front of a wounded bear for her. Or a gossip who’s spreading rumors about her. Or a rebellious child.
We’re supposed to protect and provide for our wives.
Here’s the third way we need to show our love for our wives:
- Spiritual leadership –
Look back starting in verse 25 –
Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
The husband takes responsibility for the spiritual condition of the bride.
This doesn’t mean you are her spiritual “superior.”
The Bible says that men and women are equal heirs with you in Christ, and that you need to treat them with respect so that your prayers aren’t hindered.
It’s up to the husband to make sure that his wife and family are getting regular intake from the Word of God so they can be holy in God’s sight.
Church, Wednesday nights, Sunday School, Youth, and all that stuff for your family, and especially making sure your wife has the opportunity for study and worship.
If you’re keeping your wife away from church and other forms of fellowship centered around Scripture, you’re actually hurting her chances to be all Christ wants her to be.
You need to not only allow her to do those things, but encourage her to do them as well.
Guys, you really need to hear this: your family, and especially your wife, need to see you step up and do whatever it takes to ensure the spiritual health of your family.
Will they see you do it, or will they see you cave in to your convenience and your fear about what others might think if you get serious about Jesus?
I hope you’ll take the reins in directing your family’s spiritual health.
Here’s the fourth way to show your love to your wife:
- Cut the apron strings.
Paul here quotes Genesis –
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
I mentioned two weeks ago that this is the third time this is mentioned, and the second time in the New Testament. Obviously this important.
And to me, one of the most important parts of this is the “leaving” part.
When you get married, your focus now becomes your wife.
Your parents have to take a back seat to that new primary relationship. Honor them and love them, but let them know that wife comes before mom and dad.
You can’t keep comparing your wife’s cooking to your mom’s, and keep going to them to talk and get advice instead of going to your wife.
If you don’t leave mom and dad so you can cleave to your wife, then the in-laws quickly become outlaws, and you get nothing but trouble.
Wives, this goes for you as well. But it’s especially important, in my mind, for the husband to make sure it happens on his end so he can be a model for his wife and children.
Cut the apron strings, guys.
I’d like to add another way we can show our love for our wives that’s not specifically mentioned in the passage today but still is something that I think can be implied from it, and that is…
- Modeling submission to Christ.
Your wife needs to see you making Christ the priority in your own life, making time for His Word and prayer, instructing your kids as opportunities arise, and obeying the Scriptures.
Seeing you live for Christ makes it easier for her to submit to you because she’ll know that your love for her will be reflective of your love for Christ and His love for the Church.
There’s no fear of you being a domineering jerk, but rather a servant-leader, just like Christ was on earth.
And that’s obviously a good thing, right?
You: Some suggestions:
1. Start by talking to your spouse about where they think you do well and where you could improve.
Obviously this takes courage on the part of both of you. For one, it’s the courage to be graciously honest forthright about the good and the not-so-good.
For the other, it’s the courage to listen and not get defensive. That’s personally a struggle for me.
2. Focus on your part, not on your spouse’s part.
Don’t spend your time thinking, “Well, I’m only going to work on this area if he’s going to get going on this area.”
It’s not an issue of “If you’ll do this, I’ll do that.”
The key to a great marriage and improving your marriage is always in your hands, not the other’s.
It’s true that you can’t change the other person. But as you change yourself, you’ll be surprised at how the other person has changed as well.
3. Get some resources to help you improve in that area.
There are literally thousands of resources out there to help you work toward a great marriage.
Books, seminars, retreats, CDs and DVDs, counseling, or whatever.
There is stuff all over the internet, free and otherwise.
Three books in particular I would suggest:
Communication – Key to Your Marriage, by H. Norman Wright.
Personality Plus, by Florence Littauer
His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Another book suggested to me by the same author, but that I haven’t yet read is Love Busters, by the same author.
Don’t ever think you’ve got it all figured out, no matter how long you’ve been married. All of us can work to improve our marriages.
And if you’ve already got a great marriage, then you can work to make it an excellent one.
4. Take baby steps.
One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I can look at something, then look at everything I can do or need to do to fix it or make it better, and I can get overwhelmed and be tempted to not even start.
But the fact is that bad marriages don’t happen overnight, and neither to great ones.
I’ve learned that I need to take those baby steps to get the ball rolling, and then learn to build on those things to keep improving.
You start small, with something you can handle and be able to see some improvement in fairly quickly, then you move on to other things, building on that foundation of success.
Don’t try to take too big of a chunk. Break it down so you can see the end of it and work toward making that small improvement.
And while you’re taking those baby steps, the other person needs to exercise some patience.
Sometimes it takes a while for spouse to fully understand what’s involved and then get motivated to do something toward improving your marriage.
And sometimes the progress can be a bit slower than you’d like – but you need patience.
I came across this prayer while I was working on this message.
“Lord, I pray for wisdom - to understand my man; love - to forgive him; and patience - for his timing. Because, Lord if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. Amen.” (SermonCentral.com – contributed by Russell Brownworth, modified by me)
Please be patient.
We: It’s a fact that marriage is the foundation for all of society.
The very first social institution every created was marriage between a man and a woman.
It’s been God’s desire from the beginning that marriages be strong and healthy.
And strong marriages make for a strong society.
When the divorce rate among church-going Christians isn’t much different than the rest of the world, it’s a sad state of affairs, isn’t it?
But the Church is supposed to be different from the world.
And one of the best ways we can show that is to have strong marriages based on God’s design and God’s Word.
Don’t look at other marriages to see if yours is better than anyone else’s. Focus on what you can do to make yours the best it can be.
Let’s pray.
