When Good Parenting Goes Bad
Judges 13-14
Rev. Brian Bill
5/30/10
How many of you are Chicago Blackhawks fans? How many of you are fans now that they’re playing in the finals for the Stanley Cup? I confess that I’m in the latter group as I’ve been caught up in the excitement…there are certainly no other Chicago teams worth rooting for, especially in football!
I admire the hard work and gritty determination that hockey players demonstrate. A perfect example of this was what happened during the second period of the Hawks’ 4-2 victory in the Western Conference finals when veteran defenseman Duncan Keith lost seven teeth when he was hit in the mouth with a puck. I broke one tooth when I was participating in a pie eating contest and someone shoved my head down onto the table – it killed! I can’t imagine the pain of losing seven of them!
Here’s how he described what happened: “I took one breath and it felt like my whole mouth was missing so I knew there were some teeth gone…I saw a couple fall out and I had one in the back of my throat. I could feel it and coughed it out. A bunch of them disintegrated it felt like. That sort of thing happens. I’m not the only guy who’s ever lost a bunch of teeth or been hit in the mouth with a puck or stick and I’m sure I won’t be the last guy” (chicagobreakingsports.com).
Some of you feel like you’ve been smacked in the mouth or checked into the boards because of some choices your children are making. Your pain is persistent and you have hurting hearts today as you wonder where your child’s wandering heart is. While you know that you’ve not been a perfect parent (who is?), you don’t understand why your child is doing what he or she is doing.
I hope you know by now that I’m certainly not a perfect parent. I feel like Charlie Shedd, who used to do a parenting seminar when he was single. It was called, “How to Raise Your Children.” After he got married, he changed the title to “Some Suggestions for Parents.” Then, after he had his first child, he changed it again: “Feeble Hints to Fellow Strugglers.” After he had three kids, he stopped giving the seminar altogether. That reminds me of the lady who jumped on a bus with five kids. The bus driver asked, “Are these all your kids or is it a picnic?” To which she responded, “They’re all mine and it’s no picnic.”
An Example of Good Parents
A U.S. News and World Report article two years ago called, “Good Parents, Bad Results” makes this statement: “The challenges of rearing competent and loving human beings are enough to make a parent seek help from Supernanny. Actually, there is something better: science” (6/12/08). While we can learn from Supernanny and from science, our best bet is to go to the Scriptures where we’ll see that godly parents don’t always produce godly children.
I’d like us to spend some time this morning looking at some parents who tried their best, only to see their son head down a bad path. Please turn in your Bibles to Judges 13 where we’re introduced to a husband and a wife who were sterile and couldn’t have any children. The Angel of the Lord appears to the wife and tells her that she will conceive and have a son. She’s then given some prenatal instructions, including the importance of avoiding alcohol and bad food. From the very beginning, even while he was in his mother’s womb, he was to be “set apart” for the Lord’s work. Verse 5 tells us that he was to be a Nazirite, which meant he was to avoid any contact with grapes or the drinking of wine, he was to never touch a dead body of any kind, and he was to let his hair grow and not get it cut.
The wife then went to her husband to announce the good news and he immediately prays for some parenting help in verse 8: “O Lord, I beg you, let the man of God you sent to us come again to teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born.” I see some neat things in this prayer.
* Respect for God. Listen to how he begins his prayer: “O Lord…” This is an emphatic form that focuses on God as ruler. He recognizes that God is in charge and that he as a man is subject to his Master. This is pretty amazing because 13:1 tells us that the spiritual climate among the Israelites was not good and that they had been subject to the Philistines for 40 years. Friends, no matter how far south our society slides, hold on to the Lord and walk with Him no matter what.
* Earnest neediness. Notice how his prayer reveals the passion behind his plea and his need for help: “I beg you…”
* Need for teaching. He knows that without some teaching they won’t have a clue about how to bring up their boy. Parents, God loves to hear us ask for help in the task of raising young disciples. The word for “teach” refers to shooting out words, like shooting out arrows from a bow. It also has the idea of “pointing out” as with a finger. We’re committed to provide teaching and training as we continue in our Faith at Home focus as we strive to connect people to Jesus one home at a time and equip our homes to become discipleship centers. You’ll be hearing more about this in the days to come. Also, if you missed any of the sermons in this series, jump online at: www.pontiacbible.org. The “Parenting Panel” from last week was especially helpful as it relates to the discipline of our children.
* Godly goal. They need help knowing “…how to bring up the boy who is to be born.” Verse 12 reveals a related request from the father: “What is to be the rule for the boy’s life and work?” They sincerely want to know how best to raise their boy.
* Parenting as partners. This dad-to-be is requesting prayer on behalf of both his wife and himself because they are partners in raising their son. We see that in the phrase: “…teach us how…”
The husband’s request reveals something about the home Samson grew up in.
Samson’s Downward Cycle
Samson’s feats are legendary but it’s his flaws that prove to be fatal. His two greatest weaknesses were romance and revenge. He was extremely gifted, but certainly not godly. He was strong on the outside, but had no control on the inside. He’s a sad example that godly parents don’t always produce godly children.
Chapter 14 shows some stupid steps that Samson took.
1. He Went to The Wrong Place. Look at verse 1: “Samson went down to Timnah.” This refers to geography because this town was in Philistine territory, about four miles down a ridge from Samson’s village. But it also tells us about the decline in Samson’s spiritual life. Samson left God’s people and headed south spiritually. His parents feel like they’ve been checked into the boards.
2. He Was Looking For The Wrong Thing. Notice the rest of verse 1: “Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman.” When he returned home, he told his parents in verse 2, “I have seen a Philistine woman.” This is like a smack in the mouth to the parents because this is not how they raised him.
3. He Rejected Godly Counsel. In verse 3, his mom and dad urge him to marry a believer, not someone who is a pagan. Samson persists in his disrespect for his parents and his disregard for God: “But Samson said to his father, ‘Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.’” By blowing off his parents, Samson is also rejecting what God said in Exodus 34:16 and Deuteronomy 7 about not marrying someone from the surrounding pagan nations. His parents feel like they’ve been tripped and left sprawled on the ice.
4. He Compromised His Commitment. Samson then goes into a vineyard (which was forbidden by his vows) and encounters a young lion and he tears it apart with his bare hands. Verse 6 notes that “he told neither his father or his mother what he had done.” He doesn’t tell them because killing the lion meant touching its corpse after it was dead. That is a violation of the spirit of the Nazirite vow. According to verse 10 Samson made a feast “as was customary for bridegrooms.” This was like a wild bachelor bash. He breaks another vow and in the process breaks his parent’s hearts and they feel like they’ve been put in the penalty box.
Why Kids Head South
Let me ask you a question. I’ll put your answers up on the white board. What kinds of things do parents feel when their children make bad choices? Here are 10 words that came to me: Crushed, failure, embarrassed, humiliated, depressed, sad, isolated, angry, frustrated, and shame.
Dads and moms, while it is imperative that we do what we can to connect our kids to Christ and equip them to be growing and faithful followers; we are not ultimately responsible for how they turn out because godly parents do not always produce godly children. I wish I could give you a guarantee but I can’t. Samson’s parents prayed for him, taught him the Torah, impressed the truth on him and lived a godly life before him. And yet, Samson went his own way and it still happens today. I thought it would be helpful to list some reasons why this happens. What is that parents are up against today?
1. Our children are sinners. While babies are cute when they’re born, they also come with a sin nature according to Psalm 51:5: “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.”
2. Parents are sinners. Romans 3:23 says that everyone messes up: “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” I pray that my mistakes and sins will not be passed along to the next generation, but I’m afraid that some of them will be.
3. Disobedience among children will grow as we get closer to the end. One of the signs that the return of Christ is near according to 2 Timothy 3:2 is that kids will increasingly become “disobedient to their parents…” We’ve not seen anything yet.
4. Satan is attacking families. Satan is working overtime to wreak families today. He began in the Garden with Adam and Eve and then spread discord between Cain and Abel. John 8:44: “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” 1 Peter 5:8: “Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”
5. Our world system is anti-family. Satan is at work in our world to cause chaos and blindness according to 2 Corinthians 4:4: “The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.”
6. Children have free will to choose. Some of you are beating yourself up for choices your children are making but remember that they are choosing to do the things that they’re doing. Joshua 24:15 reminds us that it’s a choice to serve the Lord or not. Listen. Even if you were a completely perfect parent and you provided a totally perfect environment for your children to grow and develop, they might still choose to go a different direction than you desire. Do you want some evidence for this? Think with me about the first two children, Adam and Eve. God was a perfect parent and placed them in a perfect environment and gave them perfect guidance and they still went south spiritually.
The Pressure’s Off
In his book called, “The Pressure’s Off,” Larry Crabb argues that God is not a vending machine dispensing blessings as rewards for our good behavior. We need to reject a faith that is filled with a formula that says, “If I do ‘A,’ then God will do ‘B’ for me.” Crabb proposes that we can’t always make life work like we want but we can always draw near to God.
Related to this, let’s take a fresh look at a popular parenting proverb – Proverbs 22:6: “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Properly understood, proverbs are not promises but general principles. This verse means that we can train our children and they will never outlive the influences of that training. However, it doesn’t mean they won’t go against it.
Chuck Swindoll has some great insight on this passage. I want to take the time to share some of it because Proverbs 22:6 is probably the best-known passage on the issue of childrearing and, ironically, the most misunderstood. One classic interpretation goes this way: “…Teenage rebellion, where they will sow a lot of wild oats, will detour their spiritual journey. When their fling is over, they’ll come back to God. You can count on it because this verse has God’s promise on it.”
This interpretation has two major strikes against it. First, it fails to appreciate the very colorful, intricate word-pictures used by the Hebrew poet. Second, it doesn’t hold true experientially. Some young people have rebelled and returned, but many others never returned.
A better interpretation of this verse begins with an appreciation for the complexity of the Hebrew language. The Hebrew word “train” means “to dedicate” or “to consecrate.” It stems from a term related to the roof or lower part of the mouth and pictures the custom of a midwife dipping her finger into a pool of crushed dates in order to massage the palate and gums of a newborn. This encouraged the baby’s sucking instinct so that nursing could begin as soon as possible. She utilized the baby’s natural instinct to guide him toward what is best.
Swindoll continues by saying, “In the way he should go” means “in accordance with his way.” It can refer to a literal way, such as a road, or it can be less literal and refer to the manner in which something acts. We are to train a child according to his or her characteristic bent. Some will be artistic, others athletic, and still others academic. One may be strong-willed, and another compliant. One child can be encouraged by rewards or recognition, while another couldn’t care less. Pastor Dick adds, “While we train all children to God’s standard, we do it in light of that child’s personality and temperament.”
We receive each child from the hand of God, not as a malleable lump of clay to be molded in whatever way we see fit, but as a unique, distinctive person with a destiny. We are to honor God’s creation of this one-of-a-kind individual by adapting our training to his or her characteristic manner. Study your children by developing an intimate relationship with each one. Help each child discover his or her road—the path he or she was created to follow. Then ask God to help you make the most of your child’s natural tendencies so that he or she can live in harmony with God’s design. (Adapted from “Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving Workbook” by Charles Swindoll, 2006)
What To Do Now?
Fellow parents, it’s not healthy to dwell on mistakes or to continually wonder, “Why did this happen to us?” It’s better to ask, “Where do we go from here? What can be done now?” Let me remind you of the parent in the parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. This dad serves as a model for us (ideas from Bishop James Mooney).
1. Love them faithfully. Verse 20 tells us that even when the son “…was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him…” The dad was watching and waiting and as the motel commercial says, “He left the light on for him.”
2. Accept them unconditionally. The second part of verse 20 says that “…he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.” What a moving picture of acceptance! I love that the father runs to his son and embraces him. This leads to a couple questions, doesn’t it? How can we accept our son or daughter without lowering our standards? How can I accept my child when I don’t approve of what he or she is doing? Stay with me on this. There’s a big difference between acceptance and approval. Acceptance says, “I love you, child, because you’re my child. God made you and I love you but I do not approve of what you’re doing.” You can accept a child without approving of their lifestyle. In verse 21, the son confesses his sin. Let me add that confession is easier when you know that you’ve already been accepted.
3. Forgive them completely. I like verses 22-23: “Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate.” This dad doesn’t rub it in, he rubs it out. The son didn’t need a sermon; he needed a second chance. He was given three things:
* Bring the best robe. In Jewish culture that was a sign of sonship. It showed that he was back in the family.
* Put a ring on his finger. The ring was a signet. It’s what you signed your name with to pay any bills. In our culture it would be like a credit card. Wow, that’s a sign of trust!
* Sandals on his feet. He was given responsibility again as he would have to work.
This story has a happy ending but for many of you the jury is still out. You’re still watching and waiting. Let me suggest some other things to do.
4. Keep praying. Don’t lose hope. Even though your children aren’t serving the Lord right now, that doesn’t mean they can’t change later. Samson came back to the Lord right before he died. He was beaten and blinded, humiliated by his own repeated stupidity, reached the bottom, turned around and discovered that God was waiting for him all the time.
5. Ask for forgiveness if you need to.
6. Find a safe group or trusted friend. Most hurting parents feel embarrassed and isolated, filled with shame and paralyzed by guilt.
7. Call a peace conference.
8. Fight for your family, not against them. Don’t reject or retaliate.
9. Give up expectations of perfectionism.
10. Let go of the guilt. Don’t blame yourself for what your children choose to do. Let’s just admit that we’re not perfect parents. Sure, there are some things we would have, or should have, done differently. Jesus died for your sins and to take away your guilt and shame. Romans 8:1: “There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Let me come back to the “Blackhawk Down” story I shared at the beginning of the sermon. While Duncan Keith went into the locker room in the second period after his dental damage, he returned in the same period and assisted with the game-tying goal and finished with a game-high 29 minutes of ice time!
I like what his teammate Patrick Sharp had to say: “I told him it's kind of a blessing in disguise because now he’s going to get some nice fake teeth…He’s going to have a great smile in a couple weeks. That’s playoff hockey (written) all over it. A guy takes one in the face, picking out his teeth in the locker room (and) comes back. He’s walking around, skating around the ice, talking to us before the power play, mumbling what we were supposed to do. I don’t think anybody understood what he was talking about.”
Friends, this is the locker room and it’s now time to get back in the game!
Let’s close with some prayer for hurting parents. Are there older parents willing to pray for younger parents? Any younger parents want to pray for older parents?
