Working Toward a Great Marriage
Part 1 – Six Principles We Can All Apply
Various Scriptures
May 16, 2010
Me: In our year-long emphasis called, “The Year of the Family,” we’re focusing on how we can become a stronger family within the family of God, and also looking at ways to become stronger in our earthly families.
Last week we started looking at families and specifically how mothers can pray. On Father’s Day we’ll look at some things Fathers can do to help their families along.
Today we start a two-part series on marriage. We won’t finish next week, because I want us to focus on something else next week, but we’ll take this up again in two weeks.
I want to encourage all of you un-marrieds to hang in there with us, though, okay? A lot of this is stuff you can apply in some ways to other relationships you might be in, and if you’re thinking about getting married, you might want to hang onto your notes for the future.
I’ve been married 22 years. For some of you, that’s a long time, for others we’re still considered newlyweds.
But one thing I’ve learned about in those 22 years is that I don’t know everything, and that I’ve got a long way to go to be the perfect husband.
But another thing I’ve learned is that God has some things in His Word that, if we’ll apply them, can help all of our marriages get even better than they are already.
We: I think all of us would agree that marriage is under attack in our country and culture nowadays, and I’m not just talking about the efforts to legitimize same-sex marriage, or anything like that.
I’m talking about the idea that Satan is purposely trying to undermine marriages.
He does it in a number of ways, but I think one of the main ways is that he deceives people into thinking that marriage is something that’s supposed to be a situation where two people are in emotional states of bliss the entire time and when reality sets in and the bliss goes away, maybe forever, then that marriage can just be dumped as easily as the weekly garbage.
And they learn a hard lesson that love is grand – but divorce is 20 grand. (SermonCentral.com, contributed by Brian Mavis)
Yesterday’s paper – at least 2 people married in 2008 are divorced. And one couple married in 1987.
I can’t imagine that any of us here today don’t know someone who has been through the pain of divorce for one reason or another.
And that’s the main reason I insist on pre-marital counseling if I’m going to do a wedding.
I don’t want to see their names in the paper in a couple years because the enchantment of marriage has worn off after the honeymoon.
And while there’s no denying that every marriage goes through its rough patches, there’s also no denying that every marriage can be a great one.
God/You:
There is no way we would be able to even begin to cover all that could be said about having a great marriage, so I’ll be sharing a few things that I think are some of the most basic and most important things that all of us who are married can put into place, and that those who are not yet married can keep in mind as they prepare for marriage themselves.
I am unashamedly borrowing from sources like Dennis and Barb Rainey, H. Norman Wright, and others over the course of these two messages.
They have wisdom beyond my years and experience, and I’m not too proud to give you something they’ve said to help all of us have a stronger marriage.
These things I’m sharing with you today are things that I’ve been working to implement in my own marriage.
Some I’m more successful at than others, and some of them I really struggle with. And there’s no way I’m going to tell you what all of those are, okay?
I feel bad enough seeing my own shortcomings in these, and don’t want to invite even more scrutiny!
But I know the value of these things, and as I’ve mentioned before during this year, I’m preaching to myself as much as to anybody here.
So here are 6 principles that any couple can apply to their marriage.
Some of these will have some Scripture attached to them, others don’t but are supported by Scriptural principle.
> Make the marriage relationship the primary one.
Matthew 19:4-6 –
4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' 5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
This is Jesus reaffirming that God’s original design for marriage is still the right one.
The issue here in the passage is divorce, of course, but I think that we can all think of things that can come between a husband and a wife, but the two that come to mind for me are the parents of the couple, and the children of the couple.
It’s a big joke on TV and movies about one or more parents interfering in the lives of a married couple because one of them couldn’t cut the apron strings.
Husband, you need to communicate to your parents that while you love them and wish to honor them, your wife comes before them, because that’s the way God designed it.
Wife, you need to communicate the same thing to your parents.
You and your husband are a self-contained unit, and you are to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse.
Ask them for advice if you need to once in a while, but they can’t make decisions for you, and they can’t keep bailing you out all the time, financially or otherwise.
Likewise, the parent-child relationship is not the most important one.
We’ve been told by society that children are the center of the universe, and that all attention in the family needs to be directed to them.
Well, I hate to tell you, but that’s just not true.
Children are a welcome addition to a family, but they don’t make a family, and they certainly shouldn’t be the center of a family.
The husband/wife relationship is the central relationship.
I thank God for the teaching we got before we had children, because I think that not only is our marriage healthier because of it, but I think our children are better for it.
They know we love them, but they also know that if Debra and I had to choose between us and them, they’d be kicked to the curb in a heartbeat.
The Bible doesn’t say Jesus died for His children – it says He died for His BRIDE.
Children are most secure when they see mom and dad in love and loving each other.
I’ll mention this again probably in the next few weeks, but the greatest gift you can give your children is to have a great relationship between yourselves.
And one of the keys to having a solid parent/child relationship is to have a solid relationship between hubby and wifey.
Here’s a second principle for working toward a great marriage:
> Let communication be free and honest.
James 1:19 –
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Husbands and wives, this alone would save a lot of strife in most marriages.
We get so defensive when our spouse needs to confront us about something.
And they need the freedom to talk to us, because the fact of the matter is that we are often blind to our own faults.
Your spouse should be able to talk to you without worrying about how you’ll react.
This isn’t to say that this is a license to nag, harass, badger, or whatever.
There are ways to talk to your spouse about stuff that are more effective than others.
Fighting isn’t very helpful, either.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister in hysterics. “Pastor,” she cried, “John and I had our first fight. It was awful! What am I going to do?”
“Calm down, Joanna,” her pastor answered, leaning back in his chair. “This isn’t nearly as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight. It’s natural.”
“I know, I know,” Joanna said impatiently. “But what am I going to do with the body?” (Van Morris, Mount Washington, Kentucky; 1001 Illustrations that Connect; Larson, ten Elshof, eds. Zondervan)
Think about what has worked in the past and what hasn’t, and be intentional about working on your communication.
You may need to do some more learning about how to communicate, but it’s worth the effort.
And that leads to the third principle I want to share today, and that is to…
> Be intentional about improving your marriage.
Every marriage can be improved. No marriage is so perfect that it can’t be improved on.
Read about marriage. Go to marriage retreats. (Family Life Weekend to Remember, Nov. 12-14, Sioux Falls)
If you’re a younger couple, latch onto another couple that’s been around the block a few times and learn from them.
Then apply what you’re learning. Talk about it with your spouse and get their input on what you’re learning so you can make sure you’re on the same page with everything.
Some of you may need counseling with someone who can speak honestly and firmly to you from a third party perspective.
To be honest, that particular area is a weakness of mine, so if you feel you need that kind of help, come see me and I’ll do all I can to help, or refer you to someone I’m confident will be good for you.
Folks, there are literally thousands of resources available to you to improve your marriage – even to the point where it’s almost a brand-new marriage compared to where it’s at today.
> Praise your spouse publicly, correct your spouse privately.
Proverbs 31:28-29 (NLT) –
Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!”
The husband in this scenario is loud about praising his wife in public.
Husbands, when was the last time you told someone outside of your family how special your wife is?
When was the last time you sang her praises to your friends?
And when was the last time you did that in front of her?
Guys, the world should know that there is no one in the world as special as your wife, and that you will always put her ahead of everyone and everything else.
You’ll probably need to work on both parts of that – the telling and the doing. But it needs to be done.
Wives – how about you? When was the last time you praised your husband to someone else, and praised him in front of others?
Do your friends and family know that your husband is the primary person in your life and that the only person you love more is Jesus?
I know that sometimes it’s not always easy to praise your spouse. Debra’s had to dig pretty deep sometimes when talking about me around others.
But as I mentioned last week, anyone can find something praiseworthy in anyone if you’re willing to look hard enough.
And this is especially true and important about your spouse.
On the other hand, if you have to correct your spouse, it’s best if you can do that away from other people.
No one likes to be corrected in front of other people, and if it’s at all possible, wait until you can be alone.
Here’s the fifth principle to keep in mind in working toward a great marriage, and that is to…
> Declare your love for your spouse to them and to others.
Survey for all the married couples here: before you got married, did you actually use the words, “I love you” to your spouse?
Did you communicate your love verbally to them? Of course you did.
But in many cases, that ends after the honeymoon. And that’s not right.
Please don’t tell me, “Well, I don’t need to say it – she knows I love her. I provide for her, give her what she needs, and all that stuff.”
She needs to hear it.
And ladies, the same goes for you. Tell him you love him. Don’t say, “Well he knows I love him. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I sleep with him. He knows.”
He needs to hear you say the words, just like you need to hear it from him.
But you know who else needs to hear it? Other people. Other folks need to hear that you love your spouse, and they need to hear it often. And they need to hear it in front of your spouse.
Here’s the last principle I’ll share with you today:
> Remember that your marriage is supposed to represent the relationship between Christ and the Church.
Ephesians 5:22-33 gives a number of ways this happens. Let me read this passage very quickly. We’re not going to take this passage apart, but I do want to read the whole thing and I want you to try and notice how often Paul equates human marriage with the love Jesus shows the church.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Do you see the importance Paul places on marriage?
Because Jesus sees the Church as His bride, it’s very important that our marriages reflect that same love and devotion.
Solid Christian marriages based on love for Christ as the master of both spouses goes a long way to influencing others for Christ because it illustrates Jesus’ love for the Church.
And that kind of marriage is the best way to influence your children for Christ because they see you living out Jesus’ love right in front of them.
We: You’ve heard that the divorce rate is right around 50%. That’s disputable, as the measurements used aren’t all that consistent.
And as I mentioned earlier, probably everyone here knows someone who’s been through a divorce.
But I think that if we’ll become intentional about improving our own marriages where we can, then we can show the world around us that great marriages are possible when we follow God’s Word.
God invented marriage, after all, and I think He knows what’s best for it. Don’t you?
Then let’s show others we really believe that by living it out in our own marriages.
Let’s pray.
