Discipline That Disciples
1 Samuel 2:12-36
Rev. Brian Bill
5/23/10
A week ago our oldest daughter Emily graduated from college and two days ago Lydia graduated from high school. This has been an exciting and emotional time for us. Well, at least for me because I think I’ve cried more than the rest of the family combined.
During Emily’s graduation which was held at historic Moody Memorial Church in Chicago, all the professors marched in wearing their respective robes with an air of decorum. Pomp and Circumstance was played while the graduates walked to the front. A trumpet player filled the sanctuary with joyful sounds, someone led in prayer and then a speaker challenged the students. Author Gary Chapman was awarded an Honorary Doctorate and then the choir sang, “Be Thou My Vision.”
When it came time to announce the graduates, one of the Vice Presidents drew our attention to a statement in the middle of the program: “The graduating class, faculty and administration request that family and friends respect the dignity of the occasion and refrain from applause or celebration until all graduates have received their diplomas.” He explained how it’s not fair to the next student who is announced when people are yelling and cheering. He must have made his point three or four times. From all appearances, the message was loud and clear.
When the first few graduates were announced the massive room was quiet and then from the back of the auditorium applause and cheering broke out after a name was read. We all held our breath, wondering what was going to be said from the front. When correction never came, it was as if the rest of the crowd felt free to cheer wildly for their favorite grad. From then on, it was like a free-for-all, with people yelling, cheering, and making all sorts of sounds. As I sat up in the balcony I secretly judged all the rule-breaking cheerleaders but that was nothing like the thoughts I had about the administration for not providing additional correction. That all went away when Emily’s name was called and I jumped to my feet and started hollering…just kidding.
As we continue in our series called, “Hope for the Home: Learning from the Families in the Bible,” our topic today is “Discipline that Disciples.” Please turn in your Bibles to 1 Samuel 2 where we will see what happened when two rule-breaking sons were allowed to live wildly without any correction from their father. We’ll discover that passive parenting often leads to disastrous results. One of Dobson’s books is entitled, “Parenting Isn’t For Cowards.” Man, is that ever true! As I studied this week, and tried to summarize what I learned in one sentence, I wrote this down: Every discipline situation is a setting for discipleship.
Let me introduce you to a dad named Eli. He was a priest and a judge, well-respected by everyone. He had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, who also served as priests but were more profane than spiritual. Look at 1 Samuel 2:12: “Eli’s sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the Lord.” They knew about the Lord but they didn’t know Him personally. They had holy jobs but their hearts were far from Him. They went through the motions but God didn’t matter to them. When people brought animals for the offering, these brothers demanded the choicest cuts; if filet mignon wasn’t given to them, they would take it by force. On top of that, verse 22 tells us that they slept with the women who served at the Tent of Meeting.
Eli knew that people were talking about his sons in verse 24: “No my sons; it is not a good report that I hear spreading among the Lord’s people.” While he did try to rebuke them, they refused to listen. Unfortunately, all Eli did was talk with them when he should have removed them from their position. His sin was not having bad children but instead that he raised them inactively, parented them passively and excused them meekly. I was impressed by the story of an Amish man who caught his two teenage sons drinking beer at a local tavern. The disappointed father promptly disciplined them. This is what he said, “I’ll take the horse home boys…and you bring the buggy.”
This story ends badly when God has the two sons put to death and Eli ends up falling off a chair, breaks his neck and dies. In 1 Kings 1:6, we see that King David didn’t do discipline well with his son Adonijah either: “His father had never interfered with him by asking, ‘Why do you behave as you do?’” Actually, children do what they are allowed to get away with.
Every discipline situation is a setting for discipleship. Parents, we’re called to discipline our children because it is part of our discipleship…and theirs. And actually, believe it or not, kids want to be disciplined. In the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Tom didn’t have parents, but he had Aunt Polly. One day, Aunt Polly disciplines Tom by spanking him. As Tom wails, Huckleberry Finn is off on the side rolling around laughing. He thought it was great that he wasn’t getting into trouble. But when you turn the page Huck Finn is by himself weeping as he realizes that he doesn’t have anyone who cares enough to discipline him. When a child is not given boundaries, they feel lost.
Discipline = Discipleship
I’ve been helped in my understanding of the link between discipline and discipleship from a book by Rob Rienow called, “Visionary Parenting.” Here are some of the things he points out on pages 116-117.
“The root of the word discipline is disciple. Discipline is something God commands parents to do for the purpose of forming their children into disciples. The word ‘disciple’ means ‘devoted follower.’ Therefore, the purpose of biblical discipline is to help your children become devoted followers of Jesus Christ…Failing to discipline is failing to disciple. God’s plan for your children is to learn obedience and submission to loving parents they can see, so they are ready to learn obedience and submission to a loving God they cannot see…Every single discipline situation you face is an opportunity to lead your child toward being a more devoted follower of Jesus Christ.”
He and his wife have worked on changing their vocabulary. When they have an issue they need to address with one of their kids, they no longer say, “Honey, we have a discipline situation that needs to be dealt with.” Instead, they say, “We have a discipleship situation.” We must focus on the attitude and the action, the root and the fruit, the why and the what. He concludes, “If our discipline (discipleship) does not reach into the heart of the child, we are all but guaranteeing ourselves long-term behavioral problems.”
This thought process goes along with another book I recommend called, “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp. Here’s a synopsis of what he argues: “The Scripture teaches that the heart is the control center for life…You must help your child ask the questions that will expose that attitude of the heart that has resulted in wrong behavior. This understanding does marvelous things for discipline. It makes the heart the issue, not just the behavior…Your concern is to unmask your child’s sin, helping him to understand how it reflects a heart that has strayed. That leads to the cross of Christ.” (Pages XIX, 3-6).
The Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
Let’s repeat our summary statement so it gets into our heads and our hearts: Every discipline situation is a setting for discipleship. Someone once asked a parent of three young children how much time, as a percentage, he spends disciplining his kids. The answer was 85%. The other person responded, “Really? That little?” Here’s the deal. Discipline is a full-time endeavor and is much more difficult than punishment. One blog writer gives three reasons why this is the case.
* Discipline takes longer. If you are just punishing your kids, then just put them in a time out. But when you discipline, your goal isn’t just behavioral; it’s about the heart and heart formation takes longer than behavior modification. True discipline not only guards; it guides.
* Discipline requires teaching. We need to help our children understand not only that what they did was wrong but why what they did was wrong. According to one study I read, the average child asks 500,000 questions by the age of 15! That’s a lot of opportunities for teachable moments, isn’t it?
* The focus of discipline is deeper. Punishment is about behaving; discipline is about becoming. You are seeking not to just break bad habits, but to instill a need for the gospel now in your kids that will form not just their actions but their hearts in the years to come. What we’re really going for in our parenting is what Dr. Kevin Leman calls a new kind of ABCs: Attitude, Behavior and Character.
Parenting Proverbs
I was struck this week by how many proverbs have to do with parenting or with receiving correction from a parent. Here are ten of them.
Proverbs 3:11-12: “My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.”
Proverbs 6:23: “For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.”
Proverbs 12:1: “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.”
Proverbs 13:1: “A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.”
Proverbs 13:24: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Note: The Bible does not advocate child abuse. The rod was designed to sting and was used not to punish sheep but to guide them.
Proverbs 15:32: “He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.”
Proverbs 19:18: “Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.”
Proverbs 22:15: “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” This past week we went out to eat as a family and somehow the conversation turned to spanking and our girls recounted how they never liked being spanked but will probably use this method when they’re mothers.
Proverbs 29:15: “The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.”
Proverbs 29:17: “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.”
Every discipline situation is a setting for discipleship. In an effort to be as practical as possible, I want to share some steps suggested by Rob Rienow that help us understand how discipline that disciples might look (“Visionary Parenting,” Pages 128-131). Suppose you have just discovered that your ten-year-old son stole a video game from someone at school. You found it in his backpack, and after asking a few leading questions, he confessed that he stole it.
1. Confirm what God wants from you, the parent. “Son, what does God say that I need to do as a parent in this situation?” The response we are looking for is, “You need to discipline me.”
2. Talk about what happened. “Now, let’s talk about what happened. What did you do? Be honest with me and tell me the whole truth.” At this point you are trying to lead your son to confess clearly and completely exactly what he did.
3. Turn to the Bible for wisdom and correction. “Son, thank you for telling me the truth about what you did. What does God say in the Bible about the choice you made?” “Well, the Bible says that stealing is wrong.” “That’s right. In Exodus 20 one of the commandments is, ‘Do not steal.’”
4. Focus on the loving heart of God. “Why do you think God commands us to not steal?” What you are looking for here is that stealing damages relationships, hurts innocent people and is a sign that we don’t trust God to provide for our needs, etc. “Son, God loves you very much. He knows that if you steal, then both you and others will be hurt.”
5. Open the heart. “Thanks for telling me what you did. Now can you tell me why you did it? What feelings were inside of you?” The goal here is to create a safe environment where your son can express his feelings of jealousy, hatred, boredom…whatever they may be. If you cannot help him discern the motives that led him to steal the game, then you cannot influence his heart.
6. Calmly deliver the consequences. “Because you made the choice to steal this game, here is your consequence. You need to return it and you need to save your money and buy a new game for this person as an act of restitution. And you need to personally go to this person’s home and ask forgiveness from him and his parents.” Note: Whatever consequence you deliver needs to be given calmly, with a gentle voice. The consequence should be the thing that hurts, not your anger. Another author adds, “…Discipline is not you working on your agenda, venting your wrath toward your children; it is you coming as God’s representative, bringing the reproofs of life to your son or daughter. You only muddy the waters when the bottom line in discipline is your displeasure over their behavior, rather than God’s displeasure with rebellion against his ordained authority…if correction orbits around God as the one offended, then the focus is restoration.”
7. Affirm your love. “I’m sorry that you made this choice. Please remember that God commands me to do everything I can to help you become more like Jesus. I love you very much and nothing you do will ever change that.”
He concludes this section by pointing out that some parents may push back on this process because this approach takes so much time. Here’s his answer to that: “That’s the point. Discipline can be quick, but discipleship takes time.”
Some time ago Beth listened to a message on parenting and the speaker talked about the time he disciplined his child in a rather unusual way. Instead of spanking his son for what he had done wrong, he told his son that he wanted to take his punishment. The son brightened up until his father said, “I want you to spank me.” Beth tried this with one of our own daughters and it about killed this daughter because she didn’t want to spank her mommy. But it became a teachable moment which is still talked about in our family. No matter how much we have disobeyed, as children or as parents, Jesus has taken our punishment for us.
We thought it would be helpful this morning to put together a parenting panel so that we can hear from some real-life parents who are striving to discipline and disciple their own children. Let me introduce them to you.
