Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry
Genesis 4-50
Rev. Brian Bill
5/2/10
Most of you know that I have four sisters and no brothers. Do you feel my pain? The only good thing about this arrangement is that I’m the oldest. Being a brother, I was always on the lookout for ways to torment my sisters. It didn’t take me long to figure out that if I teased my sister Cathy she would scream and then she would get in trouble for screaming, at which point I would just casually leave the room with a big grin on my face.
My wife Beth received a birthday card a couple years ago from Cathy with this caption, “For a Great Sister-in-Law. Now that you’ve been in the family a while, you’ve discovered our funny little secret…In fact, you’re married to him!” Real funny. I have no idea why she would say something so mean, though it could go back to the sympathy card I sent to her husband Chip right after they got engaged. I still remember that card. The front of it said, “So sorry to hear about your loss…” I can’t believe that Cathy would wait more than 15 years to get back at me!
I may have mentioned before that one of my goals growing up was to get all four of my sisters to cry at the same time. This was actually quite challenging but I’ll never forget what happened one evening when I finally accomplished my goal.
We were driving in our station wagon on a Friday night heading to our Grandparents’ house in the Promised Land. I decided that this was a good time to launch my attack. I pinched Cathy, pulled Jean’s hair, insulted Mary, and threatened Beth. As I sat there with a big grin on my face while they cried in surround sound, my dad, who is normally a soft-spoken man, said, “All right. That’s it.” He then pulled over to the side of the road, slammed on the brakes and said, “Get out. We’ll pick you up on Sunday.”
I couldn’t believe it. I had finally accomplished my elusive goal and here I was standing on the gravel shoulder on a deserted country road in Wisconsin. As I shut the car door, my dad pulled away and drove off…
As we continue in our series called, “Hope For Your Home: Learning From the Families of the Bible,” we’re going to tackle a topic of great interest to parents: Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry. Incidentally, if you could have interviewed my parents when we were all growing up, I think they wanted to keep my sisters and lose me!
Two weeks ago we learned that part of our parenting role is to shape, sharpen and then release our children like arrows aimed at the target of God’s glory. We must guide our children and then let them go. We also established this truth regarding families: If God doesn’t bless, they will be a mess.
Last week God messed with each of us as we admitted that we all have a problem with blaming: Don’t play the blame game; own it by name and avoid the shame. In an effort to keep that sermon alive, let’s spend a few minutes debriefing about one of the take-home assignments. We passed out “No Excuses” signs and encouraged you to put them in a visible place. We also agreed to say the sound a buzzer makes when we hear a child (or a parent) placing blame or making an excuse: mommp!
I’d like to hear how your week went in this regard. Did you notice less blaming or more excuses because you were listening for them? On Sunday afternoon I purposely bumped into Beth while she was holding a cookie which ended up being smashed. She said, “Look what you did!” I was quick to buzz her and told her that she was blaming. To which she responded, “I’m blaming you because you are to blame!” When I came in to my office this week I noticed “No Excuse” signs next to my Packer rug and my Cheesehead hat. That’s just not right. Carol Schwartz also put up a sign above the clock in the back of the room as a way for me to not make excuses if the sermon goes into overtime. Mommp! Just for that I think I’ll go long today and then you’ll just have Carol to blame!
I heard a funny story this week from a mom. She told me that her son wanted to know how long the series was going to last because he’s tired of trying to not make excuses around the house. He was playing the Blame Game and got a Mommp! He said he can’t wait for the series to end.
Siblings in Scripture
One of our aims is to help us understand that families in the Bible didn’t have it all together, and neither do we. What we see in Scripture is more dysfunctional than functional, especially when it comes to sibling rivalry. Related to this, please don’t feel that you don’t fit here because your family is not functioning perfectly. Whatever your situation, as your church family, we are in this together, to help us better connect with Christ and be equipped to be growing and faithful followers in our families.
Pastor Jeff attended a family ministry conference this week where one of the speakers told the story of a recently divorced man who was sitting in a church and realized that he would never have the “right” family. He left and hasn’t been back for 15 years. Friends, whatever your family situation is, it’s our prayer that we’re becoming the right church family for you.
As I think through the sibling relationships in the Bible, I’m reminded that many of them were filled with rivalry, jealousy, hatred and even murder. Leah and Rachel were not only sisters, they became rivals. Most of us are familiar with the Prodigal Son but we could actually call this parable the “story of two siblings who ended up far away.” One left home physically while the other stewed and complained when their dad showed grace to the bumbling brother. Mary and Martha are two sisters who had their own conflict but came together when their brother Lazarus died. And then we have Cinderella and her stepsisters – oh, that’s not in the Bible.
I told our daughter Lydia what the topic was for today and she quickly said, “We don’t have any of that in our family. We just fight.” For our purposes today, I want us to look at some sibling stories in the Book of Genesis. I heard one preacher this week refer to Genesis as a book all about sibling rivalry. I’m indebted to a podcast by Rob Rienow from Wheaton Bible Church and will be using part of his outline here today (see www.visionaryparenting.com for more information). I’m going to briefly retell five different sibling stories and then bring out a contrast statement to help us see what Satan wants for siblings and what it is that God desires.
By the way, much of the problems with sibling rivalry revolve around the first-born. That would be me in my family. One three-year-old was given some paper and crayons and was asked by his parents to draw a picture. He responded coldly, glancing at his baby brother, “Not until you get rid of that kid!” While I’ve not been able to listen to it yet, I came across a provocative sermon title from S.M. Davis called, “Why Satan Wants Your Firstborn.”
In his classic book, “The Strong-Willed Child,” James Dobson argues that the most irritating feature of child rearing is sibling rivalry: “Little children (and older ones too) are not content to just hate each other in private. They attack one another like miniature warriors, mobilizing their troops and probing for a weakness in the defensive line. They argue, hit, kick, scream, grab toys, taunt, tattle and sabotage the opposing force” (p. 171).
1. Cain and Abel (Genesis 4). Let’s go back to part of the sermon from last week. The first sin took place in the context of marriage and the first recorded act of murder was between siblings. God asks Cain, “Where is your brother Abel?” Cain goes from giving an unworthy offering to becoming angry to committing murder, to hiding his brother’s body and in verse 9 he lied and denied: “I don’t know.” And then he asks that famous question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Actually, yes you are. Or, at least you were supposed to be.
What Satan wants: Spiritual competition.
What God wants: Spiritual connection.
Rienow points out that statistically speaking, most of us will know our siblings much longer than our friends so it only makes sense to develop a spiritual relationship with them. The likelihood of having a life-long friend is close to zero but siblings last a long time. Beth and our daughters are not here this morning because they’re in Iowa to celebrate our niece Mikayla’s completion of cancer treatments. Mikayla has three older brothers and I have never seen brothers treat a younger sister like they do. They have cared for her, played games with her, cried with her and they even all shaved their heads when she lost her hair to show their support. If you have a sibling, you are his or her keeper!
2. Shem, Ham and Japheth (Genesis 5-9). We could say much about these siblings but let’s just focus on one aspect – they worked together with their dad Noah constructing the ark. Do you know how long they worked together? Neither do I. Some believe that it took 3 to 4 years to complete; while other commentators think it took up to 100 years. Can you imagine siblings working together for just a few seconds, to say nothing of working side-by-side for decades? By the way, some news reports this week said that they’ve discovered the Ark…again.
What Satan wants: Siblings to work separately doing their own thing.
What God wants: Siblings to work together for God’s purposes.
We see this in the books that immediately follow Genesis when three siblings work together for kingdom purposes. Miriam saved her brother Moses when he was a baby and then their other brother Aaron became the mouthpiece for Moses. They had some problems later on with envy and rivalry but they worked through this in order to serve together for God’s purposes.
It was really cool to see parents bring their children to serve together at the Caring Closet a week ago. Lori Schrock and her daughter Ashleigh served side-by-side. Shirley Simodi brought all three of her children and they served together. Our Lydia and Megan greeted guests as they came in. Shawna and Myles Gilliam served as a team. And Dan and Jackie Schrader even brought their newborn Brayden to work.
3. Lot’s Daughters (Genesis 19). I don’t want to describe what it is that these two sisters did with their own father because it’s so awful but I do want to point out that Lot himself didn’t protect his wife or his daughters on another occasion.
What Satan wants: Siblings to tempt each other to sin.
What God wants: Siblings to protect and encourage each other toward righteousness.
I’ll never forget protecting my sister Jean when she was in junior high. There were some guys bothering her one time and I went up to them and said, “You mess with her, you’ll be messing with me!” Rienow suggests some action points related to this.
* Parents must deliver strong and immediate consequences when a sibling leads another sibling to sin.
* Encourage siblings to hold each other accountable in those areas in which they need help.
* Be intentional about creating an atmosphere where siblings affirm each other with positive words. On birthdays we often ask everyone to tell the birthday girl what it is that we like about her. As we go around the table and share these affirming words, a combination of embarrassment and happiness appears on their faces. It’s a lot of fun and we need to do this more often.
Someone sent me a poem this week that captures how siblings should talk to one another.
Wouldn’t this old world be better
If folks we met would say,
“I know something good about you”
And then treat us just that way?
4. Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25-27). We don’t have time this morning to go into a detailed description of the relationship between Esau and Jacob because it basically covers 11 chapters, but I do want to hit a few highlights. Isaac married Rebekah and when she became pregnant she realized that she had twins within her. Even before they were born they started fighting. They were at war in the womb and the first UFC cage match continued when they entered the world. When Jacob was born, he came out with “his hand grasping” Esau’s heel.
As is often the case with children, these two boys were very different from each other. Esau was a buff and rough hunter who liked to shop at Big R while Jacob was a homeboy who watched the Home Shopping Network. Genesis 25:28 gives us a clue about the mistake that the parents made as each had a favorite: “Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.” As a result, they experienced a lifetime of conflict and competition. Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in famished from the fields and traded his birthright, which was his right to the inheritance as the firstborn, for a bowl of bean soup.
Later on, with the help of his mother, Jacob tricks his dad into giving him the blessing instead of Esau. Esau goes ballistic and wants to wipe out Jacob. Check out Genesis 27:41: “Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, ‘The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.’” As a result, Jacob flees and stays away from Esau for 20 years.
What Satan wants: Siblings to become bitter and estranged.
What God wants: Siblings to reconcile quickly.
Ephesians 4:26-27 gives some strong words to families experiencing friction: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” The reason that it’s so important to deal with all this dirt daily is because most problems are the accumulated effects of old unresolved issues. Some of us have a backlog of garbage with our brothers and sisters.
5. Joseph and his brothers (Genesis 37-50). Envy is a bad thing. I came across a Jewish folk story about a store owner who was visited by an angel who offered the man a wish that would give him anything he desired. There was however, one condition. His rival, whom he envied intensely, would receive double of whatever he received. After thinking it over, the envious man asked to be struck blind in one eye.
Jacob eventually has a lot of kids and unfortunately ends up playing favorites like his own parents did as he gives more attention to Joseph and Benjamin. In particular, he gives Joe a sweet multi-colored coat and the rest of the brothers are so bummed out that they decide to off him. Genesis 37:4: “When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.” This wasn’t the only reason, however, because Joseph was also a brat and a braggart who flaunted his favoritism. Instead of killing him they throw him in a well and then sell him to some travelers who are headed to Egypt.
What Satan wants: Siblings to be filled with jealousy, anger and violence.
What God wants: Siblings to forgive one another.
Take it Home
Dobson offers three suggestions to achieve a state of armistice at home (“The Strong-Willed Child,” pages 169-183). Psalm 133:1: “How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!”
1. Don’t inflame the natural jealousy of children. Parents must guard against comparative statements related to physical characteristics, intelligence and athletic abilities. This last one is particularly powerful as evident from this note written by a nine-year-old boy to his eight-year-old brother after the younger sibling had beaten him in a race: “Dear Jim: I am the greatest and you’re the baddest. And I can beat everybody in a race and you can’t beat anybody in a race. I’m the smartest and you’re the dumbest. I’m the best sports player and you’re the baddest sport player. And you’re also a hog. I can beat anybody up. And that’s the truth. And that’s the end of this story. Yours truly, Richard.”
2. Establish a workable system of justice. Proverbs 17:1: “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.” Here are some boundaries that Dobson established in his home:
* Neither child is ever allowed to make fun of the other in a destructive way.
* Each child’s room is his private territory.
* The older child is not permitted to tease the younger.
* The younger is not permitted to harass the older.
* Any genuine conflict is mediated by the parents as soon as possible.
3. Recognize that the hidden target of sibling rivalry is you. Many times the misbehavior is designed to get our attention.
Because we want this series to be as practical as possible, I’ve compiled 10 parenting principles from various sources to help us reduce rivalry among siblings.
* Teach mutual respect.
* Don’t play favorites.
* Don’t make comparisons.
* Don’t ignore good behavior. Catch them doing good things and applaud them.
* Any child, who demands to go first, will go last.
* Be fair, but not always equal. Factors like age, trust and maturity play into this.
* Show appreciation for who your child is, not what he does.
* Set aside time alone with every child. I love my daddy/daughter dates with our girls.
* Schedule some occasional family meetings.
* Take action when rivalry is intense.
Closing Challenges
I want to end with three closing challenges.
1. Teach your kids how to handle conflict. Since our homes are really “discipleship centers,” where we teach life-long lessons about how to follow the Lord, it’s important that we model and teach our children how to deal with conflict. Rienow explains that many of us make our children say, “I’m sorry” when they do something wrong or have conflict with a sibling. He suggests a better and more biblical approach. It’s a three-step script.
* Admit what you did: “I hit you.”
* Acknowledge the wrong: “I was wrong.”
* Ask for release: “Will you please forgive me?”
He then urges parents to follow the same script and he adds a fourth step based on Proverbs 23:26: “My son, give me your heart.” When he as a dad has done something wrong, he makes this final appeal to his child, “Will you give me your heart?” He does this because it’s so easy to put up walls when we’re hurt and then hide our heart from the person who has wronged us. We could ask it this way: “Honey, will you soften up and open up to me again?”
I had an experience this week with one of our daughters. When we sat down to eat I noticed that she was using her hand to scoop up some rice from her plate and then put it in her mouth. I immediately (and too strongly) corrected her and told her that’s not how we eat. Her face dropped and then Beth told me that she was just trying it because she had learned that that’s how they eat in some cultures. I quickly owned what I did, told her I was wrong and then asked for forgiveness. She said that she forgave me and then I took her face in my hands and asked if she would give me her heart again. She smiled and said, “Yes, daddy.”
2. Partner together to care for aging parents. As our parents and grandparents get older, it’s important that siblings settle this right now – we must work together to provide care and support. 1 Timothy 5:4 says that this is a way to repay our parents and grandparents and it “…is pleasing to God.” This is not an optional deal. Listen to verse 8: “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
I read an interesting article in the Wall Street Journal a month ago called, “When Siblings Step Up” (3/27/10). The reporter pointed out that sisters and brothers are finding new ways to circumvent old conflicts as they take on one of the toughest roles in their lives: caregiver. According to a recent report by the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP, about 43.5 million Americans look after someone 50 or older, 28% more than in 2004. I was struck by these sentences: “It’s not about you or an argument you had 20 years ago. It’s about Dad and what you can do for him…sibling rivalry can emerge or intensify as adult children vie, one last time, for a parent’s love or financial support.”
3. Reconcile with your siblings. According to an article in Psychology Today, approximately 1/3 of adult siblings describe their relationships as rife with rivalry or they are distant from each other. Friends, God may be prompting you to take that awkward step on the road toward reconciliation
When the synopsis for this sermon series first came out I got a phone call from someone who attends PBC. She wanted to talk about how God was working in bringing some reconciliation between her and a sibling. As we talked I asked her what she has learned through this process – she passes these ideas on in the hopes that they will help others.
* Parents need to urge siblings to work out their conflict, not stay in the middle.
* Take the initiative and call. When she did, she said that she “felt her heart beating out of her chest.”
* We must make sure that the root of bitterness is not allowed to grow. Hebrews 12:15 says, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
* We don’t know how bad things are until we talk.
* We must accept responsibility for our part of the conflict.
* We need to increase communication within our families.
* Relationship is more important than things or money or any inheritance.
Before preaching this series I felt like I needed to make sure the air was clear with my own sisters so I sent each of them an email. Here’s what it said: “Recognizing that I wasn’t the best brother growing up, I wanted to ask each of you for forgiveness. In retrospect I wish I would have done a better job of caring for each of you instead of teasing and tormenting. Will you forgive me?”
I saw Cathy and her family on Friday night. They live in the suburbs and were doing a college visit at the U of I (they’re also going to visit the University of Wisconsin so I’m cool with that). When she first called she wanted our family to meet them for dinner and when I told her that Beth and the girls were in Iowa, she rescinded the offer because she said she wanted to see them more than me. Some things never change. I asked her if she ever noticed any sibling rivalry when we were growing up. She couldn’t think of anything except for the time she threw me through a window because she got fed up with me (I had conveniently forgotten this episode). I reminded her that I wasn’t too happy when my parents brought her home from the hospital after she was born.
One sister wrote: “You’ve been forgiven a long time ago, Brian.”
Another responded: “Well, you must know that I saw you as my protector and my hero. Except the occasional pea soup or spit dangling, you were very kind to me. It’s me who should be apologizing for being so cold hearted every time you brought up the word Jesus. So, will you forgive me? I thank you and Beth for modeling a Christ-centered life, and for not giving up on me. Because of you and Beth, now I am able to teach the love of Jesus to my own kids…And, I am in a marriage based on respect, especially respect for Shawn as the head of the house. Please tell your church that you were this kind of brother to me!”
Did you know that Jacob and Esau reconciled 20 years after their huge blow-up? But it didn’t happen until Jacob had a wrestling match with God. God took him down, and Jacob was humbled and we read in Genesis 32 that the cheater, liar, thief and conniver had both a heart change and a name change to Israel. In chapter 33 he sends gifts to Esau and speaks warmly to him. We see three significant changes – he now has a spirit of bravery as he went out in front of all his men to face Esau. Secondly, he has a new found humility – he bows seven times to the ground, admitting that he was wrong. And thirdly, he’s now a person of witness and worship because in verses 5 and 11 he says: “For God has been gracious to me.”
I love the picture in verse 4: “But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept.” Esau forgave his brother but they still had some trust issues to work on. Boundaries were set up as they went their separate ways, in peace. Friends, boundaries are very important to healthy relationships. Let me also say that there’s a difference between forgiveness and trust. Forgiveness must be extended with no strings attached but trust often takes time to rebuild. God wants you to forgive but it doesn’t always mean that you need to become best friends.
In the closing chapters of Genesis, we see that Joseph ends up forgiving his brothers and makes a stunning statement in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Let me finish the story I began at the beginning of this message. After my dad left me by the side of the road, my sisters stopped crying and started pleading with my father to come back and get me. Eventually, what seemed like hours (which in reality were only minutes), my dad turned around and picked me up.
Do you know what my sisters were doing? They were embracing me. Even though I had wronged them, they extended grace and community to me. Even though I deserved to be excluded, they reached out to me. I’m sure they had second thoughts after I got them all crying again just a short time later…
Do you have a sibling or a son or a daughter or a parent or a grandparent standing by the side of the road this morning? Have you pled with our Father to go back for him or her? Are you willing to make the trip yourself?
The Community of Communion
Someone told me a couple weeks ago that she wouldn’t be able to take communion because of some conflict in her family. I told her that she had some time to deal with it. She was right in one regard though. Communion is a check-up time, isn’t it? Jesus died to bring reconciliation between us and God and therefore we must strive for reconciliation between us and our earthly siblings, and between us and our spiritual siblings.
Like Jacob are you wrestling with God today? Communion is designed to be a time of surrender. It’s a reminder of forgiveness. Are you willing to be like Jacob and ask forgiveness from someone you’ve hurt? Will you be like Esau and Joseph and extend forgiveness? Will you give your heart to your Father and trust Him with all your hurts?
