Avoiding the Blame Game
Genesis 2-4
Rev. Brian Bill
4/25/10
Drama: “The Jerry Stringer Show”
Do you know what the most popular game is in the entire world? Could it be Facebook’s Farmville with 82 million active users? Halo? Super Mario Brothers 3? Monopoly, which is sold in 80 different countries? Risk? Scrabble? Battleship? Fantasy baseball with the Cubs winning the World Series? Oh, that is fantasy, isn’t it? Actually, it’s none of those. The most popular game in the world has been played by every human being ever born – it’s called the Blame Game, and most of us are experts at it.
The Blame Game is in our family tree and part of our spiritual DNA. Turn in your Bible to Genesis 2. The scene is Paradise, located just outside of Madison, Wisconsin. Sorry about that. Verse 15 tells us that God made Adam out of the dust of the ground and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. He was given free reign but is told to not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Seeing that it was not good for Adam to be alone, God then created woman. Adam was very cool with this and in the original exclaimed, “Woah, man!” Chapter 2 ends with harmony in their home: “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
Things change in chapter 3 when we’re introduced to the Serpent who caused Eve to question what God had said. After dialoging with the Devil, which is always dangerous to do, verse 6 tells us that “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.”
After eating the forbidden fruit, Adam looks at his wife and realizes for the first time that she doesn’t have any clothes on and then notices that he’s naked as well. Sin’s first consequence is shame and they immediately try to cover it up by sewing some fig leaves together. Immediately after this, they hear the Lord God walking in the garden and they run for cover. Sin brings shame which leads to trying to hide from God’s holiness. No one told them to hide but now their consciences are condemning them. Just a short time earlier they enjoyed intimate fellowship with God but now the fruit of disobedience has brought distance between them and God.
In verse 9 God calls out to Adam, “Where are you?” I love how God is always searching for people who have gone astray. Adam tells the Almighty that he was afraid so he went into hiding. He knew he couldn’t face God uncovered. God then asks him two very direct questions in verse 11: “Who told you that you were naked?” “Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”
Instead of naming what he did, Adam went straight to blaming in verse 12: “The woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” The first person he blames is Eve; actually he calls her “the woman,” probably as a way to distance himself from her. He then tries to put his sin squarely on her: “she gave me some fruit…” And then at the very end he says, “…and I ate it.” It’s almost like he didn’t have a choice. If it weren’t for her and the fact that she gave it to him, the implication is that he would never have munched on the mango, or whatever it was (by the way, the Bible never says it was an apple).
Just as it’s common to place blame on those who are close to us, Adam does something even more nefarious, and perhaps equally popular. Let me read the verse again and this time I’m going to emphasize another word: “The woman YOU put here with me…” Adam is now playing the blame game with God. God, if you wouldn’t have given me this woman, I never would have done it. God, if you would have just done things differently, I would be fine.
The story isn’t over and the blaming keeps going in verse 13 when Eve answers God’s question: “What is this you have done?” Instead of naming it, she starts blaming: “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” She tries to attribute her infraction to the Evil One. It’s the classic, “The Devil made me do it” defense and the devil didn’t have a leg to stand on.
I like how Ray Pritchard puts it: “Technically, Adam and Eve both told the truth. Adam told the truth when he said Eve gave him the fruit. Eve told the truth when she said the serpent deceived her. But both of them were making excuses as a means of avoiding personal responsibility. As long as Adam could blame Eve, he didn’t look so bad. And as long as Eve could blame the serpent, she looks like an innocent victim.
“That explains many things. First, it tells us that the tendency to blame others is deeply ingrained in human nature. Second, it tells us that left to ourselves; we will do anything to avoid taking personal responsibility for our actions. Third, it tells us that blaming others is often nothing more than a subtle twisting of the truth in order to take the heat off of ourselves. Fourth, it tells us that without a deep working of the grace of God within us, we will do exactly what Adam and Eve did” (From a sermon called, “Have You Stopped Blaming Others For Your Problems?” www.keepbelieving.com).
After reflecting on this, here’s what I wrote down: The shame of sin often leads us to not blame ourselves. Or to say it another way: Don’t play the blame game; own it by name and avoid the shame.
Wayne Dyer writes: “All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you…You may succeed in making another feel guilty of something by blaming him; you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”
Before we leave Genesis 3 I want to point out that we often see these three excuses for sin today as well. Some of us are experts in playing the blame game. The problem is that this is not just a game – it has fractured countless families and continues to do so today. Someone has said that if you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
1. Blaming your spouse. This is very popular. If only he weren’t so lazy, then I wouldn’t blow up. I wouldn’t drink so much if she would just stop nagging. Lady Astor, the first American to hold a seat in the Parliament in England, said that “the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.” She was also the one who said to Winston Churchill: “If I was your wife I’d poison your tea” to which the Prime Minister responded, “Madam, if you were my wife I’d drink it.”
2. Blaming God. The “Let’s blame God game” has led to countless parents becoming bitter because of something that has happened in their lives. It could be a lost job or lost innocence or just a general lack of happiness. I know of some people that blame God for their own lack of forgiveness.
3. Blaming the devil. While it’s certainly true that Satan tempts us, he can’t make us do anything. And yet, some people are certain that the devil is behind their actions and therefore they are not responsible for what they do.
I was talking to a friend of mine this week who works for DCFS. I asked him what percent of people he comes in contact with end up blaming somebody or something for their problems. He responded quickly, “60-70%.” He told me that he would love to just hear someone say that something was their fault. He often tells people, “It would be nice to hear the truth for once. I’ve been lied to enough today.”
Don’t play the blame game; own it by name and avoid the shame. Let’s look briefly at what happened to the first family in Genesis 4. Adam and Eve’s first son was Cain and sometime later they were able to have Abel. We don’t really know what went on between them but they certainly had some sibling rivalry (more about that next week). The problem came when it was time to give an offering to the Lord. Cain brought a few vegetables but Abel sacrificed the firstborn of his flock. God was pleased with this offering “but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry and his face was downcast” (4:5). God reaches out to him and urges him to do the right thing and then warns him about sin’s destructive and sinister affects in verse 7: “But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”
Cain ignores God’s warning and instead attacks Abel and kills him. God then asks, “Where is your brother Abel?” Cain goes from giving an unworthy offering to becoming angry to committing murder, to hiding the body and now in verse 9 he lied and denied: “I don’t know.” And then he asks that famous question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Actually, yes you are. Or, at least you were supposed to be.
Because of Adam and Eve’s sin and the friction that resulted in their marriage and then between their own children, let’s just say that every family is in some sense dysfunctional. Sin and selfishness and hiding and shaming and blaming are alive and well today. The only fully functional home was in Eden before Adam and Eve sinned.
In an article in Reader’s Digest almost 20 years ago entitled “It’s Not My Fault,” Pete Hamill coins a word called “victimism” (October 1991, p. 11). Victimism is what happens when we blame other people for our problems. Here’s the deal. If we persist in blaming, then we won’t take responsibility and then ultimately we won’t be healed. Don’t play the blame game; own it by name and avoid the shame.
If we want to experience victory, we must get rid of our victim mentality. We see this in John 5 where we read about a man who had been an invalid for 38 years. He was lying near a pool called Bethesda that was known to have some medicinal properties. The Jews believed that an angel would come and periodically stir the waters. The first person in the pool after it had been stirred would be healed. Hundreds of people would wait for the whirlpool to begin so they could jump in and hopefully be healed. One day, Jesus asked this man a very curious question in verse 6: “Do you want to get well?” This seems like a strange question to ask on the surface but maybe the man really didn’t want to get better.
We have a clue about this because he starts to play the blame game in verse 7: “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” No one will help me and everyone else is rude. Jesus wants to heal him but the man must be willing to be healed. It’s not easy to stop blaming because some of us are very comfortable pointing our fingers at others. To say we want to get well means that things need to change. If you want to be changed, then you can be made well. While it’s easier to stay the way you are, it’s dangerous and paralyzing. I love what happens next. Jesus says to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” And then we read in verse 9: “At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.”
Susan Jocoby writes about people who profoundly believe they are always losers in the game of life. She calls them “injustice collectors” (Pritchard, “Have You Stopped Blaming Others for Your Problems?”)
* They endlessly repeat how others have mistreated them.
* They view the world as hostile and unfair to them.
* They are “beachcombers of misery” who see each grievance as a treasure to add to their collection.
* They have a hidden need to feel wronged.
* They live by the childish notion that life should always be fair to them.
Taking it Home
John Killinger tells about the manager of a minor league baseball team who was so disgusted with his center fielder’s performance that he ordered him to the dugout and assumed the position himself. The first ball that came into center field took a bad hop and hit the manager in the mouth. The next one was a high fly ball, which he lost in the glare of the sun--until it bounced off his forehead. The third was a hard line drive that he charged with outstretched arms; unfortunately, it flew between his hands and smacked his eye. Furious, he ran back to the dugout, grabbed the center fielder by the uniform, and shouted, “You idiot! You’ve got center field so messed up that even I can’t do a thing with it!”
Let’s wrap up by focusing on some ways that we can stop playing the blame game; let’s own it by name and avoid the shame.
1. Look in the mirror. This is the first place to start. Are you a blamer? The answer is probably “yes.” The better question is this: “In what ways do I use blame as an excuse for not accepting responsibility?” Someone has said that people who are out to find fault seldom find anything else.
In Exodus 32, we read about how Aaron shirked responsibility when Moses was up on the mountain with God. He made a golden calf and an altar on which to worship it. He was asked by Moses in verse 21: “What did these people do to you, that you led them into such great sin?” Check out Aaron’s excuses and how quickly he casts blame:
* He blames the people for their depravity (v. 22)
* He blames Moses for his delay (v. 23)
* He even blames the furnace for its delivery of a calf (v. 24)
I read something this week called, “Who is to Blame?” by that famous author Anonymous.
We read in the paper and hear on the air
Of killing and stealing and crime everywhere.
We sigh and say, as we notice the trend,
“This young generation…where will it end?”
Delinquent teenagers; oh how we condemn
The sins of the nation and blame it on them.
By the laws of the blameless, the Savior made known;
Who is among us to cast the first stone?
For in so many cases, it’s sad but it’s true,
The title “delinquent” fits older folks too!
We live in a society where people don’t accept responsibility. I read about a man who tried a stunt that required him to swallow razor blades. He ended up in the hospital Emergency Room and had a huge bill. Instead of taking responsibility for this, he sued the hospital for subjecting him to harmful radiation during x-rays.
I want you to point to the person sitting next to you and with your face make it clear that they’re to blame for something. Now point your finger at me. OK, that’s long enough. That’s weird. Point your finger back at your neighbor again. Now take a moment and count how many fingers are pointing back at you.
One evening several college students spread limburger cheese on the upper lip of a sleeping roommate. Upon awakening the young man sniffed, looked around, and said, “This room stinks!” He then walked into the hall and said, “This hall stinks!” Leaving the dormitory he exclaimed, “The whole world stinks!” We all have limburger on our lips, don’t we?
George MacDonald writes: “The careless soul receives the Father’s gifts as if it were a way things had of dropping into his hand…For the good that comes to him he gives no thanks, who is there to thank? At the disappointments that befall him he grumbles, there must be someone to blame!” We need to get to the place that David did when he clearly confessed that he was wrong, without shifting blame in 1 Chronicles 21:8: “Then David said to God, ‘I have sinned greatly by doing this. Now, I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing.’”
Friends, the only thing that some people learn from their mistakes are how to blame them on others. Let’s stop doing that.
2. Be careful about spending time with complainers. In a study that followed 173 people who graduated from Harvard in the 1940s, those who were most satisfied with their lives were those who handled life’s blows without blame or bitterness. Here’s the deal, if we spend all our time with Negative Nelly or Venting Victor or Billy Blamer, we can become infected with the same debilitating disease according to 1 Corinthians 15:33: “Bad company corrupts good character.”
3. Accept responsibility to make your marriage better. When a couple was preparing to get married, they both realized that they had a problem they had never shared with anyone. The groom-to-be had very smelly feet and asked his dad for advice. His dad told him to always wear socks to bed. The bride-to-be told her mom that her breath was so bad in the morning that she was afraid her new husband wouldn’t want to sleep in the same room with her. Her mom counseled her to never talk in the morning without first brushing her teeth.
They got married and everything went well for about six months because they both followed the advice they were given. That is, until one morning when the husband woke up to find that one of his socks had come off during the night. As he frantically searched the bed his wife woke up and without thinking to first brush her teeth, immediately asked, “What on earth are you doing?” The husband gasped, “Oh no, you’ve swallowed my sock!” It’s so easy to blame, isn’t it?
Mark it down. If you’re married and you’re playing the blame game, your marriage will not get better. As one husband writes, “After six months of marriage, I thought I had married the wrong person, however as I pursued a better relationship with my wife, I was amazed to see that I was the primary source of irritation to the marriage…The fact is, each person in a marital relationship holds a great deal of power to put a halt to much of the conflict that is in their marriage…the ones that ‘get it’ are the ones that stop playing the blame game, and take that same energy and work on their own stuff.”
Two passages come to mind. Matthew 7:4 says, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” And, as much as Jonah got wrong, he was right to admit that it was his wrong that was causing trouble for the sailors in Jonah 1:12: “Pick me up and throw me into the sea and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”
What is your fault? Own it and then accept responsibility to make your marriage better.
4. Be a good example as a parent. How do your kids see that you handle injustices? Do they observe you accepting responsibility or do they hear you blame your boss or coworkers when you come home? Just yesterday morning, while I was working on this sermon, I came upstairs to see Beth and Megan and I immediately started complaining and blaming. Some kind of example I am. Here’s the deal, parents. We are the primary role models for our children. If we play the blame game, they will become experts at it. If we’re not careful, we’ll end up raising mini-victims who go through life blaming teachers and bosses and friends and spouses and then their own children and grandchildren. The old ‘do as I say, not as I do’ doesn’t cut it because complaining is contagious.
This is not easy to do, is it? I read about how a blame game took place in a coffee shop when a husband and wife were there with their little boy. When he started to pick his nose, the mother looked at the father and said with a sneer, “Who taught him to pick his nose in public?” To which the husband said, “You know what happens when we leave him with your parents.”
Many of us have memorized or are familiar with 1 Corinthians 10:13: “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” While this verse has application to so many areas of life, the context in verse 10 has to do with grumbling. God can keep us from grumbling if we’ll take the way out. We can’t just tell our kids to stop blaming; they must see that we’ve stopped.
A few weeks ago I shared with our older daughters that someone had brought up some things to me that were hard to hear. They felt bad for me but because this individual was right I said something like, “You know, I needed to hear what he said because it was true.” I think I surprised them, and I know I surprised myself because my default setting is to get defensive and look for someone or something to blame. It would be great to hear someone say, “I sinned. It was my choice. Nobody forced me to do it. I did it because I wanted to.” Actually, I shouldn’t wait to hear someone else say this. I need to stop making excuses and refuse to play the blame game by owning by name what I’ve done.
5. Accept no excuses from your kids. I wonder what would happen if each of us we would make our home a “No excuse zone”? Maybe we even need some signs that say, “No Excuses.” Actually, we do have a sign for you in your bulletin to put up in your house somewhere. Let’s try this. Whenever you hear someone start blaming or making excuses, make the sound of a buzzer to signify the blame game is over. Let’s try it together: Mommp! Here’s the deal. Kids, you have permission to do this when you hear your parents playing the blame game as well.
Here are some practical things to teach your kids.
* Life is not fair. One of the best things we can teach our kids is how to handle adversity because they need to learn that life does not revolve around them.
* Take responsibility. Children don’t become responsible by accident or by magic. I’ve shared this before but when I started a fire in a forest and my parents found out they made me call the Fire Department. Lesson learned. I don’t play with matches anymore.
* Enforce consequences. I came across a very helpful article this week called, “13 Ways to Really Mess up Your Children.” I posted it on the blog if you’d like to read it (www.pontiacbible.org). For the sake of time, I’ll just mention one that applies to our topic today. #4: Always do what you can to keep your child from having to experience the consequences of their behavior. Pay their traffic tickets. Pay for overdue books. Pay their parking fines. Run interference for them. If their paper is late, insist that a teacher is unfair for picking on your child.
* Don’t play the victim. When kids try to shift the focus away from their responsibility and start making an excuse or play the blame game, our job is to say Mommp! and then shift it back from excuse to responsibility.
* Don’t make excuses for them. Sometimes parents can inadvertently fall into the blame game by making excuses for their kids. For example, when you see your child ignore an adult here at church, don’t say, “Oh, she’s just shy or tired or not feeling well.” There’s really no excuse for rudeness.
Don’t play the blame game; own it by name and avoid the shame. As the ushers come forward this morning for our offering, aren’t you grateful that our chains are gone? It’s all by His amazing grace that we can stop playing the blame game.
Music
It’s difficult for some of us to worship because we feel so much shame. Some of you blame yourself for the way your kids are living. Friends, there’s such a thing as true guilt and false guilt. True guilt is remedied through the forgiveness of Christ. False guilt paralyzes parents.
Can I share some really good news with you? After Adam and Eve sinned, God made garments of skin for them and clothed them. Their guilt and shame and blame were now clothed by God but a death had to take place. Instead of executing them, which they deserved, God took the life of a substitutionary animal instead. Their fig leaves weren’t going to last. No matter what we do to try to cover up our sin, it won’t work in the long haul. We can’t run away and hide, we can’t minimize our sins, and blaming somebody else won’t take away our guilt.
But this is where God steps in. He makes garments of skin – leather garments! God permits a substitute to take their place and so started the entire Old Testament sacrificial system. From Abel on, millions of animals died on altars in place of people. But the sacrifices weren’t totally sufficient because there was always the need for another one. That is, until Jesus became the final sacrifice who covered all our sin with His own skin. And we’ve never had to sacrifice again. (Thanks to Pastor Karl Walther for this idea).
And so today God is asking you a question just like He asked Adam: Where are you? He’s seeking you. He’s offering you a covering for your sin and shame so you never need to blame again. Will you respond to His question today?
Let’s sing “Amazing Grace” again as we close.
