Building a Family God’s Way
Psalm 127
Rev. Brian Bill
4/18/10
How many of you are on Facebook? Let’s see a show of hands. You might be surprised to know that 291 people have joined the PBC Facebook Group. Did you hear the story from a week or so ago about a mother from Arkansas who has been charged with harassment for making entries on her son’s Facebook page? Her 16-year-old son filed charges against her after he claims she posted slanderous entries about him.
The mom says that she was just trying to monitor what he was posting: “I read things on his Facebook about how he had gone to Hot Springs one night and was driving 95 M.P.H. home because he was upset with a girl…” When asked what she’s going to do now, the mom replied: “Oh yeah, I’m going to fight it…I think this could be a precedent-setting moment for parents…If I’m found guilty on this it is going to be open season on parents.”
How many of you think the mom was within her rights to monitor her son’s account and post entries on his page? How many of you side with the son? By the way, I check on our daughters’ Facebook activity and also go through their texts so you better be careful what you send them!
In our technological world, parenting has gotten more complicated hasn’t it? I heard a speaker at the high school this week challenge the students to go without texting for a day to see if they could actually talk without their thumbs! According to the Kaiser Family Foundation, if you add up the total time children spend consuming “media,” which includes iPods, phones, computers, video games and TV (and now iPads – I’m coveting one of those), it’s almost 8 hours a day, seven days a week! This is more time than most grownups spend in a full-time job.
Here’s one sentence that really jarred me: “Children spend about four and one-half hours daily in front of the TV, about two and one-half hours listening to music, an hour and a half on the computer, about an hour and a quarter playing video games, and just 38 minutes reading.” Electronic media are now “a part of the air that kids breathe,” says Vicky Rideout, director of Kaiser's Program for the Study of Media and Health. Amanda Lenhart of the Pew Research Center's Internet & American Life Project jokes that iPods and cell phones may be this generation’s “magazines and chewing gum,” harmless ways to fill time (see www.businessweek.com and www.usatoday.com). That may be so but I’m not so sure that it’s all that harmless.
For the sake of full disclosure, I’ve been hassled about my incessant blogging, emailing and Facebooking, but I just want you to know that I significantly reduced my Internet consumption this past week…but that was because our connection here at church was down for four days!
Hope For Your Home
We’re beginning a brand new series today called, “Hope For Your Home: Learning From the Families of the Bible.” God created the institution of the family but it is under attack today. Actually, from the very beginning, families have experienced friction and many have fractured. In this study of the good, and not-so-good, families in the Bible, we’ll discover timeless principles that will help us find hope for our homes.
I recognize that some of you are single, others of you are married without kids, and others don’t really want to hear about families. I want to propose that we’re all connected somehow to a family and since we’re the family of God here, we all have the responsibility to influence and impact children. In addition, many of us are aunts and uncles or even grandparents.
Please turn in your Bibles to Psalm 127. This is a psalm of ascent, song by joyful worshipers as they headed to Jerusalem for one of the feasts. It’s written by Solomon and parts of it sound like Ecclesiastes. Some commentators believe it was sung to parents by the Jewish community. This makes a lot of sense because faith must always be lived out at home. When faith and family are linked together, a powerful force is set loose! As I read and reread this psalm, I wrote down this phrase related to the family: If God doesn’t bless, it will be a mess.
I see three parenting principles that we must embrace.
1. Don’t overestimate yourself. While there is work and watch care that we must provide as parents and grandparents, it’s the Lord that ultimately does the building and protecting. We see this in verse 1: “Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.”
Benjamin Franklin quoted this verse in a challenge to the Continental Congress, adding, “Do we imagine that we no longer need God’s assistance? The longer I live the more convincing proof I see of this truth, that God governs the affairs of men…without His concurring aid we shall proceed in this political building no better than the builders of Babel.”
That reminds me of the picture we see in Genesis 11 when all the people of the world got together to build a tower that would reach to the heavens. The builders made great progress but when God saw what was happening, he “scattered them over the face of the earth” (Genesis 11:9). Why? Because they were building without God’s blessing. And whenever we do that, our work is in vain. The word “vain” means, “worthless or empty.” The phrase, “Unless the Lord…” is repeated twice and in the first two verses the word “vain” is hammered home three times to make the point that if God doesn’t bless, it will be a mess.
In Solomon’s day, Jerusalem was on about 8 acres of land and surrounding the city was a wall that protected the people. After going in and out of the city during the day to tend their flocks and fields, the gates were closed and then the night watchman climbed a tower, much like the towers at the Pontiac Correctional Center and kept watch. As good as they were at these precautions, if the Lord didn’t provide protection, they were sunk. If God doesn’t bless, it will be a mess.
The reason God hits this so hard is because we all have a tendency to think we can handle our homes on our own. We believe what we do is what’s most important and what God does is just secondary. This works both ways. When things are going well, we think we did it. And when our kids head south, we think it’s totally our fault.
I read an extremely interesting article in Christianity Today three months ago called, “The Myth of the Perfect Parent” (www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/january/12.22.html). Here are some highlights: “More than any other generation, today’s parents are worried sick that they will mess up their children’s lives…we must assume, then, that there is a serious error in our beliefs about parenting. We have made far too much of ourselves and far to little of God, reflecting our sinful bent to see ourselves as more essential and in control than we really are…The reflex is to judge ourselves by our children, and to judge others by their children…”
The article continues: “The question we ask of ourselves must be reframed. We need to quit asking, ‘Am I parenting successfully?’ And we most certainly need to quit asking, ‘Are others parenting successfully?’ Instead, we need to ask, ‘Am I parenting faithfully?’ Faithfulness, after all, is God’s highest requirement for us…It is likely that we are asking the wrong question as parents. We are so focused on ourselves—on our own need for success and the success of our children—that we have come to view parenting as a performance test.”
While the author doesn’t quote Psalm 127:1, you can hear echoes of it in her conclusion: “We are not sovereign over our children—only God is. Children are not tomatoes to stake out or mules to train, nor are they numbers to plug into an equation. They are full human beings wondrously and fearfully made. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and, above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula, grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God’s grace, our children grow up to become.”
The first principle is to avoid overestimating ourselves. The second is to make sure we’re not overworking in our jobs because if God doesn’t bless, it will be a mess.
2. Don’t overwork your job. Take a look at verse 2: “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for He grants sleep to those he loves.” These words are directed to the one who can’t seem to stop overworking. The workaholics among us need the reminder that in comparison to our kids, work is worthless. It is vain, or empty, to get up early (some of you would like to say ‘amen’ to that!) and it doesn’t make much sense to stay up late worrying either, though I’ve done some of that. Let me be quick to clarify that Proverbs has a lot to say about not being a sluggard and the importance of working hard. 2 Thessalonians 3:10 adds: “For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: ‘If a man will not work, he shall not eat.’”
Another way to view why we shouldn’t overwork in our work is that, according to Bob Deffinbaugh, it violates a basic spiritual principle: “God gives to those who have learned to rest in Him, not to those who strive in their own strength.” One translation says, “He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.” God’s blessings don’t come by our self-effort; they are the product of His grace. Solomon experienced this in a big way in 1 Kings 3:1-15 when, while he was sleeping, he asked God for wisdom and was also granted riches and honor as well. One person has said that since God doesn’t sleep, we can. We see this in Psalm 121:3-4: “He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”
I heard about a first grade girl who wondered why her dad brought home a briefcase full of work every evening. Her mother explained, “Daddy has so much to do that he can’t finish it all at the office.” To which the daughter replied, “Then why don’t they put him in a slower group?” Sometimes I think I need to be put in that group!
The great pioneer missionary, David Livingstone, once wrote to a friend, “I hope you’re playing with your children…In looking back…I have one regret, and that is that I did not feel it my duty to play with my children as much as to teach the natives. I worked very hard at that, and was tired out at night. Now I have none to play with. So, my good friend, play while you may.”
Let’s avoid overestimating ourselves and overworking at our jobs and finally, let’s make sure we’re not overlooking our offspring because if God doesn’t bless, it will be a mess.
3. Don’t overlook your children. Verse 3 tells us that children are meant to be a blessing, not a burden; a heritage, not a hindrance: “Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.” It’s interesting that the words for son, daughter and house come from the same root which means, “To build.” Sons and daughters build up a household as much as stones and timber constitute a building (Wycliffe Bible Commentary). Rabbi Leo Trepp writes: “Each child brings a blessing all his own, our ancestors would say. We rejoice in children because we are a people, a historical people.”
How many of you have watched the Duggar family on TV? Their show is called, “19 Kids and Counting.” They keep changing the name when they have more kids. I tuned in one time to find out the mom had another baby. An older brother asked the younger siblings if they even knew she was pregnant. When I went on their website yesterday I found out they are a strong Christ-centered family (www.duggarfamily.com). The parents have posted some helpful parenting tips and I’ve included them on the blog.
As Solomon shifts from building a house to the people in that house, he reminds parents that it is a privilege to have children. I read about a woman who once came to visit the great preacher Charles Spurgeon. She said to him, “Reverend, I really feel God is calling me to the ministry.” Spurgeon asked her, “Are you married?” She replied, “Yes, I am.” He then asked her, “Do you have any children?” “Yes,” she replied. “I have 13 kids.” In his witty and wise style, he remarked, “Well, praise God! Not only has He called you into the ministry, He’s even given you a congregation!”
Harmon Killebrew once said, “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass.’ ‘We’re not raising grass,’ my dad would reply, ‘we’re raising boys.’” One of saddest things I can think of is when a parent tells their children that they are brats or worse yet, when I hear of a child being abused in some way. One pastor writes, “We should treasure our children as we would a precious gift from a wealthy friend – because that is what they are.”
Dean Ridder’s grandfather died this past week and Dean had the honor of giving the eulogy at the funeral. Dean has given me permission to share part of it this morning: “As a farmer, Grandpa tended to his work, taking care of young plants, nurturing them to maturity, and reaping a harvest in the end. He has done the same for our family. He cared for young children, nurtured them to maturity, and reaped a harvest as he watched his sons come to Christ. Then he was able to watch his grandchildren grow, and come to Christ. He even got to watch many of his great grandchildren begin their walks of faith. As his grandson, I have received generational blessings because of his steadfast faith in the Lord. I am grateful. Grandpa pointed my father to the Christ of Calvary as his only source of hope and strength. My Dad in turn pointed me to that same cross as my source of salvation. I am now doing my best to point my children to Christ, and hope to someday watch my own grandchildren come to walk with the Lord as well.”
The word “heritage” can be translated as a “gift” and in the Jewish mind God either opens or closes the womb, based on His sovereign purposes. Some of you wish you could have children and for some reason the Lord has not gifted them to you but it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you.
Verse 3 tells us where children come from – they come from the Lord. Verse 4 tells us where they’re going – they’re to be launched for the Lord’s purposes. To explain this better I’ve asked Scott Peterson to come up front with his bow and some arrows: “Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Scott’s a bow hunter and I thought it would be helpful if I asked him a few questions.
* Back in Bible days, arrows were made out of sticks that had to be sharpened and straightened. It took a lot of work. Why’s it important to have arrows that are not crooked? How does this relate to our children?
* Arrows were kept in quivers back then. Where do you keep your arrows so that you can shoot them quickly? How would you feel if you had your arrows ready but you never released them? How does this apply to children? Isn’t it part of the childrearing deal that at some point we have to launch them?
* Tell us about what happened when you missed that 10-point buck this past season. You’re over that, right? Why’s it essential to have a sight that’s accurate? How are the Scriptures like our sight that helps us aim correctly?
* Have you ever just shot an arrow straight up into the air? (Careful, no Wisconsin jokes here). Why is it important to have a target to shoot at? What do you think is our target as parents?
For me, 3 John 4 nails what it is I long for: “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” I love what Jim Eliot wrote to his parents when they were putting pressure on him to stay in the States instead of serving as a missionary in Ecuador: “And what are arrows for but to shoot? So, with the strong arms of prayer, draw the bowstring back and let the arrows fly – all of them, straight at the Enemy’s hosts” (“Shadow of the Almighty,” p. 132). This isn’t easy. In fact, Jim Eliot was martyred shortly thereafter.
I can remember when I was teaching Becca how to ride her bike. I was running with her with one hand on the back of her bike as she meandered down the road because I wasn’t ready for her to go solo yet (and to think that she’s now practicing driving a car!). As I was running as fast as I could to try to keep up for some reason she hit the brakes and I went flying over both her and the bike and landed in a pile on Dorothy Drive (when I read this to Becca yesterday to get her permission to share this story, she said, “That was awesome!”). I wasn’t too happy with her quick stop but when I saw her sweet smile I just hugged her and limped home. Being a parent is a lot like teaching a child to ride a bike because you have to know when to hold on and when to let go. And if you don’t let go, you’re going to get very tired running along beside and you may end up with some serious road rash.
We must guide our children and then let them go. It’s the idea of giving them both roots and wings. And like John the Baptist said in John 3:30, as parents we must get to the spot where we say, “He must increase, I must decrease.” That’s our role as parents; as they increase, we must decrease. Marsha Murphy sent me something that choked her up this week and it did me as well because our families both have daughters graduating from college this year. Here’s what she said in her email: “I thought of you guys too when I read this! We are feeling a lot of emotions at this point in our lives, some sadness, but joyful and grateful to our Great God and Savior who is so faithful in His promises. He has been so good to us all! To God Be The Glory, Great things He has done!”
It’s called, “Kids are Like Kites” by Erma Bombeck.
You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground.
You run with them until you’re both breathless.
They crash. They hit the rooftop.
You patch and comfort, adjust, and teach.
You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they’ll fly.
Finally, they are airborne.
They need more string and you keep letting it out.
But with each twist of the ball of twine, there is a sadness that goes with joy.
The kite becomes more distant, and you know it won’t be long before that beautiful creature will snap the lifeline that binds you two together and will soar as it is meant to soar, free and alone.
Only then do you know that you did your job.
Verse 5 gives us another reason to not overlook our offspring – because one day they’ll be looking after us: “They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.” The city gate is where important legal business was transacted. It was also where enemies would try to enter so it was helpful to have a godly family to back you up.
This verse helps us see that children serve as protectors and providers for their parents as they age. I often ask our girls which one we’ll be living with when we get older. Maybe we’ll just rotate between all four of them. I know that many of you are caring for parents right now. I think of what Judy Dewald is doing with her father and what Charlotte Drent is doing with her mother and stepfather.
Taking It Home
Let’s see how we can take these truths back to where we live because as we’ve been learning, faith must be lived out at home. Robert McKenzie points out that when we work at remodeling our homes, there are four things we need to remember:
* It will take longer than you planned.
* It will cost more than you figured.
* It will be messier than you anticipated.
* It will require more patience than you expected.
Those are good words for us as we try to live out our faith at home and pass it along to the next generation.
1. How committed are you to build your family God’s way? To ask it another way, “How badly do you want things to get better?” This is the place to start because things won’t get better until you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. This psalm is not advocating that builders stop building or watchers stop watching and just let God do it all. No, we build, we watch and we work in tandem with God. God blesses as we work and trust. Are you ready to do your part?
2. Confess the times you operate in your own strength. James MacDonald points out that there are some clues we can use to let us know when we’re not building our families God’s way – when we’re angry, anxious, impatient and empty. Are you more hollow than holy?
3. If you need a marriage tune-up, Pastor Dick is offering a marriage class during the second hour.
4. Will you make a commitment to attend all the sermons in this series or if you miss, to read the manuscript or listen online?
5. Here’s one parenting tip from the Duggar’s – try to give 10 compliments for every correction you give your child.
6. We’re going to give every parent an arrow (it’s actually a nerf dart) as a reminder of our role. Please put this somewhere where you can see it every day. Children are ultimately responsible for the flight they take and the mark they make.
One day Henry Ford was driving in the Michigan countryside when he came upon a man who’s Model T had broken down. The guy was bent under the hood trying to figure out what was wrong. Mr. Ford stopped and asked if he could take a look. In a few minutes, he had the car running. The grateful owner said, “I’m amazed at your ability; you fixed my car so easily.” Ford replied, “I ought to be able to fix it, because I’m the one who designed it.” The same is true with God—He designed us, and our families, and He can fix whatever’s wrong with us. Because if God doesn’t bless, it will be a mess.
In order for us to live our faith at home and launch our children at the right target, we, must get out of Facebook and get our face in the Book, the Bible! Pastor Jeff pointed something out to me this week. The first place to start with our Faith at Home emphasis is with faith. Each of us, as parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles, must do whatever it takes to grow our own faith, and that is impossible without time in the Word. It would be helpful for you to read Genesis 2-4 in preparation for next Sunday’s sermon called, “Avoiding the Blame Game.”
Stu and Linda Weber wrote a message to one of their sons when he graduated from college. Here’s part of what they put on parchment paper inside a nice frame:
“As arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” To a world very much needing his character, his gifts, his skill, and his love for Christ, we, Stu and Linda Weber, do proudly and humbly announce in the manner of our heavenly Father, this is our beloved son, Kent Byron Weber, in whom we are well pleased. Like an arrow fashioned not to remain in the quiver, but to be released into the heart of its target, we release Kent to adulthood.
We know him to be thoughtful, capable, and mature. He is the message we release to a world we will never see. He is a man. We release him to his manhood and all of its responsibilities. To the finding and cherishing of a godly and supportive wife, to the begetting and raising by God’s grace and design of believing children. And to the commission of the lord Jesus Christ Himself to go into all the world, making followers of all people, teaching them to observe the rich and life-giving truths of His Holy Scriptures.
Kent, we love you, we’re extremely proud of you, and we release you to the target of being all you can be in Christ. You will always be our son. You will never again be our little boy. Thank you, Kent, for having graced our lives with your remarkable sonship. You have blessed us richly.
"Be strong therefore, and show yourself a man" (1 Kings 2:2).
“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." (1 Corinthians 16:13).
Your very fulfilled parents, Stu and Linda Weber.
Amen to that.
