Scripture Introduction
If I ask you what is most like half the moon, is it half an orange? half a basketball? a round of cheese? The answer is the other half of the moon! So if we ask what is most like a man, the answer is a woman. And what is most like a woman? a man. Men and women are different, and vive la différence [ vēv-lä-dē-fā-räⁿs ]. But we are more alike than anything else in creation. (Adapted from Boice, Genesis).
God makes for Adam a woman, a friend with whom to be united in the deepest and most self-giving love. Thus, marriage is a high and holy privilege, and we do well to study its beginning in Genesis. We will also add a saying of wise King Solomon.
[Read: Genesis 2.18-25; Proverbs 18.22. Pray.]
Introduction
A husband and wife come for counseling. The pastor asks, “What seems to be the problem?” The wife answers: “It all started when he wanted to be in the wedding photographs.”
G. K. Chesterton claimed that the only topics worthy of humor are the most serious. Marriage is the most serious of all human relationships and sometimes we must laugh at ourselves and the messes we make of this divine institution. At the same time, none is untouched by some hurt related to marriage. Whether difficulties in your own, or that of a friend or family member, we all have wounds from marriages that failed to meet expectations or expectations of marriages that failed to materialize. Even if we do not recognize it, the frequency of divorce impacts everyone, by its long-term consequences on society, especially in children.
No wonder Ken Myers said: “Our time is one of the most confusing in human history in which to think about marriage.”
Some suppose marriage itself is the problem and suggest we eliminate this old fashioned and outdated tradition. But that would be like removing the levies since they could not hold back the storm surge from Hurricane Katrina. The levies did not cause the problem, the hurricane did; and the only hope is stronger levies, not removing them. Marriage controls and constrains; it holds back the waves of sinful passions and desires so that people enjoy one flesh in spite of our nature. We must not eliminate marriage, but build it up, strengthen the institution, and exalt it as a great gift from God!
Two cautions as we begin. First, we must be careful of only focusing on mechanics. God does define our roles in marriage and describe how we should relate. And as we obey the Scriptures (by grace and through faith), we reveal the greatness of God’s gift, and the goodness of his ways. But if we stop there, we risk making marriage an end in itself.
Pastor John Piper explains this in his article, “The Surpassing Goal: Marriage Lived for the Glory of God,” (Building Strong Families, p. 96): “But there is another deeper, more foundational level where the glory of God must shine if these roles are to be sustained as God designed. The power and impulse to carry through the self-denial and daily, monthly, yearly dying that will be required in loving an imperfect wife and loving an imperfect husband must come from a hope-giving, soul-sustaining, superior satisfaction in God. I don’t think that our love for our wives or theirs for us will glorify God until it flows from a heart that delights in God more than marriage,… when the glory of God is more precious to us than marriage.”
We may not make a happy or even well-functioning marriage our goal, as desirable as that may be. God is the goal of marriage, never the other way around.
My second caution is to remember that we all have fallen short. Sometimes couples want to hide the high ideals of marriage so they do not feel so acutely the pain of failures. As tempting as that may be, faith in God requires that we glory in the greatness of the gift, so that we are drawn closer to the Giver, and so that we will depend more and more on him for both the grace of forgiveness and the grace to remake our marriages to the standard. So let’s begin.
1. We Honor God’s Gift of Singleness
Even though this sermon is on marriage, I do not want the unmarried to nap. I think understanding this can draw you closer to God and help you better love your married friends. At the same time, I should make some observations about singleness (and I draw much of this from John Piper, “For Single Men and Women (and the Rest of Us),” in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, xvii-xxviii).
First, I admit that I “do not know what it is like to be single as you know it,” especially in the church. Margaret Clarkson describes life as an unmarried adult (So You’re Single): “Because married people were all single once, they tend to think that they know all about singleness. I suggest this is not so…. There are times when such a depth of loneliness wells up within us, such a sense of alienation engulfs us, that we cry out to God in anguish at the apparent waste of his endowments. Rich personalities that know no blending with another; brilliant minds that know no kinship; full hearts that find no union with their kind—to what purpose is such waste?” I recommend Farmer, The Rich Single Life: Abundance, Opportunity, and Purpose in God, Sovereign Grace, 1998.
Second, we affirm that marriage is not the final destiny of any of us; it will not exist in heaven as we know it here. Mark 12.25: “When they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.”
Third, we remember that Jesus was not married and that Paul and other great missionaries renounced marriage for the sake of the kingdom. No matter how nice marriage can be, it cannot be essential to full humanity, holiness, or happiness.
Fourth, we insist that singleness offers extraordinary opportunity for God-directed and God-honoring ministry in the kingdom. This is clearly taught in 1Corinthians 7.
Fifth, we know singleness is a gift, and with it chastity, though accepting this can be hard. Ada Lum, who served in Christian ministry all of her life, notes: “For a long time I did not consider my single status a gift from the Lord. I did not resent it—to be frank, in my earlier idealistic period I thought that because I had chosen singleness I was doing God a favor! But in later years I was severely tested again and again on that choice. Then, through Paul’s words and life and my subsequent experiences, it gently dawned on me that God had given me a superb gift!” (Single and Human, 22).
Sixth, we count on Jesus’ promise of a church family to repay, in some sense, the forsaking of an earthly family for the sake of the kingdom.
Seventh, we believe that God is to be trusted as Lord over who marries and who does not.
Eighth, we stress that neither godliness nor mature manhood or womanhood depend on marriage.
I know these points need explaining and applying. Today, however, I list them with the hope that those who are single and those who are not will love each other well, and value our unique callings in the kingdom. For what remains of our time, we must note some principles about marriage.
2. We Must Labor Hard to Fulfill the Reasons for Marriage (Genesis 2.18-20)
Seven times Genesis one calls creation, “good”; the last time, “very good.” So Genesis 2.18 screeches its strange pronouncement: “It is not good.” Here God especially emphasizes that creation is incomplete without woman. This is because Adam needed from Eve three things only a wife can provide.
First, he needed close companionship. To arouse Adam’s sense of loneliness, God parades the animals before him; but for Adam no friend is found. So God makes one—not a shotgun, a football team, a television, a job, a drinking buddy, a computer, or even children. God makes a woman and marries them. This points to one source of our troubles: we refuse the work necessary to make a best friend from our spouse.
As a student at Georgia Tech, I drove a ’66 Mustang. It required near constant fiddling with the carburetor and points and old electronics. But I wanted it to run reliably, so I worked on it regularly. In the same way, close companionship requires constant fiddling in our fallen world. We must work hard at being best friends.
Second, Adam needed help. Even in his pre-fall perfection, Adam was not made to go it alone. This has profound implications; here are four:
First, notice that God made Eve to help Adam, not the other way around. The feminists movement derided Tammy Wynette’s song, “Stand By Your Man,” but it made her career when it rose to number one on the charts in 1968. Ladies, take Tammy’s advice: if you cannot “stand by your man,” then do not marry, because God made you to help your husband.
Second, remember that Eve is a helper like Adam, equal in dignity and worth. Men, if you cannot honor women as equal bearers of God’s image, do not marry. God does not give Adam a servant to work for him or a dog to be there when wanted. God provides a princess to rule beside Adam and to help him extend the dominion of the King.
A third application of the help Adam needed comes when we consider that God made Eve to be one with Adam—to live and work together to accomplish a common goal. I picture Adam and Eve side-by-side, taking on the world. But I have found, from years of marriage counseling, that the fallen world we live in and the sinful desires of our hearts often combine to turn husband and wife face-to-face so they take on one another.
Men, you need help. Do not be ashamed of that, for God makes no one self-sufficient. Instead, allow your faith to be encouraged by God’s proving a helper far beyond what you deserve. Value her as a treasured gift.
Women, you need a head, an authority over you. Do not be ashamed of that, for even the Son of God submits to the Father’s will. Instead, rejoice in your high honor of being a helper like God.
A fourth (and final) application of the help Adam needed is this: most of us should marry. Yes, God gifts and calls some to a chaste and single life with unique opportunities in the kingdom. Yet it remains a rarer option; most of us need a spouse. I (for one) could not pastor without Helen. Her insight, wisdom, and encouragement are priceless. Marriage is good; most should seek it and commit to the hard work necessary to fulfill its purposes. We have considered two purposes so far: the first reason for marriage is companionship, the second help; now the third thing only a wife can provide is holy offspring.
Third, Adam needed holy offspring. While babies can be made apart from the covenant commitments which sanctify marriage, know that such rebellion brings judgment and terrible consequences. Hebrews 13.4: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
There are wonderful uses for dynamite in construction, mining, and even planned demolition. But it wreaks terrible damage when misused. Likewise, physical intimacy within the covenant of marriage is honorable, desirable, and commanded, a mighty blessing for the pleasure of God’s people and the creation of a holy seed. But apart from marriage it is forbidden, as destructive as dynamite when misused.
The reasons for the first marriage—companionship, help and procreation—remain for us as they did for Adam and Eve. Sin makes them difficult to achieve, but those who trust God labor hard to fulfill the purposes of marriage.
3. We Trust God To Make Our Marriage Partner (Genesis 2.21-23)
Adam sleeps while God works; I wonder what Adam would have said if he had watched God work? “Can you make the nose a little smaller? I really want a redhead. I’m thinking an inch or two taller.” Obviously, it is silly to imagine Adam giving orders to God. But Adam’s sleep is a beautiful picture of trusting God’s provision.
For you who are single, does not this event ask you to trust God for a spouse? And for us who are married, does this not rebuke the times we have thought that we needed a different spouse than we got?
Wives, does your husband fail you? Instead of complaining about the one “whom God gave to be with” you, what a difference it would make if you believed that the very problems your man has are the ones God made you best able to help with! What a difference it would make if you knew that your husband’s flaws were the very ones which most helped you grow in patience and dependence on the Lord!
Men, does your wife not treat you as you deserve? Could God be rebuking your pride and lust for honor? What a difference it would make if we relished the privilege of loving our wife as Christ has loved us, overlooking faults and covering what we suspect to be such grievous sins?
Adam slept while God worked. Will you join him in trusting that God has made for you a perfect match?
4. We Accept God’s Goal for Marriage (Genesis 2.24)
One flesh is the goal, but what does that mean?
“One flesh” means a union stronger than any other. Even the parent-child relationship must be severed to make a marriage; but Jesus said of this new bond: “What God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19.6).
“One flesh” means that a man and wife, when married, are to be united in thought, passion, purpose, desires, goals, motives, vision, doctrine—in everything!
“One flesh” means that what is his is hers, and what is hers is his, and all we have, we have together.
“One flesh” means that we constantly strive to set our love and affection on our spouse. We strategize ways to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to honor and respect, to prize them above all other people on the earth.
“One flesh” means you jealously guard the unique relationship with your husband or wife. Of course, adultery destroys that union, as does divorce, but the problems start long before that fateful day. Men, this means we refuse to lust for other women, real or digital, because we trust God’s perfect provision in the wife of our youth. Women, this means you give yourself physically in your relationship with your husband and refuse to fantasize about a better man or better life.
When a man and woman first marry, “carbonated” hormones sustain the momentum toward perfect unity. But like a 2-liter pop left open on the counter, the fizz fades, and the couple drifts apart. Sinful people in a fallen world must look to God’s promise of “one flesh” so they delight to fight the good fight of the faith and experience the joy described.
5. We Received God’s Promise of Joy in Marriage (Genesis 2.25)
Of course, Adam and Eve were unclothed. But physical nakedness is only part of the bliss of marriage. This text tells us that Adam and Eve knew each other exactly as the other really was, for they had nothing to hide and they hid nothing.
Sometimes people wonder why we have confession of sin in our worship service each week. It is not we need to be saved again and again. It is because only those assured of God’s grace and forgiveness can truly confess. We do not admit our failings in order to forgiveness; we do so because we know we are forgiven.
So it is in the covenant of marriage. Here is the place where we are to be truly honest, because we are fully accepted. The joy of marriage is in knowing and being known, spiritually, emotionally and physically. Naked and not ashamed.
6. Conclusion
Elizabeth Elliot, Let Me Be A Woman: “You can’t talk about the idea of equality and the idea of self-giving in the same breath. If two people agree to dance together they agree to give and take, one to lead and one to follow. This is what dance is. Insistence that both lead means there won’t be any dance. It is the woman’s delighted yielding to the man’s lead that gives him freedom. It is the man’s willingness to take the lead that gives her freedom. Acceptance of their respective positions frees them both and whirls them into joy.”
Everything in marriage is designed by God to bless us. Sometimes we feel that being open with our spouse, or honest about our spending, or accepting help, or laboring for one flesh—doing any of the things that are part of a true marriage will bring trouble. It may. But sometimes God will intervene and it will bring joy. Regardless of the trials or troubles in your marriage, however, trusting that these promises are true will bring you closer to God. And struggling with the problems and disappointments will teach you to call on him in times of trouble, so that you find his grace sufficient.
