Ways to Submit (for women AND men), prt. 2
Joint Lecture w/ Christy Flowers, M.A.
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
March 28, 2010
Last week Christy covered two of a woman’s top five needs, and I covered two of a man’s top five needs. This week we want to finish with the final two. Remember to hear this in light of Ephesians 5, which says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. When we identify our partner’s needs, and get deliberate about meeting those needs, that is a way of serving our partner, and serving is always submitting. Remember also, on this Palm Sunday, our Lord who humbled himself supremely, submitted to us ultimately, by sacrificing himself completely for us, which is of course what husbands are instructed to do for our wives. Christy?...
Need #5 -- Admiration
I talked last week about #3, an attractive spouse and #4 domestic support. Today, I’m starting with #5 on the list, Admiration. I was taking with Dave about this and we believe this should be #1 or #2. This deals with a man feeling respected. Everyone wants to feel respected, but men often need this even more than women. It starts from a very early age. Wives, please don’t knock your husbands down time and time again. Guess what? You’re grown up husband was a little boy at some point. That seems obvious, but I think we girls forget and we cannot do that. I look at the little boys I work with and think, “Oh my gosh! These little guys have to be someone’s husband and father one day.” Right now they can’t even properly blow their nose. And their feelings get hurt when little Sally tells them they didn’t make their b right. When you complain that your husband didn’t vacuum the floor right it’s the same thing. You knocked him down. Some of you are very good at that. And some of you don’t even realize just how good you’ve gotten at it. But your husbands know. And I bet your friends and family know because they feel uncomfortable being around you when you do it!
So husbands start sticking around work a little longer. They go out with the guys a little more often to avoid coming home to get yelled at or nagged at more. And when they do come home you do yell or nag. This reinforces the desire to stay away or to just not do anything because he can’t do anything right in your eyes anyway, so why bother trying.
Ladies, if you want to affair proof your marriage and make your husband feel like the king of the world show him ADMIRATION. Thank him for even the small things. In saying that, I want to encourage you to avoid coming across as insincere or as if you are just TRYING to flatter him. Okay, I know at least one of you is running the same thought through your mind over and over, “But what if there isn’t anything to admire about him?” To that I would say, I would love to sit down with you and talk. If that’s where you are at, you need to seriously take stock in your marriage. I would put money on the fact that you’ve chosen to focus on his faults for so long that you are now blinded to his fabulous points. And guess what? Your husband would say the same thing because he has started to feel like no matter how hard he tries nothing he does is right. It’s time to turn a blind eye to his faults and focus on looking for his good side.
So what if the diaper is on the baby backwards, at least he volunteered to change the baby’s diaper! Yes, he washed the hand wash only ice cream scoop in the dishwasher, but he was trying to surprise you by washing the dishes! It’s only an ice cream scoop. Is it worth tearing him down over it? By tearing your man down every time he does something wrong you are creating a situation where he just won’t do anything. It’s better to not do it than to do it wrong and get yelled at!
However, if you came home and notice the dishes are washed and thank him for being the best hunky husband ever and give him a big hug and kiss, guess what? You’ve just made a HUGE deposit in his love bank and he’ll get all puffed up and feel good about himself for making his beautiful wife, that’s you, happy! In fact, he’ll feel so good about it that he’ll want to do it again because it felt so good the first time. So then you’ll turn around and he’s making the bed. Before you pass out and hit the floor, thank him for taking the time to do it. And maybe he did wash the hand wash only ice cream scoop in the dishwasher and now it’s ruined. That’s okay! He made an effort to show love to you by helping out. We all need help around the house. Appreciate him. Admire his efforts and then go shopping and by a new ice cream scoop. It’s cheaper to buy a new ice cream scoop than to pay for a divorce attorney because all you do is complain and find fault!
I am being extreme here, but I think I’ve made the point. Willard Harley says that, “Honest admiration is a great motivator for most men. When a woman tells a man she thinks he’s wonderful, that inspires him to achieve more.
For some men with low self-esteem, sincere admiration helps them to believe in themselves. Harley says that without it men will become more defensive and easily become angry when they feel demeaned or attacked. Do you blame them? Criticism causes men to feel defensive. Admiration causes a man to feel motivated. Disrespecting your man doesn’t help matters, but will only make matters worse. It is demoralizing to him and will end your marriage. And my last comment on that is this, to those of you that have sons, would it be okay for your future daughter-in-law to treat your son the way you treat your husband? Or okay for her to talk to your son the way you talk to your husband? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably on the right track. If the answer is no, then you need to focus on changing your ways.
Need 5: Family Commitment
Your wife needs you to be committed to your family and to demonstrate that in tangible ways. Here’s what that involves (time for straight talk):
1. Learn how to be consistent. Be home when you say you’ll be home. Do the projects you tell her you’ll do. If you make a commitment to her or one of your children, keep your commitment. Let me put it to you straight – Men, if you find yourself always arguing with your wife over why you do not keep your commitments, then there is one more child in the family than you realize, and that child is you. I’ve always said only half-jokingly that if I ever write a book about marriage it will only have two chapters: Chapter 1: Men, Grow Up. Chapter 2: Women, Put Out. The End.
2. Learn how to discipline properly. This might require you to do more growing up and learn to deal properly with your own emotions. If you weren’t disciplined appropriately as a kid, now is the time to break the chain. The cycle of dysfunction ends here. If you don’t deal with your own stuff, then you will either be overly harsh or overly passive in your own approach to discipline.
3. Learn how to reach agreement with your wife. Remember, husbands and wives are called to submit to one another, but you are called to sacrifice yourself for her. This doesn’t mean you become a doormat, but neither does it mean you pull this ridiculous “leader of the household” junk with her. As soon as you find yourself saying that and lording that over her, you have sacrificed your leadership and resorted to bullying. See her as your partner and learn to reach agreement with her. Wives, be amenable to other ways besides your own. You have to be willing to compromise as well.
4. Use wisdom in applying rules. Rules in your home are there to provide order and structure, not to be ways of enforcing your will on other people. This will require you to consistently choose authority in your home and to reject the display of raw power as often as possible. Which leads to my last point.
5. Learn how to handle your problems with anger and pornography. I’ve met few men who didn’t struggle with both of these, and guys, you cannot put your family first if you allow these to rage out of control in your marriage. You are responsible for putting both of these things down for good. It’s not about anger management or pornography management. It’s about rooting these out of your life. If you want to be a man your wife will respect, handle your issues with anger and porn.
Need #2: Recreational Companionship
Rick Light was telling me his small group had an interesting conversation about this next topic, which is Recreational Companionship. So what is recreational companionship? It’s the time spent doing activities together that you both enjoy. For example, Dave and I love going to the movies. We’ve even gone and watched one movie after another just because we love movies at the theater so much. Guess what we did a lot when we were dating? We were poor teenagers and couldn’t afford to go to the movies, but I bet we rented pretty much every movie that came out on video! That was a shared activity that we enjoyed during our dating and still enjoy now.
According to Harley’s respondents, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband. This is tricky, because men and women often enjoy different recreational hobbies. For example, I LOVE watching sporting events and Dave does not. There are some concerts he would enjoy that I would not. The point is that he needs me to spend time having fun with him. The couple that plays together, stays together! Over the summer he wanted to go to a concert to see his favorite artist, Terry Taylor. I don’t care for Terry Taylor and Dave is fully aware of that so he asked Rick to go. Rick couldn’t so Dave wasn’t going to go. I called him and asked if I could go with him. He let out a huge sigh over the phone, I could hear it. He said, “There’s no one in the world I would rather go with” (no offense, Rick!). We went out to dinner and to the small, intimate venue to see the concert. Terry’s music wasn’t different from before, I still didn’t love the music, but I LOVED watching Dave enjoy the concert. He was so happy and so engrossed in the performance. There was a question and answer time between the audience and Terry afterwards and Dave really enjoyed that. Honestly, I was so glad that I went. If I had stayed home, Dave might have missed the chance to see his favorite artist up close and personal. I would have missed being the one he shared it with. Ladies, they want us to be the person beside them when they’re having fun. If they didn’t they wouldn’t have asked us to stand beside them at the altar. He needs to have fun, he works hard for the family and he needs play time to relax and work off stress. If you don’t make it a priority to do fun things with your husband, you’re cutting yourself short of creating wonderful memories together. Your marriage becomes a business partnership rather than an intimate relationship.
Need 2: Conversation
Your wife needs conversation. Now I have to be honest here and say Christy and I are totally opposite on this. I’m the one that needs conversation. I absolutely love taking Christy to dinner and just getting into a good conversation with her. I find intelligence really attractive. Christy is extremely intelligent and insightful and (obviously) encouraging, and I just love talking to her and hearing that stuff come out, and seeing how she continues to grow in wisdom and grace. Christy, on the other hand, enjoys conversation but doesn’t have that deep need like I do. She has to be intentional about being conversational. She’s action-oriented. Words are less important t h er than action, and she loves the experience of just living life together day by day. So just like I have to continue to be intentional about affection, she has to be intentional about conversation. When life gets really busy and I don’t get that from her for a long time, I just feel like I’m starting to lose her – like I’m shriveling up inside and can’t connect to her.
Now we don’t fit the stereotype here. Usually men are not comfortable with conversation, especially the kind that connects people deeply to each other. But I took the time to tell you how it affects me when I don’t get that conversation from my wife because there’s a very good chance that that’s the same way it affects your wives when they don’t get that conversation from you.
If you’re a typical dude, when your wife says, “Let’s talk,” chances are it makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong. If not, what is there to talk about, right? Guys, you use conversation to get things done. To solve problems and work through things. Therefore, “we need to talk” means “We need to fix a problem.” But women use conversation to connect to other people. Heck, they even talk about problems without even wanting to solve them at the moment, don’t they guys? Drives us crazy sometimes, and we can’t figure out why they don’t want us to solve their problems – but it’s because problem-solving is not the same as connecting. Your wife doesn’t want to feel like a problem you have to solve, she wants to feel like a priority that you pay attention to. When you solve problems, you put them away and are done with them. When you pay attention to things, you give yourself to them. That’s what your wife wants you to do. Remember from last week -- she needs to connect with you – to feel like she is part of your world. This is a huge way of doing that.
Men live by the phrase “Say it and solve it. Preferably just solve it.” When guys talk to each other, the conversations usually focus on achievements – hunting, fishing, sports, etc. Men rarely talk about their families with each other and almost never discuss their feelings with each other. Even I, as a guy who loves conversation, do not like to sit around with dudes talking about my feelings. I’ll talk to my wife about that stuff, but with a few exceptions, that’s it.
Husbands, your wives need this connection with you. Try this. Come home from work a day this week and when your wife asks you how work went, instead of saying, ‘Fine,” say something real, like “You know, Joe in accounting drives me crazy. He criticizes everything I do and is always trying to make me look stupid.” For the first time in your life, your wife will be speechless. She’ll light up. That’s all she wants, is to connect with you and feel like part of your world. So talk to her, and let her feel that way.
Need #1: Sexual Fulfillment
It is no surprise for most of us that sexual fulfillment is number one on the list for a man’s needs. Women are always talking about the sexual desire of men and usually it’s that sex is all they think about. Well it’s not all they think about, but it is very important to them. It’s their number one need in marriage.
Harley says, “The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s need for affection.” He says if both sides are willing to listen and change, then a couple can solve this without much difficulty. I love when he tells the readers of the books “Remember, affection is the environment of the marriage, sex is the special event.” Sex should be a special event. It was created by God. It is a beautiful connection between a husband and wife. It is sacred…and fun…and awesome!
I have to tell you, I am shocked when I hear women slamming sex. I don’t get it. God made sex for both parties, ladies. It’s fun for you too. Gentleman, if your wife is not taking care of you in the bedroom, I challenge you to think about whether or not you are taking care of her outside of the bedroom, and maybe even inside the bedroom. Remember, God made sex for her enjoyment too.
Men often feel cheated once they get married. They think they have made a commitment to their wife and now they will get to enjoy having all of their sexual needs met. He expects her to be sexually available to him, just as much as she trusts him to meet her emotional needs. A man agrees to limit his sexual experiences only to his wife and then often finds himself stuck with a wife unwilling to fulfill her end of the bargain.
Women, I ask you, is it any wonder a man will wander outside of his marriage if his number one need is not being met? If you were dying of thirst and your well was dry would you stay at home or move to a new house? As many as half of all marriages will experience the devastation of marital unfaithfulness. Affairs don’t “just happen” as people often say. Affairs happen when spouses are not meeting the needs of one another. Ladies, if you don’t take care of your man, I assure you there are many single, or even married, women that will gladly take him from you.
Wives, I encourage you to communicate with your spouse. I realize this can be a sensitive subject. When I talked with teens as a youth pastor’s wife I used to say if you can’t talk about it you shouldn’t ought to be doing it. You are married. Be willing to be vulnerable and open to talking with your spouse about your sexual fulfillment and his. It makes me sad to think couples are unhappy because of sexual incompatibility. It’s worth the effort to make things better. The best thing about working through this is it’s a win-win situation for you both!
Need #1: Affection
Men are not socialized to be affectionate. Most of you realize I’m no man’s man, hunter-fisher-car fixer-football player-wrastler – I’m definitely more of the sensitive, verbal, bookish, relational type. But I gotta tell you – I don’t do affection well. I don’t give affection well, and I don’t usually receive it very well either. There’s something in me that feels very uncomfortable with affection, and there is only one exception to this and that’s my children. From the instant my girls were born I’ve never been able to stop hugging and kissing them. This was such a powerful thing to me, and so foreign, that a few days after we got Brittany home from the hospital, I said to Christy, “I just can’t stop kissing this baby – kissing her head, her hands, her cheeks, her lips – is that wrong?” I just had absolutely zero understanding of what this relentless drive was for affection, and suddenly I found myself overwhelmed with these emotions I had never really experienced before. Women, please understand this this is often where we’re coming from. We’re not wired that way.
Now that affectionate response, guys, is hard-wired in me when it comes to my girls. It’s as natural as breathing. But being affectionate with my wife – that just does not come naturally at all. It’s one of those areas where if I am not intentional about it, I will just stop doing it.
Affection tells a woman:
1. I’ll take care of you and make you feel safe. You matter to me.
2. I’m concerned about your problems and I am with you.
3. I think you are doing a great job and I’m proud of the person you are.
You won’t believe this but it’s true: Studies show that the number one behavior you can begin practicing today that will divorce-proof your marriage is to kiss your wife every morning before you leave for work, and every night before bed. Couples that do that have a significantly lower divorce rate. Affection is about staying connected. That’s why women aren’t usually that responsive when their husbands approach them for sex, and it’s the first time their husbands have hugged or held them all week.
So there you have it. A quick marriage pick-me-up. We never want to fail to get in some stuff every year that can encourage you in your marriage. Please remember, if talking about this stuff causes arguments, or if you simply don’t feel you want to meet the needs of your spouse, you probably need more help than what we could offer here. I hope you’ll call or email and let me help you get the help you might need.
