What’s in your wallet?
Ephesians 4:17- 5:2
Last week we talked about fear and how fear is a gift from God that protects our lives. However, often we let fear take our lives away from us if we allow the natural tool to go wild and unanchored in Christ.
Today we are looking at another emotion. To be more exact, we are looking at a sub category of an emotion. The big picture is about anger. An just like with fear it is an emotion that is both a useful tool and perhaps is even easier to let get out of control. The Bible describes circumstances for righteous anger and unfortunately I doubt that most of the times we become angry we actually meet the criteria that would keep our anger from being a sin.
The actual topic for today is hardly mentioned in our scripture at all. However, I believe that when this emotion takes root in our heart everything we do and say is affected.
It was lunch time at the truck stop when three of the biggest meanest bikers that you would prefer never to see walked in. It was clear they were looking for trouble. They bumped and nudged people as they pushed by the short line of people waiting to be seated.
They walked straight over to a truck driver sitting alone at a table.
The first biker says “You’re sitting in MY seat!” Then he walks up to the trucker, and puts his cigarette into the truck driver’s pie. The second biker walks up to the trucker, and spits on his plate. The third biker walks up to the trucker, and pours out his coffee onto the table.
Without saying a word, the truck driver gets up and hands the cashier a 20 and leaves the building.
One of the of the bikers says to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, is he?"
Looking out the waitress replies, He’s not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"
Today we are talking about post-traumatic embitterment disorder.
Well that is what it might be called by mental health professionals in the future.
You and I would use the word bitterness.
- Bitterness is an emotional response that is exhibited when people feel that they have been wronged.
-Bitterness is what anger becomes when it gets a little age on it. It is a seemingly natural mutation when anger goes unresolved for a time.
This complex enhancement on anger can happen to good people that work hard at something, a job, a relationship and anything the person feels is worthwhile and something unexpected happens.
They don’t get the promotion, the spouse wants a divorce, they fail to make the Olympic team, or don’t get elected president.
However it is not just the big traumas in life that can plant bitterness in a person. More often smaller situations and events can be the cause of bitterness in a person’s live.
Any event that causes anger in a person based on a feeling of injustice can cause bitterness to take over in the person’s life. Instead of dealing with the loss, attack or wrong the person feels like a victim and their response is anger, pessimism, aggression and haltered.
To leave the clinical sounding description, I might use a more common phrase,
“Don’t get mad, Get Even, as a description.
My sister broke or took my stuff so I broke or took her stuff.
Don’t get mad. Get Even!
When that guy comes up behind us with his high beams on, ridding our bumper. We slow down, let them pass and immediately turn on our brights and speed up to give some payback.
Don’t get mad. Get Even!
There’s an old story of two monks. The tradition of their order was that you never touch a woman. Not a handshake. Not a hug. Not a pat on the back. Nothing.
One day, they were traveling and they came up to a river that was swollen with rain. There were a few inches of water splashing across the top of the stone bridge. On the opposite side of a river, there was a tearful woman in a wedding dress. They crossed the bridge approaching the woman.
The monks said “What’s wrong child?”
She said “I’m getting married today. But the bridge is flooded, and the church is on the other side of the river. I don’t want to get my wedding dress wet.”
The monks had a dilemma. Finally, the first monk said, “I think God wants us to help.” So he picks her up, and carries her across the bridge so that her dress doesn’t get wet. He sets her down, and with tears in her eyes, she says “Thank you so much! I thank God that you were here!” And she gave him a big hug.
After she left, the monk joined his companion on the other side of the river. The other monk looked at him and said “How dare you!!! How dare you break our traditions by touching a woman!”
The first monk said “I thought that this is what God wanted me to do.”
The next day, the 2nd monk was still fuming. He said “I just can’t believe you would break the rules of the Holy Order!”
The first monk said “I was just trying to help.”
On the third day, the 2nd monk was still mad. He said “I just can’t believe you did what you did!”
Finally, the first monk said, “Brother, I set the woman down two days ago. YOU’RE THE ONE who’s still carrying her!”
-- Bitterness holds on to a how dare you! … attitude.
Perhaps, I need to share a few signs that hint at a deeper problem of bitterness because it is not always clear that a person has a problem that is gnawing away at their insides.
Let me be clear, depending on the person, many times the bitterness that lives in a person remains hidden and only the person knows and feels its presence. Only the person knows why they say no or yes to opportunities or people or choices.
- Often a bitter person has a critical nature. They might have a series of inner questions that most people will never know about, like…
Why does so and so give Mrs. What’s-her-name a hug and not me?
Who does she or he think they are involved in everything?
Why do the referees always pick on my team’s players?
Another trait that a bitter person may have is that they secretly celebrate the failures, problems and even misfortunes of others.
Wishes that crazy driver gets a ticket… Or that a job is lost …. Or that some how the person gets what he or she deserves….
A third trait is that a bitter person writes off whole groups of people.
Men, women, Auburn fans, politicians, Christians, rich people,
The strongest trait of a person dealing with bitterness is that the mere mention of a person’s name or a place, or event makes anger flash up within them. Somehow even after years, and decades a passing memory or photo or slight reminder brings something back to life….and with it comes the pain, the haltered and the discomfort.
-- Bitterness can be pointed in a variety of directions,
It could be toward friends or family. Maybe you lent someone some money. They promised to pay you back. But it’s been almost a year or longer…perhaps much longer and they haven’t paid you back. That feeling that comes up …is it bitterness?
Or maybe your spouse said or did something years ago that hurt your feelings. Even though he (or she) – OK - HE apologized, you still feel wounded. Is that bitterness?
Or maybe you’re bitter toward God: “Lord, I prayed. I asked in Jesus’ name for you to do this. You didn’t do it. WHY????”
Or maybe you’re bitter with yourself. You say “How could I have been so STUPID? I can’t believe I did what I did! This one lousy mistake cost me everything!”
Bitter people attempt to separate themselves from the offenders and people that point out that they bitter prefer to protect and justify the affects of bitterness on health, and quality of life. Sometimes with space (avoidance) however, most often with words. Words of disapproval, doubts…shared “privately.” With people that agree and understand the pain. Instead of dealing with the feeling or the person or the event.
A bitter person tends to be very selective of their friends. They tend to connect with people that are like minded. They agree on the injustices they have experienced and support each others feelings. They encourage the get even and how dare you attitudes in each other.
With time the injustice…the debt grows is size.
-- Bitterness seems to work like a credit card. The injured person is the issuing bank. There is a perceived debt of some kind and the longer the time the more the person the bank feels something is owed to them in interest on the debt.
All too often the offending person is totally unaware that some kind of debt is mounting.
Our scripture today Paul is talking about how the “Lord insists” that we live differently than the world. It explains that the gentiles, the world, are frustrated in their thinking. Their understanding is separated from God because of ignorance their hearts are hardened.
-- It speaks about sensuality and indulgence and an continuous “lust for more.”
That description sounds familiar. It definitely sounds like the world we live in.
-- And in an uncomfortable way it sounds a little like me.
Fortunately for all of us today’s message is less about being like the world and more about bitterness. My focus for today starts in Verse 26, "In your anger do not sin" : Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Paul acknowledges that “Anger Happens” and warns readers about anger using Psalm 4:4 where the Psalmist indicates that unresolved anger interferes with a relationships with the Lord. There is some level or limit that we should know becomes a sin. Then Paul warns us that unresolved anger can be a foot hold to the devil.
I don’t like the sound of that. That clearly suggests that while anger happens it can become a bigger problem when it is not dealt with.
In reality most anger is probably closer to being a sin than righteousness in the first place. And one of the differences between Christians and the world is in dealing with anger. One of the signs to the world that Christians and church should show the world is in unity which is obviously destroyed by anger and the results of sinful anger.
Looking at all of you today, I can’t claim to see any anger on your faces so why is this a topic of study? For the past few years we have lived in unity.
However, I have witnessed the signs from time to time.
- I have seen the momentary disapproval on faces.
- I have witnessed tears in the corners of eyes hinting at emotional pain.
- I have heard anger in voices with no apparent sign of disagreement.
I have witnessed the sprouting of shoots of bitterness like I have seen the privet hedge try to take over the park again.
Old anger tends to stay deeply rooted in our emotions and all we seem to be able to do is keep it trimmed back in an attempt to get along.
Bitterness is a battle that every Christians struggles with as long as we are in this world.
Paul is well aware of this and he reminds his readers,
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
Reminds me of the Senator who was known for his temper. He was tired of people ignoring his ideas. So one day in mid-session, he stood up and shouted, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
The other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the Senate chamber.
After a long pause, the angry member said, "All right, I withdraw my statement. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
Sometimes bitterness is not invisible or silent. In small ways bitterness eats away at a person until they start to leak and their critical nature speaks out. Sometimes it is only with family or close friends. The stories of the past wrongs and injustice leak out or sometimes pop out like one of the gusher oil wells in the movies.
Paul tells us to get rid of bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander and malice….
This is not only important in our relationship with the Lord.
It is critical for marriages, for families, for friendships and especially for churches.
These emotions when not resolved tear apart lives…perhaps not all at once…but the effect is always present. Every choice, every plan, every relationship runs through the filter of our emotional health.
Maybe you already know about the problems that bitterness can cause in your life and in the lives of the people around you. Perhaps you experience the bitterness of another person and don’t know what to do.
Paul tells us how to solve the problem of bitterness…..
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other”
You say ,“Well, what if I don’t “feel” like being kind and compassionate? What if I’m too mad to be kind and compassionate?”
The answer is that kindness isn’t a feeling that you feel. Kindness is a choice that you make.
It means that we choose to be kind even when our emotions tell us no. It means that we look for ways to resolve relationship problems and forgive when we still fee wronged.
A lady was at the end of her rope so she went to see an old friend to talk about problems in her marriage. She said “I have a lot of bitterness toward my husband. I want a divorce. Not only that, I want to hurt him for all the times he’s hurt me.”
The friend had experienced similar problems in her marriage said “ It you really want to cause him pain, this is what you gotta do: For the next three months, go out of your way to be affectionate. Tell him how much you love him. Tell him how proud you are of him. Tell him that you pray for him. Leave love notes on the bed. Get him a nice birthday present. After you fool him into thinking that you’re more in love with him than ever, hit him with the divorce papers. That’s the way to hurt him!”
Six months later, the lady ran into her friend, She said “I did what you said.”
He said “Good. Now’s the time to file for divorce.
She said “I don’t want a divorce. I love my husband more than ever.”
Once she started showing kindness and compassion, the bitterness went away, and the good feelings came back. That’s how it works! You gotta remember this: Love and kindness are things that you DO, not things that you feel.
You can’t sit around waiting for bitter feelings to go away.
The only way to up root the bitterness in your life is to ask Jesus to help you deal with the roots. To help you to forgive the interest on the debt and then to help you to forgive the debt itself.
What is in your wallet… are there debts that you owe?
Perhaps the better question is what debts have you placed in other peoples wallets. Perhaps without even letting them know that there is something you think is owed to you… money, time, an apology…. Debts that have affected how you live and the relationship you make.
This morning, some of you are still carrying burdens that God wanted you to set down a long time ago. It’s time for you to let them go. It’s time for you to set them down. It’s time for you to forgive. And be freed form the bitterness that weighs down your soul.
All Glory be to God!
