INTRO: Storms come
I've lived in shacks
My mom lived in cars
I've lived in hotels
„« Storms come
Remarried...step children
In the country...in the city
A palace or an apartment...storms come
You have a house and not a home
You need a place of refuge
The church is not to take the place of the home
Animals have homes
The distinction is who built, and where your house is built.
We have too many false expectations that happiness comes from the perfect mate
Newlyweds / after the new wears off
Mr. Right is Mr. Wrong + Mrs. Almost
Those who've been married 50 years had storms
„« Storms will come
Rain falls on the just and unjust
I know you have storms
Jesus sailed through storms
Walked on them
Commanded them
You need Jesus
STORMS
I. Financial Storms
ƒ{ It makes no difference how much money you make
ƒ{ 500 is just as big to some people
ƒ{ As a 50,000 storm is to others
ƒ{ The more you make, the more you need
ƒ{ New levels bring new devils
ƒ{ All financial storms are not from a lack of money;
ƒ{ Some financial storms are because you have money
ƒ{ You don't know what to do with it
ƒ{ You have different philosophies
EXAMPLE: I'm a spender
Patti's a saver
ƒ{ Some storms are that he makes all the money,
ƒ{ Makes all the decisions,
ƒ{ And uses the money to dominate you
ƒ{ Some storms are that she makes more than him and he is insecure in that
ƒ{ Some storms are that you have too much money and don't have time or room for God
ƒ{ Some storms are that you're broke, busted and disgusted.
ƒ{ Some are trying to look like you have money but you don't
7 PRACTICAL STEPS FOR MONEY MANAGEMENT IN MARRIAGE
1. Be a team
Don't put all pressure on her...
Make financial decisions together.
2. Define success
She will help meet if she knows the goal
3. Have a Golden Rule mentality
Norman Schwarzkopf, when asked how he got to spend so much time fishing, replied, "It's easy. Every time I get a new fishing rod, my wife gets a new piece of furniture." He learned to satisfy her, to show his care for her wants and not just his own.
4. Plan together for big changes
What do you do if your financial situation is about to change in a significant way? Suppose one of you has received a big raise or major bonus. I suggest you each separately consider and write down what you would like to do with the money. Then come together, perhaps one or two weeks later, and compare lists. This lets you see what the other's uninfluenced priorities are.
5. Plan together for small changes
An example of a small financial change might be; getting overtime pay, a small raise, or winning an award or minor bonus. You could decide what to do about this using the big change method. It's probably easier to just discuss what to do and start the discussion by letting the receiver of the change make suggestions.
6. Communicate goals
7. PRAY
II. Communication Storms
ƒ{ We need to be stewards of our tongues
ƒ{ What is said in our families -- multi linguistic
ƒ{ Some of you have never admired one another
ƒ{ You can murder with your mouth...some of you are bleeding
ƒ{ Too many things said the wrong way
ƒ{ We all feel the same things, but we don't communicate the same way
ƒ{ Men don't know how to say, I am really a little boy under this cape and boots...
ƒ{ ...so they get mad
ƒ{ Men go to caves...don't go in after him
DIFFERENT COMMUNICATION STORMS
1. (The Tornado) Angry Communication
Just because you're under stress, doesn't give you permission to:
-assault me with your mouth
-break the furniture we bought together
How you communicate has a lot to do with the reaction that you get
EXAMPLE: speaking to the dog
You don't get what you need; you get what you negotiate
Give some to get some
We need to learn to communicate without rage...tears...silence
Adult feelings but childish communication abilities
The wrath of men worketh not the righteousness of God.
You'll never get it right with wrath
You'll never pitch a fit and work it out.
2. (The Lightning Storm) Misunderstood Communication
You're listening but are you understanding?
Men aren't as good at talking...unless it's the ball game.
Men and women speak different languages
Men want quiet...women want to talk through it...when he comes out of hibernation.
Children add to the equation with their own words
Misunderstood signals
Under fathered and over mothered
Why is she angry when I touch her that way?
We're married
Everything they've been through
When passion has no place to go it perverts
3. (The Snow Storm) Silent Communication
Quiet, indifference, secluded, solitude
It's common among Christians
Because we say wrath and anger are wrong, we try to crucify
But, in reality, we're bottling up
The best thing I did was verbalize that fact that I was getting angry
On the outside it can't be seen
Speak through kids
Silence will lead to anger and affairs
Because someone will talk to them
Your spouse is valuable to someone
No release, no recovery
Takes the trash out and doesn't come back
4. (The Earthquake) Implosive Communication
It falls in, not out
It caves in because of outside influences
Too many voices: friends, neighbors, mother-in-laws, counselors
Saying if I were you...
The reason you are with him is because you can deal with it...they can't
Outside pressures start affecting inside situations
Because everyone has an opinion
If we would trade problems
Anytime the pressure on the outside becomes greater than the person on the inside
Mary came to town talking about, if I was your wife...
Good sex keeps you from pressure on the outside
1 Corinthian 7:1-7
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.
2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
6I say this as a concession, not as a command.
7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.
Isaiah 54:2 -- Strengthen your stakes
"Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes."
You can't help outside circumstances
Going to the in-laws
You can't help what people say
Jesus told his disciples, I don't care what they say about me
Who do you say I am?
Some say I am great/bad...Patti / kids say
You can't help what you go through
But you can help how you go through it.
5. (The Hurricane) Explosive Communication
It comes from within
All I said was...
Its unresolved issues
Its hurt now manifested in anger
We said something that set our spouse off
Because of something broken on the inside
Anger -- rage -- self destruction
You destroy yourself down to the level you see yourself
When something explodes, it hurts everyone around -- mostly the ones we love -- because they are the ones that are close.
Put out the fire of unforgiveness...bitterness
Men that are abusive aren't mad at the wives, they're mad at themselves!
Too many people are fasting for the storm not to come, but its coming
If we endure it depends where we build
EXAMPLE: Testimony about my anger
III. Authority and Submission
1 Peter 3:1-7
* This is an area that continually storms in the homes of America
* The Bible clearly teaches that men are to be the head
* Things began to be twisted when Eve became the head by becoming the provider...offering the fruit
* Men are to be the providers
„X Man was first created with position
„X Man had position before he had person
Genesis 3:15
"And I will put enmity
between you and the woman,
and between your offspring and hers;
he will crush your head,
and you will strike his heel."
- man will rule
- woman was deceived
* PROVIDER:
o Financially
o Spiritually
o Emotionally
o In other words: lead
* Many women would submit...or follow...if the man would lead.
* Women respond well to goals
* Any woman that has to submit to a man with no vision, the relationship will lead to division.
* Men and women both have misunderstood submission
* Men are not to be demanding
* Men don't even know the Bible...they're dumb, saying "woman submit"
1. We must lead by motivation, not intimidation
2. Intimidation leads to domination, ends in frustration
3. It should have been negotiation
- We get what we negotiate
Ephesians 5:21-22:
"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord."
Submission:
Women are not supposed to submit to men
Women should submit to their own husband
Singles, be sure who you decide to come up under
Submission...you choose
We've had too many wrong definitions of submission:
Unassertive, passive, white flag, bowing, lowering, second class, no initiative
God's definition of submission:
1. Loyal
2. Complementing
3. Faithful
4. Willing
5. Flexible
6. Bending
Not my will, but fixing my dinner
I believe the woman's movement started because men didn't value the significance that God intended for women.
When the husband leads properly he doesn't need to demand she submit
MEN, instead of emphasizing how his wife should submit, the husband should concern himself with how he loves her and leads her.
A good leader is a good lover
Vs 25
Jesus cam to serve...Matthew 20:28
If you serve your wife, she will follow you anywhere
Find out her needs and meet them
IV. Past...(Pre Marriage)
ƒ{ When you marry someone, you are marrying their past...they move in with all their stuff
o Patti is a quiet communicator
o I was explosive
o Family problem...we broke up
ƒ{ Suitcases full of what they've been through
ƒ{ Trauma...hurts...molestation
ƒ{ Previous marriages
ƒ{ All the residue of what we've been through
ƒ{ We walk with a limp
ƒ{ Problems we encounter as a child most likely still confront us as adults
ƒ{ Things we were told we couldn't do as children still haunt us as adults
EXAMPLE: Our first fight was about what time I wanted dinner. Years later I realized it was because whenever we had dinner in our house it was with someone I didn't like.
ƒ{ Divorce carries a certain sense of failure and rejection from that experience.
ƒ{ David was rejected by his father so he looked for another in Saul and was rejected by Saul.
ƒ{ He became a womanizer.
ƒ{ You can't understand why she gets so mad or defensive
ƒ{ When you say, or do, or touch
ƒ{ She flies off
ƒ{ Something she went through...or someone has hurt that area and it hasn't been fixed yet.
Ephesians 5:25-27
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
ƒ{ To break through these barriers you must talk
ƒ{ The wall of Jericho
ƒ{ The intimacy that God created for man and woman has been destroyed and distorted in so many ways:
„X Promiscuous
„X Pornography
„X Rape
„X Watching a flirtatious mother
„X Seeing your older sister pregnant
ƒ{ Verbal abuse, rejection
ƒ{ The way my Dad did it
EXAMPLE: The BBQ Grill
ƒ{ We must stop measuring our future with the yardstick of the past
ƒ{ Otherwise we are going to repeat it...
ƒ{ It's why abused, become abusers
ƒ{ Your daddy's demons must be fought
ƒ{ The questions won't heal you, that's information
ƒ{ The answer will, that's revelation
ƒ{ Three napkins...past, present, future
PHILLIPIANS 3:13-14
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize
ƒ{ The children of Israel...process
o 1st day could still see the buildings
o 2nd day hear the hoof beats of pharaoh (fear)
o 3rd day smaller buildings
ƒ{ Until one day you no longer recognize where you were, who you were
ƒ{ So many are trapped in the past
ƒ{ Reviewing, wondering...good or bad
ƒ{ Some won't forgive your own self
ƒ{ It's like a punishment
ƒ{ God forgave you...others forgave you
ƒ{ But you won't forgive yourself
ƒ{ Therefore, you self-destruct
ƒ{ It's like trying to run a race, looking backwards
ƒ{ You're forgiven...live that way...move out of the leper colony
ISAIAH 43:19
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.
ƒ{ How this relates to marriage
ƒ{ We treat our mate as we see ourselves
ƒ{ I've been hurt...mistrust...broken promises
ƒ{ My father never loved me...molested, sexually abused
o Then you never fully show your heart or give yourself
o Sex isn't intimate; it's just an act
o Victorious or victimized
ƒ{ Or, I tried so hard to please my dad, and it was never good enough
ƒ{ So, I am not giving 100% in this marriage, I can't stand the pain
ƒ{ No one man or woman can reach his full potential without another giving his life up for that person
ƒ{ Perfect love cast out fear; love and understanding will begin to pry off the past
ƒ{ Not knowledge and answers
Ephesians 2:1-4
CONCLUSION
„X $20...value
„X Storms will come
„X Jesus walks on what we're afraid of
„X He's got it under his feet
„X With some faith you can get out of the boat also!
„X Pray for pasts
„X Pray for each other
