Being with God
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
December 27, 2009
Remember dating when you were a teenager? Yes, let's talk about that horrifically awful time. All the awkwardness, the constant self-analysis, always asking yourself if you're doing okay, saying the right thing, not eating too much (girls), not being too insensitive, but not being too emotional (guys), not moving too fast or too slow, playing it just the right amount of cool, wearing the right clothes, leaving a good impression. Girls, you end up thinking, "Is he going to call me again?" Guys, you think, "Does she want me to call her?" I mean, there you are at the LEAST confident time of your life, your tender identity just beginning to blossom on the vine, and you have to put yourself out there, take big risks, be totally out there exposed and vulnerable. That is a painful time, isn't it?
Fast forward to the last time you took a long trip with your significant other. Was there a lot of self-analysis? Were you self-conscious? Were you constantly watching what you said and did, monitoring every single behavior, worried about whether or not you should grab his/her hand, worried about what outfit you had on that day? Now I realize established relationships could often benefit from more attention to these basic things, but let's face it -- one of the things we love about an established, healthy relationship is that we don't have to live in constant insecurity and monitor our every word, thought, and action. There is a comfort. Heck, I'll bet on that last long trip, you even had very, very long periods of complete silence, didn't you? (Some of you WISH you did!)
Can you imagine doing that on a date as a teenager? Heck no! You feel this need to fill up every moment with talk -- and not only talk, but fantastic, hilarious, warm-hearted, deep, sympathetic, compassionate, brilliant, amusing, engaging, and highly intelligent talk, if at all possible. It has to be there, and it has to be good! But what happens when you get to know somebody and most of the stories have been told? What happens when you can no longer be all of those amazing things, because someone knows you deeper than that? What happens when someone has seen you explode in anger because you lost your car keys, or throw a fit because the house was messy, or act toward your kids in ways they know you are ashamed of? What happens when there is nowhere to hide anymore and someone is with you all the time and knows and sees all?
If somebody would have been able to clearly explain to you when you were a teenager that that time would one day come -- c'mon, admit it, you'd have probably thrown up on the spot! I mean, as tense and nervous as you were then, the idea of sitting with someone in silence, the idea of being known that way -- that would have COMPLETELY freaked you out.
When you are dating, or when you are first married, you see old couples walking down the street holding hands and not saying a word. And you think, "I wonder what's wrong with them." You assume there's something wrong with their relationship. But as you get older, you start to understand that what's really happening is something far deeper, far more significant than what you could ever have previously realized. You begin to understand that they have moved away from talk and activity as the foundation for their relationship (Why won't you talk to me? What are we going to DO tonight?), and they have established a foundation that is far more joyful, comfortable, and fulfilling, based on simple presence. Unpretentious, comfortable, peaceful, presence.
I was counseling a woman one time who angrily explained to me, "My husband called me out of the kitchen to come into the living room last week, and I dropped what I was doing and went in there, and when I got there he didn't say a word to me. He just kept on watching the game." She's thinking, "What a pig - he'd prefer football over me. He knows I don't like football." But he's thinking, "This is the life. A moment ago I only had football, but now I have her AND football. Things are perfect now." But rather than sitting with him, just being in his presence (and letting him be in hers), she wanted to sit and talk. And somehow the time together didn't count to her unless they were talking. Talking is fine, and talking is really important, but talking is only valuable when it conveys presence.
I like women. I have always gotten along well with women. I enjoy women because they are usually very good conversationalists, and they are usually pretty aware of how they're feeling about something and good at expressing it. (No insult there, fellas). So what I'm about to say, I say as a pretty big fan of women in general, and in light of the many strengths women have when it comes to relationships. But I think sometimes men tend to understand more about how important this facet of simple presence is in relationships. Women definitely value presence, but often for them presence is established by talking. Men, on the other hand, tend to be less verbal (less interested in talking), and enjoy companionship -- being with, without always having to talk to. Men want simple presence from their wives as much as women want conversation from their husbands. Women, do you know your husband probably wants to just sit in your presence - for you to BE WITH him? It almost sounds royal, until you realize how boring it can be for you.
Ever had someone talk not to you but at you? When someone talks at you, you get the feeling that you could duck out and the person might not even notice. Or that you could replace yourself with a cardboard cutout and the talker would be just as happy. I was in a dentist office last week and on other end of the waiting room there was a man who began talking to a woman. He clearly did not know her, but he just began making small talk. He sat there and talked AT this woman for fifteen minutes. She struggled to get into the "conversation," but there was no conversation. He'd just say, "Uh, huh" and then off he'd go. No questions about her. No interest in her as a person. I was glad I was not sitting on her end of the room, or else I'd have been a target as well. I felt so bad for her I even kept thinking of ways to help her graciously get out of this, but I couldn't think of anything. This was not conversation, it was verbal masturbation. If masturbation is sex with no partner, then verbal masturbation is talking with no partner.
Though there was another person present, this man's talking was not relational. He was going it alone! His talk had nothing whatsoever to do with the presence or the person of that woman. In the exact same way that some men see women as just a set of boobs, or a butt, this woman was simply a set of ears, and any old set would have done just as well. This kind of talking is actually a kind of self-indulgence that leaves the talker feeling gratified and the listener feeling used up and spent. I think a great deal of talking in our world today is like that.
Talking is best, healthiest, when it conveys presence. "I am with you. I care for you. I am glad to share my life with you. I am interested in you as a person - in your personality, your interests, your hobbies, in your BEING. In your presence." Then, as we talk, we make ourselves present both as we speak and as we listen. That is the kind of speech that builds up, that loves, that values presence and relationship.
Now talking is best when it conveys presence because presence itself is meaningful. And if presence can be had without talking, then that's wonderful. This is what those old couples have learned. I can be present to you without having to talk. Of course I CAN talk, but I don't have to. Not at all. Sometimes it is enough for me just to be with you - sit next to you with the game on - sit across from you at the restaurant and eat and not talk.
In most healthy, long-lasting marriages, long periods of silence can and often do mean the relationship has gone beyond words, straight to simple presence, true companionship, soul-on-soul connection. This both requires and is a sign of great comfort, and great intimacy. Most of us will not achieve this ability to simply be present to someone until we are very old. It's a lifetime achievement!
Presence is profoundly spiritual.
John 1:1 (TNIV)
1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
John 1:1 (TM)
1 The Word was first, the Word present to God, God present to the Word. The Word was God...
Presence is a very deep, very profound thing. Jesus and God were with one another, present to one another, in the beginning. See, you can be with someone without being present to them, but you cannot be present to someone without being with them. I think in our flawed ways of relating to each other, we spend a lot of time with each other but not really present to each other. Sometimes we do that by constantly feeling a need to talk. Other times people are trying to talk to us, and we don't listen -- we are not present to them. We are thinking our own thoughts, or about what we want to say when they're done, or reading, or watching television.
Don't we do that with God? When you really think about it, on many levels don't we often relate to God as if this relationship between us and God is a relationship between teenagers, and not between grown adults and the God of Universe? Don't we normally approach God in prayer and feel a constant need to just talk all the time? And when we realize we don't need to talk all the time, don't we quiet down only because we're waiting for GOD to say something? (Give that look like, "I'm listening.") Are we open to the idea that maybe we can sit in the presence of God, and not talk, and not expect God to talk either? Isn't that what happens in intimate adult relationships sometimes? Don't we often busy ourselves with religious activities instead of just being with God? I think of the woman who constantly declares she wants her husband to spend more time with her, but comes home every night and works around the house like a wild woman while her husband says, "Come here - come sit with me." She may ignore him, or she may even actually get angry with him! She is home with him, but she is not present to him. Or the man who busies himself in the garage while his wife longs to just be with him. He is home with her, but not present to her. Instead of being with and being present to, we settle for random activity in and around the general vicinity of. We do it with each other, and we do it with God. Instead of being with God and actually present to him, we often settle for various forms of activity in and around the general vicinity of him. Ministry activities. Devotional activities. Prayer activities. Church activities. And just like the woman who says, "I'll come be with you AFTER I do this and this and this" and the work is never done; like the man who says, "I'll come be with you AFTER I do this and this and that," and the work is never done, we say to God, "I must attend to all of these things." And just like a woman may find that even if she pulls herself physically away from her tasks, and be physically present to her husband, she might still be emotionally and mentally invested in all she still has to do. And of course men do this as well. I finally wrench myself away from that video game, and I'm physically present with my wife, or with my kids, but I can't stop thinking about how to kill the Berserker at the end of level 3. How about those moments where husband and wife make an extraordinary sexual connection, and it's amazing, and they're laying there afterwards doing the pillow talk thing, and suddenly one of them makes some completely random comment about taking out the garbage, or such and such with the kids, or something that shows that "hey that was great, thanks" but they've already kind of checked that off their list and moved on. Everybody's done it!! And that conveys, "The moment is over and though I am laying next to you, I am no longer present to you."
It is not easy to be present to someone. Presence is difficult. It requires sustained attention and focus, and we live in a world that does not reward such things. It's easier to run around than to be present -- to clean, to cook, to mow the lawn, to attend to this task or that. And when we finally put the task down, we find that we can still not be present to our beloved -- we can still be wrapped up mentally and emotionally in other things. But in the beginning was the Word - Jesus. Jesus was PRESENT TO God, and God was PRESENT TO, Jesus. They fully attend to one another always. They live in the present moment with each other. They do not get distracted by their tasks (and they have a few). They do not disconnect for long periods of time and then have to try to make their way back to one another. They do not manipulate one another for purposes of meeting their own needs, but rather each is fully present, completely WITH, the other.
No wonder the Trinity is described as a perfect relationship. Where there is presence, there is contentment and peace and fulfillment. Men, your wives need you to talk to them because to women talking is one of the main ways of conveying presence. Your words have a subtext , they carry the unspoken message, "I am with you. I am present to you. I am here for you." Women, your husbands need you to not always talk and just to practice simple presence. Your silence says more than you probably can understand.
Ever been to a funeral and come to that moment where it's time to greet the grieving family members? In that moment you have a choice between saying something stupid, or keeping words to a minimum. Oftentimes a hug, a quiet, "I'm so sorry for your loss," then a gentle pat on the back, or squeeze of the hand, says what words can never express. What can we say?
Those of you with kids, remember when they were born? Which of you made the speech about it? My guess is there were no speeches -- just tears and a lot of quietness. Truly, what can we say?
When do we have those moments with God? When do we come before God and sit in silence? I'm not talking about verbal prayers. I'm not talking about sitting there listening, hoping and expecting that God will say something. I'm talking about silence. Silence, after all, doesn't mean there's nothing to say -- it just means that sometimes in the presence of the one you love, nothing needs to be said. And those moments where nothing needs to be said are not the shallowest moments, they are the deepest moments.
Psalm 46:10 (NASB95)
10 “Cease striving and know that I am God..."
In other words, just stop. Be still. Stop all the efforts you are making, even the efforts to know God. After all, without any of those efforts, you are already as deeply known and loved by God as you will ever be. You do not need to fill your times with God with conversation, though certainly sometimes it's okay to chat. But just like we often use conversation with people to avoid actual presence, we do the same with God. Cease striving. And when you cease striving, you will come to know all those things you seek to learn by all your efforts. You make efforts to memorize scripture and read the Bible and attend church and go to small groups -- all in order to know God. But come away from it from time to time -- put it down, let it go, cease striving and you will know. It's not that these are bad things, it's that they can never bring us to the knowledge of God that can be found only in silence -- only when we cease striving.
Luke 10:38–42 (TNIV)
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Jesus is sitting right there in Martha's home. God in the flesh, reclining right in her living room. And she can't stop worrying about whether the meat is cooked and the table is set and the cookies are finished. All these things she wants to do for Jesus, while her lazy sister just hangs out with Jesus. She ceases striving. She is present to him. And Jesus says, "This is what is better."
This week we begin a new year. And I want us to go into 2010 with thoughts of all we're not going to do for God this year. Don't get me wrong, doing for God is great. I'm sure eventually Jesus really enjoyed and appreciated that meal Martha worked so hard to prepare. But first things first. Presence. Genuinely being with. Ceasing from striving. Being instead of doing.
We're going to spend the next few weeks talking about just being in the presence of God, focusing on how we are right in the center of this immense, complete, unconditional love. We're not going to qualify it with religious, "As long as" phrases either - we're going to assume that the love of God is truly as it is portrayed in scripture and in Christ's interactions with people -- that is, open to every person, endless, without condition, and available to all. I think the depth of God's love has been so overlooked by the church that calls itself by Jesus' name that when you start to really look at "how wide and long and high and deep" is the love of Christ, it's almost going to seem unChristian. I know that sounds hard to believe, but I really think that's how it will strike you. And why shouldn't it? The love of God was the message Jesus delivered, and most religious people thought it was sacrilegious in their time - why would we not think it now?
So we'll go there over the next few weeks, but what better way to prepare for immersion in the love of God than to simply focus on being with God, and being present to him this week? I'm not going to give you any directions. Nearly all of you know the difference between simply being with someone and actually being present to them. I just want to encourage you to have some time where you do not use words, where you are just quietly present to God. Within that loose guideline, let the Spirit lead. Remember, if you want more ideas on what to do, that is my job, and you may feel free to contact me!
