Freedom From Lust, prt. 2
Freedom From... prt. 6
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
October 2, 2009
Last week we talked about lust and I chose to concentrate on physical lust and emotional lust. I pointed out that when lust is simply defined as intense sexual desire, it is perfectly fine and that in fact we need more of that in marriages. (The perfect newspaper headline - evangelical preacher calls for more lust.) But the kind of lust we are concerned about is lust that comes to dominate us and control us, that increasingly dumps us into a world of fantasy, eventually leaving us willing to cash in all that we want to be in exchange for this thing we just want to feel. I carefully spent time pointing out the kind of lust women feel. We all know what we're talking about when we talk about male lust (although I am convinced most women don't have any idea how powerful this is in most men), but we have to give equal time to the ladies. Lust approaches you in a different way, but it's lust all the same.
Last week I did all I intended to do, which was define the term, make sure both men and women were listening, and then describe how lust takes hold of us and can render us willing to make choices that can ultimately destroy our own lives, as well as the lives of a lot of innocent people who might get caught in the crossfire. See, before I can talk about finding freedom from something, I have to make the case that we need to get free from it. Last week's message is preached, and I hope I made that case to you in a way you could hear and understand. So now I want to talk to you about finding freedom from lust.
1 Corinthians 6:12 (NIV)
12 "Everything is permissible for me"--but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"--but I will not be mastered by anything.
The problem with lust (or any other kind of desire) is that it is not self-limiting. There is no place where desire ever says, "Enough is enough." With physical lust, a man might lust, and masturbate, and that is the end. Until tomorrow, or the next day. With gluttony, I might binge all night long until I can't eat another bite. At least not until a few hours from now. With greed, I will never get enough money. With selfishness, the time to put others first will never come. With a desire for approval, no amount of approval will ever fix my insecurity -- it's never enough. Desire is not self-limiting. That is why desire must be regulated by something higher -- something that is able to take our desires and subordinate them and keep them in line. As I wrote in my blog recently, we live in a time where most people are saying, "Do whatever you want to do as long as it's not illegal and no one gets hurt." So rather than subordinate our desires to something higher, many would rather just indulge them until the police come, or right up to that point. Many have given up on the idea that they even SHOULD restrain themselves at some point well before that.
But to be a follower of Jesus is to set out to order our lives in the same way he ordered his. To be his follower is to live in a such a way that everything else that might compete for your allegiance to Jesus is cast aside. Thus anything that comes to rule you, to master you, to take you over, is inherently evil. Why exactly were early Christians thrown to lions and impaled on sticks? It was not because they worshipped Jesus. It was because they understood that worshipping Jesus necessarily meant NOT worshipping Caesar. The Romans didn't care who you worshipped, as long as Caesar was in there somewhere. But we understand Jesus as King of Kings, and Lord of Lords. To say that as an early Christian was to say, "You insist that I bow the knee to Caesar, but there is someone greater -- someone to whom CAESAR will one day bow the knee -- and it is him alone that that I worship."
So lust must be kept in its place. It must be confined to marriage, where lust CAN be set free, and where it has an appropriate object, and those desires can be satisfied without harm. Wherever lust can threaten to take us over and master us, it must be put in its place. I will not be mastered by anything, except the one who is the Master overall. But there's a problem with getting lust under control. The problem is that a lot of times we don't want to. You can't be free until you want to be free, and a lot of times with lust, we just don't want to be. Now this can be true also with finding freedom from words that kill, and with finding freedom from anger, but because lust is something we feel so deeply and powerfully, and because it immerses us in these fantasies that feel so wonderful, one of the biggest problems in dealing with it is bringing ourselves to truly want to be free from it. If you do not want to be free from lust, but you want to want to, drop me a note. There are ways of getting there. By the way, if you have been saying for years that you want to be free, but as of now you still aren't, this is the place I'd recommend you start. Ask yourself if you truly do want to be free. After all, if you truly did, chances are good you'd be free by now. There's a good chance part of you likes the rush you're getting and doesn't want to give it up.
But what if you DO want it? How do you take hold of that freedom? It helps greatly if you can find a defining event. What is a defining event? It's a time where something happened involving your lust problem that you never want to happen again. Like nearly every guy on planet earth, I've had my share of battles with lust and pornography. Like every guy, my struggle went on for years. Like many, it got to where it was making me miserable. Like many, I started to feel hopeless and like there was no way I was ever going to move beyond this. But then a defining event happened. Like many good Christian wives, Christy had both known about and struggled deeply with this aspect of my life for quite a while. And gradually I came to a place where I decided that who I wanted to be was more important than how I wanted to feel. I mean, I really, deeply, decided that. And I made a decision that I was never going to do this again (remember, I've talked before about actually deciding that we're going to stop doing the things we know we should stop doing). And I did well -- for like a year. Then I had what I always called a "slip up." I followed a link in a piece of spam mail and ended up in a place where I shouldn't have been, and stayed there for too long. Immediately I knew I had done something wrong, violated my standards for myself, and broken a promise to my wife. So I moved on with my life, determined to stick to my guns better the next time. About six weeks later Christy asked me how I was doing. Now I might keep a secret, but if I'm asked something directly, I can't lie. I just can't do it. So I was honest. I said, "Well, about six weeks ago --" and I told her what happened. Ladies and gentlemen, that was my defining event. I don't want to go into detail about what happened at that point, but I will say that it became clearer to me than it ever had before how deeply this hurt my wife, how angry she was, how disappointed in me she felt, and how close she was getting to feeling like she couldn't stand these feelings of betrayal any longer. (Guys, that's how women usually experience your thing for pornography -- as betrayal. They feel like you're cheating on them.) Things were rough for a while, I'll tell you that. Then, like always, things got better. A few weeks later my mind turned again to this thing that seemed to never let me go and I considered it again. But something else intervened. Memories began flooding my mind of Christy's anger and pain from the last time. I remembered her words, and her tears, and the look of disappointment on her face, and what it felt like to have to tell her I had screwed up again. And at that moment the temptation began to fade for me. At that moment I said out loud to myself, "Never again. Never again will you make a decision to do something that hurts her like that . Never again will she feel that way because of your selfishness and irresponsibility and impulsiveness. Never again will you minimize something that devastates her. And never again will you have to look in the mirror at someone being mastered by his own desires." And so far, never has meant never. And you know what, even the temptation seems to have very little power nowadays. I think back to the hold this had on me once upon a time and it seems like I was a different person. And you know what? I was. Because now I am free. Free to be the person I want to be. Free to be the husband Christy deserves and the father of character that my girls deserve. One day my girls will have husbands, and I don't want those young men to make lame excuses about this, or tell my little girls that this is just part of what it means to live with a man, or make them feel like this is a burden they should have to carry. I don't want my girls to have to compete with some nameless faceless girl in a magazine or on the Internet. I will expect those young men to suck it up and take responsibility for themselves and honor my girls with the honor I have taught them to expect.
During the struggle of those days I went to a counselor to talk about it and you know what he said to me? He said, "If we could just somehow explain to women that this really is no big deal - it's just something men do - the world would be a better place." And I thought, "This is not what I came here for. The world won't be a better place if I can get people to start excusing my shameful behavior, it will be a better place when I start acting with honor." By the way, if you go to a counselor with that kind of struggle and the counselor tells you something like that, time to find a new counselor. Don't spend time baring your soul to people who aren't going to help you be the person you want and need to be.
Folks, that's what I mean by a defining event. Christy's hurt and anger and disappointment that day became a defining event for me. That's where I realized no pleasure of any kind is worth making her feel that way, and I'm never going to be that guy again. So guys, find a defining event. And women involved with guys struggling with lust, give them a defining event. Let them see how it affects you. Stop demeaning yourselves by saying it's just something you'll have to tolerate. Honor yourselves by insisting that he cuts it out. Express your pain, your rage, your feelings of betrayal, your frustration, your resentment. But be prepared. If and when he does cut it out, you'd better be there for him. All that desire that was once dispersed and directed toward people in magazines and videos and on the Internet -- that's all coming down on you. Are you ready? Men, are you man enough to act with honor? Women, are you woman enough to be the only object of desire in a man's life? Unfortunately some of you here this morning may have never known what that feels like because your husband's attention is divided between you and the flavor of the month. Guys, make her the only object of desire in your life. Find a defining event. Remember how you felt last time you did this and decide whether it's worth it. Ladies, create defining events for your men. They want to please you, and if you make it clear how unpleased you are, they'll remember it.
Women, what do you do to stop lusting in the ways you lust? Two words. Stop criticizing. You are indulging fantasies about other men because you are disappointed in your husband, and that usually comes out in your attitude and words. You think your man is big and strong and beyond the reach of your sharp words, but nothing wounds him more. Nothing hurts him more deeply than knowing how disappointed you are in him. He has no greater desire than to please you and your critical words put up barriers between you and him that he cannot get past. He doesn't forget them, saying, "Oh, she was just in a bad mood." He remembers them clearly. You think he's not listening so you turn up the volume, and the intensity, and make little comments that destroy him as a man, then you can't figure out why he prefers women in magazines and on the Internet. Guys, your wife knows you're dragging out the laptop when she's gone at night, and then you can't figure out why she struggles to respect you. Husbands, wives, we are wounding each other in ways we do not even realize. Our lustful fantasies and the way we entertain them are custom-made to shoot darts into our partners in the places where they are most vulnerable -- for a woman it's that area of beauty and whether she's desirable to her man, and for men it's whether he is appreciated and respected by his woman. Women, vow to stop speaking critically of your husband to him and to everyone else today, and to speak only supportive words that encourage him and build him up, and within days you'll see him walking differently, carrying himself differently, and you'll hear him beginning to talk to you differently. Women, do you know why he married you? Because once upon a time, he was your hero, and that's what every man wants to be. Guys, do you know why she married you? Because she was the sole beauty in your life, and that's what every woman wants. Men have no idea that their indulgence in pornography kills their wives. And women have no idea how their critical spirits and words emasculate their husbands and deflate their spirits. So guys, find that defining event that can motivate you and jump start you and keep you on track. Women, help create that defining event by being honest about how his lust for other women affects you. Women, decide to go on a permanent fast from critical words and attitudes.
What else helps us root lust out of our lives? Well, of course meditation, which can detach us from these fantasies that float around in our minds and work their way into our emotions. Don't forget meditation.
Of course prayer, both individually and with others. Memorizing scripture. But again, as long as you have not had a defining moment and there hasn't really been any heart change, these tools will only be sporadically effective. Your heart has to change and something has to produce that change.
The next point is for both women and men. It is to deal with intimacy issues in the marriage, both emotional and sexual. Women often think men are just about sex, but men actually deeply desire connection with women -- it's just that for a man, the avenue to connection is often through sex. Men often think women are just about affection and are averse to sex, but women usually will find sex deeply pleasurable when the avenue to sex is through affection. Years ago I was working through some sexual issues with a couple and a young wife said, "Maybe you could come up behind me sometimes and start kissing my neck and whispering in my ear." Her husband said, "I would, but I'm afraid you'd think I was just doing it to get sex." She said, "Oh I promise you, if you did that once in a while, you be surprised how often you WOULD get sex."
It's time we stop thinking that the way to deal with sin is to go to church more or read the Bible more. We were created to be whole human beings. Lust is an issue of sex and fantasy, so we deal with lust by dealing honestly with the sexual issues and the emotional issues that are leading to the fantasy. I don't care how many memorized Bible verses you throw over this, you won't squelch your lust with them. And it doesn't matter how many times a day you pray about it. You must bring God into the part of your life that is separating from him. In the case of marriage, you do this by joining more closely to your spouse. You cannot sustain continual movement toward God while moving away from your closest relationships, or vice versa. Sometimes Christy and I will have a bad weekend and get into an argument on Saturday evening or Sunday morning and on those Sundays it's all I can do to get up here and speak to you, or to stand up front with my guitar. Barriers between spouses create barriers between us and God.
John 14:6 (NIV)
6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
We can't deal with lust if we don't tell ourselves the truth. Often prayer and memorizing scripture and going to church are ways we hope that God will just reach down and intervene and fix what's broken, without our having to face the truth about our lust and fantasy. Behind every person struggling with lust and fantasy, there's a person, and probably a relationship, that has problems with intimacy and connection. Do you really think problems with intimacy and connection don't show themselves in every relationship in our lives? Of course!
Finally, I want to suggest a spiritual exercise that can have great effect in helping us break free of lust. Jan Johnson calls it popcorn prayer. Guys, you're at the health club and see a woman walk by with a fantastic body. Instead of the leering look, you pray for her. "God, she's beautiful. You did a great job! I pray that her husband or father would delight in her today and that you would spare her from the pain of people who want to objectify her and use her because of how she looks." You cannot pray for a person and lust after them at the same time. Prayer will help you see through God's eyes. Women, you see a guy that is totally dreamy at the mall tomorrow, and he smiles and says hi and sends you to the moon. Instead of flirting and seeking more attention (which, let's face it, you ALL have the power to do), you pray for him. "God, you did good with him. I pray that today he will go home and embrace his wife and make her feel as safe and secure as I know I want to feel." You can use your mind to enter into lustful fantasy and use and objectify people, or you can use your mind to bring people into the presence of God. If you do the first you will find yourself increasingly drawn into the spiral of lustful fantasy because that's the only direction that goes. If you do the second, you will find yourself increasingly seeing people (even the hot, dreamy ones) as people made in the image of God and in need of prayer and love, because that's the only direction that goes.
So there are some ways of rooting lust out of your life. Let's review. First, be honest about whether you want to. Next, guys, find a defining event and decide you're done. (Women, help create one if necessary). Women, stop with the critical words. Meditation. Prayer. Scripture memorization. Deal with the sexual and emotional intimacy issues in the relationship. Popcorn prayer.
In the next message in this series we'll take on fear. You were not made to live in fear and there is a way out of it if you are stuck there . I've had some pretty recent experience here, and I think I have some things to share that can be helpful.
