Freedom From Anger, 2
Freedom From... prt. 2
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
September 4, 2009
Matthew 16:24-25 (NIV)
24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.
25 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
What does it mean to deny ourselves? If you were here last week, you heard me teach that there are two you's - you, and the you that is sick of you and has had enough. If you missed that teaching, I hope you'll go back and get that message off the website, because it is critical not only for our talk about anger, but for everything else we'll be covering in this series. To deny ourselves is to get rid of (shake off -- put to death) that part of us that endlessly seeks our own satisfaction. Think of this endless seeking not only in terms of sinful things like greed and lust and envy, but also in terms of the other white noise our mind generates. Worry about a conversation that went wrong yesterday. Over-concern about how we are coming across. Self-consciousness. Concerns for tomorrow. All of those things come from the desire of the self to take care of the self and secure its best good. When the self undertakes to secure the best good of the self, then we have launched out into independence from God.
Jesus said whoever wants to save his life will lose it. A life spent securing ourselves, going after what we think is ours, harming those who harm us, speaking and thinking badly of those who speak and think badly of us, seeking prestige and reputation -- when we seek these things (these are the things we think will "save" our lives) we will find life constantly slipping through our fingers, always eluding us, never matching up to our standards for it, always resulting in anger and frustration and hurt and disappointment that it's not turning out in accordance with our best efforts. Or, worse yet, we might find that it DOES turn out in accordance with our best efforts and have to deal with the big fat so-what-now that comes when we have gotten everything we thought we ever wanted. This part of us is called the ego. The ego consists not only of our sense of how valuable we are, but technically the ego is our whole set of ideas about ourselves and how can get what we want, as well as our ideas and impressions of what, and who, might stand in our way. Anytime you have made efforts to do something, that came from your ego - it was your idea of how you could get something done that you wanted to get done. Think again about the two you's - you, and the you that is sick of you. Well, the you I'm talking about is your ego, and your ego is constantly striving to get what you want, and avoid what you do not want. The you that is sick of you - that's your spirit. That's the part of you that is tired of the ceaseless striving to be happy, tired of insecurity and self-doubt, tired of the constant emotional ups and downs that the ego and all of its pursuits bring to us. And when spirit you starts crying out for peace, what happens? Ego you comes up with a plan. You're going to start thinking more positively. You're going to surround yourself with more positive people. You're going to read a self-help book. You're going to just start being less negative. That all sounds good, but they are the plans of ego you to help spirit you, and they will result in more of the fruits of ego that are already killing spirit you. Disappointment, falling short, frustration, guilt, the high highs and the low lows, being stuck in the past through regret, being stuck in the future through fear. That's the cycle we're locked into.
Ego us going around trying to make things right, spirit us crying out for relief, and then ego us coming up with a plan and pursuing it, ending always in more of what spirit us is already sick of.
1 John 2:16-17 (MSG)
16 Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him.
17 The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out...
The more we seek to save our lives, the more we will lose our lives, because this desire to save our lives is a desire to keep ego firmly intact -- to keep ego (the self) on the throne of our lives. It is all part of a system that endlessly wants and wants and wants and wants. This desire itself is corrupt. Even our good desires for ourselves and others come out of this basically corrupt place that is ego-driven and all about getting and then keeping what's mine.
But Jesus said that if we are willing to lose our lives - to give ego us the heave-ho when it comes to controlling our lives and minds and emotions -- if we're willing to do that then God can begin to really get in. God's Spirit joins forces with your own spirit and your spirit starts to look more like his.
Romans 8:16 (NKJV)
16 The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God,
And when that happens, what will happen in your life? You'll gradually (and sometimes more quickly than you might think) see an end to fear, to lust, to pride, to regret, to worry, to envy -- why? Because those things are not in the spirit of God. And when God gets in, fear and worry and anger and lust and jealousy -- things like that simply get crowded out. And when these things - which are forces of death and corruption - get crowded out, what is left? Divine life. Eternal life. Life of the kind that by nature is infinite both in quantity and in quality! As a fellow meditator recently said to me, "That is what happens when you experience the kingdom: life away from the ego."
For anyone who might think I've just been spewing New Age gobbledy-gook the past two weeks, I would simply ask, "If what I am saying is not true, then what does it mean to die to self?" Self simply IS ego. That is what the self IS. It is everything we identify with who we are and how we feel and what we want in life. So it is the self that must go. How can we die to self if we just allow ego us to formulate one more plan for becoming spiritual? The last thing spirit you needs is for ego you to tell you how you can be free. Ego you knows nothing about that.
John 3:6 (NIV)
6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.
When the Bible speaks about flesh, it doesn't just mean "skin," it means "self," or "ego." All of those things that come to us from the kingdom of this world and not from God. If you think more traditionally and using the word "flesh" works better for you, then by all means use it. But I'm using ego, flesh, and self interchangeably here - they all mean exactly the same thing.
So there is the choice. Our choice is between spirit and flesh -- spirit and ego -- spirit and self. Same thing. In the last third of last week's sermon, I taught you about Christian meditation, which will bypass ego you, or the self, and bring us into the eternal kingdom of God by stilling the raging voices of our constantly restless minds. It will allow us to know God in a place beyond ego, beyond our own desires and cravings and plans and purposes, which we are constantly imposing onto everything. God can then come to live not only in our conscious minds, but also our unconscious minds!
Now I finished last week by telling you that this week we'd look at some other things we can do to address anger. I want to cover some other things for two reasons. First is that I realize many if not most people are not going to immediately begin meditating. That is unfortunate, because meditation (silent prayer) is the only ax that will strike directly at the root of the tree of anger. But since many will not do it, or will struggle in learning to do it, or perhaps still aren't sure HOW to do it, I think more is needed here than just saying, "Meditate," and that's the end of it. Second, I give want to give you some other things to do because less evil is always better than more evil so if I can say anything to help people reduce their anger even a little, I think God is pleased.
Let's move into other strategies for dealing with anger, but let us be careful not to call them "practical" strategies. Doing this will lend naturally to a sense that meditation is an impractical thing to do when, in fact, it is the MOST PRACTICAL thing to do. All who seek to one day truly live free of anger should begin meditating immediately. If you do, the seeds I'm about to plant will have fertile soil in which to take root and grow. If you do not, then these seeds can hopefully at least grow enough to make a difference in your life -- to lessen the evil effects of anger and irritability and bad temper in the lives of those around you.
Ecclesiastes 7:9 (MSG)
9 Don't be quick to fly off the handle. Anger boomerangs. You can spot a fool by the lumps on his head.
I think the first thing that needs to happen if we are to control anger in our lives (other than meditation!) is that we must see anger clearly. We need to recover a sense of shame surrounding anger. Does that sound strange? My friends, we should be ashamed of things that are shameful. That is an appropriate reaction. How would we feel if we went to a dinner party and ate all of the food, leaving none for other guests? Embarrassed and ashamed. Why? Because we demonstrated a lack of self-control in front of all those people, and we did something stupid. How would we feel if we realized that in a two hour conversation we had barely taken a breath and had talked without stopping the entire time? Ashamed. Why? Because we demonstrated lack of self-control and used that other person to gratify our own desire to talk, and now we probably look stupid or selfish. How would we feel if we let go of control of our sexual control and had sex with a stranger in a public restroom? Hopefully we would feel the shame and embarrassment that would be completely appropriate for that kind of behavior, because we know we did something stupid. Shame and embarrassment are appropriate responses for when we release our grip on self-control and choose to simply indulge our feelings. But we're so psychologized today that this often does not apply to anger. Many will blow their stacks and then say they were "venting." Many will "go off" verbally on other people in ways that there simply is no excuse for, and expect the other person simply to forget about it - "after all, I was upset at the time." The problem is not in being upset, the problem is that often when we are upset we act in shameful ways where embarrassment would be an appropriate response, but we often feel little shame and are not embarrassed. So I think controlling our anger begins with stepping back and taking a look at it. Imagine someone following you around at home with a video camera for a week and then playing the movie back for you without sound. What would you see in your face, in your body language, in your posture, in your eyes? Would you say, man, I look stupid! I look like a total idiot. I just treated my wife the way I would never want my son-in-law to treat my little girl. I just treated my husband the way I'd never want my daughter-in-law to treat my little boy. I just allowed my anger to bring me to a place where I treated my child without dignity as a person. Look how ridiculous I look - my eyes are bugging out, I'm charging all over the room like a bull in heat -- I just totally abandoned my sense of class in that moment. We need to be aware of temper and anger as self-control issues and allow ourselves to experience the shame and embarrassment that is appropriate when we indulge ourselves. As long as we keep believing there is a good excuse for our anger (that someone else provoked us or is to blame), we will not feel the shame and embarrassment that can lead us to desire a change in our lives.
Second, we must decide to stop being angry. I have shared with you before how I had the disheartening realization a while ago that even though I had apologized to my wife hundreds of times for losing my temper with her, I had never decided to losing it. I had simply never decided to stop. If you're struggling with anger, you will never begin to overcome it until you decide to set it aside. I think an appropriate way to do this is to combine these first two points into a conversation. Here's a sample conversation with a spouse. "Honey, I have been thinking a lot about my anger lately and I have decided to stop making excuses for it. Will you forgive me? I know I scare you and the kids when I get upset. I know I get upset over things that often seem ridiculous. And I know I always find a way to blame you or them, but anger is MY problem, my responsibility, and my issue to fix. I have decided I'm not going to talk to you that way anymore. Even when we argue I'm going to learn to keep my cool, to speak with more respect, and to not act in ways that are childish or shameful. I know I'm not perfect and I'll probably still say stupid things sometimes, or act stupid, but I'm not going to make excuses for it anymore."
Men, are you man enough to have that conversation? Or if your spouse isn't a "sit down and talk it out" kind of person, are you man enough just to start doing the right thing and let your actions speak for themselves? Women, are you classy enough to stop defending your anger and blaming it all on your husband and kids? Will you have that conversation, or at least just start living it out in front of those you have wounded with your anger?
Third, take a breath.
Proverbs 29:11 (HCSB)
11 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man holds it in check.
I know this is ancient, but it works. Those stuck in anger respond almost without thinking. They assume others mean to attack them and criticize them. They don't consider other motives for the behavior of people, or that they have any alternatives other than blowing up. I suggest counting to ten before you say something in anger but don't just count and wait it out until you can explode. When you are counting, ask yourself the question, "Is this the person I want to be?" Or ask, "Will this lead to productive conversation, or just more ridiculous bickering." Or, "Is there some way I can make my point more gently?" Or, "Would I explode if this were my mom and not my wife?" Or, "Would I scream the way I want to if my kids were standing here?" Or, "Where is God right now?" Or, "Why am I riding out to battle over this?" Or, "If I say this, am I going to feel like I should apologize for it later?" Or, simply, "What's your goal? To hurt someone you love, or to communicate with them?" Or, "Is this about proving you are right, or about learning to be patient and loving?" Or ask, "This excuse I'm about to make for blowing up, would I accept that excuse from my spouse for blowing up at me?"
Truthfully, with the speed of thought, you could probably ask yourself all of those questions in ten seconds. But instead we often indulge. We let it fly. We say what the heck, I'll just do it - I'll just talk for two hours straight without letting the other person speak. I'll just have sex with a stranger in that public restroom. I'll just go for it - I'll just eat all the food at this party. So we do it. We explode, vomiting negative crap all over whoever happens to be around. Then too often we say, "Well, thank you very much. I feel so much better now. I'm sure you understand, I was just venting. Nothing personal, you just happened to be around." Which of course would be like saying, "I'm sure you understand - I really just needed to have sex and a willing partner and a bathroom were both available." Or "I know I ate the food but everyone gets hungry, right?" Or "I know I never let her speak, but I was excited, I had a lot to say." In each case, not acceptable, right? Neither is anger poured out on others. So if we'll take ten seconds and just think this through for a moment, perhaps we might decide to go another direction.
Fourth is get some help. If you chronically hurt other people with your anger (even one other person), something is wrong with you, and you need some help. And you know if I'm talking to you, because you probably want to tear my head off right now. :-) Seriously, anger has so many devastating effects both on those who are getting angry and on those who are exposed to it, that angry people need some help. And help is available. You don't have to live like that. And if you are affecting others with your anger, you have no right to. Please get help.
Fifth, begin praying about your anger every day, acknowledging how it separates you from God, confessing your angry willfulness, and asking God for opportunities to be tested. If you are doing this, then when you are in a situation where you begin to feel angry, you will correctly understand it as an opportunity to learn how to control your anger.
Sixth, meditate twice a day for twenty minutes. Just kidding! Then again, you know I'm not! Because I've just given you this list of things to do and the beauty of meditation is that meditation is actually something to NOT do. Meditation is about pulling away from ego. When we meditate we stop striving, and trying, and thinking it over, and turning it around and looking at every angle, and all of that. Remember, all of that stuff is partly what spirit you (a.k.a. "you") is getting sick of. So these kinds of things we're talking about work best when you're setting aside ego you at the same time with meditation. But again, if you won't do that, for whatever reason, I hope you'll do the other things anyway, because less anger is better than more anger.
Closely connected to the topic of anger is the power of words. Third in our series on freedom, and coming up next week, will be freedom from empty and harmful words. We'll look at times when we use empty words to manipulate other people, and times when we use harmful words to wound them.
