Family Matters: Honoring God in our Relationships
Ephesians 5:21-33
Intro: In Ephesians 5:8&10 Paul says, “Live as children of light” and “Find out what pleases the Lord.” Well, one thing that pleases the Lord is when His people love one another and honor one another. People who belong to the family of God (those who have committed their lives to Jesus), are expressing their love for Jesus by the way they express their love to His Bride, the Church. So today we want to look at these verses and watch Paul work his way through some family matters. These family matters start with our relationship with Christ and branch out to our whole church family, our spouse, our parents, and our children.
-God created the family as a way to show His love and care. The family unit is God’s idea. The way a Christian family lives is a reflection of the God who lives in them. Family matters are about showing the love and grace of God to those closest to us. The apostle John asked, “How can you say you love God whom you have not seen, if you do not love your brother (your family member) whom you have seen? So today we want to find out what pleases the Lord as we love Jesus, as we love one another, and as we love our spouse – if we are married. If you’re not married, please don’t tune out today. The more the church knows how to please the Lord in all our relationships, the better we will be able to help one another (and others) grow closer to God.
I. In relation to Christ
•Reverence – v.21 gives reverence for Christ as the reason for mutual submission. The word for reverence here is the same basic word as the word for respect in v.33. Psalms and Proverbs uses a similar phrase, “The fear of the Lord.” That does not mean that we live in fear or terror of the Lord’s judgement. Rather, we show respect, reverence, and honor to the Lord because He is such a great God - unfathomably powerful and incredibly large! Just think of one thing that He made – the Sun. Scientists say that there is so much power in the sun that it is the equivalent of millions of nuclear bombs going off all at once. Don’t you think the One who made that deserves a little respect? He could destroy us in one breath, but instead He loves us and takes good care of us.
•Submission – Jesus is the Head of the church. He is the leader. If you just look at the word “submission”, you can identify 2 main parts: sub= under, mission= a job or assignment. When we are in submission to Christ, we are under His leadership, joyfully doing whatever He asks us to do. V.24 says the Church submits to Christ. If you are a Christ follower, you are part of His Church, and you are in submission to Him. This element of submission expresses itself in loving obedience to the One who loved us and gave Himself for us.
•Gratefulness as Receivers – He (as Savior) gave Himself for the Church. We are on the receiving end. Christ has done all that needed to be done for us. We have only to receive it and allow Him to change us from the inside out.
•A Pure Bride – The reason Paul gives for Christ’s sacrifice is to make His church clean, blameless, and holy. We aren’t clean because of what we have or haven’t done. We are clean because of what Christ has done. Blameless – what a word! We aren’t blameless from arriving at perfection. We are blameless because Jesus took our blame on Himself and paid for it in full!
-So, the first family matter has to do with our relationship with Jesus: showing reverence to Him, submission (or loving obedience) to Him, receiving His work in us, and living a holy life that pleases Him, not ourselves. Now let’s look at our relations with one another.
II. In relation to one another
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
-What does it mean to submit to one another? It can mean to become subject to, to obey. Is everyone supposed to obey everyone? That could become quite chaotic, don’t you think?
-The key here is that we are all under the leadership and Lordship of Jesus. So we are back to Eph. 5:10 – Find out what pleases the Lord. As we seek to do that, we are going to have different ideas about how to best do that. We may have different thoughts about when things should happen, how resources should be used, and so on. So Paul is saying that as people of God, they need to be willing to give in to one another, not demanding their own way. Maybe the best explanation is found in Paul’s next letter – Philippians.
Philippians 2:1-8 If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death-- even death on a cross!
-Jesus lived out servanthood and humility as an example for us to follow. He fully submitted Himself to what His Father wanted. Submitting to one another means that we don’t have to be demanding, holding more tightly to our rights and privileges than to unity and love.
-Perhaps part of Paul’s message here is this: Don’t give Christ a bad name by demanding your own way. Show Him a little respect and be willing to give in to other members of God’s family. God uses all of us in various ways, and the sooner we learn to appreciate the way He has gifted others, the sooner we’ll be able to honor Him by working together and reaching a hurting world with the best news ever!
-One other thought about submitting to one another. Sometimes we need to be really straight with one another, but as Paul said, speak the truth in love. When we submit to one another, we submit ourselves to the truth that God speaks through them. Rather than feeling like nobody can tell us anything we don’t already know, we need to be humble enough to receive a word of correction. In fact, we should welcome it, being thankful for the opportunity to grow. If we fight against it and take offense, we are not submitting to one another, nor are we submitting to Christ.
-Next, I’ve invited Robin to come and share about what it means for wives to submit to their husbands.
**[THIS PORTION OF THE SERMON PREPARED AND DELIVERED BY ROBIN OPPERMAN]
III. Wives to their husbands
Ephesians 5:22-24
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
In the culture at the time Ephesians was written, husbands were the lords over their wives. Wives were more or less like property, not having an opinion on the way things were to be done. Their purpose was to serve their man. The relationship was more of master/slave, not partners. Paul presented a rather revolutionary idea in that a husband and wife were equals in Christ, submitting to each other. It’s interesting that he didn’t spend much time telling the women how they were supposed to submit to their husbands because the culture of that time had already trained them well in that respect. He just reminded them that when they were wholly committed to serving the Lord, they would submit to their husbands as a natural expression of their commitment to Christ.
Our culture is vastly different now. Because of women’s lib there is a demand for equality between men and women in the workplace, and in the home. Popular sitcoms often show the woman being superior and the man being incompetent. The acceptance of divorce as an answer to tough relationships has skewed the picture of marriage the way God intended it to be. Oftentimes the children become the focus of the family, rather than keeping the husband/wife relationship first. How can we, as women who love and serve God, show submission to our husbands without being accused of being doormats?
The answer is found in this passage in Ephesians 5:22-24. Keeping in mind that both are equal in God’s eyes, marriage is like being on a team. Along with a coach, every team has a captain. That captain calls the plays, puts people in the positions they function best in, and expects everyone to work together. He has the responsibility to know the people on his team well enough to use their abilities and gifts in a way that enhances the team’s ability to win. When the team responds to his leadership and works together, not much can stand in their way. However, when team members all do their own thing there is division, and the team doesn’t do well. Sometimes the captain will put someone else in the dominant position because he knows that will benefit the team more. But the captain always remains the captain, being responsible to lead the team in the best direction.
In marrying our husbands, we made a decision to accept him as the leader (under God) of our relationship. It’s to our benefit to understand the man we have married and learn how to best support him. Marriage involves working together, yet allowing your husband to be the main man. Each person gives to the relationship what is needed to have a winning team. Sometimes you will play a major role in a certain area while he is doing something else equally important. (Example: My working while Mark went to school – PHT, military wives)
So how do we play (live, fulfill) our position on the team?
1. Understand who your husband is
God has gifted each man with a unique style of leadership. Some take charge and lead the way, getting things done in an efficient manner. Some are more visionary, following a dream. Others are steady, sometimes slow to make a decision, but always ready to help others. Be ready to support your husband in whatever way will make him a successful leader in your relationship and home.
2. Let your husband be the head of the home!
No matter what the personality of your husband may be, let him be the leader. Allow him the freedom to make decisions without pressure.
He has the final say on decisions that affect everyone.
Respect his decisions – no grumbling! You are a team!
Most major decisions are made after discussions between husband and wife. Once you have both shared your thoughts, concerns, dreams about the issue, let him have final say. It will most likely reflect a combination of both of your opinions. Sometimes decisions are impulsive, let the consequences be what they are. Don’t berate him for what you might consider a foolish decision. They will figure it out after a while without your help.
3. Respect and honor your husband
Ephesians 5:33 states “…and the wife must respect her husband.”
Why is respect so important to a man?
Kerry Clarensau states in her book “Secrets” that “men so closely connect respect to love that they will actually feel despised when we are disrespectful to them.”
She also says,”…my ability to show respect to my husband will contribute in a significant way to his happiness and well-being. He has difficulty feeling loved without my respect.”
Gary Smalley states, “One of a man’s deepest needs is admiration. When my wife, Norma, is admiring me, I’ll do anything for her.”
Mark says, “a man might look like a pit bull on the outside, but show him a little admiration, and on the inside he will be like the puppy whose tail wags furiously at the slightest amount of attention.”
The dictionary defines respect: to feel or show honor or esteem for; hold in high regard; courteous expressions of regard
Honor: to respect greatly; regard highly; esteem; to show great respect or high regard for; treat with deference and courtesy
Admiration: the act of admiring; the sense of wonder, delight, and pleased approval inspired by anything fine, skillful, beautiful, etc.
As you can imagine, the opposite of respect, honor, and admiration is disrespect, contempt, and disdain.
In the book “Secrets”, Kerry Clarensau lists some things to ask yourself in deciding if you treat your husband with disrespect or respect
Do I…
1. Contradict or question him in front of others or discuss my questions with him in private
2. Openly criticize him or openly praise him (don’t rub it in when he is wrong)
3. Belittle his efforts to show affection or help out or respond with affection and appreciation
4. Complain or display a positive attitude
5. Constantly remind him of unfinished tasks or take his matters into my hands or give a gentle reminder then trust him to do his tasks
6. Act as his conscience or pray for the HS to work in him
7. Compare him negatively with others or express genuine admiration
8. Respond with rudeness or sarcasm or show respect with tone, facial expressions, and body language
9. Withhold information or act honestly
10. Ignore his needs and desires or make his needs and desires my priority
Keep in mind that we expect our husbands to love us even on our bad days. Ephesians 5:25,33 state that he is called to treat us in a loving matter. “Likewise, we are called to respect our husband even if we feel his behavior doesn’t deserve it.” (Kerry Clarensau)
To wrap up the importance of our submission to our husbands, consider the following:
The Life Application Study Bible states “God ordained submission in certain relationships to prevent chaos. It is essential to understand that submission is not surrender, withdrawal, or apathy. It does not mean inferiority, because God created all people in his image and because all have equal value. Submission is mutual commitment and cooperation.”
Our submission to our husbands does not happen because we are weaker. It is because we are strong enough to understand that a team needs a leader, and God has called our husband to be that person.
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.
Ephesians 5:22-24 - The Message
[MARK OPPERMAN WRAPS UP THE SERMON]
IV. Husbands to their wives
1. A husband is to lead (23)
2. A husband is to protect (23)
3. A husband is to love (25)
4. A husband is to sacrifice (25-27)
5. A husband is to take care of his wife’s needs (28-30)
Tender vs. rough
Considerate vs. Careless
Nourishes vs. Stifling growth
Helps grow vs. control & dominate
Cherish vs. treat harshly (Col. 3:19)
-Husbands, your wife is a member of Christ’s body, which He takes good care of. Are you taking good care of Christ’s body? You both are members together of Christ’s body. Take good care of each other, just as Christ does.
6. A husband is to be committed to and united to his wife (31-33)
Conclusion: As we wrap this up, we’ve talked about some family matters today and hopefully we all realize that family matters. Family is all about relationships- with Christ, with His body (God’s family), and with our immediate family, specifically our spouse. How’s it going? How’s your family life? Are you honoring the head of the family – Jesus? Do you know Jesus as your forgiver and Leader? Are you submitting to and cooperating with the members of God’s family in your life? Husbands, are you loving your wives, helping them grow and cherishing them? Wives, are you showing respect and support to your husbands? Husbands and wives, are you submitting to each other out of reverence and respect for Christ?
