Understanding God’s Love Language
I Corinthians 13:1-3
INTRODUCTION
Over three decades ago, Dr. Gary Chapman authored a marriage enrichment book that has become a classic in the field. It has helped millions of married couples draw closer to one another by giving them the tools they need to express their love for one another in the “love language” their spouse best understands. The name of the book is, The Five Love Languages, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. According to Dr. Chapman, there are five basic love languages we speak as human beings. These love languages are:
§ Words of Affirmation
§ Quality Time
§ Gifts
§ Acts of Service
§ Physical Touch
But even though every person speaks all five of these love languages, we all have our favorite one. We all have a preference for one of these love languages over the others. What Dr. Chapman discovered in his marriage and family counseling practice is for the words “I love you” to be believable by our spouse, those words need to be supported by actions that demonstrate our love for our spouse in the way they desire that love to be expressed and affirmed.
Let’s consider some examples to help us better understand Dr. Chapman’s thesis for his book, The Five Love Languages. If a woman’s primary love language is receiving gifts, she would feel very loved if her husband showed up on Friday after work with an unexpected gift of flowers. But she would probably feel rather unloved if, on Valentine’s Day, her husband forgot to get her a gift. For some women, there is nothing more romantic than receiving a gift of flowers; jewelry or perfume from their husband. But other women, like my spouse, tend to see such gifts as a waste of money. Another woman’s love language may be “quality time”. This could be expressed by a “dinner and a movie” date night that her husband initiates or by going shopping with her without complaint. For many women, the best way for their husband to affirm his love would be practical “acts of service” like helping out around the house by volunteering to vacuum the house, do the dishes after dinner or unload the dishwasher without being asked.
A man whose love language is “words of affirmation” may feel loved best when he receives an unexpected note in a card expressing how much his wife appreciates him. If a man’s love language is “quality time”, his wife might make his day by watching his favorite TV show with him, going to the baseball with him or allowing him some guiltless time away from the family to play golf or go fishing.
It is important that we understand the love language of our spouse and try as best we can to express our love in that way so our love will be understood and felt by our spouse. But speaking our spouse’s love language is not going to come naturally to most of us because most husbands and wives have different love language preferences. If we are only willing to express our love for our spouse in the way that coincides with our love language preference, we may find it more comfortable for us. But such actions, regardless of how well intended, will throw cold water on our love’s passion because it indicates a greater interest in OUR comfort level than in the needs of our spouse. But when we are willing to make the effort to express our love in ways that show a sensitivity to the desires of our spouse, that has the same effect as throwing another log on our passion to make it a roaring fire!
Dr. Chapman has also discovered husbands and wives are not the only ones with a love language preference. It is also important for us to understand our children’s love language so we relate to them in ways that best communicate our love to them. These same principles can be applied to friendship relationships as well.
But what about God? Does God have any love language preferences? I believe He does. And like our spouses, God desires our love for Him to be expressed, not only through our participation in worship, but also in ways that He deems significant and appropriate. Growing in our love for the Lord can only happen when we understand God’s preferred love languages and make certain we express our love for Him in those ways instead of in ways that are easier or more comfortable for us.
I do not suppose it should surprise us to find God’s love language preferences expressed in the one chapter in the New Testament that is totally dedicated to the topic of God’s Agape love; I Corinthians 13. Let’s look at that passage of Scripture together:
** Read I Cor 13:1-13 **
This passage of Scripture is a favorite of many because of the beautiful way it describes love. It is a passage of Scripture in nearly every wedding I officiate. But in the first three verses of Paul’s famous “Love chapter”, we find God’s love language references described for us. As we come to understand God’s preferred love language and begin to express our love for Him in the ways He prescribes I believe we will find a greater sense of satisfaction in the Christian life. Our love for the Lord will deepen. And I believe our understanding of His will for our life will become more clear.
TRANS: The first truth we can learn about God’s love languages from the first verse in this famous chapter is that God has a far greater concern for:
I. Our ATTITUDES than our ABILITIES (v1)
EXP: Look again at v1 of our text (reread). In this verse, the Apostle Paul describes a very smart person. The individual Paul describes is very skilled in the area of language. This person knows how to speak in many languages. He even knows how to speak the language of angels. What a valuable ability for a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ to possess! A believer with such linguistic skills could witness to anyone on the planet. Surely that would please God. But I do not God would be as impressed as we may think, even though mastering multiple foreign languages would be an impressive achievement.
ILL: I do not know how many of you have ever tried to learn a foreign language but I guarantee you there are not many harder things to master, as far as I am concerned. In my years of schooling I studied German in High School for a number of years. In seminary I attempted to learn New Testament Greek and Hebrew. I was not very successful in either case. In fact, I believe the only “Ds” I received in High School or Seminary were in these foreign language courses. It takes a great deal of effort to learn another vocabulary and another grammar and system of writing that is totally different from your own.
§ First of all, before you can learn a foreign language you have to know your own! Most of us probably do not know the difference between an indirect object and a definite article. Before we can learn the grammar of another language we have to learn the grammar of our own language.
§ Then there is the vocabulary of a new language. With English, our vocabulary grew quite naturally as we matured and learned how to pronounce different words. But there is only one way to learn the vocabulary of a second language as an adult; and that is by rote memory. How else will you know that potato in German is “Kartophlen” or that “eklessia” is the Greek word most often translated in the NT as “church”? There is no other way.
I have a great deal of respect for anyone who has the discipline and tenacity to master another language. It is a tremendous ability and certainly one that would be very valuable to anyone who wishes to be a witness for the Lord in our increasingly diverse society.
EXP: But that is OK because, according to v1 of our text, how important is knowing other languages for us to be useful to the Lord? It may be vitally important, especially in a missionary setting, to be able to communicate in another language. But it will never be as important to the Lord as our willingness to express and relate to others controlled and empowered by God’s agape love! Without God’s sacrificial agape love in control of our heart, all the ability we have in the area of language would be as helpful in communicating the gospel message as a clanging cymbal or a noisy gong.
APP: God’s love language is more concerned with the attitude of our heart than any ability we might have no matter how impressive or important the ability. It may be a well worn cliché but it is still true; “God is much more concerned with our “availability” than He is with our ability.” If we are going to respond to the Lord based on His language of love we are going to need to be more concerned with the condition of our heart than perfecting whatever physical talents and abilities we may posses.
ILL: God can certainly use an individual in a great way who is gifted in music and has a special ability to sing or play a musical instrument. The Lord certainly has much need for individuals whose command of the language can motivate others to do great things for God and improve their understanding of what God’s Word teaches. But God cannot use the greatest musician or the most polished expositor whose heart is not right with Him.
APP: In South Texas, the Hispanic population is so large that unless a pastor has some command of Spanish he is probably going to limit the effectiveness of his ministry. But a pastor with a great heart and broken Spanish will ALWAYS be more successful in reaching Hispanics for Christ than a pastor who can speak Spanish fluently but has no real concern for the needs of the hurting Hispanic people.
ILL: God’s Word confirms this love language preference in the God’s selection of David to replace Saul as king. From the way the Bible describes them, Saul was a much more physically impressive individual than David. Saul looked like a king. He was tall, strong and handsome. David, however, did not have the same kind of royal appearance. David was so common physically that none of his brothers even thought of him as a potential candidate for king when the prophet Samuel came to visit the house of David’s father, Jesse, in search for God’s next king. But who looked the part was not ultimately what mattered the most because it was David and NOT Saul or any of David’s brothers who God’s Word describes as “a man after God’s own heart”.
APP: God’s love language will always count our attitude towards the Lord as more important than our ability to do things in the world. If we want to grow in our relation to the Lord we had better pay attention to the condition of our heart because that is how God gauges our love for Him!
TRANS: V2 gives us a second and equally important insight concerning God’s love language. In v2 we discover that the Lord is much more concerned with:
II. Our COMPASSION than our COMPREHENSION
EXP: In v2 Paul contrasts the eternal value of intellectual knowledge and faith with God’s Agape love (reread v2). Obviously, to “know all mysteries” and to have “all knowledge” would make an individual very useful to the kingdom of God. God is always in need of individuals who can make spiritual truth plain. We all need to increase in our understanding of the Bible. Bible knowledge enhances our ability to comprehend what the Lord is saying to us through His Word. Understanding the historical setting of a passage of Scripture can make what might otherwise seem like an insignificant incident come alive with spiritual truth. Also, when we lack knowledge we can sometimes misinterpret Scripture and come to some very wrong conclusions about God’s Will for our lives. That is how certain people justify blowing up buildings and killing innocent people thinking they are doing something that pleases God. Their comprehension of God’s Word becomes flawed because the compassion God’s love puts in our heart for others does not control their hearts.
ILL: When we take the time to consider the lives of the people God has used in a great way in the history of the church it is amazing how varied their doctrinal positions were on a number of important theological issues. Charles Spurgeon and John Wesley were both used by the Lord in a great way to bring literally thousands into the kingdom of God and inspire thousands more to live for the Lord. But these two men were miles apart theologically. Wesley emphasized the importance of the personal relationship and feeling our passion for the Lord emotionally. Spurgeon, on the other hand, played down the emotional aspects of faith and placed a greater emphasis on understanding and affirming the right doctrines. How could God use two men who agreed on so little theologically? Both Spurgeon and Wesley could be used by the Lord in great ways because they both possessed a compassion for others that gave them a burden for others to know Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord. Because both men had the proper compassion they could both be used by the Lord in a great way even though they had a much different comprehension of even some of the basic tenants of the Christian faith.
APP: Apparently what we consider orthodox beliefs may not be as important to the Lord as it is to us. But what is far more important to the Lord is the compassion we have for one another and especially for those who do not know Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.
EXP: When Jesus healed the man born blind in the Temple, the Scribes and Pharisees would not leave the man alone. They questioned him over and over again trying to find something in what Jesus did to take exception with. Do you remember what the man who had his sight restored finally said to these the most learned men in Israel as they tried in vain to get him to denounce Jesus? This is what he said:
“Whether He is a sinner, I do not know; one thing I do know, that whereas I was blind, now I see.”
Yes, doctrine is important. What we believe obviously does make a difference. But, from a pragmatic perspective, if our hearts are not filled with compassion for those who do not know Christ as Savior, does what we believe really matter that much? Reciting Scripture verses or remembering the proper order of the kings of Israel may demonstrate a real comprehension of the contents of the Bible. But if we cannot demonstrate a compassion for the real needs of real people what do we really posses that will impact eternity? Without God’s Agape love giving us compassion and concern for the spiritual needs of others how much we comprehend about the Bible is almost irrelevant.
TRANS: A final characteristic of God’s love language can be found in the third verse of I Cor 13. In this verse we discover a very important truth about God’s love language. God places a far greater value on:
III. Our OBEDIENCE than our SACRIFICE
EXP: In v3 of I Cor 13 Paul spares no detail in describing a person willing to make a special sacrifice for the Lord (reread). This person is literally willing to give their all. They are willing to give all their possessions; something the rich young ruler was unwilling to do. They are willing even to give their very life for the cause of Christ. Certainly The Lord would be impressed by these acts of loyalty! But v3 says otherwise. V3 says if these sacrifices are made without being motivated by God’s love, there is absolutely no eternal value that can be attributed to these sacrifices. The way we show God that we love Him is not what we are willing to give up in His name that the world would think significant. The way we show God that we love Him is by being obedient to say, do and be what He tells us to say, do and be. Obedience, not sacrifice, is what is God’s primary love language.
ILL: Some men make a similar mistake in their relationship with their families. Some men sacrifice their time and energies on the job working long hours and lots of overtime in order to provide every material creature comfort possible for their families. If you were to ask these men why they were doing this they would say, “Because I love my family”. But if you would ask the wife and kids how his sacrifice makes them feel chances are they would not say “loved” but rather “neglected”. The family’s language of love is not spelled S-T-U-F-F like this driven Dad thought it was. Instead, how family members spell love in their language is T-I-M-E.
APP: Sadly, I believe the same could be said of many of us by the Lord from a spiritual perspective. We would rather sacrifice what we want than simply obey God. So many believers try in vain to substitute sacrifice for obedience with the Lord. God impresses us to spend more time with Him in prayer and personal study so we respond by taking on additional responsibilities at church. The Lord calls us to a particular ministry we are uncomfortable with so we respond by sacrificially giving more money above and beyond our tithe hoping that will please God. But such actions cannot ever be pleasing to God because what we are really trying to do is not please God but rather appease God. Do you think God is pleased by such so-called sacrifices? In a word, NO! God will never be appeased by our attempts to substitute sacrifice for humble obedience.
ILL: Do you remember how the prophet Samuel confronted young king Saul over this very matter? The Lord had told Saul to totally annihilate the Amalek and all their possessions because of the way they had previously mistreated Israel. Saul was to be God’s instrument of total judgment against these wicked people. But in I Samuel 15:13 the prophet Samuel had to confront Saul for thinking he could substitute sacrifice for obedience. When Samuel went to check up on Saul to make sure he had done what the Lord asked, Saul claimed he was being perfectly obedient. But then Samuel had to ask, because he really was nobody’s fool: “Saul, if you did exactly what the Lord said and wiped out everything, why am I hearing the bleeting of sheet and the lowing of oxen?” In v15 Saul tries to cover his disobedient tracks by assuring Samuel the reason for his disversion from the command of God was to be able to offer God a great sacrifice. But Samuel responds to Saul’s claim with these familiar words:
“Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams”.
God’s love language is obedience NOT sacrifice.
APP: God is not impressed with our sacrifices unless they are in response to His command on our lives. We cannot give God more of what we want to give for less of what He desires to receive and expect God to be pleased. When we try and substitute sacrifice for obedience we are not demonstrating our true love for the Lord. Instead, we are actually demonstrating our disdain for the Lord because we are not being obedient.
CONCLUSION
If we want to show God we truly love Him we will have to be willing to do more than simply say “Lord, I love you.” We will also have to commit ourselves to speak God’s love language. God’s love language pays more attention to heart matters like attitude, compassion and obedience than external factors such as our abilities, our comprehension of spiritual truth and our willingness to make a significant and showy sacrifice.
Are you speaking God’s love language or are you trying to say “I love you” to the Lord in some way that is foreign to God’s nature? God only understands “I love you” when we express it in His love language. Now that we understand what God’s love language really is, let’s make a commitment today to tell Him “I love you” in faithful actions that say what words never will. To obey is better than sacrifice. Are YOU willing to heed God’s call to obey?
PRAYER
INVITATION
The invitation today is a call to obedience. If there is any area of your life where you know you are being disobedient, why not show the Lord just how much you love Him by making a commitment to be obedient to Him in this area today?
God’s love language is not a language that is foreign to us if we know the Lord. God’s Holy Spirit who dwells within every believer can help us to speak God’s love language more fluently. If you need to speak God’s love language more fluently, you come as we begin to sing our invitation hymn together.
