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Know Thyself
Psalm 55:1-5, 16-17
October 25, 2009
This week and next week we are going to look at several emotional health competencies. These are qualities that emotionally healthy people cultivate and display. These give us plenty of things to work because none of us have all of these down. These are things to work on and grow in.
The primary quality that provides the basic foundation for an emotionally healthy spirituality is emotional awareness.
Emotional Awareness
There are several basic competencies that then (practical characteristics) that comprise emotional awareness. The idea is that each of us need to know who we are and what is going on inside of us. If we don’t know this, then none of the other qualities an emotionally healthy spirituality matter. We therefore really need to “Know Thyself.”
Our biblical example and model comes from King David. King David is called a man after God’s own heart. Therefore David must have been in touch with his own heart and soul. Although later, he strayed we do find examples of his writings that show us that he really was in touch with what he was feeling. He was emotionally aware. Psalm 55 is one such example.
A mother went shopping for groceries and when she returned her husband asked how she paid for it all. “Plastic,” she replied.
Then she heard her six-year-old tell her baby brother, “Mom’s been recycling again.”
Psalm 55 was read earlier. Did you notice how in touch David was? What are some of the emotions that David describes and shares?
“I am distraught.” His enemies are angry at him. His heart is in anguish. He is afraid even horrified. But he is comforted by his relationship with God. He is in distress.
What are some other emotions that you can imagine that might go along with what he stated? This is a basic component of another emotionally healthy quality called empathy. It is the ability to understand and feel alongside of what someone else is feeling. If you are not emotionally aware yourself, then you won’t be able to determine what others are feeling. And that brings us to the first and most basic competency:
• Know what emotions you are feeling and why.
There are really two parts here. Knowing what you are feeling and the reason why you are feeling these things.
As far as knowing what you are feeling, this lies in being able to identify and name the emotions. For example, in the realm of anger there are several different variations including frustration, which is not quite as intense as anger, to rage to bitterness to hatred.
I have made up a list of emotions and there definitions. This is not totally comprehensive but it will help you identify what it is you are feeling. What are you feeling right now? Bored. Afraid. Intriqued. Excited. Most likely some of these and more.
This brings us to the why. The reasons why we feel certain things takes a lifetime of work and reflection. Why are you angry? Because he or she did such and such. That may have precipitated your anger but usually there are other deeply seated reasons why you are angry—often these have some kind of basis in fear.
Have you ever heard someone say, “He made me so angry!” Then another responds by saying, “No one makes you angry, you choose to be angry.” Well it really is a little bit of both. However, we choose how we respond.
I strongly urge you to explore the reasons why you respond and feel the way you do at various times. Many times these reasons have deep roots into our childhood. This brings us to the next idea that is closely related to this first one
• Realize how your emotions direct what you think, say, and do.
This is something that if you are serious about becoming emotionally healthy will do the rest of your life. It is a journey realizing why you are feeling what you’re feeling.
I’m angry and I know why because this person said that I was didn’t do my job right. But why are you angry? Why not another emotion? Maybe you are angry to cover the deeper guilt because they were right. Why weren’t sad that someone thought that about you? There are a multitude of possible emotions for any given situation. The key is to ask “why?” And keep asking why until you are satisfied.
I’ve found sometimes the true depths of why I have felt the way that I do sometimes doesn’t become apparent until much later. I thought I knew why but God reveals another perspective or I experience a similar situation in a different way or I experience similar emotion reactions in a completely different context.
When I was a summer chaplain I visited a person in the ICU hooked up to the machines and such and suddenly I was overwhelmed with grief that I also had a strong panic attack. Although the patient looked nothing like my grandfather, I was just suddenly stuck with the picture of him right before he died. It was like I was back in that hospital room in 1992.
Through the group process and a counselor, I realized that I had some unresolved grief issues that I had carried for a half decade. But as I dug deeper and pealed back the onion, I realized that I also carried some guilt for leaving to go to work on the day that he died even though I had no idea how long he might hang on.
Then even as I wrote this sermon, I suddenly connected that this may have been an additional reason why I am so thankful that I was able to spend the night in prayer at my grandmother’s side as she passed.
Awareness of your emotions and why you feel them is crucial for understanding how our emotions impact our thoughts and actions.
Awareness of (the relationship) process helps a person get beyond blaming others or blaming some external force and, as consequence, he becomes less angry. – Michael Kerr.
• Accurately assess your strengths and weaknesses.
Accurate self-assessment is essential. And this is something that one learns to do over time with (and this is huge—are you listening) one or more persons. It could be a pastor, a mentor, a peer, a priest, a friend, and even a small group. We absolutely have to have others during this process especially when learning about ourselves.
Through this process we develop a daily awareness of ourselves including our strengths, weaknesses (which are sometimes the same), our inner resources, our abilities, and probably most importantly OUR LIMITS. What did I just day was most important? OUR LIMITS. Write that down. Who do we need to accurately assess ourselves? Someone else.
Regular assessment is important because our limits regular vacillate. They change according to what is on our plate and our overall well-being. They depend on the season.
There are times in our lives in which we endure an intense amount of stress. These seasons cannot last long or we literally will breakdown. A psychotic break is the minds attempt at surviving enormous stress.
And we need someone to bounce ideas off. We need someone to be accountable. Good mentors help us identify blind spots. Just like in a car, we all have blind spots and unless someone else is telling what they see from the passengers spot, eventually we will get blind-sided by our own flaws and defects.
The Psalmist knew what he was feeling and engaged those feelings and the circumstances. He didn’t hide, deny, cover-up. We might accuse him of being over-dramatic but then we don’t know the depths of the real situation. If we are to know ourselves we need to:
• Be reflective.
Mort Meyerson became the CEO of Perot Systems, a computer services company. Within six months, he realized that compared to other companies he had known as CEO, everything was different at this one. It wasn’t just the technology, market, and customers, but also the people and worked at the company and the reasons that they worked there.
In a revealing and introspective article he wrote, “Everything I thought I knew about leadership was wrong. My first job as a leader was to create a new understanding of myself.”
Meyerson went through a time of “intense self-examination,” wrestling with leadership style that he had always been recognized and prided himself as being more than adequate. In his former company, he pushed people hard. Eighty-hour work weeks were expected and the norm. On an especially crucial project, a snowstorm hit but every member of the team made it in except for one: Max Hopper. Meyerson called him up, bawled him out and he left at the first opportunity designing elsewhere the SABRE computerized reservation system that revolutionized the airline industry.
Meyerson reflected on how he had failed to see things from other people’s perspectives. In his reflections, he saw how he too quickly made harsh judgments. He realized that what he had always counted as strengths were really weaknesses.
Emotionally healthy spirituality takes time out to contemplate God and mediate on God’s goodness. This healthy spirituality intentionally reflects on one’s life, on one’s interactions, on one’s emotions. There are many different ways to do this. I recommend daily reflection at the end of your day as well as taking time-out throughout your day. Think through your day and process your emotions, your reactions, your activities, and your words. Is there anyone who deserves an apology? If you reflect during your day, you can promptly make that amend.
When I first began this journey I structured my reflections, prayers, and meditations as follows. I thought about my day and asked God what I needed to do. I was especially careful to consider when I might let my emotions get the best of me and picture myself as I wanted to be. If needed, I included others to help process. While I often took time in the day to reflect, I also made sure I ended my day. Initially, journaling was extremely helpful as I fully in prayer sought to examine my day.
At the end of the week, I set aside to look at my week and try to see a bigger picture. Were there patterns good or bad that I repeated? I also took a half day at the end of the month to reflect, pray and meditate on the past month and what implications these reflections had for the next month or even next few days. I also made sure that I shared these reflections with someone else that I trusted and I knew truly loved me.
Lastly, I made it a point to take a retreat annually to process the year and think about the next year. At first these were 2 and 3 days long. For quite a while, I used the Labor Day holiday and then the end of summer as my marker.
Over the years I have developed a constant pattern of reflection with regular mediation and I no longer feel the personal need to journal. However, more recently I have been “writing” my thoughts out in article fashion to help process. Sometimes like the psalmist, I even write lyrics to songs. I also maintain a support network that I utilize in different ways.
This sermon is about knowing yourself. I have tried to provide several tools so that you may either start or perhaps just help your journey continue. And although I have spent recently many hours in prayer and meditation sometimes agonizing over situations in our fellowship, as I reflected on this material, I definitely sense God prompting me to take at least a small retreat that is long overdue.
What is it that God is prompting you to do as a result of hearing Him today?
