It’s been said that in the FIRST YEAR of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. But in the SECOND YEAR, the woman speaks and the man listens. Then in the THIRD YEAR, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen. Others say that marriage is like undertaking a LEGO project without instructions. More positively, marriage is described as the UNION of two forgivers. Or a successful marriage requires FALLING IN LOVE many times, always with the same person.
This morning we come to the RELATIONSHIP between a husband and wife. Paul says in Col 3:18 and 19, ‘Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them’. There are a few reasons why these verses might TROUBLE us. You may have LOST a husband or a wife through death or divorce. What about spouses with UNBELIEVING partners? Do these verses say anything to SINGLE people? And there are Christian marriages which the world has DISRUPTED and there is a need to RETURN to the biblical pattern.
We should understand that verses 18 and 19 are NOT ONLY for husbands and wives, but for the congregation IRRESPECTIVE of marital status. For these verses consolidate the principles ALREADY explained in Colossians 3. Here is a PRACTICAL EXAMPLE of what it means to ‘set your minds on things above’. Relationships in the home, especially between HUSBAND and wife, illustrates the principle laid out in verse 17, ‘And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him’ (Col 3:17).
The apostle gives us a further reason why verses 18 and 19 are for all of us. The relationship between a husband and a wife introduce us to the DOCTRINE of the church and the relationship of the CHURCH to Christ. For example, in Eph 5:23 Paul says, ‘For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church’.
If you DON’T OBJECT to Christ as the head of the church, then there can be NO OBJECTION to the husband as the head of the wife. And Paul says to husbands, ‘love your wives, just as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her’ (Eph 5:25). If you DON’T OBJECT to Christ loving you and giving himself up for you, then husbands CANNOT object to loving their wives in the SAME way.
So whilst in the letter to the COLOSSIANS the relationship between wives and husbands is an outworking of MINDS set on heavenly realities, in the letter to the EPHESIANS it is a glorious stepping stone to a magnificent DOCTRINE about Christ and his church. Indeed, only when we understand the relationship between Christ and his Church can we fully UNDERSTAND the nature of Christian marriage.
So don’t be tempted to push Col 3:18 and 19 aside and say it has NOTHING to do with me. But you will need HELP thinking through this passage and you should NOT assume that you can do that on your own. When you became a Christian, this raised NEW problems which you may never have confronted before. When you became a Christian you started seeing situations DIFFERENTLY. Whereas before you may have blindly acted, now you are COMPELLED to think about a situation in light of the lordship of Jesus.
A good example is the WIFE who becomes a Christian while her husband remains UNCONVERTED. In the ancient world the danger was for the wife to MISINTERPRET her new life in such a way as to UPSET the marriage relationship. It can be a problem for us too. Martyn LLOYD-JONES says, ‘The result is that we have to think very carefully to discover exactly what is right in this new life, and how we are to apply this new teaching to the new situation in which we find ourselves’ (DM Lloyd-Jones, Life in the Spirit, 88). And so as we consider verses 18 and 19, you will need to consider very CAREFULLY how this section applies to you.
Do not be foolish and think that the GOSPEL only applies to my religious life but it has NOTHING to do with my MARRIAGE or my work or my parents. The Lord Jesus has every RIGHT to speak about life in the kitchen. He has every right to speak into our MARRIAGES and how we raise our children and the way we behave at the SHOPPING CENTRE and in the workplace. ‘And whatever you do (and this means wherever you are), do it in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him’ (Col 3:17).
Please also notice that the apostle does NOT discuss the matter of husbands and wives as though it were an ISOLATED question. He DOESN’T rush mindlessly into the topic. Rather Paul considers the GENERAL PRINCIPLES which bring us to a point of MEANINGFUL discussion about families. The apostle starts his letter with God the Father who vested his IMAGE in his only Son. This SON ‘is before all things and in him all things hold together’ (Col 1:17). The SON reigns supreme by virtue of creation and his resurrection. This is the same CHRIST through whom God is reconciling to himself all things.
And then the apostle SLOTTED US into this cosmic framework. Once we were ALIENATED from God, once we were ENEMIES in our minds as we floundered in the KINGDOM of darkness. And then a great RESCUE mission took place. We were given the GIFT of faith in Jesus, and we ARE reconciled to God, and now we are HOLY and acceptable in his sight. And just as we STARTED the Christian life by faith in Jesus, we are to CONTINUE to the Christian life by trusting in Jesus. The central EXHORTATION lies in Col 2:6–7, ‘So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness’.
How we CONTINUE to live with ‘Jesus as Lord’ is the subject of chapter 3 which is a word to us all.
SPURGEON says that the chapter 3 begins in heaven and it ends up in the kitchen. We began in HEAVEN with the command to ‘set your minds on things above’ (Col 3:2). For we have DIED, we have been RAISED with Christ and our life is hidden with him. So ‘get your mind into heaven’, the APOSTLE says. ‘Lift your eyes and LOOK where you are headed’. UNDERSTAND who you are in Christ. JIM PACKER reminds us—put these words on your fridge door, ‘I am a child of God. God is my Father; heaven is my home; every day is one day nearer’.
After talking about the EXALTED Christian life in verses 1 to 4, the apostle moves on to talk about the PRACTICAL Christian life. In verses 5 to 14 we saw that our spiritual UNION with Christ must show itself in our PERSONAL lives. These verses are about who YOU are in Christ and what YOU should be doing because YOU have been raised with Christ. Then in verses 12 to 17, we considered the way we RELATE to one another. We are to BEAR each other’s burdens, we are to be THANKFUL, we are to TEACH and admonish one another. ‘And whatever you do’—verse 17—‘whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him’.
Now at OUR place after meal time, the idea is that all of us END UP in the kitchen. That’s the idea and sometimes it even happens. And while we need RULES to guide us, with three boys I’ve discovered that rules DON’T change underlying attitudes. So SCRATCH out your NIV sub-heading, ‘Rules for Christian Households’. The ‘household code’ is about the RELATIONSHIPS of heaven working themselves out in the HOME. It’s about the grace of God in the KITCHEN, and in the BEDROOM, and in front of the TV and out in the BACKYARD. This section is about our LOVING RULER and letting him shapes our homes. And once we KNOW HIM and do things in his name, then rules do have a role to play.
’WIVES, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. HUSBANDS, love your wives and do not be harsh with them’. We MUSTN’T approach these verses saying, ‘Now, well, this is what I think marriage is all about’. Rather, we SHOULD be asking ourselves, ‘What does the BIBLE say about marriage’? Don’t ask the world. We live in a society with an extremely high DIVORCE rate. And given the state of things, it’s a wonder that there are not many MORE divorces. Don’t ask the world to sketch the shape of a Christian home, for that will end in CONFUSION and despair.
Here are God’s words to us all, ‘Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them’. These verses are COMPLEMENTARY and need to be taken together. And in these verses there is NOTHING heated, NOTHING assertive, there is NO standing for rights, NO anxiety, there are NO demeaning jokes and not too subtle prods. So if you find yourself BEGINNING to take your stand on one side or on the other—then you are already doomed for failure.
There are THREE QUESTIONS which shall guide through verse 18. First, WHY does Paul target ‘submission’? WHY not say something like ‘wives love your husbands’, or ‘wives work together with your husbands’? WHY does Paul use the word ‘submit’? Second, what does the word ‘SUBMISSION’ mean? Are we PRONE to assume its meaning rather than asking what the Bible says? And third, what is the MOTIVATION for wives submitting to their husbands? And as we answer these questions the complementary passages in Eph 5 and 1 Peter 3 should never be far from our thinking.
Of ALL the things that Paul could have said to wives, he CHOSE to say, ‘wives, submit to your husbands as is fitting in the Lord’. In Genesis 3, ADAM AND EVE reject God’s loving rule and there were consequences for their rebellion. Consequences which we feel TODAY. ‘To the woman’, God says in Gen 3:16, ‘I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you’.
The curses remind us that we CANNOT live without God and the only proper response is to RETURN to his loving rule. Part of the curse upon the woman is her natural desire to RULE her husband. In the original design, woman was made from man to be his HELPER and she is twice NAMED by man (Gen 2:23, 3:20) indicating his authority over her. So this curse disrupts the order that God places upon his creation. Her desire is now to dominate her husband, and things are no longer ‘very good’.
Paul mentions ‘submission’ in verse 18 because it is something that MOST Christian wives struggle with. Just as Christian HUSBANDS need reminding about loving their wives and not being harsh, and children about OBEDIENCE to parents, and SLAVES to obey their earthly masters—so wives need to understand and respond to their God-given role which is submitting to their husbands.
So what does it MEAN for a wife to submit to her husband? The Greek word is unassuming and carries the idea of ‘subject’ or ‘subordination’. The verb ‘submit’ is in the PASSIVE VOICE which is highlighted in some translations. For example, the RSV says, ‘wives, be subject to your husbands’. ‘Be subject’ is a verb in the PASSIVE voice. The passive voice carries the sense of SUBJECTING oneself to a person worthy of respect. It has the idea of VOLUNTARILY submitting one self to another person.
Now in a BROADER sense, we are all called upon to submit to one another. It’s a QUALITY of being Christian—SUBMITTING to and SERVING one another. So in Eph 5:21, the demand is for MUTUAL SUBMISSION amongst all believers. ‘Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ’. We are to SUBJECT ourselves to one another—to SERVE one another as Christ has served us. Another instance of the verb ‘submit’ is in Luke 2:51, where Jesus voluntarily SUBMITS to his parents.
Now the wider use of the verb, ‘submit’, ROBS us of the claim that wives are inferior to husbands by virtue their SUBMISSION. For submission is a general Christian virtue. And here in Col 3:18, submission is to be exercised in a SPECIFIC way by wives toward their husbands. In this light, PETER O’BRIEN says that verse 18, ‘is an appeal to free and responsible agents to voluntarily subordinate themselves to their husbands since this is entirely proper within the new fellowship of those who own Christ as Lord’ (O’Brien, Colossians, 233–234).
A WIFE once said, ‘This submission business does not work. I’ve tried it and tried and tried it and it does not work’. But is submission doing EVERYTHING my husband wants? What if he says to do something which is SINFUL? Our wives are not slaves. Instead she was CREATED to be a suitable helper (Gen 2:18–23), a partner who COMPLEMENTS him and supports him. They make decisions TOGETHER. There is an effort to make decisions AGREEABLE to both partners. Selwyn Hughes sums up submission so DELIGHTFULLY well, ‘Submission is a disposition to yield to a husband’s authority and a readiness to support his leadership in everything that does not lead to sin’. And is this not the attitude which Christ has demonstrated for us?
Paul QUALIFIES the call to submit with the words, ‘as is fitting to the Lord’. The wife should accept her role because she belongs to the NEW FELLOWSHIP of those who own Christ as Lord. She submits to her husband, NOT primarily for his sake, NOR for her own sake, but rather she submits to her husband for the LORD’S sake.
And so submission is to be done out of FAITH, not out of fear. Peter says that the Lord did NOT submit to those who insulted Him because he feared them. Instead, he ENTRUSTED Himself to God to do what was right (1 Pet 2:23).
And so the Christian wife can ENTRUST herself to the One who will APPROVE her and REWARD her for doing what is right. One COMMENTATOR says, ‘An internal strength results from her decision to render herself up to God for good in this situation. Indeed her hope is in God, not in her husband, and her trust in God enables her to make good decisions in her relationship to her spouse’ (James R. Slaughter, ‘Submission of Wives (1 Pet 3:1a) in the context of 1 Peter’ BSac 153, page 73).
Now the obligations of the HUSBAND fit together with the responsibilities of the WIFE. We can approach verse 19 in a SIMILAR way to the preceding one. First, WHY does Paul target ‘love’? Second, WHAT does the word ‘love’ mean? So what is Paul saying to husbands in the CONTEXT of his wife’s responsibilities to him? And again, as we answer these questions the complementary passages in Eph 5 and 1 Peter 3 should never be far from our thinking.
Paul says to husbands, ‘love your wives’. Why does he say this? SELWYN HUGHES says that ‘the dominant male NEUROSIS is the fear of being dominated by a woman’. And this fear can LEAD to a sinful OVERCOMPENSATION by husbands. A desire to QUELL the rising tide. A heavy-handed use of authority. And so there is within husbands a PROPENSITY to let our authority run wild. To be harsh, to be inconsiderate and insensitive. Here is the natural FLAW within husbands and the apostle corrects this by saying, ‘husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them’.
Notice the positive which is ‘love’ has a NEGATIVE counterpart which is ‘harshness’. For we are often harshest with those we love the MOST. And so husbands, ‘don’t be bitter, don’t be resentful, don’t be angry, don’t be harsh and don’t be oppressive’. Paul REMINDS husbands about ‘love’ because we easily FORGET what ‘love’ means beyond the BUNCH of flowers and the BOX of chocolates. ‘The dominant FEMALE neurosis is to be treated as an object and not as a person’ (Selwyn Hughes). When we do NOT love our wife and when we treat her HARSHLY, then she feels like an OBJECT to be manipulated rather than a person worthy of our respect.
Someone once wrote:
She was not made from his head to top him,
Nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him,
But out of his side to be equal with him,
Under his arm to be protected,
And near his heart to be loved.
‘Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them’. While the wife is required to keep her EYE on submission in the marriage relationship, the husband needs to keep his EYE on this element of love. Martyn Lloyd-Jones puts the ADVICE to husbands this way, ‘You are the head, you are the leader. You are, as it were, the lord in this relationship […and] though you are “lord” you will never become a tyrant’.
So what does it mean to be a LOVING husband? Paul is not saying that LOVE is simply the absence of harshness. He offers further explanation in Eph 5 and we need to TURN to this passage. Eph 5:25–28. ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her […] and presenting her to himself as a radiant church’. Then in verse 28, husbands ought to love their wives as much as they love themselves. We are to love our wives as we love our own bodies (and that’s an awful lot).
DOES Christ order us about? DOES Christ demand what is unreasonable? DOES he say, ‘Get my slippers! Get my dinner! Clean my shoes!’ The biblical position is NOT what I can get out of you, but what I can GIVE to you. The leadership and love that Christ models is SACRIFICIAL and giving and SELFLESS and generous and thoughtful and constant.
The WORD for ‘love’ that Paul uses in Col 3:19 embraces all these things. This word for ‘love’ is one of the few Greek words that some Christians seem to know, ἀγάπη, and this word takes us to great HEIGHTS. It’s the word that EXPRESSES God’s love for us. ‘For God so loved the world’. Husbands, LOVE your wives like this. Husbands, LOVE like God loves. ‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church’. And HOW did he do this? Christ gave himself for the church to make her HOLY, so that he might PRESENT to God a people without spot or wrinkle. In Colossians and Ephesians, Paul tells us exactly HOW Christ loved the church. Then he says to husbands, ‘Go and do the same. That is your rule, that is your obligation to your wife’.
Husbands, HOW do you look upon your wife? I know some husbands who CANNOT talk about their wives unless they are RUNNING her down. But look at the ATTITUDE of the Lord towards his bride, the church. He loved her in spite of her UNWORTHINESS. He loved her in spite of her DEFICIENCIES. Notice what CHRIST does for the Church. She needs to be WASHED, she needs to be CLEANSED. He saw her in her RAGS, in her vileness, but he LOVED her. This is the height of the doctrine of salvation. God loved us in spite of what was in us. CHRIST loves the church, not because she is glorious and beautiful, but that he might MAKE her such.
Here is the doctrine and see what it has to SAY to husbands. A husband comes up against DEFICIENCIES, difficulties, things he feels he can CRITICISE in his wife, but he is to love her ‘as Christ loved the church’. This is a LOVE that wants to present the church PERFECT and beyond criticism. Christ wants to produce a CHURCH without stain or wrinkle. The dream of every wife is to be WITHOUT wrinkle. The husband is to be PROUD of her beauty, PROUD of her appearance, PROUD of all that pertains to her. The Lord Jesus REJOICES in his relationship with the church, he is HAPPY in it, he glories in it. There is nothing that he will not do for his bride, the church.
The relationship between Christ and the church is the MODEL for husbands and wives. This love is a love that GIVES. This love is NOT always considering what it wants, but what it can give for the BENEFIT of the other. ‘Husbands, love your wives like that, even as Christ loved the church’. Husbands, as you set your MINDS on heavenly things, you will see the WISDOM of loving your wife and not being harsh with her. And her joyful RESPONSE will be her submission ‘as is fitting in the Lord’.
If you are THINKING about marriage—here is some GOOD advice. Is the MAN you are dating a person you can voluntarily submit to in the Lord? Is your GIRLFRIEND a women whom you will love as Christ loves his church? The way Christian COUPLES go out together is very important and they must take into account God’s design for the Christian home.
A loving HUSBAND is a joy for a wife to submit too. A respectful, supportive WIFE is a joy for a husband to love. When a WIFE gives her husband respect she nourishes and affirms him. And when the husband loves his wife, he will PRAISE her and build her up. And this is pleasing to the Lord.
‘Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them’.
