Raising Christlike Children part 2
This is part 2 in a series on Raising Christlike Children.
Last week I touched on the idea that some parents say, “Hold it, Stop the train. I want to get off. My parents weren’t educated, but they just loved us, and we turned out all right. So why make such a big deal of it? Aren’t we making parenting too hard?”
I must confess I have some sympathy for these thoughts. But there are some very real reasons that today’s parents must be far more intentional in the parenting process. In the traditional pattern of the first hundred and fifty years of our country Australia was far more homogenous. An accepted pattern of life was held by the general population. Right was right and wrong was wrong, and most people agreed about what fell into each category. Parents, the school, the church, and the neighbours all agreed on proper behaviour for children, and each reinforced the other. If parents loved their children and provided for their physical needs and “did what came naturally” in parenting their children, the children probably did turn out all right. A part of that family pattern involved parental authority; children were taught to respect their parents and other adults. Since everyone was teaching the child the same principles, it was not difficult for the child to understand and learn to live within that framework.
Today’s sermon is draws heavily from the bible and respected author Gary Chapman’s book the Family You Have Always Wanted.
The two points I want to cover today are
1. Intimacy between husband and wife
2. Families who serve
Jennifer was crying. “I just don’t understand, I used to be so close to Rob. We shared everything. He was so kind and tender and understanding. He wrote me poems and gave me flowers, but now all of that is gone. I just don’t know him anymore. He is not the man I married. We can’t even talk without getting into an argument. We seem so far apart. I know he must be as miserable as I am. I know he is not happy.”
What has happened to the intimacy between Jennifer and Rob? The answer is as old as creation itself. Genesis describes the beginnings of the relationship between the first woman and the first man:
I’m certain that most couples expect to find intimacy in marriage, but it somehow eludes them.
Dr James Dobson
American, Psychologist
Genesis 3: 1 - 24
Most couples only dream of the perfect intimacy of Paradise. We may start married life with a relatively high measure of intimacy, but at some point we replace intimacy with isolation.
We don’t “obtain intimacy” and keep it as a treasure for the rest of our lives. Intimacy is fluid, not static, and it comes from open, honest, ongoing communication. Communication involves two simple elements: talking, in which one is telling the other something of his or her thoughts, feelings, and experiences while the other is listening and seeking to understand what the first person is thinking and feeling. The second in turn reveals his or her own thoughts, feelings, and experiences while the other listens and seeks to understand. The simple process of talking and listening maintains intimacy.
Five Steps to Intimacy
Number 1: We tell our thoughts (intellectual intimacy).
Number 2: We discuss our feelings (emotional intimacy).
Number 3: We spend time together and discuss the time we have spent apart (social intimacy).
Number 4: We open our souls to each other (spiritual intimacy).
Number 5: We share our bodies (physical intimacy).
BURYING OUR EMOTIONS
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 18:3)
What makes humility so desirable is the marvellous thing it does to us; it creates in us a capacity for the closest possible intimacy with God.
Monica Baldwin (British Author)
This sounds obvious, as something we should all be doing. What hinders the communication at deeper emotional level? Let me suggest some common hindrances.
One reason we do not discuss our feelings in a Christian way is that we are not in touch with them. For whatever reason, some of us have been trained to deny our emotions. Perhaps earlier in life someone led us to believe that our emotions were not acceptable. We never saw our father show sadness or weakness, only stoic silence. Maybe our mother said, “Always look on the bright side.” A grandmother said, “Big boys don’t cry.” Fear, negativism, sharing of what we really thought or wondered about—these things are often discouraged growing up.
For others, the deep emotional pain experienced in childhood has coloured their adult reality. The pain of parents’ separation, the memory of physical abuse, the grief over the untimely death of a parent—these and other experiences of emotional pain were never processed as a child. The feelings lie deeply buried within the Christian. Years ago, the person stopped feeling because the pain was so intense. He or she separated his intellectual life from his emotional life and is no longer in touch with how he feels. When you ask this person, “How do you feel about you feel about your sister’s cancer?” his response will be, “I don’t have any feelings. I just hope she gets well.” He is not evading the question. He simply is not in touch with the emotional side of his humanity. For this person to find health and healing, he will likely require the help of a trained counsellor. It does not help for the spouse to condemn him for not discussing his emotions.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:16
Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away.
Eric Berne
American, Psychologist
The second reason we are reluctant to discuss our emotions is that we fear our spouse’s response. Christ asks us to become like children, but in the bible we see people push the children away because they act childlike and do not hide their emotions. We may fear that our spouse condemn our feelings just like the people condemned the children in the bible. Such fear serves as a substantial roadblock to emotional intimacy. To overcome such fears, we must first acknowledge them. Only as we face these fears openly are we able to work through them and go beyond them.
Another reason some individuals do not talk more about emotions is that they have never done it in the past. “We have a good marriage, but we have never talked much about our feelings. Why should we start now?” Normally, the person who makes such a statement has come from a family where emotions were not admitted openly. The message was clear that around here, you don’t talk about your feelings, especially if you think others will disagree. So the person managed to live without opening his emotions. Thus, his or her entire marriage has been structured with little openness in the emotional area. The thought of doing something different is a bit frightening. But the discussing of emotions is a necessary way to build deeper intimacy in a relationship. And yes, emotional intimacy does affect physical intimacy. We can never successfully separate the two.
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work ... if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4: 9 – 11
The more familiar two people become, the more the language they speak together departs from that of the ordinary, dictionary-defined discourse. Familiarity creates a new language, an in-house language of intimacy that carries reference to the story the two lovers are weaving together and that cannot be readily understood by others.
Alain de Botton (swiss author)
It all sounds so obvious, yet still we do not open up to each other. There is one another reason some do not discuss their emotions with their spouses: “I don’t want to burden my spouse with my emotional struggles.” Such a statement sounds caring on the surface, and the person may indeed be looking out for the interests of their spouse. There are times in which our spouses may be under so much stress that it may not be wise for us to discuss our emotions, especially if our emotions are negative. But in a healthy relationship, the discussion of emotions needs to be a two-way street. If we do not tell our negative feelings of hurt and disappointment, how can the other ever give us emotional support? We are denying our spouse the opportunity to be intimate with us and to enter into our struggles.
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Genesis 2:24
This sharing of the inner self is the fabric from which we weave marital intimacy. It is what we thought we had when we married. It is what we wanted to have for a lifetime. Without it, the whole relationship seems to wane. It is extremely important to a loving family. It satisfies the inner longings of the couple, and, if children are in the family, it serves as the best positive model of what family is all about.
Because the desire for marital intimacy is so deeply rooted in our psyche, it greatly affects all other aspects of family life. First, it affects the way the husband and wife treat each other. Then it influences the way they both relate to the children. When intimacy exists between a husband and wife, the results will be a healthy environment to raising children. Where it does not exist, children will grow up in a battle zone and may wear the scars for a lifetime.
Time and effort spent in developing intimacy in your marriage is time wisely invested for the emotional and physical health of your children. In fact, few things will yield greater results for your children. Intimacy between the husband and the wife builds security in the life of the child. There is something deep within the child that says, “This is the way it is supposed to be.”
Families who serve
Read John 13: 1- 12
25Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20
It is not fitting, when one is in God’s service, to have a gloomy face or a chilling look.
St. Francis of Assisi
Italian, Saint Quotes
It’s a great paradox—the way up is down. True greatness is expressed in serving, not in dominating. No parents challenge their children to be like Hitler—or even someone like Donald Trump—while thousands continue to challenge their children to be like Jesus. Service is a mark of greatness.
Every family member should certainly learn to work, it is a trait we as parents should have, and one we definitely want our kids to have. Some busy families neglect this responsibility, thinking it’s more important for the kids to pursue activities like sports than it is for them to do chores. Or, the parents reason, “It’s easier to do it myself.” But we aren’t doing our children any favours by letting them off the hook. We can delegate age-appropriate jobs, along with basic training on how to do the job.
Perhaps you are thinking, So there is work to be done, and every family member needs to share the load. Whats new? “An attitude of service” is far more than simply getting the work done. In a healthy family, members have the sense that as I do something for the benefit of other family members, I am doing something genuinely good. Individuals have an internal desire to serve and an emotional sense of satisfaction with a job done for others. In a highly functional family, there develops the sense that service to others is one of life’s highest callings.
A healthy family has an attitude of service to each other and to the world outside the walls of the family. Read the biographies of men and women who have lived lives of sacrificial service to others, and you will find that most of them grew up in families that nurtured the idea of service as virtuous.
Writer Philip Yancey notes that toward the end of his life, Albert Einstein removed the portraits of two scientists—Newton and Maxwell— from his wall. He replaced those with portraits of Gandhi and Schweitzer. Einstein explained that it was time to replace the image of success with the image of service.
KIDS WHO WANT TO HELP, TEENS WHO WANT TO SERVE
10For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." 11We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. 12Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat. 13And as for you, brothers, never tire of doing what is right.
2 Thessalonians 3:10-13
Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth.
Shirley Chisholm
American, Politician
I would like to specifically speak about how we can get out kids to display Christ like service to the world around them.
An attitude of service is relatively easy to foster in a young child. As a baby becomes a toddler, she becomes a full-time explorer. In time, the explorer becomes a builder, and by the time the child is four, the builder has become a helper. The idea of service seems almost instinctive. If the child is allowed to help and affirmed for helping, he or she will likely be a willing worker well into the first and second grade. In grades three through six, a child’s attitude of service will be greatly influenced by the models in the family. If the parents have talked about service as a virtue and have helped the child discover ways to serve family members, and if the child is given verbal affirmation for such acts of service, the child will continue to find satisfaction in serving well into adolescence.
In the wonderful years of thirteen to eighteen, there will be dramatic changes. If the teenager has internalized an attitude of service, he or she will reach out in many ways beyond the family circle. At school and to those around them.
Not all service will be directed toward people. For example, many young people love helping animals. Elizabeth, a high student, told me of her passion for helping troubled animals. I found her by a community lake putting a splint on a duck’s leg. The duck had been hit by a passing car, and Elizabeth came to the rescue. All of us are impressed and encouraged by young people who become involved in efforts to alleviate poverty in Africa. Such young people typically learned their attitude of service in the home.
HOW ADULTS SERVE
Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children. Proverbs 17:6
I’ve got nothing against my parents; I don’t know what it’s like raising children and they did a good job, but they didn’t see eye to eye.
Evan Dando
American, Musician
Not only do we want to raise good children, but we want them to become good parents.
Adults choose to have children, knowing that such a choice means twenty-four months of diapers, five years of bathing, up to two years of nursing or bottle-feeding, then spoon-feeding, putting on 308 Band-Aids (with some kids, at least that many each year), attending a minimum of 220 sporting games, cooking countless meals, sacrificing to pay for school fees, and a thousand other acts of service. Yet we choose—freely choose—children. And those who cannot have biological children often choose to adopt a child whom someone else is unable to serve.
So we teach our children, as Christian parents we do these acts not because we have to, but because we chose to. Have you ever sat down with your kids and told them why you have children? Why you serve them, what dreams you have for them?
Teaching our children why we do what we do is important.
Today we have covered
1. Intimacy between husband and wife
2. Families who serve
Please come back for the next 2 services to hear more on this important topic.
