An Experience with Anger
Eph. 4:26-27
3-8-09
INTRO
Hillbilly Revenge video from Sermon Spice
Granny & I have a lot in common. We both get angry.
I was angry all last week. Do you want to hear about it? I can’t give you all the details because that wouldn’t be fair to the other party. I need you to know that it has nothing to do with anybody you know or anything to do with this church. But it matters a lot to me personally.
Early in the week, about Tuesday or Wednesday, the other party made a decision. The decision significantly impacts my future; and I did not feel it was a just decision. I tried to reason with the other party; but my appeal was ignored and the legal technicality was enforced. I had hit a brick wall. There was nothing I could do about the decision. I was mega ticked!!!
I am pleased to report that during my appeal I asserted my thoughts calmly and clearly. I did not lose my temper or lash out at the other party. That was not because I’m so righteous but because I knew that would only make matters worse for me. So here I am with an unjust decisions and I can’t do a thing about it.
What comes next? I simply told myself to forget it; it’s no big deal! A lot of times, that’s how I deal with disappointment. And as I continue with this story, you will see the flaw in that approach.
Let me tell you about the next two nights. I tossed and turned all night. About every two hours I would wake up thinking about that situation. It would take me 20 or 30 minutes to get back to sleep each time. Of course, I tried to pray each time. But my prayers would usually gravitate toward a request that God would show them how wrong they were. I don’t think the prayers were working very well. Somehow counting backwards from 1000 usually helped me get back to sleep.
When I woke up Friday morning I felt totally exhausted. The sleep depravation had taken its toll physically. My mind was in a fog; and I couldn’t do the more complex jobs. So I decided to return a few items to the store. In retrospect, I would say I wasn’t in any condition to do that either. But before I tell you what happened there, I want you to look with me at Ephesians 4:26-27.
“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold” (NIV).
NKJV says, “Be angry, and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, 27 nor give place to the devil.”
I take from that verse 3 thoughts:
(1) We all experience anger: “In your anger....”
(2) We are all responsible for how we manage our anger: “and do not sin: do not let the sun go down on your wrath...”
(3) We give the devil a foothold in our lives if we don’t manage it right: “nor give place to the devil.”
I. What is anger?
Anger is an emotion that is built into our construction. Scientists have identified specific areas of our brain that are responsible for an anger response. They can stimulate anger in the laboratory simply by using electronic instruments.
Of course, that physical response is usually stimulated by our thoughts. All your emotions are stimulated by thoughts. That’s why we need to have our minds renewed; because we can’t control our emotions directly. We manage our emotions by managing our thoughts. Think about it. If you were to set your mind on some unjust, personal offense and think about that for awhile, you would become angry. The more you dwell on the injustice the more angry you’d become. Access to our emotions is through our thought life. That’s where Phil 4:8 addresses the thought-life. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such thing.” (NIV)
Anger is a God-given capacity with a purpose. At its most basic level, it helps us survive. It energizes our physical strength to protect ourselves and our loved ones if needed. Parents, what would happen if you saw an adult walk up and, for no reason at all, slap your child on the face? You would immediately experience a physical change. Your blood pressure would go up, adrenalin would rush through your body and you would be ready to defend your kid from that bully. Anger activates your system to act.
God gets angry and we are made in His image. It was a good thing for Jesus to get angry at the money changers in the Temple. That anger energized him to drive those people out of the House of God. What was Jesus angry about in that situation? He was angry for the honor of the Father. His actions were not self-serving but were subject to the Holy Spirit’s prompting. My subject this morning is not about righteous anger. I simply want you to make an important distinction.
The emotion of anger by itself is not sin. What we do with that emotion is where sin can come in. “In your anger do not sin.” It doesn’t say, never get angry. That verse puts a responsibility upon us as to how we will manage the anger. Anger is never an excuse for inappropriate behavior. No matter how angry we are, we’re still responsible for what we do with that anger. We’re still responsible for our actions.
Webster’s Dictionary defines anger as “a feeling of displeasure resulting from injury, mistreatment, opposition, etc., and usually showing itself in a desire to fight back at the supposed cause of this feeling.”
II. That definition addresses some of the causes of anger.
(1) Injury or mistreatment. Somebody has hurt you or a loved one. You feel you have been unjustly treated. I got angry this week because I felt the decision that was made—a decision that affected me a whole lot more than the other party—was not fair, was not just. It cost me something that I didn’t feel was right.
Most of us here at one time or another have felt cheated in a business transaction. Something is misrepresented. Perhaps the other party overcharges us or refuses to pay what is due us. When I paid the contractor this week for putting up our signs, he shared with me the pain he had experienced because of people who did not pay him for his work. He was glad we paid him what we said we would pay him.
We all need respect; and when others treat us disrespectfully we feel angry. It’s hurtful when people slander us and speak evil of us unjustly. It’s natural to feel anger when we’re mistreated in those ways.
(2) Webster also mentions opposition. When you are being attacked it is natural to feel anger as a result of that attack. That’s not a sin. It can become a sin if you attack back. It takes self-control to manage your anger when you’re being criticized. The natural tendency is to defend yourself and criticize back. It takes maturity to even receive constructive criticism, let alone malicious criticism. When we’re being personally attacked, we experience anger as a defense mechanism.
Frustration leads to anger when our goals are being obstructed. We’re trying to accomplish something we feel is important and others are doing things or saying things that thwart that progress. As a result, we feel angry.
III. Now here’s something that’s important to understand. As far as our emotions are concerned, it’s all about our perception of the offense. In reality, there may be no injustice at all. But if we perceive it as mistreatment, if we perceive it as a personal injustice, then emotionally if feels the same. That’s why our emotion of anger must always be suspect. Maybe I’m not seeing the whole picture. Maybe there is no injustice at all; it just looks that way to me. That’s why I must stay open to reason when I feel angry. I must be willing to hear the facts and adjust my perception toward reality as it is revealed. That’s why avoiding the other person and not hearing that person’s perspective can be a big mistake.
Jonah became angry because he thought God was not being just in His dealings with the Ninevites. Jonah saw Nineveh as the enemy of God’s people. He knew how wicked and cruel they had been in the past. He saw them as a threat to his own people. From Jonah’s perspective, justice would be served if God wiped those people off the face of the earth. He was very angry because he did not think God did the right thing in sparing those people when they repented. What did God do? He patiently reasoned with Jonah. He pointed him to the facts. He even caused a plant to grow and give shade to Jonah; then had a worm destroy the plant. He went to all that trouble to change Jonah’s perspective. We don’t know if Jonah ever saw it God’s way or not. The last time we see him he’s still sitting on the hill pouting while God is trying to get him to see reality as it really is.
What’s the lesson from Jonah? When you’re angry, take time to test your perceptions. Maybe you’re not seeing it as it really is. Maybe you need to hear another perspective to test the accuracy of your own perspective. That can only happen if you are humble enough to listen to the other person and entertain the possibility that your view of the matter may not be completely accurate and balanced.
IV. How do we manage our anger?
(1) First, we need to acknowledge that we are angry. It helps to know that the feeling of anger alone is not sin. It’s not wrong to feel angry. How can we manage something if we won’t admit it even exists?
I mentioned earlier how I mismanaged my anger last week. I was right to control my tongue when talking to the other party. It would have been foolish of me to unleash my anger and tell them off. Eccl 7:8-9 “The end of a thing is better than its beginning;
The patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit. 9 Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools” (NKJV). A little patience can go a long way in our relationships with other people. I did not say what I felt like saying. I did speak my mind in a non-attacking manner. Will Rogers said, "Whenever you fly into a rage, you seldom make a safe landing." That is so true. James gives a good formula for those type situations. James 1:19-20 “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20 for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (NKJV).
So, where did I go wrong last week? I went wrong when I told myself and my wife it was no big deal. That was a lie I was trying to convince myself of. Jeanie could see through it and kept trying to get me to talk about it. I kept saying, “I’m fine. It’s no big deal.” Rather than admitting my anger, I was denying it and repressing it. As a result, my blood pressure went way up and I could not sleep. What’s worse, it came out Friday in a different way. Remember when I told you I decided to return some stuff Friday to the store, because I could work on the more complicated jobs. When I got to the store I got some more disrespect. The clerk was requiring receipts I didn’t have. She was having me wait while she helped other customers who came in after me. Normally, I could have handled that; but not last Friday. I got snippy with her and just gave her part of the stuff without even receiving payment—just to make the point that I thought she was being unreasonable. You would have been very disappointed if you had seen me at that moment.
After I left, I felt really convicted about how I had behaved. I asked the Lord to forgive me. What was my temptation at that point? I was very tempted to leave it at that. But at that point I had not fully dealt with the sin. I had not only sinned against God but against that clerk. Oh, I did not want to go back to that store. In fact, when I stomped out of that store, I told myself I would never be back. But I knew I had to go back. As I headed toward the store I was hoping no one would be there but the clerk. But when I got there that was not the case. There were customers in the store. There was another clerk that was in the store when I was so snippy. I had to ask forgiveness from both of them. It was a very humbling experience; but I knew I had to do it.
So why did I treat that clerk the way I did? I was dumping the anger I had toward the other party on her. I was dumping the anger I denied on her. The truth of the matter is this. If we’re angry, we’re angry. It does no good to simply ignore it or deny it.
What should I have done besides acknowledging my anger?
(2) I should have had an honest conversation about it with a safe person.
Instead of telling Jeanie, “It’s no big deal,” I should have talked about why it was a big deal for me. I should have been honest about how it was affecting my future. I should have gotten her to pray with me about it. I pridefully presented myself to be stronger than I really was.
Let me give two warnings at this point. First, talking about does not mean I’m at liberty to speak evil of the other person. It does not mean I try to convince someone how right I was and how wrong the other party was. It simply means I’m honest about what I’m feeling. Secondly, I must talk to a safe person. That means the other person is mature enough to handle the conversation appropriately. The other person needs to know how to be a sounding board without becoming offended at the other party themselves. The other person needs to be emotionally strong enough to maintain the confidentiality of the conversation and keep a healthy perspective.
(3) I also should have expressed my true feelings to God in prayer. Sometimes God is the only person we need to talk with. At other times we need people to partner with us in walking through the pain. Do we know how to pour our complaint out before the Lord in prayer? David knew how to do that and provides us awesome guidance in the Psalms. Let me give you one example. Ps 22:1-2 “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?
Why are You so far from helping Me, And from the words of My groaning? 2 O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; And in the night season, and am not silent” (NKJV). Ps 74:18-21 “Remember this, that the enemy has reproached, O LORD,
And that a foolish people has blasphemed Your name. 19 Oh, do not deliver the life of Your turtledove to the wild beast! Do not forget the life of Your poor forever.
20 Have respect to the covenant; For the dark places of the earth are full of the haunts of cruelty. 21 Oh, do not let the oppressed return ashamed!
Let the poor and needy praise Your name” (NKJV). Is it alright to pray like that? Yes. David is not being defiant against God and he is not cursing his enemies. He is simply saying, “God, I don’t get it. Where are you? Please intervene. This is not right.” The good news is this: God is mature enough to handle your complaint. Cast your burden on the Lord.
(4) In this process I must forgive. I must relinquish my desire to get even. Being angry is not a sin; but any retaliation is. Rom 12:19 “Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord.” Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did was alright. Forgiveness is deciding in your heart that the other person does not owe you anything. Jesus used money to teach this principle. In Matt. 18:21-25 Jesus told a parable about a landowner who was settling accounts with his servants. One servant owed him 10,000 talents—a huge amount of money. The servant did not have the money and begged for more time. With great mercy and compassion the landowner forgave the debt. He in effect said, “You don’t owe me a thing.” But later that servant went to a man who owed him 100 denarii (a small fraction of what the servant had been forgiven). Instead of forgiving that man, he threw him in debtors’ prison. Some of you know the rest of the story. The master/landowner (who typifies God) heard about the servant’s unwillingness to forgive the small debt. Matt 18:34 says, “And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him” (NKJV). Jesus told that story to teach us the necessity of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not so much for the other person as it is for us. An unforgiving life is a tormented life. Unforgiveness gives a foothold for the devil to work in your marriage, in your job relationships, in your ministry. How many Christians today have stepped back from their ministry because someone hurt them in the past? How many marriages have fallen apart because place was given to the devil? How many couples live below their God-given privilege because anger was not processed biblically?
(5) Allow the experience to shape your character and make you more like Jesus.
There is always much to learn from these experiences if we will. Up until about Thursday night, I had comforted myself in the belief that I was totally right and the other party was absolutely wrong. I saw myself as an innocent victim being wrongly persecuted. Then about 3:00 am Friday morning I suddenly saw something I had not seen. I woke up with the realization that this was not my first experience like this. In fact, God showed my two other occasions which were less impacting but had exactly the same pattern—a perceived unjust decision that I could do nothing about. In other words, there was something in me that God was trying to get at—an attitude, inflexibility, perhaps some pride, etc. Now I have to ask myself why this was so upsetting and what needs to change in me.
I did not like the control these people had over my life. Forget about whether they were right or wrong in what they were doing. What needs adjusting in me? First, I need to be more flexible—my objectives, my goals, my way of reaching those goals may or may not be the best path. Anybody here need to develop more flexibility in your dealings with others? Second, I need to trust God that regardless of what it may look like, He is ultimately in control of my life. This decision thwarted a major goal I had set. Maybe that was never God’s plan. Maybe God is graciously directing me in a better direction. Bottom line, can I trust God with the outcome? Prov 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths” (NKJV). Remember how unjustly Joseph was treated by his brothers. Remember how unjustly David was treated by Saul. Ultimately God got both of those men exactly where they needed to be. And He will do that for you if you’ll trust Him through the process.
Conclusion
So if I am angry, what am I to do? Sin not. Get it resolved quickly. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Do not harbor the offense. Do not stew over what happened. Do not allow anger to fester into resentment. Do not become a bitter person. Do not rehearse the offense over and over in your mind. That only feeds the anger. Deal with it forthrightly. If you need help dealing with it, get the help. The perceived injustice will do one of two things: it will either make you better or bitter. Process it in such a way that you become better.
Is there anything you need to commit to the Lord? Is there anybody you need to forgive? Is there any circumstance you need to put into God’s hands and trust Him with the result?
Prayer teams
Richard Tow
Gateway Foursquare Church
Nixa, Missouri
www.GatewayNixa.org
