BIG IDEA:
Walking with God’s family involves handling disclosure correctly, exercising discernment and becoming as devoted to each other as we are to Jesus Christ.
1. We Must Handle Disclosure Correctly.
What does it mean to disclose something?
To disclose something means to reveal it, to make it known, to confess it, or come out with it.
Did you realize that all relationships are based on mutual disclosure?
I share something with you about myself. You share something with me about yourself.
And as we continue in this give and take exchange we build a foundation upon which our friendship is built.
When Nicole and I were first dating, we used to spend time exercising together.
We would visit a high school track near to where both of us lived.
And we would walk and jog around that track together and just talk.
Up until that point we’d had a working relationship. But when we started jogging together and talking we began to develop a closer relationship.
I would share things about myself she didn’t know. She would share things about herself I didn’t know.
And as we continued to share information with each other pretty soon you could see something special developing.
We were building a foundation on which our relationship would be built.
Disclosure or sharing information with each other was the bridge Nicole and I walked across to get to know one another.
This is how it works in every relationship, not just romantic ones.
Every relationship you and I have is based on a certain amount of disclosure or shared information.
The health of my relationship with Nicole depended on how both of us decided to handle these moments of disclosure.
If I had mishandled some of the information Nicole had given to me, I might not be married to her today.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone mishandled delicate information you shared with them?
When someone shares with you a weakness they have, or something unflattering about themelves there are any number of wrong ways we can handle it.
Some ways people mishandle disclosure are…
1. They Criticize it.
The minute someone shares something they are struggling with with the other person that person turns right back around and criticizes them for it or begins giving them unsolicited advice.
They may say things like, “What were you thinking?” or “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know better than that?”
Rather than simply hearing it, they judge the thought immediately, at least in their mind saying, “This is good or this is bad.”
This only serves to push the person away and causes the person sharing to clam up and close up.
We mishandle disclosure whenever we make snap judgments or jump to conclusions about the other person based on the little information they are sharing with us.
Steven Covey, in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, talks about this.
He says:
“Suppose you’ve been having trouble with your eyes and you decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint, he takes off his glasses and hands them to you.
“Put these on,” he says. “I’ve worn this pair of glasses for ten years now and they’ve really helped me. I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these.”
So you put them on. But it only makes things worse.
“This is terrible!” you exclaim. “I can’t see a thing!”
“Well, what’s wrong?” he asks. “They work great for me. Try harder.”
“I am trying,” you insist. “Everything is a blur.”
“Well, what’s the matter with you? Think positively.”
“Okay, I positively can’t see a thing.”
“Boy, are you ungrateful!” he chides. “And after all I’ve done to help you!”
What are the chances you’d go back to that optometrist the next time you needed help? Not very good, I would imagine. You don’t have much confidence in someone who doesn’t diagnose before he or she prescribes.
But how often do we diagnose before we prescribe in communication?”
Proverbs 18:13 says:
“What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!” (NLT)
Another way we mishandle disclosure is…
2. They Publicize it.
When the other person shares a weakness with another person that individual goes public with the information. They betray a confidence and share information with other people that the individual would never have wanted shared. Clearly this is a mishandling of disclosure.
A third way we mishandle disclosure is…
3. They Capitalize On it.
Perhaps the person that has received the information now feels that they have something on the other person. The person with the juicy bit of info now feels that they have a key or a lever that can help them gain an advantage over this weakened person. People who do this mishandle disclosure because they see relationships as competitive and not as restorative.
A fourth way we mishandle disclosure is…
4. They Emphasize it.
They refer to the weakness often or hold it over the head of the person who has shared, almost blackmailing them with it. They may bring it back up again and again, revisit it and use it as a prod to goad the other person. Certainly this is a mishandling of disclosure.
Proverbs 17:9 says:
“He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.”
It’s like the husband who was talking to his buddy. He said, “Every time I and my wife get into a fight, she gets historical.”
“Don’t you mean, hysterical, said the friend.”
“No, said the husband. She gets historical. She tells me everything I ever did to her.”
If you continue to emphasize some piece of information for years and years, that is a mishandling of disclosure.
We’ve looked at some ways we mishandle disclosure.
And we’ve said that there are 4 ways we typically mishandle disclosure.
We criticize it, publicize it, capitalize on it, or emphasize it.
Now you know that for you to get along in any group of people, especially with those in a church, you must avoid making these kinds of mistakes.
So, what is the right way to handle disclosure?
Well, the right way is to EMPATHIZE WITH IT.
What does it mean to empathize with it?
It means to seek to understand the other person and not to change them. Seek to feel what they feel. Seek to understand what they are thinking and feeling and why they feel these ways.
James 1:19-20 says this:
“My dear brothers and sisters, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (NLT)
To empathize with someone requires that we truly listen to them.
This is what it takes as a disciple to walk with God’s family.
It takes handling disclosure correctly.
2. We Must Exercise Discernment In Relating To Each Other.
Reading is one of my favorite past times.
I can take a good book and sit down by a fire place and read for hours.
I learned to read watching my mother and father read. Both of them have a love for reading and learning.
But did you know that books are not the only thing we read?
We also read people and situations.
Whenever you and I are reading a person or a situation, we call that discernment.
When I was in high school I had a soccer coach who could have used a little more discernment.
Each year my soccer team would travel together to a soccer camp just before the season started.
Our coach used it as a bonding time so that hopefully our team would gel and we would be better teammates to each other.
But every morning he would swing open the door to our room with a loud bang and start singing at the top of his lungs, “Rise and shine, give God the glory. Rise and shine. Give God the glory.”
We all woke up and we were not in a good mood.
Listen to this Proverb:
“He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him.” (Proverbs 27:14 NASB)
That coach was not using his discernment. And I can assure you that none of us players saw his singing as a blessing that early in the morning.
Would you agree there’s a certain amount of discernment you have to exercise to maintain healthy relationships?
You have to size up people and situations in order to know how to relate to them.
Walking with God’s family requires that we use massive doses of discernment.
There’s no better example of someone using divine discernment that Jesus Christ.
Notice this verse from John 2:23-25:
“Because of the miraculous signs he did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many people were convinced that he was indeed the Messiah. But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew what people were really like. No one needed to tell him about human nature.”
Jesus was suspicious of their motives. He knew these people were intrigued with Him because of the entertainment factor inherent in his miracles.
If you saw a guy doing miracles on the street you’d be wowed to!
But Jesus didn’t trust them. He knew human nature too well.
This, I submit to you, is what we as Christians must also do as we seek to walk with each other.
We need to discern who is worthy of our trust and who is not.
I don’t want to shock you but not every Christian is trustworthy.
It’s sad but true. And we must exercise discernment to know who is and who isn’t worthy of our trust.
Now let’s ask the million dollar question.
How can you tell if someone is worthy of your trust?
God gives us some signs.
John the Apostle faced a situation where his authority was being opposed by another leader in the church and this is what John said.
III John 9-12 says:
“I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say. For this reason, if I come, I will call attention to his deeds which he does, unjustly accusing us with wicked words; and not satisfied with this, neither does he himself receive the brethren, and he forbids those who desire to do so, and puts them out of the church. Demetrius has received a good testimony from everyone, and from the truth itself; and we also bear witness, and you know that our witness is true.”
Here we have two different kinds of Christians.
Diotrephes is not trustworthy. Demetrius is.
Diotrephes loves to be first. He’s what I call a “Power Person”. The sin he struggles most with is pride.
He struggles with issues of control and power. He likes to be in charge and seeks to exert his influence.
His Achilles Heel is that he believes he knows how to run the church better than everyone else.
If the decisions were just left up to him, he thinks, everything would turn out right.
Demetrius is the opposite. He is humble and has the ability to relate to many different kinds of people.
He values other’s opinions and also feels he brings a lot to the table of ministry.
Diotrephes, the untrustworthy type, spends his time forming alliances and accusing others.
He gossips behind closed doors and operates with a level of secrecy that comes in under the radar.
Demetrius, the trustworthy kind, spends his time encouraging and serving others.
Oh, Demetrius could do what Diotrephes does, but he decided long ago that he would not seek to control what belongs in God’s hands.
These two Christians couldn’t be more different.
And I want you to know that you will find both types in every church.
Every local church has its share of Diotrephes as well as its share of Demetrius.
And you and I must discern who is who.
It’s just knowing who you can trust and who you can’t; whose looking out for you and who’s looking out for themselves.
How do you know if you can trust that person or not?
Ask yourself some questions:
1. Does this person always seem disgruntled about something?
Have you realized that in every church there are some people who are chronically dissatisfied?
They are the ones who are always complaining or grumbling about this or that.
They come to you and tell you their story and end up gossiping about someone.
Listen, if someone gossips to you they will also gossip about you.
It’s not a compliment that someone comes to you and feels comfortable saying things about someone else.
2. Does this person freely speak against church leadership to get their way?
The conversation that says, “If I were in charge this is how I would do it is never an appropriate conversation to have. Ever.”
God has placed people in your life to help you stay accountable for a reason.
When you resist that accountability you resist God’s will.
3. Does this person always seem to be in the middle of controversy?
Does this person always seem to be stirring up some trouble or drama?
Romans 16:17-18 teaches us:
“Now I urge you, brethren, keep your eye on those who cause dissensions and hindrances contrary to the teaching which you learned, and turn away from them. For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting.”
If you lay down with dogs you will always get fleas.
So Paul says, “Don’t lay down with dogs so you don’t get fleas.”
Now, at this point some of you are saying, “If this is true. If I have to be so discerning, why not just walk away all together? Why do I go to the trouble of walking with other Christians?”
Some of you have been hurt by other Christians or you know someone that has.
And instead of hanging in there, that person walked away from Jesus and the church family.
The truth is it all comes down to a simple set of commands.
The reason we don’t leave is because God commands us to stay together and work out our differences.
If it were left up to us we might all run away.
But God won’t allow that. He insists that we figure out a way to work together for His glory and His kingdom.
Jesus commanded us in John 13:34:
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you love one another.”
Do you think when Jesus said this He knew that there would be times when Christians weren’t getting along?
Don’t you think Jesus had taken that into account?
He knows that we are human. Remember that verse I shared with you a few minutes ago.
No one had to tell Jesus about human nature. He knows it so well.
And he knows that we are but flesh and blood; that we’re human.
Regardless of our humanity, Jesus commands us to live by His standard of relationship building.
We are to love one another as He has loved us.
What does that mean in the context of a church as we learn to walk with each other?
3. We Must Become As Devoted To Each Other As We Are To Jesus Christ.
The question as we walk with each other is not will you get hurt by another Christian?
That is a fact. You are going to get hurt by other believers.
The question is not: Will I ever get hurt by another Christ-follower?
The real question is: When I do get hurt, will I be willing to forgive them?
One day Peter, one of Jesus disciples asked him a question related to this subject of forgiveness.
Matthew 18:21-22:
“Then Peter came and said to Him, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?’ Up to seven times?”
“Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
Jesus’ point was that as often as that person sins you and I must forgive.
I recall while I was in college that a good friend of mine was engaged to his fiancé.
They had a good relationship that seemed to be perfect, that is until my friend discovered that she had lied to him about an issue.
When my friend found out he went ballistic. He couldn’t believe she would hide the truth from him.
If she would lie to him in this area, he wondered what other areas she might lie or have lied to him in.
He was trying to decide whether to call off the wedding, it was that important to him.
Struggling with his decision he sought counsel from an older Christian he trusted.
My friend relayed to this older Christian man what had happened, how he’d been lied to and how hurt he was.
The older man asked my friend this question.
He said, “Let me ask you this. What could your fiancé do that you feel you just could not forgive her for?”
My friend looked at him and said, “If she denied Christ, I don’t think I could forgive her.”
Then the older man turned it around and asked my friend this question:
“Is there anything you could do that Jesus would not forgive you for?”
My friend thought. He really considered the question.
There was nothing he could do that Jesus would not forgive him for.
As he began thinking about that, he also thought of all that Jesus had forgiven him personally for.
The sins he’d committed, the lies he’d told, the things he’d done against God and against others.
My friend ultimately decided that his relationship with his fiancé was not going to go very far unless he dealt head on with this issue of forgiveness.
Have you faced this issue head on in your life?
My friend forgave her and they went on to get married.
Now they are married and living for the Lord but it wasn’t always an easy road learning to walk with each other.
And it’s the same when we begin learning to walk with each other as Christians.
We have to decide that forgiveness is what Jesus expects from us and that when we are hurt, we are going to be as devoted to each other as we are to Jesus Christ.
I believe that every relationship that ultimately ends does so because forgiveness is not practiced.
