INTRO: Parenting is hard work! To do the job well requires a lot of time and effort and intentionality on the part of moms and dads.
-Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for parents to become increasingly lax about their child-raising responsibilities over time. It’s not uncommon for parents to become less and less attentive with each additional son or daughter.
-Maybe you’ve heard the description of how parents respond differently to their first child, second child and third child.
-When you find out you’re pregnant with your 1st child, you take a Lamaze course and practice your breathing exercises. 2nd child? You don’t bother with Lamaze, because breathing didn’t do a dang thing last time. 3rd child: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
-Have you heard these? Mom or Dad picks up their 1st baby at the slightest whimper. 2nd child? You pick up the baby only when the wails threaten to wake the older sibling from a nap. 3rd child: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the baby’s mechanical swing.
-Here’s another one. When you leave your 1st child with a sitter, you call home 5 times! 2nd child? Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave your cell phone number. 3rd child: You tell the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
-You moms and dads resonating with these? 1st child: You spend a good deal of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd child: You spend a good deal of every day watching to make sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking or hitting the baby. 3rd child: You spend a good deal of every day hiding from your kids.
-Just one more. When the 1st child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: You carefully watch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: You deduct it from the their allowance.
Parenting--to do it well--is hard work. Moms and Dads have to stay at it.
-I’m not talking about the hard work of taxiing kids to soccer games, and buying them school clothes, and attending their band concerts, and chaperoning their school dances, and teaching them to drive the family car.
-I’m talking about the harder work of imparting values to them, and shaping their character, and teaching them to know God.
-If we do this well, the Bible says, our children will grow up to become a delight us. However, if we don’t pay close attention to our parenting, our children could grow up to become prodigals...heart breakers.
We’re in the 7th week of an 8-part series on the life of David.
-This series is called RQ--which stands for Relational Quotient--because we’re learning lessons about relationships.
-Sometimes David serves as a good role model for us. Sometimes David serves as a bad role model--an example of what to avoid in relationships.
-Today, we’re learning from one of David’s failures--David and His Prodigal. (2X)
-TURN: II Samuel 13. Outline (tongue-in-cheek): 4 Practices for Producing a Prodigal or 4 Rules for Raising a Rebel. (This is the way David messed up.)
Two quick disclaimers before we get started.
-First: This is not a message for moms and dads whose kids are already prodigals.
-As we learn from David’s parenting mistakes today, I have not doubt that some moms and dads will be saying to themselves: If only I’d had this information when my kids were 5 years old...or 11...or even 16.
-Those of you whose kids are already prodigals--today’s message is probably too late to be of help to you. But a year ago, we did do a special message for you. March of ’08--it was in a series called, I’ve Got a Secret: a message for the parents of prodigals. (Check it out online, or pick up a copy of it on CD at the bookstore.)
-Second (disclaimer): If your son or daughter is already a prodigal--don’t automatically assume that you were a bad parent. Now, you may have made some of the mistakes that David made. If that’s the case, then ask God (and your kids) for forgiveness. (After today’s message you’ll know what you need forgiveness for.)
-However, it’s also possible that you are not to blame for your prodigal kids. The fact is, even great parents occasionally produce prodigals--because once kids reach a certain age, they wear their own faces. They choose to accept or reject their parents’ input.
-So, I don’t want any mom or dad walking out of here (Blackberry, Dekalb) under a load of false guilt today. If you truly share some of the blame--confess it and ask to be forgiven. But if the blame belongs to your kids--stop condemning yourself. Get it?!
#1 Don’t Set a Good Example
I’m going to be doing a lot of story telling, today--because we’re covering several chapters of II Samuel.
-Let me read just the opening verse of chapter 13 to you--but then I’ll summarize this part of the story. READ v.1.
-OK. Amnon is D’s oldest son. And he falls in love with his stepsister, Tamar. It would be accurate to say, as we’ll soon see, that Amnon falls in lust with Tamar. (He’s horny and she’s beautiful.)
-Now, Amnon knows that a relationship with Tamar is out of bounds--they’re stepsiblings; they have the same dad. But he still desires her.
-Amnon’s friend, Jonadab comes to his rescue. He suggests a little scheme. Amnon should go to bed and pretend to be deathly sick. When his dad stops by to check up on him, Amnon should say that he’d feel much better if he had something to eat--would David send stepsister Tamar to his room with some food?
-The ruse works. Take a look at what happens when Tamar drops by to nurse poor Amnon back to health.
-READ vv. 10-14.
Tamar tries every argument in the book to resist Amnon’s advances.
-She appeals to Amnon’s conscience. Verse12: Don’t do this wicked thing. But that doesn’t stop Amnon.
-So Tamar appeals to Amnon’s compassion. Verse13: What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? (I.e. If you violate me, I’ll be damaged goods--no one will ever want me.) But that doesn’t stop Amnon.
-So Tamar appeals to his conceit. End of v.13: What about you? You’d be like one of the wicked fools in Israel--a guy who can’t get a woman except by force! Why not ask the King for my hand in marriage? (Tamar was just stalling for time here--she knows there’s no way that David would condone a marriage between stepsiblings. But she’s saying anything in an attempt to get Amnon to stop.)
-But Amnon doesn’t stop. Tamar’s appeals to his conscience, his compassion, and his conceit fall on deaf ears. Amnon rapes her.
Where did Amnon learn this unbridled sexual aggression? From his dad. From David.
-Keep in mind that David was between 40-50 years old when he had his little fling with Bathsheba. That would’ve made Amnon--his oldest son--at least an adolescent at the time. Old enough to take it all in.
-Bible scholars are quick to point out the similarities between the story of David and Bathsheba and the story of Amnon and Tamar.
*Bathsheba was another man’s wife--out of bounds. Tamar was a stepsister--out of bounds.
*David had a messenger send Bathsheba to him. Amnon used David as his messenger to send Tamar to him. (How ironic!)
*David heard an appeal to stop--Isn’t Bathsheba the wife of Uriah? But he refused to stop. Amnon heard three appeals to stop--from Tamar herself. But he refused to stop.
*David used force--the force of his position as king--to get want he wanted. Amnon used physical force on Tamar.
-You see the similarities? Make no mistake about it--Amnon was following in the footsteps of his dad when he committed this horrible sin. Like father, like son.
So... Do you want to produce a prodigal child? Don’t set a good example! (2X)
-If you diss the traffic cop who just gave you a ticket (What an idiot!), don’t be surprised when your kid shows no respect for those in authority.
-If you let your spouse do all the house-cleaning chores, don’t be surprised when your kid doesn’t lift a finger to help out.
-If you’re always walking around with a beer in your hand, don’t be surprised when your kid gets his first DUI.
-If you’re watching nude love scenes in DVD movies, don’t be surprised when your kid has sex with her boyfriend.
-If rail against the refs from the soccer sidelines, don’t be surprised when your kid gets yellow-carded for anger on the field.
-If you’re never seen reading a Bible, don’t be surprised when your kid doesn’t take God’s Word or spiritual matters seriously.
What we model gets mimicked. (3x)
-Now, there’s a good side to this, isn’t there? There is power in positive role modeling!
-This is why we desperately need Christ in our lives. Because Christ-in-us can make us the examples we need to be for our kids.
-Some of you grew up in broken homes. But that’s not the example you have to pass on to your children. You can model marital faithfulness and perseverance. But it’ll take Christ in you.
-Some of you grew up with alcoholism. But that’s not the example you have to pass on to your children. You can model a sober, Holy Spirit controlled life. But it’ll take Christ in you.
-Some of you grew up with abuse. But that’s not the example you have to pass on to your children. You can model kindness and patience and gentleness. But it’ll take Christ in you.
-What kind of an example are you setting for your children, today? In what areas does your example need to change? (Have you ever invited Christ to...)
#2 Don’t Ask Prying Questions
Back to II Samuel 13. After Amnon rapes Tamar, he loses all interest in her. He kicks her out.
-Tamar is devastated. She leaves Amnon’s room weeping uncontrollably. Absalom, her full brother, comes across Tamar in this condition and he guesses what’s behind it. He immediately surmises that Amnon has violated her.
-Now, keep that in mind--I’m going to come back to it later. Evidently, Absalom knew that Amnon had the hots for Tamar. Why didn’t David know that? David had sent Tamar into Amnon’s clutches. Hello!! David was a clueless dad.
-OK. Absalom tells Tamar that he’ll take care of things. Let’s keep this to ourselves, he says. And Absalom takes Tamar under his wing.
-Eventually, David does hear about the rape. But he doesn’t do anything about it.
-For the next two years, there’s a cold war between Absalom and Amnon. They don’t speak to each other. But all this time, Absalom’s plotting revenge.
-READ vv.23-32.
Things are spinning out of control in David’s family. He no longer has a prodigal son--he now has two prodigal sons (a rapist and a murderer).
-But listen to the point I want to make here: David should’ve seen some of this stuff coming. Generally speaking, David was a pretty smart guy. But he wasn’t paying attention at home. He wasn’t asking enough prying questions.
-Let me give you several hints that David was clueless, from our text. (The clues were there--David was missing them.)
*Clue #1: Amnon says he’s very sick--but he’s also very hungry. And he’s sure he’ll get better if good-looking Tamar brings him something to eat. That doesn’t sound the least bit fishy to David? David doesn’t suspect that Amnon wants to jump Tamar’s bones--something that was obvious, as we’ve learned, to Absalom?
*Clue #2: After the rape, Absalom doesn’t speak to Amnon for two years. Chuck Swindoll, who wrote a biography about David, says about this clue: You’ve got to be rather thick as a father not to know that a son is not speaking to another son for two years! David was thick!
*Clue #3: After two years of cold war, Absalom specifically invites Amnon to come to his sheep-shearing party. Now, to David’s credit, he does get a little bit curious at this point--he even asks a question: (v.26) Why should he (Amnon) go with you? But when Absalom pushes back, David immediately drops the issue. (David should have trusted his gut. David should have kept pressing. David should have asked follow up questions)
*Clue #4: When Jonadab tells David that Absalom has killed Amnon, look at the way Jonadab says it (end of v.32): This has been Absalom’s expressed intention ever since the day Amnon raped his sister Tamar.
-Absalom’s expressed intention. This was no secret. Everybody knew what Absalom was up to...except David.
Friends: David didn’t have to be clueless. He could’ve asked questions. Why didn’t David ask more questions of his kids?
-Maybe, for some of the same reasons that we don’t ask more questions of our kids. Do any of the following reasons sound familiar to you?
Reason #1: We’re preoccupied with our jobs--we’re bringing too much work home with us.
*What’s the solution? Boundaries. We need to be home when we’re home.
Reason #2: When we do hang out with our kids, the time doesn’t revolve around conversation. We’re watching them at a distance--from the bleachers at a basketball game or a band concert. Or, we’re vegging out together in front of a movie. Or, we’re helping them with their homework.
*What’s the solution? More talking in general.
Reason #3: We don’t want to be seen as prying by asking questions.
*What’s the solution? Ask more questions, not less questions. But ask the kinds of questions that your kids would enjoy answering. Fun questions. If the only questions you ever ask are prying questions, then it will seem like you’re always prying. (Why is your sister crying? Did you finish your homework? Where do you think you’re going?)
Get a copy of that 1001 Questions book.
Personal Note: All three of my kids give Sue and me high marks for being "good question askers." (They don’t resent it--they commend it! And we do a lot of prying while we’re asking other kinds of questions!)
4) We don’t want to be accused of not trusting our kids. Why do you need to know where I am every hour of the day--don’t you trust me?
*What’s the solution? Just tell your kids, straight up: No, I don’t trust you. That’s what I always told my kids. And then I’d add: But if it’s any consolation to you--I don’t trust ME, either. That’s why I submit to accountability...
Moms and Dads--we’ve got every right to hold our kids responsible. In fact, God requires that we do so.
Do you know what’s on your son or daughter’s Face Book page? Do you know who they’re Text Messaging--and how often? Do you know the current status of their relationship with God?
Become a world-class question asker!
#3 Don’t Resolve Conflicts
Back to II Samuel--we’re now in chapter 14.
-Absalom takes off. He knows he’s in trouble for having plotted Amnon’s death. So he runs. Interestingly, David really misses Absalom.
-Look at the closing verse of chapter 13.
-READ 13:39. What does it mean: David was consoled concerning Amnon’s death.
* I think that David probably felt--to some extent--that Amnon got what was coming to him. In OT times, rape was punishable by death.
*Now--I’m not suggesting that Absalom had the right to act as judge and jury and executioner. But David might have sympathized (a bit) with what Absalom did.
-In any case, the last verse of chapter 13 tells us that David longed (2X) to go to Absalom. And the opening verse of chapter 14 says the same thing: Joab son of Zeruiah knew that the king’s heart longed (2X) for Absalom.
So. What did David do to resolve this conflict? What did David do to bring Absalom back and work through this messy situation?
-Nothing. Nothing.
-Isn’t it interesting? In some areas of his life, David had a reputation as a proactive, get-er-done kind of guy. He took on a giant, he expanded the boundaries of Israel, he stockpiled resources for the building of a temple.
-When David saw problems, he attacked them head on. Except for family problems. David allowed family problems (parenting problems) to go unaddressed.
-What about us? Do we take the initiative to resolve conflicts in our homes?
There are a couple semi-humorous events I want to draw your attention to in chapter 14.
-Because David fails to take the initiative in resolving the conflict with Absalom, two other people take the initiative for him.
-The first person to do this is David’s good friend and right-hand-man, Joab. Joab recruits a woman from the village of Tekoa to go and tell David a make-believe story.
-I get a kick out of this little ruse--because David has already been a sucker for this same strategy. Remember how Nathan confronted David about his affair with Bathsheba--telling him a story about a heartless rich guy who rips off the only lamb of his poor neighbor.
-David didn’t realize it was a story about him. He fell for it, hook, line and sinker. You would think that the very next time somebody said to David--I’ve got a story for you--David would say, Oh no you don’t--I’m not falling for that story business again.
-But David didn’t see this one coming either. The woman of Tekoa told a simple, heart-wrenching tale. She was a widow with two sons. One day, these two young men got into a fight, the fight turned violent, and one of them was killed. So now, the local authorities have the other son in custody--and they want to execute him for murder.
-Please--this woman begged David--please help me get my only living son back!
How do you think David responds to this story?
-Of course I’ll help you get your son back. I’m the King--I can do ANYTHING!
-To which the woman replies: What about YOUR son? When will you get HIM back?
-We can almost hear David muttering to himself: I’ve got to stop listening to Chicken-Soup-for-the-Soul stories! (Fooled once, shame on you. Fooled twice, shame on me!)
-Well, David immediately guesses who’s behind this little scheme. He calls in Joab. READ vv.21-24.
Wow! It looks as if David is finally going to get this conflict with Absalom resolved.
-Absalom is brought back to Jerusalem. Father and son can now sit down and talk this thing through. Only trouble is--David refuses to talk. He gives Absalom the silent treatment.
-Is that how we let our kids know that we’re angry with them? Is that how we say: You messed up! The silent treatment won’t change our kids’ behavior. It will only alienate them. It will only produce prodigals.
-Now it’s Absalom’s turn to take the initiative in getting David to resolve the conflict. This is the second humorous incident. (The first was the old lady’s story that David fell for.)
-Absalom sends a message to Joab. He says: I’ve been back in Jerusalem for two years--and my father still refuses to talk to me. Please get me an appointment with my dad.
-Joab doesn’t respond to Absalom’s message. Absalom sends Joab a second message. Still no response. So this time (I love this) Absalom has his servants go and set Joab’s barley fields on fire.
-Joab immediately rushes over to Absalom’s house and demands: What do you think you’re doing! To which Absalom calmly replies: Now that I’ve got your attention--I want an appointment with my dad. And so Joab brings father and son together.
When our kids mess up--and they will mess up (maybe frequently), we’ve got to talk about it. Talk--not yell. Talk--not clam up. Talk--until everything’s out in the open.
#4 Don’t Require Consequences for Misbehavior
I only have a closing minute or two to touch on this last point.
-When I said, a moment ago, that David needed to talk things through with Absalom, that David needed to take the initiative in resolving this conflict--I didn’t mean to leave you with the notion that David should’ve just accepted what Absalom had done.
-There needed to be some consequences for Absalom’s violent actions. (2X)
-Unfortunately, David’s response to his son’s misbehavior tends to one extreme or the other. First, David is so angry with Absalom that he gives him the silent treatment for years. But then, David swings to the opposite extreme.
-READ 14:33.
Let me tell you what follows this kiss. From this point on in the story, Absalom can do no wrong. Not in David’s eyes.
-But David is blind. Every day Absalom works at stealing the kingdom from his dad. He puts together a team, he stages a coup, he takes over the palace--and David has to run for his life. (I’ll let you read it for yourself in chapters 15-18).
-Absalom’s betrayal happens right under David’s nose. There is no doubt that David saw it taking shape. But David didn’t do anything about it.
-What parenting lesson can we take away from this? There have got to be consequences for our kids’ misbehavior.
-Unfortunately, we often respond like David did--with one extreme or the other. We either get angry--we yell, we threaten (if this ever happens again), we march off and stay silent for a week. But no tangible consequences.
-Or, at the other extreme, we turn a blind eye toward misbehavior--we act as if nothing has happened. (Kids will be kids!)
Moms and Dads--some of us are trying so hard to be our kids’ friends, that we’re not doing a very good job of being their parents.
-Parents aren’t interested in winning popularity contests--they’re interested in producing God-honoring children.
-That requires the enforcing of consequences for misbehavior:
*You hoard your toys? They go in a box for a few days.
*You punch your brother? You make his bed this week.
*You don’t keep up with your homework? No sports this semester.
*You misuse your cell phone? You lose it for a while.
-Consequences (3X).
*Be calm. (Don’t make up consequences while you’re still angry. That’s the last time you’ll ever drive the family car!
*Be creative. (Don’t be a Johnny One-Note--always giving your 5 year old a time out, or always grounding your 15 year old for a week.)
And by the way--you don’t have to have the consequences in place ahead of time. Sometimes your kids will try to convince you that you can’t enforce certain consequences because--You didn’t tell me that would happen if I did that. The fact is--we couldn’t possibly anticipate every way in which our kids might misbehave. Can you imagine David saying to Amnon: Here’s what’s going to happen if you ever rape your stepsister?
Can you imagine David saying to Absalom: Here’s what’s going to happen if you ever murder your stepbrother?
*Be consistent. Whatever you say you’re going to do--do it. Don’t change your mind. Don’t allow your kids to talk you out of it.
You want to produce a prodigal?
-Don’t set a good example.
-Don’t ask prying questions.
-Don’t resolve conflicts.
-Don’t require consequences for misbehavior.
