The emotional scene we are about to confront comes out of a long history of deals and double deals. When this man stands before his brothers and weeps, his tears flow out of a whole reservoir of pent-up feelings. When this man, this strong, savvy, sophisticated official, cries out in a pain so intense that everybody in the king’s household hears it, you know that his pain is welling up from someplace very deep indeed.
I think most of us will agree that the deepest pain we feel comes out of our family relationships. What parents and children, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives do to one another -- that kind of pain far exceeds anything else. You may be insulted by your friends, you may be scorned by your neighbors, you may be criticized by your boss. All of that hurts. But nothing hurts quite like the things family members do to one another. Nothing brings up tears and feelings more powerfully than the things family members say to one another. The deepest pain we feel comes out of our family relationships.
And yet -- and yet -- I want you to know this morning that there can be healing for that pain. There can be redemption within the family. And our God, our gracious, caring God, can take even the mistakes and the pain, all the insults and the hurt and the just plain garbage, that we put into family life, and out of that our God can bring forth something beautiful.
There is good news today, even for families gone wrong. There is good news for families who hurt.
Picture three brothers and their father. One of these brothers, Benjamin, is very young. He is still very much under the watchful eye of his father, Jacob. Benjamin is the youngest, actually not of three brothers, but of twelve, but in today’s drama, only three figure in. Benjamin, this baby of the family, has been accused of theft. It’s not true, but he stands accused anyway, and seems unable to defend himself. Benjamin is a silent young man. He seems like some sort of victim, sort of pawn in a family chess game.
The second brother you should picture standing before you is Judah. Judah is the very oldest of the sons of Jacob, and, like number one sons everywhere, gets caught sometimes in between the expectations of his father and. the manipulations of his brothers and sisters. Some while back, before the scene we are going to see today, Judah and his brothers did something very damaging. Judah and his brothers, fed up with their father’s playing favorites, and sick of the superior airs they sensed in another brother, Joseph, sold Joseph down the road, got rid of him. Actually, they had wanted to kill Joseph. But Judah, caught between the expectations of his father and the manipulations of most of his brothers, thought up the idea of selling Joseph. He thought that a little pain now was better than a whole lot of pain anytime; but Judah didn’t see that sometimes when you create a little pain now you are setting yourself up for even greater pain down the trail. That’s Judah, the oldest of the sons of father Jacob.
And then I want you to picture Joseph. Joseph had been Jacob’s favorite, yes. Joseph had undoubtedly flaunted his privileged position, yes, of course. But Joseph had been packed up and sent off to Egypt. Joseph had suffered homelessness and abandonment. Joseph had been in prison; but now Joseph had become somebody. Joseph had succeeded in rising to the chief place in the kingdom; he had proved his abilities many times over, and in a time of crisis Egypt’s Pharaoh had trusted Joseph. Joseph was at the pinnacle of success. But today, picture it, Joseph weeps. Today, Joseph finds pain down in the bottom of his heart, and he weeps.
You already know how the brothers, all but Benjamin who stay at home with his father … how the brothers had come to Egypt looking for food to buy. You’ll remember that they did not recognize their brother Joseph after all these years. And you’ll recall that Joseph had decided to play a power game with them. He had insisted that the young Benjamin be brought to Egypt before he would trade for food. Then you will recall as well that after Benjamin comes, Joseph’s next move is to plant a valuable gold cup in Benjamin’s baggage, so that he can accuse the young man of theft. And so, as today’s scene opens, Joseph the bureaucrat, Joseph the hidden brother, is demanding that Benjamin pay for his supposed crime. He demands that Benjamin stay behind in Egypt as a slave.
Judah, that oldest brother, speaks and rehearses the whole story, telling the officer why that would not be possible:
Genesis 44:30 - 45:8
Within the family, there is tremendous pain. But God is able to teach us a better way and is able to bring out of that pain something beautiful.
I
First, out of this story there is a word for fathers, and, probably, mothers as well, from one of these three brothers. And that word is that the wrong kind of parenting love can bring pain into the family. The wrong kind of parenting love can bring pain into the family.
The youngest of the sons of father Jacob is Benjamin. Read the full story and you will read about a sick family relationship. You will read about a father whose whole life is wrapped up in this son Benjamin. You will discover a smothering relationship, a co-dependent relationship. And you will find out that we inflict pain in the family even when we think we are being the most loving and the most generous.
Did you catch this telling phrase in the text? "His life is bound up in the boy’s life, and when he sees that the boy is not with us, he will die." His life, Jacob’s life, is bound up with Benjamin’s life. And if there is no Benjamin, then Jacob too will collapse. If Benjamin fails, then Jacob fails. They are all tied up together.
Are you beginning to see the problem between this father and this son? Do you catch the nuances of this relationship and how it is headed for pain? Remember how Jacob had treated Joseph and what disastrous results it had brought. Remember how Jacob had bought Joseph presents and had encouraged him to lord it over his brothers. Remember how Jacob had so invested himself in that one darling boy, and all the others felt left out. There was no room for anything else or anybody else in father Jacob’s life. The result was one arrogant kid, ten resentful brothers, and a tragedy.
Now here is Jacob, doing it all over again. Here is Jacob, thinking that the way you parent a child is to create a dependency. And then you say it’s love. You say, aren’t we close to each other? We go everywhere together. We do everything together. We are inseparable.
But let me ask you: what impression do you get of Benjamin when you read this Biblical story? What kind of young man was Benjamin?
You can’t answer that question, can you? There’s a good reason. It is because Benjamin never says a word. Benjamin never does a thing. Believe me, folks, I’ve checked the story. Nowhere is Benjamin quoted as saying anything in his own behalf. Nowhere does Benjamin do anything except let his brothers and his father argue over him. Benjamin, for all of his father’s lavish love, is a zero. Benjamin, for all of his father’s protective caution, comes out as nothing. Benjamin is a zero.
Lesson number one about fathering, about parenting, today, is, "Get a life". Get a life for yourself. Do not smother, do not protect, do not harness that child. Give him some room. Give him some space. And do not bind up all of your own meaning in your child. You will do better for him if your own life is rich and full and is meaningful in itself. Listen again to that haunting phrase about Jacob, "His life is bound up in the boy’s life," and know that if you do not live your own life and give your children room to live theirs, there will be pain down the road.
Someone has said that the best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother. Well, that’s good. But then the second best thing a father can do for his children is to love and value his own life and make it rich and complete, so that there really is something there you can give. You don’t want a Benjamin, you don’t want a zero.
II
By contrast, the oldest of the sons of Jacob is Judah. From Judah comes now a word for sons and daughters. The word from Benjamin was primarily for those of us who are parents. Now the word from Judah is for those of us who have parents.
As Judah stands before Joseph at this moment of truth, a whole flood of memories and emotions take over Judah. Still not knowing that the official before whom he stands is his long-lost brother Joseph, nonetheless Judah remembers all the sordid past. He remembers the pain that he and his nine sorry siblings inflicted on their brother and their father. He recounts the whole history of his family. And Judah appeals on the basis of the frailty of his father Jacob: "If my father sees that the boy is not with us, he will die … I will bear the blame in the sight of my father all my life … I fear to see the suffering that would come upon my father". I
Now, isn’t that interesting?! All of a sudden Judah is concerned with his father’s feelings. First time we’ve seen that!
Judah illustrates what happens to us when we do not live out family life with integrity. Judah illustrates what happens when you try to manipulate and play games within the family. Back then, years before, when they sold Joseph into slavery, Judah didn’t worry too much about his father’s feelings. Back then, years before, to give him credit, he did keep Joseph from being killed, but Judah didn’t spend much energy thinking about Jacob’s feelings.
Now it sounds a little hollow, doesn’t it, to hear him say, "I fear to see the suffering that would come upon my father"? Where were you, Judah, at that earlier moment of truth? Where were you, Judah, when, as the leader of a band of boisterous brothers, you had the chance to do something positive? It’s a little late now to be worrying about sparing father Jacob’s feelings, isn’t it?
You see, the real problem is that Judah is carrying all this load by himself. He didn’t stand up effectively for what was right out there on the road years before. He’s never told his father the truth. He’s tried to manage everything, caught between his father’s feelings and his own mistakes, and he just won’t come clean. He just won’t come clean. And so now, it all comes crashing in on him, and the only thing he knows to do is to keep on doing it by himself. "Here, take me." "Let me remain as a slave in. place of the boy …for how can I go back to my father … I fear to see the suffering that would come upon my father." I don’t know what else to do, I’ll just throw myself away.
I wonder how many of us, whatever age we are, are still holding back secrets? How many of us think that we can keep everything under wraps, we say, to protect their feelings? But since, as this story makes abundantly clear, your sins will find you out; and since, as Judah found out to his sorrow and frustration, you can never finish paying the cost of deception, wouldn’t it make sense to come clean with our parents, with our spouses, with our families? Wouldn’t it make sense to honor our families by trusting them with the truth? If the purpose of Fathers’ Day -- and, in fact, of Mothers’ Day -- is to honor our fathers and our mothers, is not the best way to do that to trust them with truth?
Remember Judah, son of his father Jacob, who waited and waited to think about his father’s feelings, who tried to manage his problems all by himself, and who only increased the pain.
III
Now I’ve brought a word of insight for parents from Jacob’s youngest son Benjamin. And I’ve brought a word of counsel from Jacob’s oldest son Judah. Let me see if I can find a word of good news, a word of gospel, from Jacob’s smartest son Joseph.
Joseph weeps loudly when he sees and hears his brother’s appeal. Joseph can control himself no longer, and his pent-up emotions spill out all over the family, the palace, everything. He reveals his identity to his brothers; the thought of his aged father back in Canaan overwhelms him. And the accumulated hurt of all these years mingles with the joy of what he is about to do. Joseph weeps.
But it is not Joseph’s feelings I want to call to your attention. It is not Joseph’s tears that speak most eloquently to us. It is Joseph’s life and how Joseph understands his life.
Remember, Joseph has become successful. Joseph has overcome all kinds of adversity placed in his path, and he has become more successful than either his or his father’s wildest dreams could have imagined. Let Joseph tell you what he has become: he has become "a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house and ruler over the land of Egypt". "A father to Pharaoh" -- that’s an interesting phrase; it really means that even the mighty king, Pharaoh himself, has turned over everything to Joseph. Pharaoh has allowed Joseph the kind of influence and leadership a child might allow his father. An interesting phrase, more than an interesting phrase. Given the whole story about father Jacob and these three sons, there’s a special twist on it … "father to Pharaoh" … as if Joseph is saying, "My father did not show me what it was to be a father. He failed as a father. And my brothers, especially my brother Judah, did not demonstrate what it is to be a child who honors his father. But I have now become a father. I have become a father and a leader to a whole nation. I have become "a father to Pharaoh". Joseph is successful.
But Joseph has something more to say. The key to what Joseph has done you have not heard yet. Believe me, this is not just a message about becoming a yuppie; this is not just a work hard and make good story. Hear this and hear this as good news, as the best of news: Joseph said, "You sold me here, but God sent me to preserve life." "It was not you who sent me here, but God; he has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house."
"You sold me, but it was God who sent me." Brothers, you thought you had got rid of me, you thought you had done me in, and so did I, for a while. But look, "it was not you who sent me here, but God; he has made me a father to Pharaoh". God took the mess you made of this family and He has made a way anyhow. Isn’t that good news?
Isn’t it good news that that even when we are messed up by our parents, our God can make a Joseph? You and I may have come from a home where somebody abused us or smothered us or held us back or did whatever to us, and we, like Benjamin, have thought of ourselves as zeroes, nobodies. But it doesn’t have to be. It doesn’t have to be. You can find, as Joseph did, in the adversities of life, a God-given opportunity, and our God can take us beyond any kind of background and can make us somebody. He can even make us father to Pharaoh.
You and I may have tried, on our own, like Judah did, to handle everything. We may have compromised our integrity and we may have told little half-truths and we may have settled down doing whatever somebody else thought we should do. But we can, as Joseph did, let go of the reins of our lives -- let go and let God work His wonderful way. We can see and follow the providence of a merciful God, as Joseph did, and there is no limit on what we can become. There is no limit on what kind of healing we can bring to our families. And there is no limit on the blessing we can be to the world.
No excuses on this Father’s Day. No crocodile tears over how our parents set us up to fail. No crying over past mistakes, no weeping over missed opportunities. No frustration over things we could have done but still won’t do. No excuses on this Father’s Day.
Only the future with a God who takes people who’ve been sold down the road and still makes them fathers to Pharaoh.
