Forgiveness
Part 7 in series
Relating to God: What We Can Learn About God Through Our Closest Relationships On Earth
Wildwind Community Church
David Flowers
March 21, 2009
Henri Nouwen wrote, “Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We do not even know what we are doing when we hurt others. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour – unceasingly.”
Can there be any question that in any healthy relationship there must be forgiveness? Show me a person who refuses to forgive and I will show you a person who is seething with resentment and bitterness and frustration. Show me a marriage where there is no forgiveness and I will show you two people on their way to a business partnership – raise the kids, provide the rides, bring the snacks, make the money – and that’s about it. Because forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. And all of us love poorly.
It didn’t take me long to realize that almost any time I would see a couple in my office, I was sitting across from two people who both felt ripped off. Think about that for a minute. Usually when someone is ripped off there is a rippee and a ripper. Someone robs and someone gets robbed. But a lot of the time, in relationships, both partners feel like they’re the one getting ripped off. Both insist the other partner stole their joy, stole their happiness, stole their freedom, stole their peace, stole their confidence. But you know what’s really weird? If I steal $20 from you, I’m not plus $20 and you’re now minus $20, right? Not in relationships. Usually in relationships, one partner says the other has stolen all this stuff from them, only the other partner can’t produce it. The partner who supposedly stole all this happiness, peace, joy, confidence, etc., can’t produce it. Doesn’t have it. In fact, probably hasn’t seen it in years. He says, “She stole my peace. She took my fun. She made off with my freedom.” Really? Well if she stole your peace, how come she doesn’t have any? If she took all your fun, why hasn’t she had fun in years? If she made off with your freedom, why does she feel like she’s living in chains? She says, “He stole my confidence. He took my enthusiasm. He made off with my happiness.” Yeah? Where are they then? If he stole your confidence, why is he not confident? If he took your enthusiasm, how come he’s not enthusiastic? If he made off with your happiness, what’d he do take it and then bury it? Because it’s not showing up on his face, that’s for sure. In most broken marriages you are likely to have two people who both feel ripped off – two people who have not been able to forgive the other for taking whatever they supposedly took. Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. And we all love poorly. That is why we all need to forgive, and be forgiven. Nouwen goes on to say:
“Forgiveness means that I continually am willing to forgive the other person for not being God – for not fulfilling all my needs. I, too, must ask forgiveness for not being able to fulfill other people’s needs….Human beings…are all so limited in giving that which we crave. But since we want so much and get only part of what we want, we have to keep on forgiving people for not giving us all we want.”
Let’s digest this here a little bit.
Romans 3:23 (NIV)
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
This verse is one of the cornerstones of scripture. It is simple in logic, but profound in its message. Let’s look at the logic.
• All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
• I am part of “all”
• Therefore, I have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
To truly understand the message of this verse is to live a life of forgiveness – forgiving and asking forgiveness. If all have sinned, and all fall short, that means others are going to hurt me and let me down and fail to meet my needs. If I am part of all, that means that I am going to hurt others and let them down and fail to meet their needs.
Now I want to bring in another important piece of scripture here to shed light on this passage we’re looking at.
Matthew 6:22-23 (NIV)
22 "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light.
23 But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
This is where we trip over forgiveness. God’s Word tells us we have all sinned and fall short of God’s standard. Okay, check. Each of us knows we’re part of “all,” so we each know we’ve sinned and fall short of God’s standard. Okay, check. Each of us knows that others are also part of all, and that therefore they have sinned and fall short of God’s standard. So why do we struggle with forgiveness? I mean, if most of us realize that we are imperfect, and that others are imperfect, and that that’s why we hurt one another, shouldn’t this case be closed? Shouldn’t we all, based on that understanding, just live a life of forgiveness, often asking it of others and giving it away freely? Well yeah. But we don’t. Why? Because of what I just read to you. Because the light within us is darkness.
In other words, we acknowledge that we are sinners and others are sinners when we read it in the Bible. We acknowledge when we read it in the Bible that we therefore stand in need of forgiveness. But here’s why that’s not enough. It’s not enough because of something we also do. Here it is:
Sam: You hurt me
Diane: I did not.
That’s it!
Or maybe it looks like this:
Laura: You don’t listen to me.
Luke: I do too.
Or maybe like this:
Jack: You don’t respect me.
Jill: That’s because you don’t love me.
Or…
Hillary: Don’t yell at me.
Bill: Okay, so apparently it’s alright when YOU yell at ME.
Look closely at all these transactions, which I think represent normal arguments people get into. The problem is that they position people fundamentally in opposition to one another. Sam says, “You hurt me.” In other words, “you caused me to feel a certain way.” Diane tells Sam that his hurt wasn’t her fault, even though Sam says it was her fault. They’re both wrong. Diane, in her brokenness, said something hurtful to Sam. Sam, in his brokenness, blames his feelings on Diane – “you hurt me.”
Laura says Luke doesn’t listen. Luke simply argues, “I do too.” Do you think Laura feels listened to when he does this? In his brokenness, Luke doesn’t always listen carefully enough. In her brokenness, Laura expects Luke to make her feel secure by remembering every word she says.
Jack says “you don’t respect me..” Jill says, “That’s because…” and of course the reason is something that is Jack’s fault, not Jill’s. If we were to boil all these arguments down, we could accurately do it this way:
First person: Your brokenness (hurting me, not listening to me, not loving me, yelling at me) has offended me.
Second person: I’m not broken, you are.
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Yep, I realize that. But in this particular case, I’m not broken, you are. It’s not my fault, it’s your fault. I’m not the problem here, you’re the problem here. See, if the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness. In other words, if the way you understand truth is so flawed and so piecemeal that you can read the truth to yourself and agree with it, but actually live your life in denial of that truth, you are lost. If you agree that you are broken in general, but rarely see that you are broken specifically, you do not understand your own brokenness. And if you do not understand your own brokenness, then you will be unable to understand both your need to seek forgiveness from others, and your need to forgive others.
This, to me, captures the grand problem of forgiveness: we often refuse to see our own brokenness. And our brokenness shows through not just in our refusal to seek forgiveness, but also in the way we hurtfully demand apologies of others. What we must always remember is that even when we have been hurt by a broken person, we are still broken, even in that moment. Chances are very good that our own brokenness has at least a little to do with our pain. Someone not broken in the ways in which you are broken might not have been hurt by the thing that hurt you. Or they might have been, but maybe had the maturity not to take as much offense, or to release the other person from that expectation of being God and being perfect. It is safe to say that to whatever extent we refuse to forgive and to seek forgiveness, the “light within us is darkness.” Apologizing and forgiving are not about who did what to who, who hurt so and so first, or anything like that. We forgive and seek forgiveness because we know we are broken and that we lovely poorly and that we don’t even know what we’re doing when we hurt other people. We forgive and seek forgiveness because we understand that to build our lives upon God’s understanding of us is to learn to come to see ourselves and others as broken and in need of forgiveness. What if, starting today, you assumed that you had at least some responsibility every time another person was hurting on your account? What if you actively started looking for things to apologize for? What if you started truly seeking (looking for) forgiveness? Can you imagine how a marriage relationship would change if both spouses were doing this?
What about God in all this? Forgiveness in a relationship with God is quite a different thing than in a relationship with a person. Why? Because we don’t believe God is not broken. There is not this mutual brokenness going on there. There’s only one party that’s broken, and that’s us. There’s only one party that is the offending party, and that is us. There is only one party that owes any apologies, and that’s us. Do you think that might be part of why it’s so hard to see our spiritual brokenness? I mean, think how hard it is to see our brokenness when we’re dealing with another human being who we know is broken and therefore shares some responsibility, if not in this situation then surely in another. We can kind of take comfort in our mutual brokenness. But with God it’s like, “Guess who’s the broken one? The one who needs to be fixed? The one in need of a Savior? The one who has sinned and fallen short? The one who has really screwed up? The one who keeps sinning over and over again? Guess who is always the offending party here? Yep, it’s me. Always. That’s intense. We all have that person in our life who never apologizes right? It’s like, “I’m really sorry I did or said such and such.” Then it’s always like, “Thanks.” Never, “Yeah, me too. I guess I was a bit tense,” or whatever. Just, “Thanks – you were totally in the wrong, and I forgive you.” That’s hard to handle right, because we know in our minds that everybody has sinned – everybody is broken. But in a way it’s even harder to handle with God because with God it’s always true! There’s this saying, “If you’re feeling far from God, guess who moved.” Same thing – “if something has come between you and God, guess who’s fault that is!”
So here we are in this relationship with God that is so different from our relationship with people because all the brokenness and sinfulness is truly on one side. We’re always the ones in need of forgiveness and God is always the forgiver. That’s hard on our pride! Let’s look at our key passage again:
Romans 3:23 (NIV)
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
If all have sinned, then all are in need of what? Forgiveness! The Christian message is that human beings are sinners – people who constantly fall short of God’s standard for right living. All we can do is ask for forgiveness. So to realize we are sinners is to realize that we stand in need of forgiveness. And if we truly realize that we stand in need of forgiveness, then we will not react defensively when God extends forgiveness to us. But we do. Know how? By not extending to others the forgiveness God has extended to us. To accept forgiveness is a humbling thing. But to go out and refuse to forgive others, that is a prideful thing. We do not truly understand that we are in need of God’s forgiveness if we do not forgive other people. We cannot be prideful and humble at the same time!
Matthew 6:14-15 (MSG)
14 "In prayer there is a connection between what God does and what you do. You can’t get forgiveness from God, for instance, without also forgiving others.
15 If you refuse to do your part, you cut yourself off from God’s part.
So that’s the first thing about forgiveness as it relates to God. If we admit we are sinners in need of forgiveness, then we turn around and deny forgiveness to people who need it from us (whether they have asked or not), we show that the light within us is darkness.
Matthew 6:22-23 (NIV)
23 … If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!
But I want to get at what’s really interesting about forgiveness when it comes to God. Did you know that you need to forgive God? You do. I’m not saying God needs your forgiveness, but you need to forgive God. What do you think you might need to forgive God for?
Ever had a person you loved die unexpectedly? Maybe there were conversations you never got to have. Maybe there were things you needed to hear them say that they never said. Maybe there were feelings you never got to express. You always thought you’d have more time. Then suddenly time is up and they’re gone. And you’re left with all these confusing and conflicting emotions. And you find this anger welling up inside of you – anger that this person left you alone, left you with this hurt and regret, anger that you didn’t get to say what you needed to say or hear what you needed to hear. And you slowly come to realize that you are angry AT THE PERSON WHO DIED. It’s not their fault. They didn’t want to die. They didn’t ask to die. But they’re gone just the same. You deny your anger for months – maybe for years. But eventually you have to admit it. You’re mad at this person for dying. And if you’re ever going to work through your grief, you must forgive that person.
Does that person need your forgiveness? No. Did they do anything wrong by dying? Of course not. But you’re left with these feelings just the same, and forgiveness is never for the forgiven, but always for the forgiver. I mean, it MAY come as a relief to the forgiven, but it is ALWAYS good for the soul of the forgiver.
It’s strange to think about it, but you need to forgive God this way. You need to forgive God for not fulfilling all your needs. Last week we talked about expectations, and the truth is that God has not fulfilled all your needs in the way that you expect him to. And if you don’t forgive God for that, it will cause the same problems as not forgiving other people for not fulfilling your needs. You’ll feel you’ve been robbed and ripped off and that God owes you something. See at some point you realize in human relationships that human beings must be loved as human beings. With their faults and fears and limitations and vices and weaknesses. So also, God must be loved as God. Ever think of that? You must learn to love God just the way he is. Not with his weaknesses and limitations, but with his refusal to meet your expectations. You must forgive God for not being the God you have sometimes thought he should be or wished he was. You must forgive him for the time when you prayed and prayed, and your loved one still died. You must forgive him for when you called out to him and it seems like he didn’t answer. You must forgive God for allowing you to suffer the kind of pain you suffered in your childhood. So we do not forgive God for his weaknesses and limitations and flaws – we forgive God because our own weaknesses and limitations and flaws cause us to resent him and distrust him in his mystery and holiness. Our fallenness makes it difficult to tolerate his righteousness. Our duplicity makes it hard to handle his purity. Our weakness makes it easy to resent his strength. And mostly, our neediness makes it easy to be angry when he doesn’t meet all of our needs just the way we think he should. And with that, we’re full circle back to Henri Nouwen, who said we need to forgive people for not being God. We also need to forgive God for not being the God we expect him to be.
Because the truth is that we expect the same thing out of both people and God. We expect people to be God and meet all of our needs. And they don’t. Then we say, “Cool – at least God is God and he will meet all my needs.” And then God doesn’t do that in the way we think he should. We need to forgive him for that, and learn to accept him the way he is. We learn to accept people the way they are because being people is the best they can ever do. We learn to accept God the way he is because being God is the best he ever needs to be. But both cases require us to let go – to release ourselves into reality. People will always be people. They will always hurt us and let us down. We can count on it. God will always be God. He will always defy our expectations and mystify us and be impossible to fully understand.
So you forgive others because you need to forgive them, in spite of what they have done wrong. And you forgive God because you need to forgive him, in spite of the fact that God has done nothing wrong! Is there anyone in your life you need to forgive? Is there someone from whom you need to sincerely ask forgiveness? Have you ever prayed a prayer that says, “God, I forgive you?” Sounds strange, doesn’t it? But if you’re angry at God, if you’re disappointed in him, if you’re frustrated with him – you need to forgive him so you can let it go. God’s not gonna change – he’s just gonna keep asking you to change. And you’re the one who NEEDS to change. Maybe tonight you’re ready to forgive God for something – to let an old grievance against him go and start over with a clean slate.
Romans 3:23 (NIV)
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Is this true? If it is, we will frequently need forgiveness – from God, from others, and from ourselves.
